Month: December 2008

Not feeling well.

From what I’ve been studying about energy and wellness, most disease and sickness comes from a mind not at ease. I feel like my mind is at ease but I know that I am embarrassed and ashamed about how this latest adventure went down, that may be causing my illness.

I can understand how you feel when something good happens and you don’t want to get too happy because it might jinx it. That’s not the way to live life though. I’m trying to teach myself to enjoy the blissful moments without waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m trying to teach myself that I have self love, which is the greatest love of all.

No matter what..your life is your life and you can not be ashamed of all of the pitfalls or struggles you endure. It’s all a part of your journey and each obstacle or defining moment helps you to become the person you want to become.

Live.

Apologize when necessary.

Forgive yourself and others.

Live some more.

Trust your decisions, you always make the right one.

Live and love even you’re afraid- I hear that this will result in a wonderful experience one day…

Just rambling…Hope you had a good day..

Ok. I’m often very much self centered because..after all..this is MY blog but in reality, I’m very much caught up in the lives of my friends, sometimes living out their lives vicariously and enjoying the bliss.

Let me give a few year end updates…

Tamara
Tamara’s still working at the job that she started when she first moved to Atlanta in 2006. it’s easy for her, accounting, but she wants more and she’s looking and making moves to get it. Her kids are doing great and her son is already talking. He looks just like his Daddy to me. I’m in a bit of a dilemma concerning her relationship status cuz her man is adorable, beautiful and treats her like I always knew she deserved yet…

I like her ex better. See! I told you I am selfish. But these days he’s going HARD trying to get at her, spend time with her and be her friend again. I think he’s gonna try to be back with her but she says she is not going for it. I hope she sticks it out. Yet..at the same time, her ex is so charming and so much fun. When I think about her new man, I’m like- blah blah. I don’t want to hang around him, he seems boring. But her ex, he was a party waiting to happen.

~sigh~ I’m really invested in this like it’s my choice! LOL! I’m a trip.

Anna
I have no idea what’s going on with Anna. I haven’t spoken to her in a couple of weeks. Our relationship is changing but the love is still there. What little I do know..I can’t blog about. So…I’ll leave it at that.

Kim
Kim changed her mind about having a last minute wedding ceremony. She still plans to get married before this year is out and will be this dude’s wife by next week. I need to call her cuz she emailed me asking me for help planning her blogging 101 class. I was so annoyed when she told me that she was teaching it because she doesn’t know a THING about blogging or social media. I feel like she’s perpetrating on something that is very important to me. ~annoyed~

But she’s feeling so blessed and so happy to be with her man. “Everything keeps getting better and better,” she told me. “I’m so happy!” I remember when were both single and we would talk on the phone and fantasize about what it would be like to be in serious, healthy relationships. Now she’s in one and it seems fantastic to me. “I am my true self when I’m with him. I love that.”

Ruby
At this very moment, Ruby is on her way to pick up her boyfriend from the airport. He’s staying for a week before heading back to Denver to move them into the new townhouse that they will be renting when she gets there in January. Ruby found a job and she’s already gone through 4 different interviews for the same position. I’m like, “This job better come with a company car or something cuz they wildin out!” I know she’s gonna get it.

I can’t believe that she is with someone else so quickly. Seriously, my girl was truly enjoying the single life. She definately has a way with men. She can get anything she wants and it’s all because as she says, “I don’t let them touch me.” But just a few months after breaking up with her last long term boyfriend she meets this dude and…they are kicking it hard. She met his parents. He was even willing to come move to Louisiana to be near her, but she decided to just move where he is so she can have a new adventure. She walked across the stage last week and received her Masters in Organizational Leadership. She’s a BOSS! Everyone I know has a masters degree, basically. Some even have their doctorates. It’s such a blessing to be in communication with so many educated Black people. We grindin and realizing our dreams everyday…that’s a beautiful thing.

