Month: January 2011

I cured my son’s fear of dogs!

No, I’m not a magician, I’m just a mindframe adjuster and I shared a simple exercise with my son. As we were walking down the street I said, “Hey. I’m studying this new philosophy I found called A Course In Miracles and one of the lessons it taught me was- Everything we see is the past. What this means is in every thing we encounter, we remember our last interaction with it. If we see a chair, subconsciously we remember that we sit in the chair. If we see a particular type of person then we remember our last interaction with that type of person.”

My son seemed to be listenting, so I continued.

“Well, that made me think of you and your fear of dogs. You haven’t had a bad experience with a dog have you?”

He shook his head.

“Well then why do you jump when you see dogs?”

He didn’t answer.

“Oh! I know!” I said emphatically. “It’s my fault. Sometimes fear is a learned behaviour. When you were young you saw me jump when I saw a dog so you imitated me and you fear dogs because I do. I’m sorry about that.”

He was quiet. Two minutes later we were walking up to the very spot where we usually pass by a dog tied to a post. When we got there, the dog wasn’t there.

“Oh my gosh!” I exclaimed. “Look what happened! It’s just like that. When we finally agree to face our fears, its most likely that they disappear.”

He smiled up at me.

The next day when we were taking a walk, we passed a man walking his dog. My son didn’t flinch or bat an eye.

I gave him a high five.

He smiled up at me.

His fear is GONE.

Yay!

This is a monumental moment for me.

This is the day I have been preparing for, for YEARS.

Today is the day that I take my life back and stop yearning for guidance from others.

It came in the form of a simple email. A friend suggested that I read a book called, ‘If You Meet The Buddha On The Road, Kill Him!’ by Sheldon Kopp.

After researching the book and reading the various interpretations of its meaning I realized exactly why this title came along at this point in my life.

You’ve read my stories over the years. You’ve watched as I yearned for guidance toward my dream by clumsily going after them unaware of what to do and if I was doing it right. In my quest for guidance I reached out to many people, counselors, celebrities, successful men and women who I felt would best be able to tell me how to use my gifts to prosper.

Recently, I had a big decision to make. I consulted my friends for their opinions but afterwards I realized that I don’t ever really follow their advice, I still do what I want to do. Things ALWAYS work out for my benefit when I do that even when I get nervous because everyone is telling me I’m wrong and I’m not going to benefit unless I do as they teach.

After I made my big decision- ON MY OWN- I felt a sense of relief. For the first time in a while, I felt peace in my heart and I knew that no matter the outcome, I would and could stand tall because I made this decision myself. I have no one to answer to or blame but ME.

Killing the Buddha, in my most recent revelation, means to STOP seeking the answers to your life questions from anyone outside of yourself. We run from him to her, to him and weigh out their perspectives trying to figure out which one to take on as our own.

We are all seeking Buddha, in a symbolic sense, when we yearn to be led by someone else toward our most treasured dreams but Buddha is not physical. Buddha is inside of us. We are the physical manifestation of Buddha so if anyone shows up CLAIMING to lead you the right way, you should kill them (in theory) and not follow them because no one is more of an authority on your life than you are.

You know the way.

You have the answers.

You are equipped with the right thing to do for YOU. It doesn’t have to match up with the right thing for someone else.

Trust yourself and yourself alone.

But this is a difficult concept to grasp because we have become a human race of followers raised by a society who thrives on keeping people dumb and enslaved by their confusion about life. Shackled by their pursuit of success which was defined for them by others.

What do you need to do with your life?

What should you do next?

Did I make the right decision?

Only YOU can answer that. No psychic or pastor or spiritual guru can give you a definitive answer.

YOU have the answer.

And you know JUST what to do.

Now go do it, and embrace your faith, in yourself. Awaken your inner power. It’s been there all along. Wake up. Walk into it.

You can do it.

My psychic friend predicted I will be loved one day soon. It came as quite a shock. In the past her predictions got on my nerves because she would say, “There is no love for you right now. You will go through a period of struggle. Your struggles will not end soon.”

I used to get so mad like, “Dang hoe! Gimme some good news!” But she was always right.

So what a surprise to check my email and see a word from her. “I had a premonition about you but I’m sure you don’t want to hear it. I’ll tell you anyway. You will be married- not soon, but in the next 3 years.”

I rolled my eyes at the thought. Does she really think I’m going to let some man fool me into believing he’s good for me? Does she take me for an idiot?

But she went on to add that before we unite I will accomplish great things in my career and by the time I meet him I will bee so independent and successful that I won’t need him at all.

Which is funny because I always wanted a man who was established and could help pull me toward my dream and I could reward him by making his businesses better AND being his trophy too. She described how he will cherish me and adore me and how he will fully understand me. He will seek to take full care of me and feel that I am his responsibility. She described his personality and I was blown away by what she said.

“You won’t be able to hide from his love,” she described. I felt all warm inside as I heard that.

Someone who will get to know me and not call me mentally ill? Someone who will know ALL of me and still think he’s found a treasure. A MAN who will actually look at me and all he has are GOOD things to say about me? Someone who won’t watch me struggle and laugh at me because of it? Someone who will stand up for me and won’t let anyone bother me? For real? Stop playin!

So I went to my youtube channel to look at the video I made with pictures of me throughout my life. As each picture flashed across the screen I said to the girl there, “You will be loved one day. Soon.”

And I felt the words were true.

Today I started imagining what that could be like. I think I’ll write a story about what I think it’ll be like. I’ll share it soon.

I am growing.

I’m becoming THE HULK.

My inner me is flourishing. I feel like my bones are made of steel. You can beat me. You can punish me. You can sabotage me if you want. Every bit of energy you send out to me, guides me toward my best life.

