Last night just before I fell asleep I saw a very handsome man sitting in a chair near my bench. He was dark skinned and had an earring in his ear. He looked like he was wearing a suit. I don’t like to look men in the face because I don’t want them to think I am interested so I didnt STARE at him.
I went to sleep and when I woke up, he was gone.
In the morning I woke up and he was sitting near my bench. I shook my head and closed my eyes. When I woke back up he was gone.
I asked around about a man in a business suit and no one says there is one here.
No man that looks like that ever comes here? Everyone says No.
But I SAW him. I saw him more than once last night. He wasn’t all that CUTE, but he was distinguished I think. There HAS to be one.
It’s been a minute since i’ve written anything here simply because I spend most of my time writing press releases and trying to pitch articles about my project.
Much hasn’t changed except, I feel fat. My stomache is like, wayyy out there and it bothers me a little but on the other hand it doesn’t- cookies taste sooo good!
I hope you’ve been keeping up with my project.
My updates are going to get better because now that I have more quiet time I’ll have time to be emotional and release my thoughts which is exactly what I do on this blog. Thanks for liking it so much.
ANyway, besides being fat- I’m still trying to figure out how to make this MONSTROUS PROJECT WORK!
So much depends on the cooperation of others that it is really out of my hands. I try to remind myself that the universe is orchestrating everything but then I get frustrated because I want that shit to move faster so I can look back on this time in my life and smile, glad that its over.
I must have been being prepared for this project when I started my website because I have NEVER contacted so many media outlets and organizations in my life!
I’m tired. I feel like I’m spinning my wheels. I would love to hear from more women who say they are learning from my videos and writing. I would love to feel like this is doing some good in the world.
I would love some icecream.
Wow. I’m not even hungry, I just want something that tastes good in my mouth.
Fuck. My period is about to come on. I can feel it.
Please pray that more businesses contact me and more media contacts me so that more women can find out about the project and learn from it.
Or pray that SOMETHING will happen that’s good and helpful and makes me smile.
I’ve been praying. More like half prayers though because I don’t like to pray out of desperation. And remember that article I wrote about how our thoughts are our prayers- yeah- I try to practice what I preach.
I’m asking my intuition to tell me what it is that I am not doing right. I haven’t gotten an answer. Every idea I get, I try it.
Every video idea I get, I do it.
Every company or media outlet I can think of to call or write, I do it.
No one calls me back.
Come on man. If there’s something else for me to do, let me know and I promise to do it.
Remember how I was all bent out of shape about how men treated me in the past and how hurt I was over how dumb they can be? I don’t feel the actual pain anymore.
When I think about my stepfather and all the things he should have done and all the ways he hurrt me by not being who I needed him to be, I am not sad anymore.
Today I thought of him and I smiled. Yesterday was the same thing. I am not angry at my Baby Daddy either. He is who he is and nothing he has done has actually HURT me. I used to be so mad because he didn’t treat me the way I wanted him to treat me but that’s simply stupid on my part. I created my own misery by my expectations.
If someone doesn’t treat you the way you want to be treated, then they weren’t meant to. You can’t be upset about it. Wow. How dumb is that?
I feel FREE.
Here’s another video I made. I visited 22 businesses yesterday for my project and I chose Kanye West’s song, “Through The Wire” and it fit so perfectly to me because I feel like although I am up against the wall and under pressure to make this work, I’m still pushing because this is a matter of life and death. I HAVE to succeed so that others will know they can succeed too.
When your intuition speaks, it’s letting you know which direction to go in next. Go left. Go right. Stop right there.
The message doesn’t always make sense but the delivery is so certain that you can’t ignore it and if you do, you’ll wish you hadn’t.
When you hear your intuition, that inner guidance that lets you know if something is right or wrong or what to do next concerning a certain situation, you feel a calm nudging in the direction of its message. You may be confused because it doesn’t always seem rational.
“Jump?” you’ll ask yourself. “But there’s no net. I don’t understand.”
You won’t understand but the truth is, you won’t see the net until you follow the instructions.
This job fair will be successful. I feel it. But afterwards what will I do?
I have to rebuild MY life now and I don’t have a clue what that means. I have the obligation of child support to pay and I am already behind. My BBDD asked for back pay so I’m in debt for thousands of dollars not including the money that has been accruing since I began this project. I received a notice that my license is about to be suspended if I don’t pay something soon. All those years when I couldn’t get any money from him and then the support stopped altogether and now I’m liable. There are ways to avoid child support, my BBDD did it and he did it well because he knows the law.
I don’t feel like a victim. I feel like I have more motivation to create a source of income. I’ve already started my own website to generate income through advertising. I’ve also written several books and ebooks that are for sale. Any other suggestions for creating income are welcomed.
I am about to leave Florida again. That was one lonely ride back in 2006 when I did it before and here I am, on the same journey again. This time I know a little more about my likes and dislikes and along the way I’ll learn even more about myself. I’ll be traveling from city to city speaking about my project and performing poetry. I’ll also try to find employment that works for me.
I need a miracle to happen as I teach women not to be afraid to go after their dreams. I swear, it would be so much easier if I could be regular, but I can’t be.
Wish me luck and if you would like me to visit your city, please let me know and we’ll make it happen.
I had a dream about Kanye West and my other imaginary boyfriend last night.
Ofcourse Kanye was paying attention to someone else more than me but he was still nice to me and we were all fingerpainting.
So sweet!
And then with my other imaginary boyfriend who shall remain NAMELESS with his punk ass- well, I forced him to make out with me and he was trying to run away but I wouldn’t let him!
