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Oh Well

It’s been a helluva week. While finals are approaching THIS WEEK…I’m still trying to make moves and connections within this industry, first by establishing myself as a journalist. Sometimes I want to quit because I don’t have much money and I have to try HARD to be in places and be seen and try to make connections. And I don’t get paid to be anywhere. When I’m out, I’m there to enjoy myself and listen to some new artists.

I love watching new artists perform. There’s something magical in their imperfection. I think I see hope. I see glory. I see that no matter what happens in their careers, they will always have this one moment of triumph, one story to tell that- yeah, I was a performing artist. I rocked the show on many nights. I looked good.
That makes me so proud that they even try. I know I’m trying to do this to help me get practice for being a host, but it gets under my skin sometimes too. I give awards to people for their efforts in going after their dreams.
Isn’t that funny?
The very thing we wish to receive, we most often give.
That goes both ways too. When we are mean to others, it is because we are releasing or interneal image of ourselves. When we are critical toward others, it’s the same thing. When you see someone giving anything, then that’s basically how they feel about themselves, it’s what’s buried within coming out of them.
I know I be regurgitatung love. I love it when I write “I be” in a sentence. It makes me proud..cuz I feel like I’m breaking the rules. Sometimes blogging is really what heals me. All this professional writing where you have to follow the rules….and–with***blogging ### you can do whatever you like.
It’s just pure fun on a keyboard. Telling whatever story you like. Making shit sound grander or downplaying it fit your current mood. This is MY side of the story- dammit! I need to be heard too. I love it!
I love my life…Even though DEEP had the *sigh* conversation with me that EVERY MAN THAT I AM ATTRACTED TO has with me. You know the “You’re way too good for me- I could never give you what you deserve” conversation and he sounded so passionate about it. He was like, “Please I appreciate our friendship. What we have is special, but it’s not that. I am not your soulmate. I know it’s not me. I can’t give you what you want.”
And I was like…
This nigga is so conceited. HE really think I like him like that? Oh my gosh..He act like I may kill myself or something over him… Is he SERIOUS? LOL!  I was like.. damnnnn…. I mean, yeah..he’s cute and alll and we definitely vibe and all and you know what- he has almost all of the qualities that I ever desired in a man except two major ones but… I know what it is, it’s the way I express love to people I really care about. 
I think that shit is overwhelming. I mean, I am very expressive. I write cards, I do emails, I send texts all the time..just saying something nice to my friends and letting them know I really care about them. I don’t do mass texts either. I do individual emails or posts or whatever as my mind goes from being grateful about knowing this person to being grateful for having this person in my life. How special they are…Sending energy toward them, healing or loving energy. Trying to brighten their day.
All day.
That’s what i do.
If i can think of anything nice to say I’m gonna say it.
All day.
But I’m not gonna lie to you, in order to be nice. Nope. I want you to be your best. So yeah, I go HARD for my peeps man and I think guys get confused.  Anyway…what can I do. I texted him and told him that he didn’t even need to call me if he expected me to change anything about the way I love.
We had a texting fight. It was crazy. I have never done that before. The last time this dude tried to text me and fight I was like, “Dude..you’re gay.” and I never spoke to him since. Cuz I think dude’s texting back and forth with emotions is a little off…
But I was up there texting my little emotional ass off! It’s not like I need him, but I enjoy lifea little more since he’s been in it. I feel the love.. all day. I feel what we could be as a team. I understand his concerns. If I feel like I’m starting to get too “into” a guy then I just stop contacting them.
But I can’t do that to him because he is my number one resource in the entertainment community PLUS…talking to him recharges me. It feels so good. I learn from him. He’s a lot of fun. He’s silly. He’s beautiful. I love playing imagination games with him. I love how he thinks of me first and is so sweet sometimes. But even with all that- he has to make sure that I know that he is not interested in me as any more than a friend. I told him I understand. I understood.
I do.
I do.
I do.
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Notes From The Universe

I really want to give you a gift. It’s a website I found with these daily inspirational messages from The Universe or God or whatever you want to call the higher power in your life. Go to www.tut.com and sign up. Be inspired.

Look at what the Universe wrote for today.
Ms. Tee, in life there will always be challenges that have manifested, and dreams that haven’t. But they’ll always pale in comparison to the number of dreams that have manifested, and the challenged that haven’t.

Just look around you.
You are my dream come true.
The Universe
Posted on

Yellow Bricks

Man…

I finished one of my classes today. When I walked out of that classroom I felt so much RELIEF and pride in myself. My presentation went great. I didn’t know how it would go but I give myself a few stars.
I spoke with Sylvia tonite. We talked and talked like we had never missed a beat. It wasn’t until we got to the part where I told her I was outside talking to the sun that it felt like someone scratched a record.
“Wait a minute?” she interrupted me. “You were talking to the Sun? Isn’t that Pagan?”
I laughed. “No. It’s just talking. I love how the sun feels on my skin. It feels like a hug. It feels like love. SO I just lie there and talk to the Sun as though I am speaking to a piece of God. God is in the Sun.”
As I explained to her my beliefs about how what you focus on is what you’ll attract into your life she seemed dumbfounded. I told her about energy work and how my friend and I practice sending each other energy. She was silent.
“You do only use it for good, right?” she asked me.
I laughed. “I’m still the same person at the core. My beliefs about my reality have changed and mostly my attitude toward how I view my life. “
See..When Sylvia and I were friends initially, she and I were the WORST complainers and downers you could ever meet. Everything was so tragic and horrible. It’s like we THRIVED on talking about bad stuff was.
I’ve changed. SHe hasn’t.
But I’m not gonna give up on her. As long as she’s willing to talk to me she’s gonna get the same therapy techniques and spirituality teachings that all of my other friends get. She’s in for a very rude awakening. I help shift mindframes from negative to positive by challenging your words, your focus and your thought process on situations.
I honestly didn’t know I had it in me but I help so many people. Yeah, I know, here on this blog is the raw, uncut Ms. Tee. I show my emotional side here more than I share it with my own friends or family.
For the most part, I’m just not negative about life anymore. I see life as full of potential and conspiring to give me great surprises around every corner. I really look at it as if it is an adventure. Certainly not a punishment that I am obligated to trudge through hoping for some unnamed end which will lead me into something MORE than I have now.
I feel so good right now. I swear…if DEEP doesn’t deserve a reward for dealing with me, I don’t know who does. SOmetimes I just flip on him because I’m feeling emotional and he knows how to deal with it. He reminds me of Tamara, except Tamara would never be so bold to say the things he does, but I know she is thinking them.
I miss my sons.
In the front of my mind I want to be sad and depressed because nothing is moving as quickly as I hoped it would…but at the same time, I’m just so grateful for life. Man…for real. I’m so grateful for life and breath and the fact that I am able bodied enough to do what I do everyday. I’m so glad to be alive.
Alive.
Whatever the wind may blow, wherever my shadow shows, wherever my yellow brick flows- I’m in good hands.
Goodnite.