Last night’s show didn’t go well. It was my first REAL interview and the phone wasn’t working properly. I felt like something was wrong but by the time my sister (who records my show for me) emailed me to tell me that my guest couldn’t be heard, 30 minutes had passed. I sounded like I was talking to myself.
I was very much dissappointed because I had to end my show early. I have no real music selection to play and I really produce each show down to the minute so I had nothing to back up. Damn…
I had left my boys at my Mama’s house because I really wanted to concentrate due to the complexity of this show and my assistant couldn’t make it. So I was in the studio by myself when everything went wrong and the show just went under. I called two other DJ’s and they couldn’t help me over the phone.
I was sad. I went to pick up my kids and when I told them what happened they gave me a hug. I was about to take them to my house but I knew that their Daddy wanted them in Miami by 7:30 am the next morning. I wasn’t feeling that. I knew I wasn’t going to make it down to Miami that early so I just drove them back to their Daddy’s house and watched them walk up to the door. When Hyperchick answered the door, I drove off.
Damn…I remember when he did the same thing to me. I didn’t like it. But I shrugged and drove on home. I sat here thinking about my life and how messed up the show was and how proud I am that I’m not getting depressed over it.
We’ll try again next week. Man…I’ma be alright.
I love that show called My First House. They have potential buyers shopping for their first home.
I love to watch how the couples interact and whose opinion is more valuable and who they are influenced by. One couple HAD to invite his parents for their approval or they wouldn’t buy the house. Another couple were at odds about what they wanted, he wanted a home in the suburbs and she wanted one in the city. I didn’t know how they were gonna work that out but they did.
I often think back to the first time I slept in my old house with my boys. They were so happy! So was I.
Although I love where I am living because it’s such a quiet neighborhood and there’s a great park nearby I still do fantasize about my next home.
I don’t ever want to go back to living in an apartment so I think I’ll choose a house this time. It’s not too big, maybe about 1400 square feet but it has 3 bedrooms and 2 1/2 bathrooms and a kitchen with big windows and an island that I’ll never use since I don’t cook
I see a really interesting entrance. Nice warm colors and artwork that really catches your eye. It could be a 2 story house, my sons would like that. Wood floors on some of the house. Carpet on the rest, like in the bedrooms. Wall to wall closets because when I have walk-ins, I just throw all the junk on the floor. I’d love to have a front porch where I can sit and write. I’d love a back porch too that’s big enough for a couple of patio loungers so me and my kids and friends can go out there and hang out.
A nice sized backyard, not too big. I’m gonna have to pay someone to maintain it and I don’t want to spend too much. I can’t wait to be able to say to my sons, “Get your behind outside!” and watch them from the window or the back porch. They can have their friends over anytime they want. They can sleepovers, they can have parties. I love kids and I can’t wait to start an academy for kids and teach them about how to have a successful mindset from an early age.
I feel so relaxed today. I’m looking forward to going and making this money at Denny’s tonight. I love doing this shit. It’s tiring but it’s satisfying. I treat people well, they tip me for my service. Sounds like a good match to me. I love taking care of people.
Speaking of taking care of people I had to let that deal with Donovan go. I know you’re like, “Damn this girl is crazy!” Yeah it may seem that way but I don’t like to be in a situation where I don’t feel good about what I’m doing.
You can call it jealousy, emotions, imaturity or whatever, but the truth is, I felt like I was doing something wrong. I’ve slept with a married man before and I’ve stolen some lipgloss before but this felt way more wrong that those times.
One thing I figured out from all of the planning and research I did was- I can do this. I have studied so many paths to success that I can probably write a book about what I’ve learned. Hmm…Maybe I’ll put that on my “to write” list. I know what a successful person thinks like. I know what their actions are.
I also learned that Donovan is even more wonderful than I ever expected. He’s emotional and a bit nerdy but he’s such a good hearted person. Being that close to him was very hard on me, we actually had the same visions for our lives. That’s another reason why I’m glad we’re not working together anymore.
My sister said, “You can’t get mad at him for marrying someone else.”
I think that was in the middle of it too. I’m like, “Look how much I could have added to your life but you couldn’t even recognize it.”
Not like I ever thought it could happen anyway…
I just loved what I was doing and I would LOVE to be able to do that again for the lucky man who decides he wants to be on my team.
I am so glad that I have my sons.
Man….The sun is up and I just got back from Denny’s. Tonight was the worst Saturday night that I’ve EVER spent there. There were four servers on the floor and we were all sitting around reading the newspaper most of the night. My God I do love this job!
As usual, I’ve been weighing the complexities of life such as…
Why can’t I commit to one job?
When I look at the people around me who have done this, I don’t see anything that I want. They still are worried about money, looking for more satisfaction and annoyed by their co workers.
I just read an article that talked about fear of obligation and I asked myself, “Do I fear being obligated?” I don’t think so. I think I fear being stuck in a situation that I’m not happy with just to bring in some bread.
Why do all of my jobs last on average, 45 days? Usually, after a month I already know if I can see myself being successful there and the last 15 days are spent praying and conjuring up the courage to leave.
I think 2 weeks into my arrangement with Donovan I knew that I didn’t want to do it anymore. Not that I’m incapable of handling the responsibility or even that I didn’t enjoy what I did. It just didn’t…feel right. It didn’t feel good to me. I hadn’t gotten to the point where I was waking up dreading my responsibilities, but i was dreading hearing his sexy ass voice on the phone and trying to act like it didn’t fuel my masterbation fantasies every evening.