My Sister Teenie
My sister finally got free from her ex and she’s still enjoying being the caretaker for that elderly lady. Everyday I have to listen to her say, “I love my job. This is so easy!” She’s really getting into her appearance, ordering wigs, researching products to make her hair more beautiful and trying to become the diva she is on the inside. Her man is a trip and they keep plugging away at their relationship. She’s like that though, men never want to let her go. She’s very happy right now and I am happy that she’s well taken care of.

That’s about it..those are the people that I speak to everyday….

OK so things with Steve didn’t work out romantically but I realize that things DID work out because I learned some very valuable lessons.

I used to wonder why people compromise so much in relationships. I couldn’t understand it. If it’s not exactly what you want then why are you there?

Dealing with Steve..I realize why…

Steve was a lot of things that I wanted in a man but there were some very obvious discrepencies in his character but I said, “Wait..he’s not THAT, but he’s THIS. Do I want to throw THIS away because he’s not THAT yet?”

See? That must be what keeps people hanging around relationships that aren’t completely fulfilling. I had no idea..but now that I have been in it..I can see what the deal is.

The thing I’ll miss most about Steve is the very thing that made me attracted to him in the first place. I mean, yeah, he’s 6’4″ but I don’t like tall men. And yeah, he’s creative and charming but…it was his conversation that got me. I loved, loved, LOVED talking to him and asking him questions, hearing his opinion on different subjects because I found that we agreed on so many levels.

I asked him about marriage and if he thinks that signing the paper is necessary and he said, “Well, it all depends on the people involved. If one of them needs that in order to feel secure about the relationship then it’s necessary. But I’m like this, if I’m with you for 3-4 years and I’m cutting the check for everything and you’re straight and I’m handling my business then…I think we have an understanding and that should be appreciated.”

We also discussed how people get into relationships and go through this phase of compromising with each other. Like in the beginning of my sister’s relationship with her current fiance- LOL!- she would call me and complain that he was too ghetto and embarrassed her when they went out. He would complain that she is too emotional when she’s on her period and would try to break up with him every month and he wasn’t usually with all that back and forth.

Now..they’re smooth sailing because he compromised who he is, well, he adjusted his personality a little and she made some adjustments so that they will be better together. Isn’t that interesting? And if I think about my friendships, things are the same way. I hate it when Ruby does her “jonesing” thing where she insults people or talks about them in a critical way. When we’re communicating, Ruby tones down her “jonesing” and when she does say something critical, I take a deep breath and trust that she’s not doing it maliciously.

I guess we all compromise in different ways throughout all of our relationsips. At work we change our voices and diction. When we’re around our parents we watch what we say. When we’re with our kids we’re in super guardian mode. We do it as a sign of respect and because we want to continue those relationships.

I’m beginning to believe that compromise is a good thing and it doesn’t always have to be “my way or the highway.” Sometimes you can show someone you love them by letting go of the reins and allowing them to steer for a change.

I feel like I have the flu.

But this is also how I feel…

…when I’m pregnant. (I remember)
…when I have a UTI. (just had a new secks partner)
…just before I get my period. (minus the body aches and sore throat)

I hope it’s my period.

Regardless, I’m going to work tonight and try to be extra sanitary so I don’t pass on any “alleged” germs to guests. Sorry…I don’t have any money and I need to eat this week- plus it’s Christmas and I still don’t have any gifts for my boys.

…I NEED that money.

Hope my body supports my decision.

Thanks everyone for watching the show this afternoon. It was a unique experience but I didn’t even get to speak or anything. The guy wasn’t really a good host and the show wasn’t well produced so I sat back and watched the DJ do his thing. The DJ was extra nice to me so I think I’ll hit him up sometime.

~yawn~

I’m feeling so much better. I ended up going to the emergency room last night and again this morning over my seasonal asthma. Then they gave me a prescription for an inhaler and that shit was like $40. I couldn’t afford that. I called around and found out that Walmart has mini inhalers for $10 so I ran over and got one…~sigh~ relief.

