The Hard Part
Have you ever read different versions of the Bible and compared the words?
Of all the “fruits” that we should pray for there is only ONE that I can’t pray for because I don’t think I could handle it. In one version of the Bible it is called patience. In another, it’s called long suffering.
Do we learn patience during the period of long suffering?
If I hear someone else tell me, “Be patient” I will scream. I guess I’m a bit of a brat in that way. I’ve been called spoiled too. I want what I want, when I want it and why should I have to wait for it?
Maybe when you’re 3 temper tantrums are tolerable, but not at 27. And who in the world gives a damn that you’re throwing a fit anyway when you’re grown? Sorry Kanye…
Today was just one of those days. I woke up kicking and screaming, feeling as though I have no options and everything I do and think is wrong. I sat in my car for most of the morning, crying and freezing but feeling like at least I’m in my own space. I love the Professor’s home and he has made me most welcome ever since I arrived, I guess I’m just impatient. Impatient about the next step.
Impatient about life. Impatient about my kids who ask me, “When are we coming to live with you Mama?”
Today a friend called and asked how I’m doing and I said, “I feel like someone tied a rope around me and two people are pulling from both sides as tightly as they can.”
I guess that was a dramatic response but it’s the truth from my heart.
I can’t believe that I have not heard back from ANY of the places that I have applied to. Not any of the restaurants. Not any of the professional jobs. Not even the temp agencies. I have even applied for cleaning positions.
Nothing.
Nothing.
What is it that they say? Faith without works is dead.
I have plenty of faith and I have laid the seeds, I just need to see some fruit.
JB is steadily causing my blood to boil. I don’t even know how I feel about him anymore. Our relationship reminds me more of the relationship I had with Anna when we were teens. We were ALWAYS at odds, always miscommunicating but still loving each other regardless. I just want to beat his brains in sometimes. He challenges me and that pisses me off. I want to be coddled right now dammit! He doesn’t give me that. ~clenching fists~
I need some love…
I need a hug…
A guy that I knew from Atlanta called me tonight asking how things were going. I didn’t go into detail I just told him that if I recounted the stories of the past few weeks I would get depressed so please…just read my blog.
He laughed and said, “If you would have just been with me you wouldn’t be going through any of this…”
Ha!
Dudes really think they have all the answers. Dudes who think like that could NEVER handle being in a relationship with me. I’m not that simple. I’m not that easy to satisfy. I know I’m too much. Too much to handle. Too many emotions. Too much intensity. Too bratty. Too loud. Too eager to please. Too independent. Too insecure. All that…and that means…Dude, it would be best if you settled for friendship because if you say you want more and I give it to you, we probably wouldn’t even be friends in a couple of months. Let’s cut to the chase… You ain’t ready. I’m crazy.
When a woman says she’s crazy, BELIEVE HER.
I know I do.
So I’m sitting here going through the hard part of my journey to success. It seems so much easier to take when I think of it in that way. Right now I’m going through the process. I’m losing friends, gaining new ones, hurting everyday, eating cold cereal for most of my meals and relying only on my ability to put myself out there and hope for the best.
Tomorrow I won’t allow my circumstance to get the best of me.
Tomorrow I will wake up, sing and smile as I prepare to hit the pavement in search of work. It’s really all I can do.
What a life!