Month: July 2007

I promised myself that I would try to write everyday. Writing keeps me sane.It helps me to feel like someone cares about what I’m feeling in my head and in my heart since I have no one around me who does.

I need this.

I woke up this morning feeling so good because somehow the floor softened up a bit last night. I don’t know what happened but I felt great. I immediately asked God to order my steps today and present divine direction for me throughout the day.

Then I said to myself, “And I will not think about him today.”

Then I realized- Doh! You JUST did it…dummy.

It’s not as deep as I made it seem last night. I guess I have so much going on in my mind lately and I am so lonely. I guess thoughts of him consume my mind because there’s nothing to replace it right now outside of prayer.

So far, he’s the closest thing I’ve met to my ideal man but thinking back to this time last year, it was my BBDD who held that position. A few months later when I moved to ATL, I met many men who surpassed BBDD’s accomplishments and then after I moved to Houston I met The Prez and he holds the top position right now in every area but…it could change if I open myself up to meeting more successful businessmen.

I don’t really want to because I want what I want (and I want HIM) but maybe thats the problem, maybe I need to stop trying to be in charge all the time and allow a man to choose me.

~raises eyebrow~ I don’t know about that…

I think the one thing that has been missing from ALL of the men that I label “ideal” is the biggest factor: INTEREST. None of them had ever been interested in me. ~laffs~ Isn’t that funny though? I think it is. I’m constantly shooing men away but the men that I like just walk on by like I’m a discarded penny on the ground.

But anyway…that’s not all I think about. I think about how good God is cuz my bills are still being paid miraculously. I don’t want to work on anyone’s job but I still apply to them. I feel great when they don’t call me back because I don’t really want to clock in anyway. I love to work hard, I just don’t want the silliness that comes with working in an office setting. I want to do my work and that’s all. None of that other mess. I want to give my gift and I don’t want to settle for a paycheck that comes with no satisfaction. I can have both.

I have come too far not to go for what I know I deserve.

I sometimes fantasize about God being my husband and that he doesnt want me to work because I’m his princess and he just wants to take care of me and spoil me and let me do what I love to do. I imagine that my husband will be the same way, spoiling me and expecting me to look good everyday and be ready for him when he gets home except…with my work ethic I’ll probably be up before him everyday trying to expand our business.

I think about my boys a lot. I try not to though because it hurts to nor be able to deliver on a promise. I have decided that I am going to bring them here but I don’t know when. I know we don’t have any family here or friends and that’s why I’m hoping to work from home. It won’t be a problem if they get sick and I have to be home with them. I don’t know why it’s on my heart to live here and I’ve said many times that there’s no reason for me to love this city but I do. I don’t know why.

I will keep asking God to help me be strong through the loneliness while I miss my kids and they miss me. I promised them that I would get them and I can not back out on my promise.

Kim is doing well. She’s living like a princess and volunteering and shopping and joining all kinds of groups and exploring Chicago and she’s STILL not working. Sometimes I feel so afraid that I’m jealous of her and I feel bad because I never get jealous of anyone…usually. Sometimes I am afraid that God loves her more because her walk is more comfortable and my back hurts so much from the burden of my own. Why do I have to be the strong one?

I try not to compare but shes the only person I talk to everyday and I truly appreciate her walk and her encouraging words and I don’t know why I’m on the floor and she’s about to move in her new house. Sometimes I wonder what I did wrong and she did right. I know I shouldn’t be this way and I’m sorry but I am.

I really need a hug right now. I don’t know what to do. I am officially CELIBATE. ABSTINENT. FASTING FROM SECKS. NO PENIS IN THE AREA. Almost 8 months now…

Wow… And it’s not like I can’t do it, I just don’t want to. Who me?

I do what I want to do…But I guess right now..I don’t WANT to do it. Wow.

But I do want to do it, just waiting.

Like everything else in my life. Waiting…and trying to do the right things and have faith that…I can make it and one day I will be able to take care of my family without having to ask my children’s father for anything.

That is why I dream, for independence. Mine, theirs and yours.

I want my life to be an example of a woman who didn’t quit and everything she dreamt of came true. I hope that this journal I’m keeping will become my success story.

All in due time…

I feel so fat today.

