You Asked Me

I want to be published. What do you need from me?

If you want to be published in the magazine I work for please email me and I will give you the specifics. We’re looking for 250-300 word Op-Ed pieces only. This invitation is open to anyone with an opinion.

My question is if you fear that you’re sometimes too open on this blog?

I am able to write so openly on this blog because…ya’ll don’t know me. And even if you did, I don’t really care what you think. ~shrugs~ When you first meet me, I’m very stand offish, but once I decide that I like you, I am just as open in person as I am on my blog. My friends always say, “You write on your blog as though you are talking to me.” I consider my blog to be my friend. I rarely hold back because blogging is pure therapy for me.

Why are you so afraid of a healthy, successful, loving relationship?

I am not afraid of a healthy, successful, loving relationship. I enjoy many of these type of relationships with women and a couple of guy friends. Do I believe that I can achieve the same thing with a man? No. I believe men are incapable of relating with me (romantically) in a healthy manner. I no longer expect success in this area. Honestly, I’m just hoping for financial security and a couple more babies.

My expectations have changed, marriage is an option however, it will be treated as a business deal, carefully weighing all the pros and cons and what will benefit our futures the most. What is the likelihood that this merger will be successful? I don’t know. I’m just trying to see what works best for me. I’m open to revising my idea of the constitution of marriage. Who says LOVE should be the deciding factor? Ahh.. I’m just talking shit. I don’t have any of the answers. I know I’m just tired of hurting and not being enough…

A while back you mentioned that your sons father wanted to obtain custody of them and that he had gotten a family lawyer…or something to that effect. You never mentioned that again? What da dilly? Update please. : )

I try not to write too much about that on my blog. You know.. unless it’s really bothering me. Nothing significant has happened with that. They are still with him and he is taking excellent care of them. I really believe they need this time with him though, my selfishness wants them here with me. They need to know their Dad too.

All I want to know is what’s the deal with Dell…Is he gay, is he married, what’s really going on?

Gay? Married? Neither has been confirmed. The story will follow. You be the judge.

Also, regarding the types of men you choose to date, have you ever tried dating men who have children too?

I don’t really “try” to date men. I go out with the intention of staying far away from men but sometimes one catches my eye and I say, “damn…Here we go again.” And it always turns out the same. I have to find a new way to identify potentials cuz mine if obviously not working. Oh, to answer your question- believe it or not- I never meet men with children. Never. I don’t know where they are but I don’t run into them. I think it would be cool. I have lots of love for everyone involved.
When do you think you’ll have your kids with you full-time?I don’t know. I really don’t know. I feel like I’m starting over from scratch and it hurts to be like this.When you go out dancing, what style of dancing do you do on the dance floor?Um…I shake my ass. Is that a style? Pop- Drop- Shake… All that stuff.You mention Black & Milds from time to time. Do you smoke every day (I used to smoke but quit a few yrs. back)?Now I smoke everyday (again). I only do it when I am bored. And since I don’t have much of a social life up here..I’m alone alot and I light up. Bad habit.What do you think about the black journalist for the NY Times who got busted a year or two ago for fabricating parts of his stories?At the time I was shocked because I have a deep seeded ethical code and I couldn’t believe that someone did that because it never crossed my mind. Now that I’m IN the publishing industry…I believe it. I have seen it myself. I still don’t respect it or the writers who do it.I wanna know what happened with you and Dell.Man… The pressure. I’m gonna tell it. Stay tuned. It’s worth the wait.I want to know why you never took you children’s father to court for child support.I get this question often and I always feel the same way. Imagine if you’re 60 pounds overweight and you’ve spent years trying every diet you could but have seen no results. If someone walks up to you and says, “You should try to lose weight.” How would you feel? Just because you don’t see the result you think you should see, doesn’t mean no effort has been made.This year alone I have been to court dates TWICE. Over the past 4 years I have made multiple requests and petitions and have never seen anything come of it. When I went to Miami last week I went because we had a court date scheduled. Since I have no attorney and am now out of the state and he is one, he wins. We had our last court case today. I appeared telephonically. The result: He owes me no back support for the children because of all the loopholes and the fact that when I file for modification he immediately follows up with a motion for custody. How did they figure that? Man…I’m simply disgusted. And since they don’t live with me right now… he asked today if he can file for child support from me and they assured him that he could. Isn’t that sweet? Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder what the hell all this “do good” is for. If the good guys never win, why am I compelled to do the right thing all the time? Sometimes I feel like an idiot when I see how he prospers while I struggle. But…I can’t change who I am. God made me this way. I just wanna do right.
Why do you refer to yourself as gay from time to time. I know you’ve said because of your haircut people think that and you described your encounter not too long ago but what is the thing with being gay?I wish I was gay. Yeah. I said it. I wish I could desire a woman physically and emotionally in the way that I desire a man. I have great connections with my girlfriends but have never had that with a man so it took me a long time to let go of the fact that I can’t MAKE myself be gay. Now I’m okay with it. ~shrugs~How much of this blog is real or true? Do you make stuff up?What are memories? Are they a collection of visual scenes from your past tastefully colored to fit your perception of the event? LOL! I’m crazy.I would consider this blog to be fiction because there’s no real way I could remember all of those quotes that I use in my stories. I write to capture the heart of an event and I sometimes change the details to protect the involved parties but my emotions are real. At the heart of any good piece of work, there is truth.How are you handling being without your boys?I am not handling it well. Today I had a mental breakdown. I’ve come to a crossroad where I realize that having a job that I love with all of my heart isn’t worth being without my sons. I don’t know how God could have this in His plans for me. It hurts everyday. And I had to stand and face myself and admit, because I am unstable right now..the best place for the boys to be is with their father. I remember someone once commented: There is more than one way to be a good Mom. That changed my life. Being a good Mom for me, right now, is allowing them to get to know their father the way they know me. I would be selfish if I snatched them up from stability to float around with me while I try to make something of my life. Sometimes I want to be selfish. Sometimes I want to go grab my boys and hold them until we all grow old. For all of these years I have been their Mom, a blogger and a good friend. Those are the things I am proud of. I want them to be proud of me. I want to do well for them. It’s so much easier to quit and run away, but I know I’ll always regret it if I don’t see what happens with this. Lord, please give me the strength to smile and keep moving knowing that my heart is not whole without my beautiful sons.