This has been one crazy emotional holiday for me. I cursed out the doctor this morning cuz she tried me. I cursed out my manager last nite cuz he tried me too. I’m tired of cussing people out.

I want some affection.

I really do.

I hate Steve.

I loved the way he presented himself to me when he was in Miami, he was very affectionate and would just kiss me all the time and rub my booty, even in public and he was very passionate. He changed that shit up in Gainesville though.

I hate him for being fake with me and pretending like he liked me. I’m so offended and hurt. I thought for once someone liked me for real. He was playing. I don’t know why. Why even act like that? What do you get from it?

I don’t care anyway. I’m gonna get my boys tomorrow.

They have all the love I need. I hope we have a good Christmas. I have to work Christmas Eve but we get to be together tomorrow.

My sons are sitting on the floor eating a snack and watching cartoons. Today went way better than I expected it to, my cough isn’t as bad and I still have a few dollars to get me through until I go to work tomorrow nite. I look forward to seeing Tamara when she gets into town tomorrow and me and Mimi have a date for Christmas Day to see Seven Pounds. I won tickets on a website. Yay me!

But..here I am at another crossroad in my life. I think it’s a good thing that this is happening at the end of the year because every January 1st feels like a new beginning. But honestly, I try to make a new beginning in the area of men so often, but everything seems to repeat itself.

Let’s see. If you’ve been following me for a while you kinda get the repitition. I usually lust after or become infatutated by some unreachable man. Once in a while I actually MEET someone that I like and in typical Ms. Tee fashion, I let him know, grab that, and lose it just as quickly.

This last episode with Steve taught me quite a few things. One, I know I was compromising quite a bit because spiritually, he wasn’t headed in the same direction that I am headed in, but I loved his conversation more than anything else. Theres an old saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I guess that’s me. Maybe I’m insane. In my heart I feel like someone will love me just as I am without me having to alter my personality or my habits to cause attraction, to challenge them or to make them want me more. But maybe I’m wrong. Obviously my way of doing things has not worked for me. I can’t even remember a time when a man that I wanted, wanted me back.

Today I received an intriguing email from a long time reader. She says she has been following my blog since my days in Dallas and she said she is a tarot reader and is clairesentient and she has a message for me.

Here is her message:

When I have a dream about someone, I know that there is a message God is sending through me to that person.

So, I won’t do a reading with the cards but I will rely the message to you. Don’t be offended…you give too much of yourself away to men too soon. The relationship with Steve unraveled because you didn’t leave the mystery intact. Your heart is hungry for love, but this hunger manifested itself as desperation. You must resist the urge to have sex with anyone who is not ready for the whole you. When a man is interested, learn to hold back. Men like a challenge, when you drove to see Steve it turned him off. He wanted a match, a strong independent woman who can take care of herself. I know that you put on this front but inside you are sweet and tender. If you made him wait months to come back to see you, he would have broke down the door trying to make it back to you.

You have a beautiful soul and in time you will attract “the one” person that God has destined for you. But, if you have sex with someone where there is no love-what will you have saved for that one man who will stand up and stand beside you?

Wait for the man that is divinely right for you, you are not like other people. You touched people’s lives at the soul level, you have to learn to protect yourself “spiritually” from negative influences. We will all have negative experiences but we can limit the effect of negative influences. A person like you will have the life sucked out of you, if you allow the wrong people around you.

Well, that is it for now.

Take Care and Have A Beautiful and Blessed Holiday!

I do enjoy feedback from readers through comments and especially through email. When someone takes the time to write me a personal message through email, it shows me that they really care and are not just doing it for show.

This message was one that all of my friends have probably been trying to hammer into my head for years. The problem is, I do not know how to have a relationship with a man without it becoming sexual. A lot of times I use secks as a way to gauge how they feel about me. Like a test of sorts, if they do it, they aren’t worth my time. Most aren’t.