I don’t know what is going on with my body. Regardless, I have been feeling great because most of the people I have contacted for interviews for my website have all said YES. They think what I’m doing is great and they are all eager to participate and be celebrated for their accomplishments.

After my website launched I had to do some serious revamping of my content style and the process in which my content is presented. There’s no way I can produce a whole month’s worth of content on one subject by myself so I decided to do bi-weekly fantasies instead. I’m excited about next week’s fantasy, it’s called Embracing Your Fantasy. I’ll share tips on how to become more imaginative and I’ll profile people who are currently in pursuit of their dreams. I’ll also feature the Rob & Keisha engagement story: Remember the Ritz. It has the details of what he did to make his fantasy engagement come true, how they met and when the wedding will be.

This website is a selfish venture I’ll tell ya. My website encourages ME everyday. I feel like it’s my little baby. Since I want readers to visit everyday, I mke sure to feed them a new story of inspiration everyday and so far everyone is loving it! I’m so glad!

I feel like my gift is being appreciated and that’s all I wanted. Now if I could only generate some steady income from it my next fantasy of bringing my children here with me will come true. If you enjoy what I’m presenting and you’d like to donate or advertise to support my cause, please let me know.

Because we’re almost done with the fantasy: Celebrating Yourself, everyday I’ve been in a good mood. Last night I posted an entry where I talked about exploring your strengths and weaknesses through researching the personality types. I learned that my personality type is INFP: The Idealist.

Damn that was a great read! I believe that besides being a great catalogue of my forthcoming success, this blog could also become a serious case study for my personality type. Just look at these excerpt from my research and tell me if you think what they are saying describes who I am based on what you’ve learned about me from my blog.

True or False?

INFPs, more than other iNtuitive Feeling types, are focused on making the world a better place for people. Their primary goal is to find out their meaning in life. What is their purpose? How can they best serve humanity in their lives? They are idealists and perfectionists, who drive themselves hard in their quest for achieving the goals they have identified for themselves.

Who wants to heal the world more than I do?

INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP’s value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life. The goal at the end of the path is always the same – the INFP is driven to help people and make the world a better place.

Call it intuition or imagination but I’m beginning to think I have psychic powers. Even when you don’t reveal yourself to me, I can tell who you are and how you really feel anyway. Sometimes I can even “hear” people’s true heart in words like if they are saying a sentence and they let it trail off or if they say one word I can tell they meant to say another but they want to hide what they really feel. But I don’t say anything, I just allow them to think I don’t know.

When it comes to the mundane details of life maintenance, INFPs are typically completely unaware of such things. They might go for long periods without noticing a stain on the carpet, but carefully and meticulously brush a speck of dust off of their project booklet.

See! It’s not my fault I don’t like to clean up. Blame it on my personality type!

INFPs have very high standards and are perfectionists. Consequently, they are usually hard on themselves, and don’t give themselves enough credit. INFPs may have problems working on a project in a group, because their standards are likely to be higher than other members’ of the group. In group situations, they may have a “control” problem. The INFP needs to work on balancing their high ideals with the requirements of every day living.

Ohhh…Control problem? ME? No wonder I’d prefer to work alone, at least I know my end result will be of the highest caliber. And Tamara tells me all the time, “You need to give yourself more credit, Tee.”

INFPs feels tremendous loyalty and commitment to their relationships. With the Feeling preference dominating their personality, harmony and warm feelings are central to the INFP’s being. They feel a need to be in a committed, loving relationship. If they are not involved in such a relationship, the INFP will be either actively searching for one, or creating one in their own minds.

INFPs tendency to be idealistic and romantically-minded may cause them to fantasize frequently about a “more perfect” relationship or situation. They may also romanticize their mates into having qualities which they do not actually possess.

~relieved~ I feel better about being in love with my fantasy man. He’s probably not as wonderful as I imagine him to be but I love placing people on pedestals because I love to remind people why they are great. I can’t help it, it’s who I am and someone will love me for it one day.

One real problem area for the INFP is their intensive dislike of conflict and criticism. The INFP is quick to find a personal angle in any critical comment, whether or not anything personal was intended. They will tend to take any sort of criticism as a personal attack on their character, and will usually become irrational and emotional in such situations.

