My chest is aching and my back hurts and I know it’s my emotional health that is causing the physical symptoms. It’s my mind state right now.. I’m going through it trying to deal with this whole working with Donovan Daniels thing…
Ok so…since I was a little girl I always looked at this man as perfect, simply perfect for me. When he went away to college, I went there too (years later) but he never, ever tried to be my boyfriend or showed any attraction or attention to me. We met up last year in Dallas and we’ve been in contact somewhat, he even invited me to his bachelor party, my other guyfriend says that was to show me off to his boys (even though we never had secks).
Anyway, I wouldn’t have minded being his trophy. He has always been a trophy to me, a trophy I could never have.
So now that he’s explained his goals to me the skillset that he needs to move forward with his goals are directly aligned with the skillset that I possess. I am now in a position to help him to achieve his dreams. He is definitely a force to be reckoned with because unlike most people who I have to TEACH and share wisdom, when I’m around him I sit back and learn.
He is poised, he is intelligent, he is a productive thinker. He understands the importance of reacting in a rational manner in any situation and he has the resources to invest in himself and others. He is extremely successful and he has a good heart. Plus, he has a sexy voice and he’s cute.
AND he just got married.
So..my heart is still hurting a little over the fact that he just got married and now I’ll never be able to see if he could ever value me as more than some emotional stupid kid with a crush on him. But now I have to talk to him more often and it hurts a little to hear his voice, have him be so sweet to me as he thanks me profusely for being who I am in his life.
“Tee,” He tried to explain to me the other day over the phone. “I am so glad that I never tried anything with you in the past. I woulda fucked it up, I know it! I’m glad things went how they went so that we can have the relationship that we have right now. We’re gonna make lots of money together.”
At first as I dealt with the pain of being so near to him and being able to help him become even more wonderful I rationalized, “Maybe if he and i develop this business relationship it will become fulfilling to my desire to have this kind of relationship with a man and I could possibly let my standards down and be romantic with some guy who has a job or something, a regular dude. If he fulfills this part, maybe I’ll need less of this with some other guy.”
Then my emotional self took over and my thoughts became self defeating, battering me throughout the night.
Oh…He never wanted anything to do with you until he saw that he could use your skills. He could never love you. He’d never even kiss you. All he sees is CASH when he looks at you. He just wants you to help him shine. He doesn’t care about you. He’s gonna drop you just like the rest of them. He’s one of them. You’re only valuable to him because now you are smart enough to help him get where he’s going. He never paid you attention before. You were never good enough to be in his circle of friends before now he want to make money with you. He’s using you.
I think I feel like I’m being taken advantage of.
Over and over all night long, I could barely sleep because of the negative traffic in my brain.
When I woke up I was still feeling anguish and wanting to help him but not wanting to have to be so close yet still be reminded of how he never liked me like I liked him. I called him up to talk and I could tell he was offended.
“This is business,” he reminded me. “I just put a check for you in the mail. Let me know if you’re going to be serious about this because I am making a serious investment in you and me.”
I hung up with him still irritated and feeling lonely.
Lonely even though I had secks last night. The fine guy I met, I called him up and told him to come over. He did. We did. It was alright. He was so fine. Like, I was nervous around him.
When he came over I felt like a little ass girl, although this dude told me he was 22. You know I eat young college boys like M&M’s. Well, I used to. I haven’t had one in a few months. But anyway, he was a little too smooth for me. When he smiled at me I felt like I was looking in LL Cool J’s face. He was beautiful and at the same time he kept telling me how beautiful I was.
I didn’t know how I felt about that. But once he put his arm around me and I felt the warmth of his hands rubbing my shoulders, I melted in the embrace and I found myself turning around as he positioned himself on top of me I lifted his shirt over his head and began kissing his chest.
He was fine.
Really fine.
After it was all done, I stood up, got dressed and walked him outside. I turned around without really saying goodbye. I know I never want to talk to him again.
I don’t want him.
I want a business partner to fuck and celebrate personal, spiritual and professional growth with.
I finally had secks yet I still went to sleep with a headache worrying. It didn’t relax me at all.
I am so tired of feeling inadequate and getting my feelings all wrapped up in shit. I just want to give my gift. I’m not trying to be all wrapped up in bullshit. I’m not trying to fuck the game up. I think it’s the fact that I’m all fucked up in the head right now because I’m not getting secks on the regular and I’m used to men being dishonest and hurtful to me.
I don’t want to take that risk again.
But I do believe I can help him make money. I don’t doubt that.
Fuck it…let me go get this money. I can manage Donovan’s business. I can promote him. I can put my emotions aside and do this.
I’m a business woman. Let me go handle this.
I know. I’m trying to grow.