This time was different, I actually liked the person that was presented to me. Of course there were some things I could have lived without but for the most part, the way he handled my personality and attitude was exemplary. I don’t know. I still don’t feel like I was doing anything “wrong” just being myself which is what most people who I’ve interviewed said they did when they attracted the one who they feel most connected to.

I wonder if I can try to play the “catch me if you can” role. But for the most part, I don’t like anyone that I meet and secks is all I really want from them. I get that…I’m done. I’m not sad about it.

This time I was sad because I opened up more than my legs to him. I opened up my heart, I compromised on those things that I knew were very important and I allowed him to have certain flaws because I know I have them. I’m not devastated or anything, more like dissappointed but on a certain level- relieved. Like I always say, I am an expert at letting go of a man and moving on with my life and my goals. I have no idea what it would feel like for a man to want to stay and for me to want him to stay. For the first time since my children’s father, I felt like this could become that. It scared the hell out of me- to the point where I actually prayed that he would fuck up so I could let him go. It happened. I always get what I want.

I’m in this state of missing him for reasons that are unknown to me right now…coupled with feeling disgusted by his behaviour but still understanding that maybe he acted that way out of retaliation for relationship issues from his past and wanting to help him discover and heal from that.

I don’t know everything, but I do not mind revealing my life lessons along the way. I DO know that I give the exact type of love that I want to receive from people. I encourage others in the same way that I want encouragement and I love in the same way that I want to be loved.

Am I wrong for being me? Am I hurting myself over and over again? Will things ever change? Will I ever get it right? Will I continue to fall in love with men like Kanye, The Prez, Donovan Daniels, Steve and others who are unavailable to me?

I sincerely hope to one day write a book about REAL LOVE. I’d like the man I’m with to co author this book with me but for now, I’ll stick to writing and teaching about getting over heartbreak. THIS is what I know…What I experience and what I’m skilled to teach. I always manage to move on.

Maybe next year, my subject matter will shift to something more positive. Hopefully…

oh boy…just got in from a wonderful night out with my girl…But lemme back up and entertain you for a minute.

It was Xmas eve and I went in to Denny’s ready to make that paper. On the way there I’m talking on the phone with a new guy I met who I’ll call Deep. Now apparently Deep and I met when I went to that DJ networking event, the same event where I met Rick Ross. Since then I have been receiving these spam text messages about various DJ’s and artists that are performing and that shit was really annoying me. I sent a text to the number asking the person to identify themselves but they never did. One night I was in a bad mood and I got this text from the Spam person so I called the number to tell him not to text me anymore.

When I listened to the voice mail, I changed my mind. His message went something like, “What’s the deal yo? I’m here to tell you that no matter what the situation is, the Universe always works things out for your benefit. Trust that.”

I was impressed by the message so I told him that I liked his message and wondered where I know him from. He called me back within 5 minutes and we spoke on the phone for over an hour. We only hung up because I had to take another call. And we got back on the phone afterwards and have only taken breaks to sleep and attend to other responsibilities. I love talking to him because spiritually, he’s open minded. He has studied a lot of different philosophies and is into metaphysics and meditation and other things that I’m into. I was shocked when he told me that he was learning how to do Reiki. I’m just now studying on that too! That’s a plus.

But we vibe like crazy over the phone and he’s the one who set me up to go see that internet show being produced. He thinks I would do well with my own show. He also introduced me to another DJ who asked me to come by and help host with him on his show.

I think I’ll try it though I’m a little nervous because these are REAL DJ’s who get paid money to play music and I’m just a beginner. So…Deep has been helping me make connections and the only reason I haven’t met him yet is because we were both sick with the flu.

So Deep texts me when I’m at Denny’s and writes: I call upon the turquoise ray of prosperity to to downpour through your chakras in the name of infinity.

