Month: February 2011

(Photo from postsecret)

Today I received a text from an internet friend. “Send me a picture,” it read. I sent her a picture.

“You’re so gay! LOL” she wrote back.

I called her to see how she’s doing and she sounded a little down. See, this internet friend, well, I met her late last year. She had started reading my writing and reached out to me. When she said she needed to talk I called her and the first thing she said was, “I was diagnosed with HIV when I was born. My mother passed it to me.”

After I listened to her story I was quiet.

“What are you thinking?” She asked. “You can say it.”

“Well, what I have to say you may not believe so I’m going to let you speak with a friend of mine and hopefully she can answer all of your questions.”

I called my friend and connected them and listened as they went back and forth. This is the same conversation that I had with her when she first told me about her revelation. This friend of mine knows how to turn a positive HIV result into a negative one and has directed a significant number of people in seeing this “miracle.”

So my internet friend, who resisted at first, decided to give it a try. She has been following all of the instructions and is feeling confident about her choice. Today she complained that she has not been eating well.

“I’m in school all day on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I don’t have time to go buy something. I can’t stand going to the cafeteria,” she explained.

“Why can’t you go to the cafeteria?” I asked.

“I don’t want to deal with that- those stupid people.”

“What stupid people?”

“The ones at school.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t like how they act.”

Hmm. “Well, when I go to my school cafeteria everyone stares at me. I feel like a star.”

“What? They don’t laugh? Lucky you,” she said.

My eyebrows wrinkled. “You are in college. You’re adults. Why would they laugh at you?”

“Oh. They say I’m hideous. They call me ugly. Most people say that.”

My heart began to hurt. “They call you hideous?” I immediately crafted a plan to fly up there and go to her cafeteria and cuss everyone out.

“Yeah. When most people look at me, they laugh and make fun. I look different.”

I wanted to cry. I know that I couldn’t tell her that I understood because I don’t.

“Well, you can look at it like this,” I told her. “At least you know who the jerks are up front. Imagine ME, having to walk around all day with both men and women approaching me and not knowing who to let into my life because they all pretend they’re nice at first but then end up being jerks to me.”

“I’d still rather look like you,” she said.

Hmmm…

I remember back in undergrad I took this humanities class. Its like a rite of passage for UF students and everyone has their own story about it. One of the assignments in class was that on a certain day everyone had to choose an outfit that made them look ridiculous and walk around all day like that. We also had to make a sign to wear around our necks that read: I AM DIFFERENT.

All day long people laughed at us and stared at us and pointed at us. It was an eye opening experience. The point was to experience what it feels like to be DIFFERENT. I’ll never forget that feeling. That was the only time in my life I was made fun of because of my looks.

But this girl goes through this everyday and I can not change anything.

I can not do anything but be her friend and listen when she wants to talk.

I wish I could meet one person, just ONE who understands me.

Someone who will laugh when I make a joke.

Someone who knows that when I’m having anxiety all I need is a hug.

Someone who will say, “You can do it,” when things seem uncertain.

Someone who will bring me food, because they know it makes me happy.

Someone who will allow me to treasure them, just because it blesses me to do that.

Someone who will sit with me and say nothing.

Someone who will listen to my decisions and then understand where I’m coming from.

Someone who will look at me and see my inner beauty.

Someone who will protect me and never try to hurt me.

Someone who will let me be free and run wild and be available to run with me.

Someone.

Someone.

To share this journey with who wants to be here.

It’s been a happy two days. Most of it comes from the fact that I am no longer going to my internship. I haven’t had that anxiety like I’ve had for the past 3 weeks since it started.

These days I’m battling internally, like, this issue I’m facing and don’t want to write about. It’s embarrassing to say the least. Its really embarrassing because no one I speak to understands what i feel and everyone says to get over it.

If I could I would. I really would but that hasn’t come yet so it has me feeling weak minded, like something is definitely wrong with me in my head. Most people agree. Some days i would too. I am different. I think differently than most. My life is a reflection of that. I’ve been trying to really confront myself, my INNER self, those parts of me that I want to hide. Those parts of me that make me say “I’m Sorry” to myself when I’m having anxiety. I apologize for not being stronger. I apologize to myself for it all the time.

