Month: May 2008

Wow.

This is the first time in a long time that I’ve sat down to write and I didn’t have a million things hanging over my head.

Tonight I went to campus and took my last final exam.

~shivering~

I’m done with my first semester of grad school.

Wow. How did I get here? Did I do okay? Will I pass on and get a masters degree? Wow. That shit sounds so foreign to me.

I know I’m of above average intelligence (maybe) but I wasn’t good at college. Memorizing and spitting back facts on a multiple choice test never was my thang. But I’m here. And I’m trying again.

And I’m feeling all emotional because it’s a brand new month and every month something BIG and SHINY and NEW happens in my life. I’m not afraid of change, I’m just nervous to see how BIG the change will be. Fuck it, I’m fearless but at the same time, I’m just…just…just hoping for some of the things I have been wishing for to come to pass.

I’d like to see my intentions manifested.

A beautiful, spacious home of my own in the Miami Shores/North Miami area so that I can have my sons back with me.

A solid, generous income generated from a creative endeavor that is flexible and allows me to use all of the skills I have developed as a writer, leader and creative genius.

My children’s father to finally be happy in his life and the evidence will be shown in the way he interacts with me.

Health insurance so that I can go to the doctor to make sure my body is okay.

The security not to have to say to my sons, “I can’t afford it.”

A really happy birthday dinner with my sons.

Happy surprises everyday.

Well…come on MAY. I’m here. I’m ready for whatever changes you have for my life.

Cheers!

Ughh…

I’m still working on that parenting blog and I’m getting better because I’ll try to write when I’m inspired to write and then publish on the day it’s supposed to be published. But this week I didn’t do that because I forgot all about it so my blog post for this week is garbage..again.

~shakes head~

When I think about my son I have a mixture of pain and pride. My oldest son, he’s 7, and he’s so brilliant. I know that most people say that about their children but he really has traits that even I don’t have like he’s practical, and reasonable and just…level headed. He’s good to have around to remind me of sides that I don’t see for myself in a situation. Yeah..he’s 7, I told you that he’s great.

But there’s another side to his personality. When my Mama sees it she says to him, “Hello Ms. Tee Jr.”

Yep, his temperament is like mine. He’s sensitive. He’s driven. He’s a perfectionist and he can not take faltering at anything. It ruins his mood if he doesn’t get it exactly right the first time he tries. He’ll literally curl up and cry.

When he does that, I just take a moment and I cry for him too on the inside because I know how badly I wanted to do well and exceed expectations and be this superkid and that’s because I wanted my parents to say something good to me. But I tell him he’s great all the time because I didn’t want him to have that same pressure but he still has it. It’s as though his view of his self worth is based on how many A’s he can earn or how fast he can master a video game or new topic.

He’s so beautiful and talented and personable…I don’t know how I can help this other side of him, this competitive side. I tell him that it doesn’t matter what he does or what happens, I’ll always love him and think he’s amazing but he still has this “I can do better” attitude.

Just like me….

When will we ever be satisfied?

I had no idea what Twitter was but Curtis the super computer geek nerd from Atlanta told me about it today. I looked at it and signed up and was like.. HELL NAW!

Are you telling me that in addition to the once a day thoughtful, super long blog posts, I can actually make a super brief, micro blog of what I’m doing or thinking?

Damn! That sounds like fun. I’ll probably update it like a HUNDRED times a day!

Ok, so to the right on the sidebar, I put a live feed update widget that reads WHAT AM I DOING RIGHT NOW?— so in case you don’t want to visit my Twitter page all day everyday to read frequent updates about what I’m doing… you can just visit this blog or join Twitter and subscribe and they’ll give u a feed.

I am over here rubbing my hands in anticipation of the things I’ll share….

Oohhhh.. My friends are gonna kill me!

I need to have some fun.

I need a haircut..no.. I don’t. I’m supposed to be growing my dreads.

Well, I need a manly hug. Dang..I have no one to ask for it.

I called my Atlanta friend. The one who I decided wasn’t right for me yet the d**k sho’ll feel right. Hearing his voice made me feel better and then we paused….

Silence…

As we remembered the last time we saw each other…that shit was just about perfect.

