Month: September 2008

“God cannot be lost…relax. There is nobody blocking the way…relax. There is no hurry because God is not something in time…relax. There is nowhere to go because God is not distant in some star…relax. You cannot miss in the very nature of things…relax. Don’t seek, don’t search, don’t ask, don’t knock, don’t demand…relax. If you relax, it comes… If you relax, you start vibrating with it.” ~Osho

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I just got through with my double.

I’m feeling half sleepy and half excited because I really like being a server. I like the people I work with. The customers are so cool, for the most part, but I still walk around smiling the whole time and it’s because I’m happy.

I love taking care of people. It makes my soul feel good.

But child please…man..ever since my cycle went off I’ve been so horny. All day today I was just having all kind of sex in my mind with random men that walked by me at my first job. i had to laugh at myself. Don’t men usually do that??

But the reality is, I’m feeling the itch and I don’t keep a team, I’m usually a one hit wonder. And I think one of the reasons why I do it like this is, of course I have fear of success in the area of relationship, but the real reason is, I never meet anyone who amazes me so when I meet a guy I know automatically that he’s not going to be someone I could be serious about so I don’t take him seriously. I just sleep with them and then throw them away.

No one impresses me. It annoys me because I love the feeling of having a crush on someone. It’s hopeful yet fearful and sweet.

So today God gave me lots of eye candy. Mmm mm mmm. The FINE dark skinned brother with the dreads came in again tonight with his friends. They didn’t sit in my section this time and I’m glad cuz I have to go get my chin waxed so bad. Damn. I hate this plucking and cutting shit.

Anyway, I also saw the fine ass big boy. He was dressed so nice and his swagger was on point. I got his number cuz he was just so fresh and chocolate too.

And there’s this one guy, man, his body is so solid. I’m not sure I’ve ever been with anyone his size. He has a cool personality but what really attracts me to him is his body. I just want to touch it. For real. I bet he has a nice tight ass with a dip in his lower back. I bet that dude looks good naked.

But then I met this other guy and in my head I’m thinking, “I want some of that. I wonder how young he is. Damn. I need a lil friend right now.”

So I go up to him and ask what year in school he is.

“I’m a sophomore,” he says and smiles down at me.

“Oh, so that means that you are about 20-21?”

“21,” he says.

“Aww man,” I say and look down.

“What? 21 isn’t too young.”

“Yes, it is,” I say.

“No, it isn’t,” he says.

“Yes, it is,” I say and begin to walk away.

“No. It. Isn’t.” he says and pulls me back. He put a little bass in his voice and I was like…Mmmm He can get it.

I don’t know why I like college boys. Damn. 21-22-23. Love them! Pop them like M&M’s.

Gotta go get some sleep so I can wake up and do it all over again.

Lata…..

I cried in class again today. My social/cultural class is all about exposing the hidden bias that we all have and really dealing with those issues before we are presented with clients who may trigger an unprofessional reaction. We watched a movie called The Color of Fear. You can catch the clip above.I’m learning that I am so sad for my race we have so many issues to work through and those issues are triggered by our skin tone. I have my own issues to work through even though I’m considered to be the cream of the crop of my race according to the light skin dark skin issue. But fuck it…why do I feel guilty about looking the way I look? Why do I feel like I have to apologize for being light skinned? Why are we always looking for approval from white people? Who made white people the standard from which we all measure ourselves?I don’t know why I’m taking these classes. They hurt too much. They make me examine myself in a public forum. I am already introspective but, this shit is too much.

I know in past semesters I only had to focus on my schoolwork and I made straight A’s. As soon as I had other shit to do, I got a B which I am still going to challenge because I don’t give a fuck what that hoe said, she wasn’t a good teacher, I learned nothing and I did my absolute best which she should have awarded a fucking A. So fuck her and I’m gonna meet with her ass to discuss it next week.

I’m not focused on school and I can FEEL it when I’m sitting in class. It feels like my mind is just out there somewhere and I’m still trying to hustle for money and shit and write articles for extra cash and still get better at both of my jobs plus keep up with this coursework and now..a radio show. ~sigh~

I managed to meet with the owner of our school bookstore and she agreed to let me have a book signing there and gave me the contact info for a professor with a specialization in publishing. I also met with an advisor about my research goals and somehow I feel like they align with the ones she is already working on. She offered to let me be 2nd or 3rd author on the research she’s already doing and I felt like I won the lottery.

