It’s been a helluva week. While finals are approaching THIS WEEK…I’m still trying to make moves and connections within this industry, first by establishing myself as a journalist. Sometimes I want to quit because I don’t have much money and I have to try HARD to be in places and be seen and try to make connections. And I don’t get paid to be anywhere. When I’m out, I’m there to enjoy myself and listen to some new artists.
I love watching new artists perform. There’s something magical in their imperfection. I think I see hope. I see glory. I see that no matter what happens in their careers, they will always have this one moment of triumph, one story to tell that- yeah, I was a performing artist. I rocked the show on many nights. I looked good.
That makes me so proud that they even try. I know I’m trying to do this to help me get practice for being a host, but it gets under my skin sometimes too. I give awards to people for their efforts in going after their dreams.
Isn’t that funny?
The very thing we wish to receive, we most often give.
That goes both ways too. When we are mean to others, it is because we are releasing or interneal image of ourselves. When we are critical toward others, it’s the same thing. When you see someone giving anything, then that’s basically how they feel about themselves, it’s what’s buried within coming out of them.
I know I be regurgitatung love. I love it when I write “I be” in a sentence. It makes me proud..cuz I feel like I’m breaking the rules. Sometimes blogging is really what heals me. All this professional writing where you have to follow the rules….and–with***blogging ### you can do whatever you like.
It’s just pure fun on a keyboard. Telling whatever story you like. Making shit sound grander or downplaying it fit your current mood. This is MY side of the story- dammit! I need to be heard too. I love it!
I love my life…Even though DEEP had the *sigh* conversation with me that EVERY MAN THAT I AM ATTRACTED TO has with me. You know the “You’re way too good for me- I could never give you what you deserve” conversation and he sounded so passionate about it. He was like, “Please I appreciate our friendship. What we have is special, but it’s not that. I am not your soulmate. I know it’s not me. I can’t give you what you want.”
And I was like…
This nigga is so conceited. HE really think I like him like that? Oh my gosh..He act like I may kill myself or something over him… Is he SERIOUS? LOL! I was like.. damnnnn…. I mean, yeah..he’s cute and alll and we definitely vibe and all and you know what- he has almost all of the qualities that I ever desired in a man except two major ones but… I know what it is, it’s the way I express love to people I really care about.
I think that shit is overwhelming. I mean, I am very expressive. I write cards, I do emails, I send texts all the time..just saying something nice to my friends and letting them know I really care about them. I don’t do mass texts either. I do individual emails or posts or whatever as my mind goes from being grateful about knowing this person to being grateful for having this person in my life. How special they are…Sending energy toward them, healing or loving energy. Trying to brighten their day.
All day.
That’s what i do.
If i can think of anything nice to say I’m gonna say it.
All day.
But I’m not gonna lie to you, in order to be nice. Nope. I want you to be your best. So yeah, I go HARD for my peeps man and I think guys get confused. Anyway…what can I do. I texted him and told him that he didn’t even need to call me if he expected me to change anything about the way I love.
We had a texting fight. It was crazy. I have never done that before. The last time this dude tried to text me and fight I was like, “Dude..you’re gay.” and I never spoke to him since. Cuz I think dude’s texting back and forth with emotions is a little off…
But I was up there texting my little emotional ass off! It’s not like I need him, but I enjoy lifea little more since he’s been in it. I feel the love.. all day. I feel what we could be as a team. I understand his concerns. If I feel like I’m starting to get too “into” a guy then I just stop contacting them.
But I can’t do that to him because he is my number one resource in the entertainment community PLUS…talking to him recharges me. It feels so good. I learn from him. He’s a lot of fun. He’s silly. He’s beautiful. I love playing imagination games with him. I love how he thinks of me first and is so sweet sometimes. But even with all that- he has to make sure that I know that he is not interested in me as any more than a friend. I told him I understand. I understood.
I do.
I do.
I do.