Soft Shell

I can’t help it, I don’t know why. I just can’t do it.

Even though you can and you have fun doing it, I can’t. Sometimes I want to. Sometimes I REALLY want to, but damn…I can’t.

I can’t talk badly about people. I can’t rank on people. I can’t post anonymous mean comments or berate someone or intentionally try to make someone feel bad about themselves.

Sometimes I feel like a freak. Sometimes I’m sure I’m a freak because no one is as sensitive about this as I am.

When I was in school, I NEVER ranked anyone. I NEVER talked about anyone’s clothes or hair or the way they smelled. Ask any of my friends. They’ll tell you. Weird or not, I’m in such conflict about this. I don’t know why I’m like this. It seems like you all have so much fun cutting each other.

Let me try…

Yo mama so fat, she…she… ~hangs head~

Sorry, I have a Mama too and I wouldn’t want you to talk about her. I can’t do it.

One time in 8th grade English everyone was ranking on each other (except me!) and this boy said, “Ms. Tee’s nose is so big, I can stick my d**k in it.”

Everyone laughed.

Except me. I didn’t think that was appropriate. I couldn’t understand why he would say that. I was never mean to him.

I can’t even have a good laugh at my Baby Daddy’s expense without feeling guilty. Yes, since I wrote that mean verse about him in the Kanye Concert post I have been under this huge guilt trip.

Sometimes I want to cry because I don’t want to be this sensitive to other people’s feelings. As you can imagine, as sensitive as I am, I am very easily hurt by others. I don’t want to be like that either. But I am.

I feel like such a punk for being so soft. I cry anytime someone says BOO to me. The people I keep around me know this about me so they are extra careful with me and I’m grateful to them.

I am such a CANCER. Thin, tough shell on the outside, mush on the inside.

Why can’t we all just love and nurture each other?

Why can’t we all live in harmony and uplift one another?

Why isn’t the world flat?

— That’s just the way it is honey.

So I have to find a way to toughen up my soft shell in this hard, cruel world. If I don’t I’m going to be crushed.