Mmm..mmmm….

“I’ll come see you tomorrow,” he said. “Naw.. It’s okay. I’ll be alright.”

And I meant it.

I think my head is hurting so much because I’m beginning a new career in this Second Life journalism. I’m gonna call it Metaverse journalism because it involves reporting on things from the viewpoint of being inside the Metaverse.

Anyway…Metaverse Journalism is equally as rewarding as regular journalism its just..the pay is VIRTUAL money. While I build my portfolio with this particular subjective style, I have to hang in there and recognize that the race is given to those who endure.

I’m just tired…

I have so many new beginnings and so much more to do, my book is halfway done. My parenting blog- needs to be better. I need more articles to do because I’m out of gas. Literally…I can’t drive anywhere. Tamara’s in town and she called me to come over but, I can’t. No gas.

I got Metaverse stories out of the wazoo, but do I get real money for them? NO. Lindens…Lindens… I’m gonna stop writing them. I really am. It’s not worth it. Not for someone who is used to getting PAID for my time and efforts.

I see the promise in this though…I really want to be a part of it..I just want to get some rest too and not have so much on my mind. I’m trying not to even think about the fact that nearly one year after moving back here, I’m no better off than when I came.

At least not financially anyway.

But I am grateful. So grateful that the issues I do have are luxury issues. I’m not over here starving. I’m not over here hearing demonic voices that tell me to kill myself, I’m not handi-capped.

I’m just a brilliant, creative genius with too much talent and not enough time or energy to handle it all.

I need a hug.

I need to see my boys…

Today I received an odd phone call from my son’s school.

“I’m so sorry to do this,” my son’s teacher cooed into the phone. “I really am. Please understand I enjoyed you when you volunteered in my class. Umm..The principal has asked me to let you know that neither you nor the boy’s stepmother are needed for the field trip this week. If you have any questions you can call the principal. Again..I am so sorry about this.”

I explained to her that I understood and that I had to go. I was on the other line in the middle of an interview when she called.

I sat back and thought about it. Yes, this certainly was a cause of concern. My sons are taking a fieldtrip to Orlando this weekend and they asked me to go with them. I hustled up the money to go and paid for the trip months ago and was so excited. My sons also told me that their Daddy’s girlfriend signed up to go on the fieldtrip.

The situation becomes stickly because she is very disrespectful and rude to me whenever she is around me, insulting me, calling me names whenever my BBDD is out of earshot.

So I called up the school principal to see what she had to say. She explained to me that my children’s father called her to warn her that his girlfriend and I have a conflict and that there might be trouble on the fieldtrip. Because he warned her, she had to mediate by letting us both know that we are not welcome to attend the fieldtrip.

We went back and forth for a while, in a civilized manner. I’m asking her how his GIRLFRIEND’s attitude could possibly mean that I can’t attend a fieldtrip with my son and she’s saying that she thought he was my BBDD’s wife and she didn’t want to be in the middle of it since the fieldtrip would be out of town and she wouldn’t be there.

Honestly, I wasn’t too dissappointed. I agree that the situation wasn’t one I was looking forward to but I wanted to go so I would have to deal with it. It’s just a fieldtrip.

I am not in competition with her and never will be. ~shrugs~ There is no competition. I get my money back from that field trip and I get to go and have a nice dinner with my sons for Mother’s Day. Yay me!

But my friends are in a huff because they feel like his girlfriend should not stand in the way of me spending time with my sons.

So let’s figure out what does she get out of being rude? I think maybe she just flat out doesn’t respect me.

And why should she? Whenever she came at me with some BS before I would just be calm and not set her straight, trying to compromise, trying to be the bigger person.

So now she’s playing the bully role..and only because she can’t bully anyone else in her life. I’m a willing participant, PLUS she sees that it bothers me when she makes her nasty comments. In a way I’m a pawn in her little game. She pulls the strings, pushes my buttons and causes me to react in a rash manner to cause confusion between me and my BBDD.

I’m not dramatic like that. I don’t cause confusion intentionally. I’m a peacemaker.

But…the REAL thing that gets me is…

WHY DID MY BBDD CALL THE SCHOOL TO WARN THEM?