Funny how I got a phone call from an old school blogger this morning. She had so many great things to say about me and my writing and how it has impacted her life in a good way.

“No matter what you go through, you ALWAYS come out on top,” she said.

I stared at the phone, and then glanced at my messy apartment. On top?

I wonder what it is that people see in me that makes them so glad to know me. I wonder if it’s just the way I write these words. Maybe I hypnotize you or something. Most people who meet me say I’ve lost my mind. Does this translate on my blog too? Even if it does, for some reason you keep coming back to see what’s going on with ol Crazy Tee.

Today was kinda an exciting day for me. I felt that blissful feeling as I formatted my book. THE book I wrote in 2008 and put it away after no one wanted to publish it. I just said, “fuck it, I’ll publish it myself” So I signed up with a new POD program and I’m waiting for my copy editor to read it and my graphic design friend to send over images and maybe soon, really soon, I’ll be ordering my first copy of my own book from Amazon.

I’ll get to hold it in my hand, see my name in print on a glossy cover for the first time. I’ll kiss it. Take a picture with it. Sleep with it. I’ll be an author. A real one. Yeah, I’ve published many ebooks but its not the same.

I’ll be an author like Carrie Bradshaw. Like Maya Angelou. Like Alice Walker.

And ofcourse it won’t stop there. I’ll write and write and write until I have a whole slew of books for sale and maybe that will be the way I can take care of myself. It sure does feel good to work on those writing projects.

“Your karma’s gonna catch up with you,” my old school blogger friend said on the phone this morning.

I smiled. Oh yeah?

For real?

I wonder what that’s going to be like.

It must be so hard for my friends to deal with me. I swear, my mood fluctuates. Today I was on such a high because I was being creative and as soon as the night fell I crashed.

I got to such a dark place that the thoughts I had I never even dreamt I could have. I was only able to snap out of it by calling Mimi and speaking them aloud so that I could be held accountable. Once I did that, I took a shower and then took a walk. The crisp night air made me sing again and then I realized why I go through such ups and downs in spirit.

I have to.

Think about the work that I do. I am an inspiration. You can’t inspire anyone from the highest place. I can’t truly speak to the hopeless unless I have lost hope. I can’t truly know the words to say to the suicidal which will pull them out of their dark despair unless I truly know it.

There is no way I could EVER look someone in the eye, who’s lost everything and be able to speak life, unless, I have been there.

And I have.

And tonight I went there again, in my mind and I was able to relate to a group of hurting people that I have never been able to relate to before. Never even THOUGHT I COULD EVER relate to them but now I understand them because I was there, for a little while.

I always snap out of it. I always pull away. I ALWAYS know when enough is enough. But I do travel there, in the deep recesses of my mind and I wade around in the darkness, surrounded by filth and self hatred, hopelessness and despair. I sit in the funk of self loathing and a meaningless existence until I can snap out.

Then I immediately think to myself, “What could I have said to myself to help pull me out? What did I need to hear during that time that would have made a difference?”

And then I open my laptop and write, create or share.

And that is why I have over 100 youtube videos and over 100 original articles of inspiration. I have been to that dark place over 100 times in the past 3 years.

So don’t ever look at me and think I’m always floating high on a cloud. I can bet you I’ve felt more pitiful than you ever had. I’ve had worse thoughts than you ever will.

And i snap out of it.

And return to this world to give my gift of inspiration so you even if you visit that dark place, you won’t have to stay there.

Stay connected with me.

So there I was formatting my book and becoming annoyed when I made a simple wish, “I wish I had some pleasure.”

Writing is a pleasure, but formatting isn’t. LOL

And then within 10 minutes, my phone rang. It was him. I’ll give him a name because I think he deserves one, the Firecracker I met him a couple of weeks ago, maybe 3. I don’t remember. All I know is, I have done everything in my power to push him away. At first it was a game and then it became a conquest but he said, “I’m not a pushover.” It seems to be so.

So last night he called and said, “Hi.”

I returned his greeting.