Basically, he was sending out positive energy so that I would make good money in tips. I appreciated that. It worked. I made excellent money and met some really cool people.

After I got home I went to sleep and woke up to a million Merry Christmas text messages. I returned some of them, others I just let go. I don’t like sending texts on holidays because it’s so impersonal.

My stomache alerted me to its need for food so I called Tamara and she said they were just leaving to go to their family’s holiday party so I asked for directions and met her over there. I love her family! They’re Trinidadian so they always have food I can’t pronounce but it’s always so good! I wish I could have packed a plate but her family doesn’t use paper plates or forks and they ALWAYS dress up. ~shakes head~ And they’re all beautiful!

We kicked it, we vibed..we ate, we drank. Tamara’s family is ALWAYS taking groups shots- and I do mean LIQUOR! We vibed to the Soca music and I stayed there while Tamara went home to put her kids to sleep.

So I’m vibin with her cousin and her friends and just feelin nice as we all sit, sip and puff next to the lake. I gotta go back over there!

There’s this one dude there who is trying to get at me but…nah…I don’t like dudes who try to holla at me. It’s an immediate turn off. Even when I do give them a chance, I am turned off. I prefer more quiet types that I have to go after because they would be way too scared to talk to me. They often end up scared of me because I’m so…umm…direct and aggressive about what I want but they like that cuz they are not direct and aggressive, they don’t have to risk rejection and they like to be told what to do. Anyway…

I don’t like him but he’s coming hard. I’m not giving him any energy back though and when he calls himself trying to massage my neck I had to give him the “I don’t even know you like that to let you touch me!” speech. LOL!

He was embarrassed and normally I don’t like to embarrass men because I know it takes a lot to walk up to a woman and try to holla but…I had to put him in his place. There were too many guys there and you don’t mark me as your territory by putting your hands on me in front of everyone. You ain’t even workin with nothing… I mean, he was really cute but…nah man…I wasn’t impressed by anything but his dimples and his cute face. No resume. Anyway..

So I’m texting/flirting with Deep just to make his day go better because I’m feeling better but he’s still sick. Poor baby. I get this call from an old friend from highschool and I chat with him a little and he says, “Somebody here wants to talk to you.”

He puts the guy on the phone and the guy is like, “What’s up Ms. Tee. This is Reagan from back in the day. With the white cadillac.”

White cadillac?

Ohhh… I start LAUGHING! LOL!

Hell naw!

Reagan used to be my boyfriend in highschool. LOL! Let me tell you about him….

cont…

I was 16 when I met him. It was a warm Spring day and my girl Anna and I were walking up 17th avenue back to my house after school. All of a sudden this white cadillac pulls up. Anna goes over and speaks to the driver and then she comes to me and says, “Come on and get in.”

I trust my dawg 100% so I hop into the car with her and as she chats with the driver and we drive around the block, the passenger is trying to talk to me. I’m not paying him any attention at all because at the time I was deeply in love with my highschool sweetheart and no one could ever tell me anything different.

“I have a boyfriend,” I told the passenger repeatedly but he didn’t care. I didn’t give him my number after we were done with our joyride. I got out and walked home.

A few hours later Anna calls me and is like, “Passenger wants your number. What do you want me to say?”

“Ok, give it to him. But I’m just gonna say the same thing. I told him I have a boyfriend.”

He pages me and I call him back. The first thing I say is, “I told you I have a boyfriend. What’s up?”

“You ain’t even gonna give me a chance?” he asks.

“Why?”

“You’ll see.”

And boy did he show me…

The next morning he paged me and said he was outside my apartment building. I walked out and got in his car (turns out that his friend was driving HIS car and the caddy was his) and he picked Anna up and took us to breakfast and then dropped us to school. See..since he was 18 and out of school already with a job this was a whole new experience for me.

At lunchtime he was right there to pick me and my friends up and take us to lunch and bring us back. After school was the same thing. And this was at the same time that the song- Do You Wanna Ride In the Backseat of My Caddy by Do Or Die had just came out. So I was like super impressed by him and his white cadillac with the white leather interior.

