Yesterday I was in my own cramp induced dream world. The worst part about having PMS is that the pain and emotions overtake me and I don’t even realize that its PMS until I get my period and then the past 7 days of turmoil all make sense.
Anyway, yesterday I’m at work and it’s taking me a LOT of effort to smile due to my mind racing because of this damn PMS. So I get to thinking about why I don’t seem to have many friends and then I start thinking about people who DO have lots of friends and why they are different from me.
Then I start thinking about how someone told me the other day that everyone is good for something. This reminded me of how my childhood BFF used to tell me the same thing when I would ask her, “If you have to complain about that chick so much, why do you hang out with her?”
She’d say, “When I want to wild out and have fun, who else am I going to do it with?”
So basically they’re saying you can find value in people and interact with because you are going to get something you value. Like, if a woman you know has key contacts to get you the dream job you want but she’s consistently annoying, just endure the annoyance to get what you want. Or if there’s a man who likes you and would buy you anything in the world but you hate looking at his face, just look at his face so you can get what you want. Or maybe it’s about focusing on what you gain instead of what you hate that allows them to have multiple emotionally intimate interactions with people.
My only problem with this method is, I don’t want anything anymore. What could you possibly have to offer me that i would want? I’m not trying to win at life anymore. I’m content with being NOTHINg and really, those who claim to have the interest of ability to help me succeed, never do it. It’s a pipe dream they sell you so they can gain your interest. Once they have it, they stop being interested in you. Sometimes i feel like to most people- my attention and friendship is a conquest.
Recently I met a man who said he could introduce me to some people who may be able to help me. In the meantime, I’d have to accept his calls and listen to his political rants and raves which always get me upset. I decided to stop answering his damn calls because I don’t like being upset- which ultimately cuts me off from his contacts.
Now do you see why I’m not further in life or my career? I don’t know how to be phony and play the GAME so I can win.
But I don’t really care about winning. I think most people want to win because they have something to prove to themselves or to others about their worth. I know I ain’t worth shit so I don’t have to prove anything to anyone at all. Call me a loser- guess what- you’re right. Watch me have fun in my loserdom while you become a slave to being a winner because I don’t have to do anything to maintain my position in life while you become a puppet to maintain your status.
Sometimes when I’m paranoid and I think to myself, “He’s only interested in me so he can learn my secrets and try to hold some kind of power over me. He wants to destroy my hopes and dreams because he hates himself and he wants me to hate myself too.” I’ll then remind myself- you have no damn secrets. If anyone decides to DIG and DIG into my life what they’ll come up with is- this chick has made some mistakes but she’s genuinely a good person- a bit needy at times, but good overall. No one can say I did something maliciously to hurt them on purpose.
Now that I hold the belief that every person and every situation is just a FUTURE MEMORY I find it difficult to try to hold on to it. Everyone is a blur. Everything is a blur. The pain of this moment is a blur.
How do I find the value in people when they are all FUTURE MEMORIES? How do I learn to take what people have to offer when I’m not looking for anything? But then, I’ll admit, sometimes I do want things from people. It’s generally not THINGS or MONEY but really, attention. I hate it when I have the desire to have someone’s attention because when they choose not to give it to me and I get upset, they have power over my emotions.
I remember asking myself, “What is the value of men?”
Damn. More than 2 years later, I’m still asking myself the same question but now it’s more than just men. What is the value of people?
How do i find it? Is the value of people related to what they can offer you? Is the value of people related to how they treat you?
I’m still under the impression that men have absolutely nothing to offer outside of their penis and that shit is nasty to me, well, unless I’m having PMS and then penis is like the holy grail. But anyway, all this jumbled up rambling probably all means that I am still hurting and still haven’t met anyone that I feel can prove my theories about men to be false.
But really it’s just- I think too much. But with so much time on my hands and no one to disprove my negative expectations, I don’t see how I could ever change them.