“Why don’t you sound happy to hear from me? I feel like you’re drifting away.”

I sighed. “There’s nothing about our interaction that makes me want to do it again,” I explained.

I don’t know what he said after that, I really don’t but all I know is 10 minutes later I was hopping in the shower to give him another chance to spend time with me. This is a monumental moment because no man lasts more than 8 days with me. My max was 10. Usually at that point my sabotaging tactics have worked and I get them to see why they shouldn’t be with me.

This time when I opened his car door he smiled and said, “Hey beautiful.”

And the rest of the night went just like that, beautifully.

“I can not believe this,” I told him. “I had nothing but complaints about you and look at tonight. I have nothing but pleasure.”

He smiled. “I…I want to spend more time with you. I believe in adaptability. I adapt to the person I’m with.”

So he changed. He changed everything that I didn’t like. He did it because I was unwilling to accept less than what I really wanted. I refused to see him for more than a week and I haven’t called his phone in longer than that but he still tries. Why? Because, he says, he wants to see me.

He wants to touch me, that I do know.

Shit, I like it when he touches me. He knows just how to do it to make me squirm and he knows all the right talk to make me moan. He likes to hold me and when he does, I feel like I’m with a real man. Though he’s way younger than I am, something about his smile makes me grin.

I won’t let him come in my house. YOU know it’s because it’s a mess and I don’t feel like cleaning up, but he thinks I’m just being rigid. I think I’m a challenge to him. I also think he’s sincere and wants to enjoy love. I feel bad that he chose the wrong woman. I am not ready for that.

Secks I can handle, but only once. After that one time, I’m not interested anymore. I’ve already had secks with him and it was…fun. I never called him again. He called me back asking, “Why did you f** me?”

“Cuz I wanted to.”

“Thats not a good enough answer.”

“Well, I haven’t had secks in 7 months and…”

“And because I was there and I have a d*** you did it with me?”

“Well that and… Have you seen yourself naked? You’re fine as fuck!”

“So that’s it? You don’t feel anything else?”

“What am I supposed to feel?”

He went silent.

He says we have a connection. I don’t know what he’s talking about. I love it when he touches me but I don’t feel anything else. What am I missing?

But last night, I did it again. While we were sitting outside my place in his car after getting something to eat it happened. A full blown anxiety attack.

My anxiety attacks start as a pain in my heart. Then my mind takes over and I spiral into depression rapidly. All of a sudden images flash in my mind and I feel guilty for everything as though no decision I ever made was right and everything I’ve done wasn’t good enough.

While I’m thinking these thoughts there is an automatic response. Verbally I whisper, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” over and over again.

Last night I started doing it.

“Stop that,” he said.

“I can’t. I’m sorry,” I refused to cry. I was trying to calm myself down.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I seem to be apologizing to whoever it was that I offended in my mind. I apologize for being me. I apologize for not being good enough. I apologize for not being strong enough. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

It’s a rapid succession of apologies and before I knew it he reached over and held me. My apologies slowly subsided and then he held my hands and looked into my eyes, “It’s okay. You’re okay. It’s alright. You are fine.”

And then he kissed me, long and sweetly and I fought the kiss at first and then completely calmed down.

And we stood outside leaning on his car and he held me and held me. He squeezed me. He rubbed me. It felt so good to be touched. It’s a rare thing for me.

“Damn you fine!” he said and I laughed. That is so nice to hear from someone I think is fine too.

“This feels perfect,” he said. “You’re a perfect fit.”

I laughed. Dude is a trip.

“I want you to remember this feeling and when you think about it, I want you to remember that its ME who made you feel this way,” he told me.

Wow.

He’s going to make some woman, a very lucky lady.

It won’t be me though because even though I like looking at him and I love his touch, I have no other feeling.

I am dead in that department.

Today was such an exciting and important day for me!

Today, after spending an awesome weekend together, my sons and I took a couple of hours to go through last minute checks for my first real BOOK and we uploaded the content and set the price and placed it for sale.

My FIRST REAL BOOK!

OMG! I am so proud of myself and can’t wait to have it in my own hands. I am so excited to see how this book will evolve into other books and what I will learn to be able to share next!