~blushing~ Yeah… Tamara tells me I do that all the time. I hope she understands now and I’ll try to work on not being like that so much.

Although cautious in the beginning, they become firmly loyal to their committed relationships, which are likely to last a lifetime. They take their relationships very seriously, and will put forth a great deal of effort into making them work.

So true. Even when I want to quit in a relationship, I can’t because I’m loyal, especially when I feel like the person could benefit from my unconditional love. That is why, for the most part, I used to endure abusive relationships. I just won’t let go so the other person feels like they have to be cruel to me in order to get me to stop loving them so hard.

I love learning about myself and embracing who I am. Even though I sometimes compare myself to my friends…at the end of the day I am so glad I’m ME!

Outside of whining about poor treatment from my BBDD, my Mama and I never sat down and had a discussion about men. She didn’t teach me about how I was supposed to be treated, she just lived and I lived completely oblivious to the silent lessons, both positive and negative, that I was learning by watching her relationship.

I get my view of house keeping from my Mama. My Mama’s husband did all the cooking and cleaning while he worked two jobs to give us what we wanted. My Mama would come home from work, grab a Budweiser and watch the stories. To this day, he STILL works two jobs and she helps some with the housecleaning now but she says she won’t cook because she’s spoiled and he shouldn’t have let her get lazy when she was younger because she’s not doing it now.

Tonight my Mama called me and said, “You do have a Mama. I just wanted to remind you.” I laughed at her, realizing that I hadn’t called in a few days.

We talked about my cousin’s upcoming wedding and the DVD she was making for her. Then I told her I’d go through the DVD she sent me and write down suggestions to make the next one better. I picked up the DVD and looked at it, my aunt’s face staring back at me. My aunt is gone. The last time I was in Miami she called my phone and asked me to come see her but I didn’t because I was so busy running the streets with my boys.

I asked my Mama how she felt about her siblings dieing each year. I was kinda afraid to ask her because we never talk about her feelings. She said, “Well, each one of them was sick so I’d rather see them at peace than hurting. When you grow up rough like I did a lot of things don’t get to you. We all gotta go sometime. I’m getting old myself. I got gray hair in the front but I keep dying it so it won’t show.”

“Do you feel old?” I asked her.

“Sometimes I do. Dealing with my sugar levels and thank God I don’t have high blood pressure. But I bought that treadmill but I don’t even use it anymore because it makes my knees hurt.”

She asked how my friends are doing and I told her that Tamara’s wedding is a few months away but she was going through fear, not knowing if it was truly the right thing to do.

“Well, all I have to say is, She got time. If God don’t want her marriage to happen, she won’t make it down that aisle. God will take care of it.”

“That’s what she says too, but I don’t know. I think we can all make a decision without God having to bring disaster.”

“Tamara has her head right, if she’s trusting God to show her, He will.”

“I don’t want to have to deal with any of that,” I told her softly. “Sometimes I think that relationships are more headache than they’re worth. Maybe I should just stick to my fantasy boyfriends.”

“The problem with these women today is, they don’t know their cootchie from a hole in the wall,” she said and I laughed. “They think that they have to take care of a man to get him to stay. They think if they do everything for him he will love them but all they’re really doing is showing him that they love him more than they love themselves and no man will respect that. The man will know that he can do whatever he wants and she will still love him and stand by him, so he WILL do whatever he wants.”

“If a man acts a certain way when ya’ll first get together, that’s how he’s going to continue to be. If it hurts you and you let it slide, he will never change,” she said. “So it’s on YOU if you stay and continue to be hurt over it. You don’t like it, but you actually choose it if you still stay with him. You are choosing to deal with it.”

“My whole thing is,” she continued. “You can’t force a man to be who you want him to be. If he’s not ready, he’s not ready.”

“How will you know he’s ready?” I asked her.

“Because…He will make it happen. You won’t have to do anything, you won’t have to prove yourself and you will see that he is making all the effort to be with you. Look at your sister, she did that wedding all by herself. That man wasn’t even working. He saw she was paying for everything and he wouldn’t even go and get a small job to help her. Do you really think he was going to take care of her after she did all that? Hell no! He couldn’t even take care of himself. How is he going to add to her life? Now look at him.”

“You make me want to cry,” I told her.

“You should cry. You should cry tears of joy that you ain’t in no mess like that.”

