Whoa REALITY hit me today.

Somehow I thought that I was different. I thought I was special. I thought that because I served God and He loved me I wouldnt have to settle or compromise.

Since I started my job I have become increasingly unhappy with it. I guess I never thought that it could be possible that I work hard all these years, struggle through school, finally graduate and then take a job that bores me and makes me uncomfortable.

I pictured myself graduating, and going somewhere cool to write or plan events or do SOMETHING creative. Instead I am here, looking at statistics and filling out forms for who knows what and emailing them all over to who knows who. It’s not difficult. It’s not. Its quite simple. But whatever happened to going after my dreams? Whatever happened to using this gift of writing and motivating to inspire the world?

When I get home Im usually too tired to stay up late and write and I hate to ignore my sons who I havent seen all day just to get my thoughts on paper to help me sort things out.

All day at a job that stifles my spirit, then home to take care of my boys and release my frustration in a bowl of icecream. Then it’s bedtime for all of us. At least when I was in school I had time to relax a bit after I did my schoolwork, or while I was doing it. My fun came from chatting online and writing emails, no big deal, but it was all I had. Now I dont even have the energy to do that anymore.

All my life I watched my stepfather Allen work two jobs to help take care of our family. TWO JOBS for as long as I can remember and he still isnt breaking the poverty level. Is that what life is all about? We rush from one stage to the next, hoping and dreaming that our end will be worth the work and the wait. But we get there. We smile, we stand and wave and receive our applause. We walk out into the sunlight and turn into one of them. We work because we have to. We arent SUPPOSED to enjoy our work, its not a promise. I just realized that.

We raise our standard of living because we make a little more money. Now we’re trapped because we cant quit the job we have now. We’re stuck performing these tasks because we have bills to pay. For most people pleasure doesn’t equal pay. For those who have turned their passion into profit, they had something else to fall back on, or someone to take up the slack while they pursued their dream.

What am I to do? I have two children. I know what i have to do. Work. Just keep going to work until I drop dead.

At least I get to keep writing in this weblog. I guess that’ll have to be enough.