I remember reading an article about the organizers of some concert. They said they made up a list of things they needed to take care of and went down that list everyday tackling whatever they could until the list only had one thing left. They named this list in honor of Jay Z’s song: 99 Problems.
I liked that concept but my only problem is, if I wrote a list, I’d probably lose it. I am so unorganized. Organization is the key in my mind but I have so many creative ideas that I can’t keep track of all of them. I need to come up with a system somehow.
I need an assistant.
Anyway, I decided to make it a priority to create more products to sell online. I am absolutely amazed that ebooks I’ve written years ago are now selling and everytime I get a deposit into my account I’m like “Dang I don’t even remember what I wrote in that eBook. I hope they enjoyed it.”
More books equal more passive income and I need to make that a priority except, since I’m working, I’m either sleeping or thinking about sleeping in between creative bursts. I think I need an office space so that when I’m there I am completely dedicated to working. I remember when I worked in a creative job in an office I could work 12 hours straight just sitting there but that’s because I wasn’t in a cozy bed in my underwear.
I feel good today. But that’s because I just woke up from my first nap of the day. After I come home from working the overnight shift at the restaurant I usually sleep for about 4 hours and then wake up and work on my projects or masturbate, whichever seems most pressing at the time. Then I go to sleep again around 4 or so to wake up and go back to work.
Tonight I’m off which means I can use this evening as a ZERO HOUR night which is basically how I write my ebooks. It takes me like 8 hours to write one book but that is after I have already outlined it. After the book is outlined, I stay up all night filling in the outline, just free flowing with my writing and then 8 hours later, I polish it, design a book cover and put it up for sale. I’m not sure if I can do that tonight because I don’t even have an idea for my next book yet, let alone an outline.
But I still need to work on my outline for my next video series. In this series I’m talking about being single for 10 years and what it has taught me. I decided that I’m going to use this topic to promote my print book so it won’t be a My.Savvy.Sisters production.
Where do I begin? How creative can I get with this? Maybe I can use this as a catalyst for future performances somehow. Like, the other day when I was with the Older Man, he put on a CD of the woman who wrote For Colored Girls. At first I was delighted by the way she performed the aching of her heart and then I was annoyed.
Why the hell do we women always have to exploit our pain? We’re hurting. I’m hurting. She’s hurting. It’s okay. But WHY are we hurting? We’re hurting because we place too much expectations on others and ourselves? We’re hurting because we EXPECT that life is “supposed” to be a certain way. We’re hurting because we have a FANTASY about how others are supposed to treat us and interact with us.
We’re hurting. Yeah, I get that. But damn, a whole PLAY about it? Like do I really want to sit there and delve deeper into the pain of some other woman for entertainment? Yeah right. For what? I got my own pain to deal with.
I want to create something different. I don’t want every sad faced woman with baggage walking up to me singing Killing Me Softly.
Damn. We keep making songs about the PAIN of relationships and the disasters we face with men and guess what- it becomes more acceptable to be in bullshit relationships because, “Brandy wrote a song about it so it’s just a par of life.” BULLSHIT!
Fuck! I don’t want to be a weeping woman waiting for a ring. I got other things to do or I can just do nothing at all but anything’s better than holding misery circles to drum up more misery by focusing on it and writing plays about it and singing songs about it.
I’m battling because honestly, I’m in a state of ‘i don’t care’ yet I don’t think this concept would play well with women because we are taught to care about everything. I’m not sure I can teach this concept without it seeming like I’m teaching depression and complacency. I’m not into the whole ACHIEVE GREATNESS philosophy because I believe it cages you into this race for recognition from others when that shit doesn’t really matter most in life. That’s why I say BE NOTHING. Be free to be NOTHING and then see what happens. It seems like the best way to be.
I don’t want to be the center of a sad circle of women, waiting to get married or waiting to heal. I am healed. I still have my quirks and fears but fuck it, I am healed. I don’t need nothing to happen to determine my worth. I don’t need to hold on to my job. I don’t need to have any friends. I don’t need my kids to love me. I don’t need anyone to hug me.
I want those things. I really do. I just, understand that they are not promised to me. Life didn’t come with a guarantee that I will get them. Why would I sit here and be miserable everyday because I don’t have them? That’s how you create your own misery. I don’t want to pressure myself into being miserable and I won’t.