I was NOT created to be a part of your system. I am not a cog in the wheel. I am the steel that the wheel is made of.

I do not fit in. I’m not supposed to.

If you keep me near and appreciate me, I will add value to you and your dreams. If you release me, it’s not a punishment, someone else will receive the benefits you could have had.

I am the gift.

I know this. You know it too.

My Mama didn’t raise me. She just opened the door, gave me food and left me alone. All alone I crafted this vision for my life. All alone I faced the world. No explanations were given, no guidance. Thank GOD.

If she had tried to teach me her way, I may have taken much longer to rid myself of her feeble interpretations of the meaning of life.

I am free. I’ve been free. Free to create the world around me. And I did.

With every word. Every thought. Every deed.

So it’s my turn now. To turn on my creative powers full blast.

It’s my turn now, to turn the tide in my favor.

No weapon formed against me shall prosper. In fact, every weapon will misfire, redirecting the ammunition to wipe out the negative energies that try to harm me.

If you’ve been to the bottom, you’re no longer afraid of it. So many years of hunger and struggle and being beaten down by words but rising again and again has taught me that the bottom is nothing to fear. So even if I seem to lose, I gain again and then, I can reach the top and give it all away because I know the secret formula to win.

It’s simply…

Never be afraid to lose everything.

And I am not.

Cuz I’ve been there and it didn’t kill me.

My intuition comes to me in flashes of images in my mind. And sometimes it’s a feeling, a pulsating feeling, like a KNOWING in my mind and body.

Like I can sometimes tell what people are about to say before they say it. Sometimes when people make statements I can HEAR the real meaning of the statement as they speak.

Or sometimes, like recently I had this feeling, this intuition that someone was following me. I saw the car the first time, but didn’t quite make out its make and model but I saw the driver’s body. I tried to shake it off and just walk on home but the FEELING wouldn’t go away. The image of the drivers body flashed all night long. I couldn’t sleep.

For weeks every single day my eye took notice of a silver Infiniti on the road as I traveled by bus. I called my best friend and told her, “I think the Universe is about to give me a silver Infiniti, I’m seeing them everywhere.” She laughed.

Then a FLASH- and then- HIM.

Then another FLASH- the Infiniti outside my restaurant when I got off late at night.

Then another FLASH- A handsome dark skinned man in a green suit in my restaurant sitting at the bar. He wore a wedding band. He seemed preoccupied with his phone but he was there to see ME. “That’s HIS friend.” my intuition said.

Then another FLASH- Head lights following me.

People think I’m crazy already so i don’t tell them much about it. I can FEEL people’s intentions. I can feel their energy toward me.

Sometimes my intuition gives me direction; take a picture. Speak to him. Smile at her. This is your last day at this job, take your things. I don’t understand why but I follow and then LATER I see why it told me those things.

I don’t understand why it doesn’t tell me to stay away from these men, or maybe it does every time I feel uncomfortable when I’m with them but I rationalize it as my fear of being hurt and I give them a chance and end up being hurt.

Lately my intuition tells me I have to be strong because my whole life is about to change in a major way and I’ll need all the confidence to handle it.

I am getting there.

They call me a crazy genius.

But I’m sure they mean it in the most positive light. I don’t mind because their labels only hold the merit that I attribute. At this point I just discovered Carl Jung’s Red Book, a book that some describe as the rantings of a psychotic mind.

A psychotic mind?

Well then label me the same. Aren’t all great thinkers psychotic in some way? Who have you ever known that followed the grain and ended up accomplishing something magnificent? I’m not good with names and dates so the specifics don’t matter much to me but I remember studying one psychologists life and he battled with polio in his youth. Through this paralysis, he was still. He was silent. He couldn’t move or communicate. All he could do was THINK. And THINK he did. From the depths of his soul, staring out the window at a tree, i think, he came up with some of the most fascinating theories about the mind.

We who, are afraid to fall, are afraid to be still or be pushed out do not recognize the gift of being thrust into quiet contemplation. We are afraid to NOT walk the path of the proven success stories when it is quite necessary to fall off that path if we really want to achieve great things.

Out of the depths of your solitude or your failure will arise a great stroke of genius if you do not allow shame to overtake you.

I am struggling with a particular situation right now. Each time my mind wants to address it, i push it out because I’ve come so far. See, my internship, my on site practicum and my experiences with the academic world have given me a certain distaste for the field in general. Nothing about it satisfying. Nowhere near as satisfying as sitting in class and being exposed to all of these new ideas. It seems that in practice, I am at a loss for practicing what I discovered. Maybe it is because my actual WORK is so streamlined. Ask these questions verbatim. Don’t use your favorite model, use the one I like.

Be quiet. Shut up.

Be like me.

Like you?

Bitch I would NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER wanna be like you. I would NEVER want to participate in a system like this. If you are the product of this profession then this is NOT where I belong.

But what of the experience? I have thoroughly enjoyed the learning process so far yet, I am beginning to feel like this is not where I am supposed to be.

Where to next?

What to look forward to?

To a career of reading assessments verbatim from a computer like a robot?

This is my first time in my entire graduate career that I do not look forward to my week.

I do not know what to make of all of this. I’ve come so far. I’m almost qualified to become a part of this system yet I have no desire to be like any of them or work alongside of them.

Although I know I have to still my mind to hear the voice of my next direction i am nervous because I have no clue where it will lead. For so many years I have endured change after change and those changes equaled loss and instability and hunger.

I’m tired of that.

but I guess the wheel must turn and in turn I must watch it.

No matter what may come, I can not stop it.

So I wait to see where this “crazy genius” will end up next cuz I feel that these spokes are drifting away and I will not hurt myself trying to hold them in place.