Alright. Alright. I am so procrastinating on this article I have to write. I swear, if it’s not last minute, I can’t write it. But..today I came to some very heavy eye opening conclusions about my attitude toward relationships. While chatting with Tamara, I was blown away.
Ok. This is on the real. I think that because of my personal relationship with Donovan, I am not feeling the way this work relationship is going. I’m happy to be able to do this kind of work, but it reminds me of not being good enough for him (romantically) everytime I think about it.
I picture me working my ass off sweating and grinding for him and him going back home to her with suitcases full of money while she’s on the couch watching TV and counting the bills. It makes me mad because no one takes care of me. I have to work for my shit. Why can’t I be so lucky to have someone who just lets me sit down and do nothing?
Next time I take on a client, I’ll make sure that he is someone that has no ties to me personally. This is starting not to feel good. I think I’m jealous of her.
I mean, Donovan is supersmart and supercool and I believe in him 100% but in the back of my mind I’m thinking, “Why the hell didn’t he marry a woman who could help him reach his goals?”
It’s my own insecurity talking because I couldn’t imagine my husband standing up in front of a crowd and thanking some other women for helping him to succeed. It won’t ever happen.
So then I’m talking to my sister and trying to explain how I feel and it all boils down to the fact that I know that I am not a domestic engineer. I’m not cooking or cleaning for anyone. I am hella smart and hella talented though and any man that crosses my path will achieve any dream that he has for his life and I am willing to be the “silent” partner that propels him to success. I would love to do that.
But..it seems that the more men I meet, the more they value the things I don’t do, like cooking and cleaning and sitting up waiting for them to come home with no goals of their own and no skills outside of saying, “Yes, I can clean that for you.”
Is that all men are looking for? You mean I have no value to you if I can’t cook a steak? No, I’m not making the bed. That’s a waste of my time, someone else should do that- I have to finish this book.
So I’m talking to Tamara about it because all my little sister said was “That’s dumb.” LOL!
And Tamara breaks it down for me in a way that makes me go aha…
She says, “Tee, you value different things in a relationship than most people do. Most people don’t look at their wife as a business partner. Their personal and business lives are seperated. You want both at the same time, but not everyone wants to work like that.”
Ohh….For real? Wow..I had no idea…
I just happen to think that a man’s wife is a reflection of who he is. No other person on earth will be as dedicated to your success as your wife would be so why not choose someone who will be your biggest asset and push you to succeed? Your wife should be your PARTNER in life, in every way. Don’t you think? Am I the only one who thinks this way?
When I look around at the men around me, I am sort of dissappointed by their choices in women. With the exception of Leon, I think no one can brag about their wife for doing real shit in the world. Ok, so you have a wife who can make a great dinner but, when it comes to real shit, can she hold you down? If something happens to you will your estate crumble? You have 3 kids and then you die, will she be able to make that shit work?
This is so hard for me to admit out loud and I know I look like the horrible, jealous bitch in this scenario but this is how I feel. In most cases if something doesn’t feel right to me, I’ll walk away. But in this case I know it’s just my feelings of inadequacy and my dumb imagination which shows me wallowing in stacks of money yet never being fully appreciated for the wealth of “Me’ness” that I bring to the table.
I’m sorry. I’m gonna work through this and make my money. I have to.
And I will…