“Why do you think I’m not in a relationship, Ma?” I was curious to hear her opinion.

“Cuz you don’t play that shit! You ain’t wit’ it! You know that the man is supposed to take care of the woman and I know you ain’t fallin for that ‘I’m in love so I’ll take up the slack’ mess. Meet a man who takes good care of his Mama and says good things about her and you will find a good man. If he honors his Mama and his family then he will honor you and your family if he chooses to make you his wife.”

“I agree,” I told her.

“If you never listen to what I have to say, please remember this–MAKE YOURSELF. Don’t wait for a man to make you. Become who you are going to become and then when you add a man to the mix you will be more confident in who you are and you’ll always know that if things go wrong you can make it on your own.”

“That’s how I feel now. I know I can make it on my own. I don’t feel like any man has ever contributed to my success, but I’d like to build some part of my life with him. Even though I expect him to be able to take care of me financially, he’s really gonna be hard pressed to experience the type of success that I am going to achieve no matter how great his business is going. So it’s not really about the money, it’s about knowing he’s down for me and he’s willing and positioned to support me in whatever way he can because he truly wants to see me reach my goals.”

When we hung up the phone my heart was hurting. I asked myself, “If he’s supposed to handle things financially and you don’t cook or clean then what would you bring to the table?”

I began to feel badly as I searched my heart.

Well..I’m Tee. I have the gift of encouragement and motivating those around me to success. I do it with my friends. I’m smart too. I have a healthy work ethic and I love to work hard and long…the same way that I love people. I’m loyal and every man needs a woman beside him who believes in his dream and wants to help him get there, just like I want him to support me.

I don’t know man. My friends and their relationships kinda make me glad that I’m not in one. But I guess it’s the same as my friendships. None of my friendships are easy to maintain. We fight, we get emotional and we sometimes say the wrong things, but in the end, we all know we aren’t going anywhere and we truly want the best for each other’s lives.

The older I get, the more I get to know who my Mama is. I used to think she was so…ughh…But now that I’m grown I see things so differently.

She’s a woman. Just like me.

I am so flattered and inspired by the many emails I receive from readers who have gained inspiration from my story. People have written in to tell me how they stepped away from jobs they hated and have now found happiness in the workplace. They share how my testimonies of my engagement in abusive relationships helped them to recognize those same patterns in their lives and how my faith leads to building more faith in their lives.

But I have to warn anyone who is thinking of stepping out like I have…DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME…unless you are really ready to grind it out.

This situation is breaking me from my old ways. Growing up, I realize now how spoiled I was. I never had to ask for anything twice. I didn’t have the latest fashions because I was not really into all that, but I always had money and new outfits and hair do’s for every event. I never went without. Even in school when I had new ideas I wanted to implement, I can’t remember anyone ever telling me NO.

Because of this I began to understand that I could do anything I wanted to do. But now…it’s not so easy anymore. If you ask God to increase your faith, He will give you a tough situation that you will have to trust Him with. That’s not fun or easy. This is hard. This is lonely. Living like I do means that I have to face criticism on a daily basis. I’ve lost close friends who don’t approve of my decision making and I miss my family so much.

For those who have written to tell me that they quit their jobs and have found better ones, I am so happy about that! There are others who are thinking of doing the same thing but please understand that you may not be able to do what I’m doing unless you are going where I am going.

For my vision to come to pass, I HAVE to make these bold moves and stick to my principles but the ONLY reason why I was able to begin this journey in the first place is because God made it possible for my sons to be well taken care of by their father. I don’t have to worry about whether they are doing okay, he’s a good Daddy and I know he is doing a great job with them.

Before you step out on faith because you are unhappy where you are, please make a plan. Craft your vision for your life. Draw it out. Put it on paper. Then find others who have accomplished your dream and reach out to them for advice. If you can’t find anyone, please write to me and I will add your dream to my editorial calendar for my website and we can explore it together.

I am able to move around and jump from city to city because I have developed a skill set that is valuable in any city. I have educatied myself. I have had plenty of practice at marketing myself and I know how to impress a potential employer. The most important part of my ability to jump up and do what I want to do is the fact that when I have the opportunity to work, I DELIVER on my promises. I have a solid track record with exceeding expectations in the workplace and even though none of my past positions worked out where I could stay, no employer could ever complain about my work ethic or tenacity.

