“Did you know you have an inclination toward eastern thought?” Steve asked me late one night over the phone.
I was hanging out at his place after class and we were having our nightly chat as he wrapped up some business in New York.
“I do?” I asked, intrigued.
“Yes, western thought is based more on logical thinking, what we see is what we get. It kind of leaves out the whole mystery of existence. Western thinking is more of owning and conquering the world, but eastern thought is more of surrender to the universe. It’s more of living in harmony with the earth. Finding peace within yourself. Seeking the divine within. Look what happened with the europeans and the indians when they crashed on this content.”
“Wow,” I whispered. “You are so smart. Why haven’t we done it yet?”
“Tee. Chill out. We have plenty of time for that,” he spoke firmly. “I saw a book today that I thought you might like. I’ll send it to you if you’re interested. It’s by Dr. Wayne Dyer, it’s about the wisdom of the tao, another eastern philosophy.”
I frowned. “I tried reading his books years ago, but his writing style is so dry to me. It puts me to sleep. That audio book I told you about, the one with Jerry Hicks, man, that bores me too. I think it’s his voice. For some reason, I can feel the vibration behind people’s voices and sometimes I can’t stand to hear that shit. It’s like that with 50 cent, I hate him, but it’s only because when I hear his voice, I feel icky. Steve.Harvey is the same way. I can’t stand to listen to his ass!”
“Aww…You’re just saying that cuz you’re partial to Tom.Joyner!” Steve exclaimed.
“NO! That’s not it…Even before I worked there I couldn’t stand to hear Steve.Harvey’s voice. His jokes were never funny to me.”
“If you say so….”
“Boy leave me alone!” I replied. “Wait…Steve?”
“What’s up Baby Girl?”
“I’m feeling funny about something. I want to talk seriously for a minute.”
“What’s on your mind?”
“Well, remember last month when you came down and I was waiting for you in that black nightie with the red heels and the champagne?”
“Ahh..yeah,” He replied and then sighed.
“What’s up with that? It’s starting to hurt my feelings. Why don’t you want to have secks with me? I thought you were attracted to me.”
“I am.”
“But I don’t get it then. I know you wanted me to see that it wasn’t just about secks. I see that. I see that you care about me. But the way we interact, it sometimes feels like we’re just buddies. I don’t like that. It’s been 5 months since we met. Don’t make me beg…”
The line went quiet.
“Ok Baby Girl,” Steve began. “I don’t want you to doubt yourself because of me. It’s just…It’s my thing. I….Damn…I have this thing….”
“What thing?” I asked, becoming scared.
“No, it’s nothing like that,” he sighed. “Tee. Can you just trust me with this? It’s not time yet.”
“I’ll trust you,” I said. “But it doesn’t help. I feel rejected. Maybe it’s me. I’m so used to expressing myself sexually and without that, I don’t know how to say thank you for you being so good to me. I’m sorry. I can wait until you’re ready.”
“Tee,” Steve sighed. “Don’t do that. It’s not you. Don’t ever think it’s you when you express to someone what you want and they are not willing to give it to you. You’ve done your part and I haven’t done mine.”
“What does that mean?”
“I’m gonna have to tell you about somethng that I went through. Just listen okay?”
“Ok.”
“Ok, maybe about 3 years ago, I was seeing this woman. It wasn’t serious or anything. Well, it was kinda serious because we were sleeping together and…well, she got pregnant.”
I gasped, but kept quiet.
“And…I’m not into the abortion thing so I told her that I wanted her to keep it. At first she agreed but then she went ahead and did it without telling me.”
My heart began to ache. “I’m sorry Steve,” I whispered.
“Yeah, me too,” he said. “And now…I don’t know. I can’t..I haven’t…I haven’t had secks since then.”
“WHAT?!!!”
His voice dropped and I could hear the sadness. “I haven’t. I keep thinking about my shorty. I keep wondering if it’ll happen again. I don’t want that. I want a family. I would have been there with her if she had just kept my shorty.”
“Did she give you a reason why she didn’t go through with it– The pregnancy?”
“Yeah, when she finally told me it was like..3 months later. I was checking up on her and I kept asking her when we could go to the doctor. One day she told me she went and got rid of it. She said she knew I didn’t love her and she didn’t wanna be anyone’s baby mama.”
“I’m sorry Steve.”
“The thing is, she wouldn’t have been a baby mama. I would have been with her. I would have married her.”
“You..You would have?”
“Yeah. And she knew that. But she also knew I didn’t love her…And now…man…I meet women, right? But I just couldn’t get that out of my mind. So I didn’t try anything with anyone else. When I saw myself getting to that point, I’d just distance myself.”
“I understand, Steve. I’m sorry I was pressuring you.”
“No Baby Girl, Don’t be sorry. Just give me some time. I think I’ve come a long way and I think being with you and your sons helps me to not be afraid of trying again.”
“It does?”
“Yeah Tee. See…I don’t get you. You go on and on on your blog about how great I am and how I add so much to your life when you don’t realize, without even trying, you’re helping me in so many ways.”
Of course I start whimpering. “Steve, do you know that you are a dream come true for me?”
He managed a weak laugh. “You always tell me that, Tee. But the truth is…you make me want to be your fantasy. You appreciate me and you show it. Most women aren’t like that. They take everything for granted and act like you’re supposed to give them the world. Like you owe them just for giving you some of their time. Not you. There’s not a day that goes by that you’re not telling me how much I mean to you. It’s like…I feed off of that. I want to hear it more and more so I do more. I’m just trying to please you. I like feeling like I’m an important part of your life.”
“You are.”
“Thanks, Tee.”
“Well, I have some other tricks up my sleeve. If you don’t wanna do the deed, there’s plenty more we can do. We’ll leave that for later and see what we can come up with! But only if you’re kinky…”
“You’re a trip, man…”