Month: March 2008

I am amazing!

First I’d like to say that I worked on a project for a total of 80 minutes and made $250 for it. Get it!

Then today I received the MANGO that I had been trying to manifest since a few days ago. And it came in a crazy way.

I woke up this morning and my mouth was salivating, but it wasn’t just the drool from my night-time sleeping. The first thing I pictured was a nice, sweet mango, all yellow and juicy, with the seed all cool and tasty.

I gotta get a mango! I knew that I asked God for it, so I didn’t want to go to the store and buy one. I called up my Mom who was out shopping and I said, “Bring me home a mango!”

“Yeah right,” she said. I laughed and hung up.

Forget that. I’m going to get a mango.

I climbed into my car and began driving, all the while calling phone numbers to see who was home.

“Dianna, do ya’ll have a mango tree?”

“It’s not time yet girl. They are growing but they aren’t ready yet. I’ll save you some.”

I called Susie.

“Not yet, Tee are you feening?”

I called Raycita.

“Yeah we have one and you can have them all, cuz those things are annoying as hell, they be all over the damn yard. But they’re not ready yet. I’ll let you know.”

I’m still driving down South and I’m headed to Tamara’s mom’s house. I KNOW they have a HUGE mango tree and I’m about to go get some.

Something tells me to call Tamara in Atlanta. When she answers she laughs and says, “Girl, it’s not mango season yet, Tee. But wait a while and go over there.”

Damn!

I turn around and head home, feeling dissappointed. I grabbed a can of pineapples, open it up and pour its contents into a plastic bowl. I place the bowl in the freezer and then sit down to write.

When my Mama gets home she says, “Tee. Come here.”

I walk behind her into the den and watch as she opens the side door leading to the backyard.

“It’s a damn mango tree RIGHT THERE!” she says and my eyes grow wide.

I can’t stop laughing! I can’t believe it. I’d been trying to manifest a mango and they were here all along.

I pulled two off of the tree and..I’m munching on them right now.

What this has taught me is..everything that we want, we already have. We only need to open our eyes, stop frantically searching and relax..it is then that we can see, taste and grab it.

Happy Manifesting!

My life is a miracle.

My boys came back from a vacation with their Dad. They had all sorts of stories to tell about the cabin they stayed in, the cousins they played with and the fun they had in the mountains.

As we sat in bed, holding each other and talking..I felt so good.

Later when it was time for dinner and it didn’t come out right…I had to go buy some food from the soul food place, feeling ashamed.

As I sat their plates down on the table and they thanked me for dinner…I felt so good.

I’ve been having a lot of “feel good” moments lately. It’s not like anything has changed during these past 3 months. When this year first started I was so depressed, all I could see were the gaping holes in my life. I was so focused on what was missing that I couldn’t appreciate what was there.

Things have changed. I no longer feel like a little lost child. I feel like a woman who was brave enough to take risks that many would never dare try and I’ve grown as a person because of them.

The other night I was in bed and on my way to sleep when my thoughts turned to criticisms of myself. Before I knew it, there was this inner voice that said:

But you’re more good than bad.

You’re more strong than weak.

You’re more beautiful than flawed.

You’re more talented than unsuccessful.

Your kids love you, regardless.

You have more friends than enemies.

As the list rattled on, I found myself smiling with my eyes closed. What a different view of the world that I have now that I look at things through the eyes of gratitude.

Even in my writing, I’ve noticed a change. Sometimes when I’m trying to type out a thought, it will be followed by a BUT…you know, those BUT’s that negate the celebratory thing you’re trying to say.

I’ve erased those BUT’s from my vocabulary lately.

And today..as I sat back and thought about how much work I have to do as the semester draws to a close. Two papers due on the same day, a presentation next week, one the week after, a revision of my first paper and I still need to make enough money to pay my bills for next month so I gotta keep hustling…

I sat back and just..relaxed….

Everything comes in time….

Remember how good I felt when I moved into my place after a year of living with Mama when I first moved back to Miami? It took a WHOLE YEAR of bouncing around from job to job until I found one I liked.

I look at my sons sleeping in my room and I can’t believe how big they are. With every breath they take, I feel proud because I had everything to do with them being here on earth. I chose life for them and I’m glad.

I don’t know where all this peace is coming from but I do hope it is here to stay. I’m not frazzled by demands anymore. I’m not moved by appearances and circumstances.

I really feel like..All is well… Isn’t it?

In the blink of an eye, in a flash of light, in a cloud of smoke, things could change for me. But it’s the fact that right here, right now, I’m okay with how things are that amazes me.

I find the beauty in me, even when I need a pedi so bad that I’m slicing my socks with my toenails. I don’t know man…

I feel good. And I don’t have any of the BIG material things that I have been praying for/manifesting. I really feel like they’re on the way.

I feel good…and I know that people would probably look at me and feel sad for me.

I feel good…and I don’t have a man next to me, or even anyone special who cares about me that I could spend time with.