Imagine…seeing my name as a 2nd or 3rd author on a real live research article in a psychology journal alongside a real live doctor! Man..I hope I have the time to volunteer for that. After that she says I can do my own research and she can supervise it and be the 2nd author on it. Yay!

Aww man….The biggest thing that came out of my meeting was me really grasping the ideas behind why people get PhD’s. My ideas for research really go well with the PhD program here. A PhD will allow me to help teach other counselors how to help people with problems in my own area of specialization. It will establish me as an expert in my specialization, which is somewhere along the lines of healing self esteem issues when it comes to relationships, maybe. I don’t know. I’m still open. ~sigh~ That sounds so sexy to me.

It’s crazy when I think of it all because I remember in undergrad when my BBDD used to tell me that I wasn’t smart.

“I have 6 requirements for my future wife,” he’d say. “Six S’s and sorry babe, but you’re not smart.”

Whatever. The bitch he’s with may be smart but she dress like my mama and she fake as fuck and she ain’t doin nothing spectacular with her extensive education. I guess everyone has to compromise in some arena. I do believe he got exactly what he deserved.

I’m tired and frazzled and in need of sex and I’m still pissed off about that fucking B.

Lord, please let me calm down before I meet her because I’m liable to tell her how her class sucked and how she ain’t no real fucking teacher anyway and bitch don’t be hating cuz your ass only published ONE lil article and I’m finished with my book.

Man..why can’t I just leave the past in the past and move on?

One B don’t stop my shine. I think it’s my pride having to let that hoe know she ain’t doing SHIT to stop my flow.

~sigh~

I’ma try to let it go.

God, please help me. I don’t see how I can handle all of this research and writing and still manage with my kids and pay child support.

I don’t know how I’m gonna do it all.

I don’t know how…but HOW is unimportant, all I have to do is ask and I will receive.

So here goes….

God, Universe, Infinite Spirit..Please provide a way for me to handle all of these responsibilities, making excellent grades, pushing forward with my goals in writing and research as well as having my sons home with me and being able to completely support us financially and spiritually with no worries.

Ok…now that I’ve asked, all I have to do is wait.

Something big and great is going to happen soon!

Wait and see…

Now I know I said I liked working at Denny’s. The crew is cool and it’s nice to have cash in your pocket, even if it’s all 1’s. And I like talking to the homeless people and waiting on tables…

Unless ofcourse those tables are filled with KIDS.

Dayumm…When we see kids walk in the door we all roll our eyes. They are always loud, obnoxious and rude. As soon as you walk up the table they start shouting their orders at you.

I have to take control of the situation and raise my voice a little and say, “We’re going to organize this so there won’t be any problems, ladies (or gentlemen). Each of you will have a number and we’ll start with you #1, what would you like to drink?”

I feel like a teacher. ~sigh~

Nah…But a lot of the college students are nice. One guy was out with his female friend and he didn’t eat, but she ordered a dessert which I made for her lovingly. So she didn’t leave a tip because her bill was only 3.67, but before they left, he handed me a $5.

I appreciated that.

I really appreciate all of the people who I serve who give me good tips. That makes me feel proud and makes me work even harder to be sweet and give good service.

I sometimes sit and think and then wonder why God made me the way I am.

I feel like God blessed me so much that it had to be a purpose behind him making me so wonderfully. I think He would want me to use those gifts to show what He can do. That’s what I’m trying to do.

The looks, the voice, the laugh, the personality, the intellect, the drive, the talent, the transparency- man- all of those were gifts to me from God put together in a package for a purpose. God made me to do something with everything He has given me.

I’m not going to dissappoint.

You never know who you’re gonna be next lifetime.

I’m on the phone with my sister while she’s trying to decide what to do with her life.

“What do you like?” I asked her.

“I want to work in an office.”

“Doing what?”

“I don’t want to be the office manager because they do too much work. I want to be the person right under them.”