I also, started a new blog. I’ll share the link later. THIS blog, I hope to turn into an online community for women. Ever since I created the blog my heart has been feeling so GOOD AND ALIVE and FREE.

OMG! Then I jumped back on downelink and ran into some chicks I met last year and I have been HOT & BOTHERED ever since! SEXY! SEXY!

I had a talk with my sons today after they revealed that their friends have mentioned seeing me on youtube.

“Um, Which videos did they see?” I asked.

“They saw one where you were in your bra getting dressed for poetry night. And then they said they saw another one where you were singing and you sounded bad.”

Oh. I was relieved. Then I thought about it and decided that if their friends are on youtube there’s a good chance they might question my sons about my videos and I wanted them to be prepared.

“Ok, look I have something to tell you guys,” I began.

They looked me in my eyes.

“Some of my other videos talk about me dating women. You know I like girls too, don’t you?”

They stared at me with open mouths. I wondered what was going on in their 10 and 8 year old minds.

“You date girls?” my 8 year old asked.

“Yep! It’s fun!”

“That’s nasty!” my 10 year old said.

“No its not. Is Mommy nasty to you?”

“No.”

“Well, it’s not nasty. It’s normal. You can love who you want to love. And if anyone ever asks you about your Mommy dating women just say ‘Yeah, My Mama’s crazy! She does what she wants!”

They both laughed and then…went back to watching youtube videos.

I sighed.

Wasn’t so bad after all.

I don’t know what’s happening in my spirit but whatever it is I hope it doesnt stop!

My book is done! I’m so excited! I haven’t received it in my hands yet but its on its way!

Today I spent the entire day alone, writing articles for my new blog. You can check it out here.

These articles came out of me just as naturally as my breath. I had no idea I had it in me to write so easily but they came freely and I felt alive and well.

I was a little down this morning but then Tamara called all excited about buying a gift for her boyfriend and she got me excited too.

Then I hung up with her and wrote some more. And wrote some more. And wrote some more. Then night fell and my little sister called to say that my Mama wanted all of us to sing to her.

See, when we were little we created a rap for her for Valentines Day. She loves it when we sing to her. So me, my lil sis and my lil bro all got on the phone and performed and I could hear the happiness in her voice.

I hung up feeling more anxiety and then I decided to take a break from writing, um, to write on my BLOG. Funny, this doesnt feel like writing to me. It feels like singing a song you know all the words to.

I am definitely desensitized to all the Valentines Day hoopla. Last time I had one was around 1999 but I’m not sad about it. I am indifferent. I like to hear the stories of people who do celebrate it. It makes me feel good inside.

My sons bought me a necklace although my younger son just HAD to tell me, “It was the cheapest one there. It was $9.99.”

~smirk~

Doesn’t matter. I’m still in love with them and I’m grateful that they thought enough of me to spend their money on me for Valentines Day.

I just wish this anxiety would go away.

I wonder what would be the cure. I am NOT going to take medication. I don’t want to be hooked on that for life. There’s gotta be another way to ease this pain! It seems to be getting worse as the months go by.

Man.

My BFF must have called me a million times today. I’m not used to talking to her so much. Weird.

Anyway, today was such a GREAT DAY!

I heard great news from a friend of mine. She started a new creative venture where she will be living with strangers for 13 weeks sleeping on an inflatable mattress. What a way to CREATE! As soon as I heard about it I asked for an interview and she said, “The New York Times has exclusivity!” I almost fell out!

Sooo happy for her!

In other news- I’M ON FIRE!

I am having too much fun developing my latest blog! I can see it turning into a very useful source for women in crisis. I sent out press releases announcing its launch and I have been promoting it on forums, through emails and telling everyone about it. I can not believe how much this fulfills me. I told a friend today, “This feels like an all day masturbation session!”

If I could choose a career right now, i would definitely choose THIS.

I wrote an article on my new blog called A Spiritual Correction. Its basically about how we get veered off the path that we are supposed to be on in life and then something tragic happens to stop us in our tracks and then we have to get back on course.