He could have pulled his girl to the side and been like, “Hey, you two don’t like each other, why don’t you pull back from this fieldtrip and go on the next one?”

No..he couldn’t say that. He can’t control what she does and he doesn’t have any influence in her decisions. Which leads me to believe..

Wow…My BBDD is not in control of this relationship. He’s a punk.

From what I see, she is the one making all the charges and running shit. I hear he even asked her to marry him and she said No.

It makes perfect sense. Everytime I ask him to talk to her and tell her to stop being disrespectful to me, he never does. Nothing happens. When she is disrespectful to me in front of him, he does nothing. He doesn’t even bat an eye.

She has him by the balls and is probably treating him the way he wanted me to treat him, as though he had to earn my love. I remember him asking me to criticize him more but i refused because..fuck that..I don’t have time. But some guys NEED that argument, that stank attitude in order to feel like they have something worth something.

Sometimes in a relationship, when you act like you don’t care about a person, they run after you even more. To some this looks like POWER, but its really manipulation.

Who wants to keep running from someone they really want? Who wants to play this game forever?

I am a person of compromise in every situation. Some people see that as being weak, but I’ll do anything to make peace. I can’t wait to meet someone who appreciates that quality instead of seeing it as a flaw.

Wow. This seriously makes me look at him differently.

To think…

All those years…I was running after him, hoping he’d love me…and THIS CHICK is the chick that gets him to be a punk… Wow.

I lost major respect for him today. I mean, he did the right thing by tattling on us, because it saved the school some heartache because I was ready for whatever…I don’t care anymore…but he showed that he can’t handle his business himself…which is fucked up.

Who run that shit? He sure doesn’t.

I wish them both well. They truly deserve each other.

Hey ya’ll, I’m back on the mic sharing my world.

Check me out.

powered by ODEO

I don’t know what to do.

I have this job offer, well, it’s sort of a job offer. It’s a company that I made contact with that works through Second Life and they want me to come on and help out with their virtual news division. While the company is a start-up and has not received any capital funding yet, the amount of money they offered me, “contingent upon receiving funding” is a really good amount of money, in REAL LIFE money.

It’s kinda what I asked for.. a creative opportunity to come my way that will utilize my gifts of writing, management and being a visionary. And it will allow me to work from home because the company is based in New York. Well, considering that they do receive funding. ~crossing my fingers for them~

The concept of this business is beautiful and I really see it going far…

But the only thing is.. I hate news.

I hate watching the news. I hate writing news stories. I hate that it’s so boring.

I’ve written about five stories for their news division so far and I’ve loathed writing each and every one of them. I’m not writing anymore news stories. I told them that. I just don’t like doing that.

I’m trying to relax and allow the universe to guide me, but I get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomache when I think about it, but that’s only because it’s NEWS and I hate news.

On the flip side, I know I’ll do a good job. I do a good job at everything I try to do, so I know I’ll be an asset to their company. But I don’t know why I have this hurting feeling in my heart, this feeling that’s telling me don’t do it.

But I can’t turn down a job offer, especially THIS one because its so close to what I really want to do and it directly aligns with my current career as a journalist.

And the thing is I really do want to help them realize their dream because I think it’s an important and phenomenal addition to the field of journalism.

But they want me to start working NOW, before they can pay me, which I don’t mind, it’s just…I don’t want to commit to a project and then have to quit it when something I really like comes along.

Kim says I have to learn to say No, Which I really have a hard time doing since I LOVE helping people accomplish their dreams.

I don’t know what to do.

1. Take this job, work it hard and hope that it turns into something that I’ll enjoy.
2. Take this job and focus on the fact that it’s bringing something unique to my journalism portfolio.
3. Leave this opportunity because it doesn’t get me to where I am trying to go; I never wanted to do news and even if I take this, I won’t ever do news again if I leave it.
4. Focus on receiving the money and forget about what I want.
5. Help them achieve their dream and worry about my own later.
6. Fuck everybody and only do what makes me happy and will add to my long term career goals.

I don’t know. I feel bad about it.

I could add so much to thier business, but at the same time, I won’t enjoy myself at all.

I don’t know what to do.