She’s so funny. So we talked and decided that she would try to get an Associates degree and then see if she likes it, she’ll go for the bachelors. She’s trying to decide between human resource management and business management.

“You have to choose something that you LIKE,” I tried to convince her. “You’re going to be paying money or those classes and sitting in there for years. You have to like what you’re doing or you’re gonna drop out.”

I don’t know what she’s going to decide but I am so proud that my sister is trying to get into school. She never used to talk like this before. She’s now setting goals for herself. She wants to lose 30 pounds, buy her first condo, go to school, get braces, buy a car and get married all in 2009. She’s been planning for it all year long. She’s been saving and doing her research. My sister is methodical in her goal setting.

“I don’t know why you’re going to school,” I joked. “You’re going to be my assistant.”

“Yeah,” she laughed. “I’ll walk into the interview and say ‘Badunkidunk. See you on Monday! and walk right out. I’m still gonna get the job.”

Today was a crazy day, my classes really drain me emotionally.

Now I’m trying to write this article but all of these fears keep popping into my head so I decided to take a break and write here but they won’t stop. I have so much on the line right now and I’m so nervous about it all.

Like I said, I received mixed reviews about my book but no one said it was horrible. I have to get the school to approve the content before they will sponsor a workshop for me. It has to go through all of these different department heads and then if all goes well, they will throw a professional workshop for me and invite the counseling community.

Damn….

I am so scared.

They have it right now.

~sigh~

I haven’t gotten any agents to accept my book so far. 14 rejections in total so far, let’s see how many more I’m gonna rack up before I get what is coming to me.

I’m scared.

I got this radip program that my professors have promised to listen to. I invited my classmates to participate and co host when they have the time. They seemed excited about it and wished me well, some even volunteered.

I go in on Friday to record my sweeps and promos for the show and to get my last day of training. By this Friday evening I will be on the air, but just as a test run so I can get the feel of running the switchboards and all those mics and computer and stuff.

Maybe by next week, I’ll have my theme music recorded and my voiceover added. I think I may have decided on a name for the show. It took forever but after I finish counting the votes from my yahoo group, I’ll make the final decision.

I am so scared.

I have to really see if this job at Bayside is worth it. I mean, I really love it and don’t want to leave that environment because I like the freedom of the job and it being outdoors and there not being anyone watching you over your shoulder or no whispering or craziness like that.

I don’t know…I like it. But I have to get better. I keep making mistakes and everyone keeps having to help me.

~sigh~

Anyway, I’m not talking to Tamara anymore because for 2 nights in a row we were supposed to talk on the phone and she has fallen asleep on me by the time I got back home.

oh yeah…I’m not interested in secks anymore. I don’t understand that, my desire just comes and goes. i don’t know what’s going on with me, sometimes I want to kidnap a man and have my way with him and other times the thought of allowing a man to even speak to me makes me want to vomit.

Right now…I’m feeling the latter.

My boys and I had so much fun tonight.

“I’ve been paying you a thousand dollars a month since my kids were born.”- My BBDD

WTF?

No, try “You take care of your household and I’ll take care of mine.” That’s what you really said.

I wonder how the hell he chooses to try to lie to me like I wasn’t there. I also wonder if his friends and family believes his lies. By the fact that he tries to lie to ME and himself I can only imagine what he is saying to people about me.

I remember talking to his mother once and her telling me that I overdrafted his account several times and I was like, “What? Sorry but your son is a liar.”

I’m trying to keep it together but it’s hard when so much is opposite of what you want.

I encourage myself by remembering that I am experiencing a contrasting situation right now. This is the time of my life where I’ll look back and be so grateful for it because it made me appreciate the success I have.

This is the down time. This is the time where I feel all hope is lost and I can’t see my way. I read about these scenarios all the time as I study the lives of successful people. They all went through this time where they said, “Why am I doing this?”

But then they remembered that they could not be doing anything else. They persevered.

They came out on top.

I’m going to come out on top too. No matter what today looks like, my fortune is coming, my blessing is coming.

Things could completely change at any given moment.

As Tamara likes to say, “Things never stay the same.”

I’ma be alright.

And my BBDD, well, he’ll have his own karma to deal with.

The truth never stays hidden for long.

Meditate. Believe. Receive.