That’s what I feel happened to me with grad school. Although I enjoyed learning and definitely used everything I learned in my documentaries and articles and my book, I don’t believe becoming a counselor was the right path for me. In fact, I knew it. I was just going along with it because I didn’t know what else to do.

And, I made a wish that SOMEHOW I could go back to being a journalist and with my new blog- I HAVE! My wish came true!

I’m doing EVERYTHING I love to do! I’m interviewing, writing articles and I have even subscribed to news services so I can pick and choose which news stories to share. I feel like a BOSS!

I love this shit. And even though I’m writing everything by myself, its not hard because the topics are inspiration and resources, subjects I am very familiar with.

Yeah, I know its just a blog and blah blah blah but to me, its my baby and I want to see it shine. Working at jobs never worked out for me. School wasn’t the right place for me. I have too much anxiety to go out and socialize. For me, being at home alone, doing interviews over the phone, telling people about my work and writing books FEELS LIKE HEAVEN!

Lord, i don’t know what to do with myself! I feel like I won the lottery. I would love to see money come from this venture and I’m doing the research to see how it can. If anyone can do it, I CAN!

I wish, I wish, I WISH that this will become a full time gig for me. Everyday I’d wake up around 10 am and then flop back in bed for a little while longer and then wake up to write, interview and post news of the day.

OMG! If joy brings more joy according to the law of attraction then I’m do for a blizzard of joyous events! I’ve never felt more alive and free and happy!

I am so grateful. So grateful. So grateful to be me right now.

CHEESE!

I had such a wonderful day today.

I woke up with a smile after dreaming that Red Lobster called me because they wanted me to work one last shift. LOL

Nope!

I sure do miss all those free biscuits though.

Anyway, the first thing I did was grad a cup of water and then I opened my laptop to see what emails came in. I immediately opened the one from the newsfeed so that I could see if any pertinent news had happened. I know, I know its just a bunch of press releases, but believe it or not, most of your content for your newspapers come from press releases services like the one I subscribe to.

I only chose one story, it was an announcement really and then I set out to do some marketing. I decided to try to introduce my sight to every women’s organization I could think of. I called them all as I thought of them and asked for contact information so that I could send them a press release. I felt so good I thought to myself, why not go for the BIG GUN. I need a sponsor. So I called up Cover.Girl and asked about the process of obtaining sponsorship.

I know, its a long shot. But If I keep shooting I’ll eventually get it in.

And all day I sent out requests for interviews and I even spoke with one writer about joining the team. She seems interested.

My heart is full of joy right now! This is the work that makes my soul scream HALLELUJAH!

Sometimes I have fears. You know, that no one will like it and I’ll fade into oblivion but then I think, who cares? Even if I have to stop doing this one day, at least I had pleasure while I was working on it.

I am so good at this! Somebody should have snatched me up and made me work on their website cuz I would have made it great!

For right now, I’m officially becoming an entrepreneur hoping that this project will be the one that sticks because it makes me so happy and full.

It really, really does. =)

OMG!

My friend Carr just came over. He’s the ONLY dude I allow inside my house and this is his 3rd time! lol

So he came over and we were talking and he asked, “So what are you doing tomorrow?”

I shrugged. “Getting up around 10 and then working on my site.”

Then my mind flew off into another dimension as I realized “OH SHIT! This is EXACTLY how I hoped to be living my life!”

I remember writing about it before. I wanted to sit at home alone and work on a website and do interviews and make money and just chill and be happy.

When I recounted that old fantasy to Carr, he said, “Well looky here, its already happening.”

ITS HAPPENING?

ITS HAPPENING!

I’m living my dream RIGHT NOW!

Now, all I have to do is keep it going. Somehow I have to make myself into a success story with INCOME so I can maintain this life!

It’s HERE!

My dream is NOW!

I am officially an AUTHOR!

I always wanted to be one.

I’m HERE!

The time is NOW!

Now I just have to grind it out and not let my fears stop me from maintaining it. My dreams always come true whether I admit it or not. Things HAD to change for my dream to come true. I had to LOSE in order to GAIN.

My dream is NOW!

I gotta make this work for me, somehow.