Crucial Conflict

Sometimes I just have to laugh at myself.

I’m sitting up here trying to write but I can’t because my kids keep bustin up in here showing me the pictures they colored or the new words they learned or calling me to come see the latest toy they saw on TV.

I don’t want to ignore them but I become very frustrated that I can not write while they are awake. This leaves me only the late night hours to work on my craft which leaves me tired at work everyday. I feel like I’m in a downward spiral, trying to go for mine while not neglecting my children.

Late at night when I’m in the middle of a particularly inspirational piece and I’m flowing and my heart is pumping and my fingers are floating across the keyboard I’ll hear a noise outside my room door. Uh, oh. I hear the door creak and see the little head peek from behind it.

“I’m sorry Mama,” my little one says. “I’m sorry.”

“You peed in the bed didn’t you?”

“Mmm, hmm.”

So I have to leave my state of euphoria and wipe down pissy booties, change clothes, change bed sheets and give extra kisses. By the time I get back to my computer I’m tired and unfocused.

I once heard comedienne MoNique say, “I want to thank my son for allowing me to pursue my career.” I understood exactly where she is coming from. Since I have been aggressively pursuing a freelance career along with a full time job I have had to get regular babysitters for my sons. At least once a week someone else sits with them while I go out and interview. Most times it is twice a week. They’re not getting all of their Mommy anymore. I hope they understand. I don’t think it bothers them as much as it bothers me.

I’m trying to change the world and shape the way people think and they want to run in and show me their Teen Titan pictures. ~smile~

Sometimes I look and them and just LAUGH! Like, if you only knew what I’m setting out to do, you’d probably give me a little more time to focus on my work then I’ll be able to come play with you. But they don’t know. My job definately doesn’t know. All they know is Ms. Tee didn’t get all the tags right on the Raisers Edge query and she missed some name tags for the event. Ms. Tee isn’t doing a perfect job and it’s annoying my co-workers. I’m just so tired.

So tired.

But so excited about the start I’m off to. Excited about the exposure I’m getting and the people I’m meeting, and a little annoyed that no job has or WILL ever work out for me. I’m not built to work a job. I find that everyone who is creative like me, is having the same problem. But we don’t have Mama’s like Kanye to finance our creative endeavors or tell us it’s okay to follow our dreams. We don’t have parents like Jessica Simpson who make it their mission to make sure we succeed. We have to work to live and we do so at the risk of not being totally focused on our jobs or our passions. We’re in constant conflict. Our passions wrestle with meeting our needs.

This is where the test of the true fighter comes in. How much are we willing to risk for sucess? How much can my body physically take while I attempt to balance a household, a JOB and the pursuit of my ultimate destiny?

Or maybe God will line things up for me. I certainly hope so cuz I need a vacation and I’m so tired.