I feel good…and I have not completed the million or so tasks that I have to complete over the next few weeks.

I feel good…and I’m not even the superstar author and journalist that I’ve always dreamt I would be.

I feel great…knowing that somewhere, somehow, my divine opportunity to use my gift is making its way toward me.

I am grateful that my sons have the father that they do. Through all the craziness and all the drama, if I had to go through it again, I’d still choose him, I’d still lose myself in the relationship, I’d still feel the pain of having him walk away. I’d do it all again. Every tear, every year, every harsh word, every sleepless night. I’d do it again..just to have this moment with them.

I saw a lady in a wheelchair on Friday. I am so grateful to be able to walk.

I saw a woman with kids on the bus stop. I am so grateful to have a nice car.

I saw a homeless person under the bridge. I am so grateful to have a home and food.

I saw a biography of a famous journalist. I am so glad that I have taken the first few steps that took her toward her celebrated career.

I saw an author’s bio and I made one for my (future) self.

I have great friends and I imagine us celebrating many successes together.

I just…feel good.

And there’s nothing I can do about it even though I’m so used to feeling sad and wanting more…

I have a feeling that..Everything is going to be alright.

And it will be.

Tonight was another night of taking a break to watch TV. I don’t watch much TV but when I do, I try to watch things that will uplift me like biographies or HGTV. ~smile~

Tonight I watched Extreme HomeMakeOver again. This was an especially great experience because I got to watch it with my sons. As the family who was being helped introduced themselves, my sons asked all type of questions and I was able to explain to them about how great it is to help someone in need.

When the woman said that she didn’t value herself my sons asked what that meant.

I cleared my throat. “It means that no one ever told her that she had to love herself. No one ever told her that she was brilliant and spectacular and that they’d love her no matter what she did in life.”

My sons looked at me incredulously. “No one ever told her that?” my younger son exclaimed.

I shook my head and closed my eyes before responding. “No, Boo Boo. No one ever told her that.”

My sons don’t understand that some people, including myself, would fall over and die to be able to hear words like that from our parents. But I guess I’m glad that they don’t. Being the kind of parent that I am, and their father is, we make sure to praise them to the heavens and remind them that they are brilliant and destined for success. They hear it so much that they just sigh and say, “I know Mama, you always tell me that.”

I do tell them those type of things often because I want to give them the things that I wish I had gotten growing up. Yes, I had all the money, the outfits and the food..but what I was missing was appreciation, emotional support and affection.

I remember a month or so ago, I was talking to Tamara about how I noticed that women tend to show more love to their sons, especially when they have never had a man to show them love. Sometimes they go overboard trying to win their child’s affection, because that is what they are missing in their life.

“That’s probably the reason why you don’t discipline your boys,” Tamara said. “You feel like you always have to explain things to them.”

I closed my eyes and shook my head as I explained my definition of discipline to her. No, I don’t think discipline is yelling at your kids or beating them. I don’t yell or curse at my children at all. And I only spank them when necessary, but for the most part I speak to them in even tones and explain things to them as though they are PEOPLE.

As a result of hearing mostly criticisms, never being hugged or told that I am great and wonderful AT HOME, I am still learning to love myself 28 years later. AND…in my life’s search for love, I have attracted men who deal with me in the same way because that behavior is what I’m used to.

I don’t think children should be treated like animals and hit or cursed at and belittled for making mistakes. Nor do I think that the only words out of our mouths to them should be words of criticism. Yes, we have to correct them, but I think there’s a softer way to go about it without teaching them that screaming is the proper way to get your point across.

Once you start out screaming and cursing you’ll have to keep that up to get their attention. Because I never did that to my sons a simple, “You are dissappointing me” does the trick. They wouldn’t know how to respond to someone who is screaming in their face. Because that is how my parents communicate with each other, when my sons witness it, it frightens them.

After the HomeMakeOver show was over, I sent my sons to bed and then washed the dishes before sitting down to watch Oprah’s Big Give. I haven’t watched this show from the beginning because I’m not a die hard Oprah fan, although I do respect her hustle and career. I watched the show the first time last week and it caught my attention because they were in Miami.

It was funny to sit and watch as they went from neighborhood to neighborhood and met with people and organizations that I knew personally. The part when they showed the man going from house to house in that bad neighborhood giving out electronics made me cry. I don’t know how you grew up but my extended family has lived like that before.

It’s wild that I’m studying a book called The Science of Getting Rich and the beginning of the book made me laugh when the author proclaimed that having money is the only way to happiness (or something like that) because you can’t show love unless you have money because giving is the way to show love. That can’t be true? Or is it?

As I watch the shows like Extreme HomeMakeOver and The Big Give, it seems that money changes peoples lives. Even something as small as a $500 gift card would seem to be a miracle.

I know that if I was given $500 I would think it was a miracle right now…

Maybe the author of that book was on to something.

All I know is…I want to GIVE BIG like the people on that show. And that’s my plan. I will work, sow seeds and be a blessing to many.