After hanging with him I began to look at my boyfriend differently. He was always broke and I always had more money than him. He was always acting sad like his life wasn’t where he wanted it. That sad shit got annoying real quick, especially with this dude breaking bread and making sure me and my friends had a good time.

I went to my boyfriend and…I broke up with him. Yep, this dude snatched me away from my first love.

I remember the first time I let Reagan come on campus with me. People would stop and stare when he came to school to pick me up but when he actually got out and we hung out in the halls one day, I wasn’t prepared for the reaction.

The next day my friend Dianna came up to me. “Who the HELL was that you was with yesterday, Tee?”

“Oh, that’s my new boyfriend, Reagan. Why?”

“Everybody was sweatin his ass! Look at his car! Damn Tee, you upgraded for real!”

I didn’t even think of him as fine at all. He just had a nice personality and I liked the attention he gave me.

~Back to the present~

So Reagan is on the phone with me and I’m chillin at Tamara’s aunt’s house waiting for her to get back. He says he wants to see me and I give him directions.

I’m standing outside when a car pulls up and since its dark I couldn’t quite make out the model. As he pulled closer my mouth dropped open. Is Reagan really pushing a…Bentley?

Dayum!

He got out of the car looking like he just stepped out of a magazine or a music video. He looked somewhat the same as when were kids just..more fine and more manly. I gave him a big hug and we stood outside talking for an hour and he asked me why we broke up.

I reminded him that he was too sarcastic and I didn’t like that.

“Remember I told you that the way you talked sometimes made me feel inadequate?”

“Oh yeah!” he stared off into space. “You know..You were the only girl in history to dump me.”

“I wouldn’t call it dumped,” I said. “I mean, we were kids. You were just a boyfriend and I didn’t like the way you made me feel. Are you still like that?”

“Basically, yeah. I’m the same. You were just so sensitive.”

“I still am.”

“I can tell. Well, I still wanna get to know you again. See what’s up with you. See if there’s anything I can do to help you.”

He told me that he runs his own business and has two sons who are near my sons ages. He lives out in Plantation but has a condo on the beach that he stays in when he’s handling business in Miami. “I’d like you to see how I’m livin now,” he said.

“I’m sure it’s nice. You were always a step above the dudes our age.”

“Make sure you call me…”

“I will,” I promised.

As I gave him another hug there were some people standing out there and they started sweating him and his car and giving him props. When he left they applauded me literally and I was like, “He’s just a friend.”

When he called me he said, “You saw those people sweatin my shit?”

I laughed. “Yeah.”

“Reminded you of high school didn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

“I was your trophy, wasn’t I?”

“Yeah, for a little while.”

So I got off the phone with him and called Tamara to see where she was at. She came and picked me up and we headed to Hollywood to a Soca club where we danced and whined and I couldn’t understand anything the artists were saying. Tamara looked GREAT and all those guys were sweating her and her lil sis HARD! It was so funny! Her lil sis is the type to turn a bunch of dudes down when they ask her to dance but Tamara and I are more open- hey it’s just a dance.

This one dude came over to me and stood there. I could feel that he wanted to talk to me and was getting up the nerve. I like it when I see that dudes are nervous. I didn’t help him at all, I ignored him until he said Hi and asked me to dance. I danced with him for two songs and then told him to catch me later.

Outside the club we talked a little bit and he told me he was 23.. ~rolls eyes~ But something said, “Talk to him,” so when he asked for my number I gave it to him. He was fresh to death in his outfit and walked like a man who took good care of himself.

After the club my homeboy called me to see what I was doing but Tamara was too tired to hang out more so we called it a night…

I’m about to go pick up my boys and take them to see a movie..Mimi’s here so I can’t wait to go by and see her!

Let’s just say…I had a very merry Christmas!