Walking away from a situation that doesn’t make me feel appreciated is an easy thing for me but for most people it is the most difficult thing to do. They may feel that they won’t ever find what they are truly looking for so they just hang on to what they have, but I don’t feel like that.
I know my worth and my value as an employee. I know what gifts I bring to the table in any organization. If I feel that my gifts aren’t valued, it’s time for me to go. WHy continue to give your heart to people who don’t give a damn? I don’t understand why people do that.
Now I sit in a place that is oh so familiar to me, a place where I have no idea what is about to happen but I’m expecting something great. Everything always works out for my good and I am a true seeker of peace of mind so I will continue to have it. As a matter of fact, I haven’t worried about anything in a long time. Well, I worried that Donovan wouldn’t be able to reach his goals without my help but then I realized that if he really wants this, he will achieve it anyway. His success is not my responsibility. No one’s success is my responsibility but it feels like it is.
Man, I’m so introspective but what else can you be when the majority of time is spent alone? I enjoy my time alone but I enjoy being with my kids more. If only we could do all the things I have in my heart to do- travel, learn, grow.
One day we’ll be together and when it happens it will be marvelous. We’ll explore together and grow together. Sometimes I don’t think I “get” them because they do things I have no idea why like physically fight each other. I have to ask them, “What’s up with this aggression?” I don’t know. I have one sister and one brother and we never physicaly fought. We were all in our own little worlds, completely oblivious of each other’s journey.
I may not be the most socially acceptable person due to my wayward thinking and rejection of conventional lifestyles but..shit, I don’t care. I’m not trying to prove myself to anyone anyway. I’m just trying to find a place to give my gift of inspiration.
And it’s coming… Hopefully soon.
I am so happy right now!
My boys are sound asleep in my bed and I keep walking over to them to kiss their toes and speak blessings over their life while they sleep. I remember a friend of mine telling me that her mother used to read the purity scripture over and over to her while she slept. She didn’t follow it, but it always makes her feel guilty when she even THINKS about having secks. It’s called a suggestion and if you make one to a person while they are sleeping it will sink into their subconcious mind. So I tell them things like, “Mommy loves you so much!” “Your life is going to be wonderful!” “You will succeed at everything you do.”
I love being a creator in their lives!
Today we stopped by Party City to buy their costumes for Halloween. They tried on so many costumes but finally decided on an alien and an Ice Zone Ninja. When I got to the counter the lady told me the prices and my eyes got wide. Why couldn’t they choose costumes for $19.99? Their tastes are expensive. On the way out of the parking lot I ran over a curb and my tire went flat. I don’t know what the hell to do in that situation so I called up my roommate who works for a tire place and he put a donut tire on it for me. Now all I have to do is be grateful for the money to be able to replace the tire. It’s on its way! I can feel it. I have no idea how but something is gonna happen this week. It has to….
I also feel good because I went to see my professor about my last exam, which I thought I aced but I didn’t. I’m not looking forward to any more surprises like the B I received in my last class so I need to know up front how I’m progressing. We chatted easily about the exam and I shared with him a few of my literary goals.
“What expertise do you have to be able to write a book like this?” he asked after I explained the premise for my next self help book.
“Well Dr. G, I don’t really need anyone to qualify me in order for me to give my gift now do I?”
He stared at me with a thoughtful expression before smiling and saying, “No, you don’t.” Then he added that he had always planned to write a self help book but hadn’t gotten around to it.
Man, if I waited until someone TOLD me I could be a radio host, I wouldn’t have my own show.
If I waited until someone TOLD me that I should write a book, I wouldn’t have written one.
If I waited until someone TOLD me I was smart enough to go to grad school, I wouldn’t be in school.
Don’t wait for permission to begin the pursuit of your dream. It’s your dream, you can start whenever you feel like it.
this made me smile.
I didn’t sleep at all last night. I was up chatting on the phone with my sister. She was helping me as a sounding board as I drafted my outline for my next book while I helped her by commenting on the links to various lace front wigs that she’s considering buying. She wants to glam herself up a little more and has even asked me for advice on makeup. WOW!
Much to my surprise early this morning I received a call from the publisher I submitted my full manuscript to. He said he had reviewed the manuscript and he thought it was “fabulous”. “I’m ready to move forward with this project,” he said. “Expect something in writing from me by the end of the day tomorrow.”
So, it seems that I am about to negotiate my first publishing deal with an independent publisher. How do I do that? I have no idea. There are countless articles on the process and I do plan to read them all since I don’t have an agent yet. I do have a friend I met through this blog who is a contract attorney so I’ll ask for her help to see if she has any advice for me.
I’ll admit, I wasn’t too thrilled when he called me. I think it was because although I’ve finished the draft of the book, I’m still working with my designer to design it and it seems like it’s taking forever to do it. I still have so much more writing to do. I have to find someone to write the foreword too. All this while I’m undertaking the NaNoWriMo challenge in November by writing my 2nd book.
So after all of those NO’s from all of those agents, it seems as though I may actually be moving forward to the publishing stage.
Speaking of the “stage” I found out that The Prez is now producing a show on Broadway. When I heard about it I was impressed and jealous at the same time. Look at dude’s bio. ~shakes head~
I want a bio like that. All I keep thinking is…I can’t wait to reach his level of resources and connections, I’m gonna blow his ass out the water with my creativity! LOL! I’m a trip.
Why do I feel so competitive with men I’m attracted to? It’s like their success drives me to do more and be more while at the same time I feel that I have to outdo them…
And I know I can…
Just give me a little time and it’s going to be…In YO FACE PREZ! And it all begins with my first book….
I hope you guys like it. I really enjoyed writing it for you.