I am living according to how I feel God has led me to live, but my journey may be different from yours. You’ve seen me grow from a hopeful journalist into a professional but it’s taken YEARS for me to get here and I’m still not where I want to be. I do know that my gift is valuable and I have the paperwork to back up my claims.

Please remember that although you may have lofty dreams, there’s a lot of hard work that must be undertaken to accomplish them and if you have a family, you have to have the proper support systems in place in order for you to break away and take such a big risk.

A big part of my vision is to set up a foundation for dreamers like you and me. I will allow people to participate in my training program and have a chance to apply for a grant to allow them the stability to create their vision. But until then I feel helpless because all I can offer you is prayer and an encouraging word. I really want to be able to do more but I can’t right now.

Let me reiterate, this is NOT EASY. It takes a strong mind and a strong faith to do what I am doing. You have to be able to shut out all of the naysayers and humble yourself. Sometimes I think about rejecting the blessings that God sends my way because I feel like I shouldn’t have to accept donations of food and clothing. It hurts me that I can’t be a blessing to my friends right now but the end will justify the means.

I do enjoy coaching the people who write to me for advice, but I’m seeing a pattern in their frustration. They are dissatisfied with their current life but they have no vision for a better one. All they are focused on is running away from what they have, but when you decide to run away, you have to be running toward something.

Don’t make a move unless you are confident with where you are trying to go. Set a clear vision and then map out the steps necessary to achieve them. A solid education is a great place to start. Volunteering is an excellent way to get in on the ground floor of your vision. You have to have PATIENCE and you have to FOCUS on your fantasy. You must lay a proper foundation and you have to do the work.

Your testimony may not be the same as mine. I hope it’s not, I don’t like to see people struggle and waver in their faith. It hurts me when I can not help them through it but one day I will be able to help. My vision is to position myself to help you achieve your dreams, but for now all I can do is share the tough lessons that I am learning while I am pursuing my own.

Visit my website over the next few weeks and I will attempt to walk you step by step through crafting your vision and setting a foundation for your success.

May God be with you during your quest to achieve your fantasy life. Don’t be disgruntled by your frustration. As Kimora Lee Simmons wrote in her book abulosity, High expectations lead to frustration and frustration leads to action. Allow your frustration to motivate you to lay the ground work for your dreams.

Good luck!

Yesterday I decided to get out of the house and do one of my favorite things: house shopping.

I had a relaxing day. I actually COOKED myself something to eat. I watched a movie called Interstate 60 and although it took a minute to get good and it was a bit contrived, I still enjoyed the lessons it taught me.

Everything that happens is inevitable, the main character had to learn. He also learned to follow his own heart instead of doing what others told him to do. I also learned that there are consequences to every wish, I mean even the most perfect desire has its downside. That led to me thinking about my future and the amount of people I hope to reach through my writing and coaching and I wondered if I would ever consider success to be a burden. Does anyone ever regret their success once they have it?

I did the final read through of my engagement story with the couple. It turned out much differently than I anticipated. I remember my publisher in Houston saying the same thing about my writing style, she remarked, “Your style is a mixture of styles.” It is. I comfort myself by saying that it’s the internet and there’s no style manual for internet writing so I’m okay.

I also did an interview of an old friend of mine who is well on his way to accomplishing his dreams. He wants to make sure he is financially secure so that he can take care of his family. We also talked about being single and abstinent and how it’s time to do things differently than we did them in the past. He admitted that he didn’t want to be “out there” anymore because he wanted to experience the fullness of love & secks.

I told him about my crush on The Prez and his disinterest in me. Since that post where I released my emotions about how I felt I have had the strangest feeling about it all. I feel like I’m finally letting go. I can’t force someone to see who I am and want to be with me and I don’t think that God would send me someone that I had to prove myself to. I guess I like him because of the way he has taken on such a lofty challenge at such a young age. I think more than liking him as a person, I just had this idea in my mind that I could help him shine with my encouragement. The truth of the matter is, I don’t really know him and I have no idea if he’s right for me. I guess the fantasy of being with someone that I can see is going in the same direction as I am fueled my infatuation.

I feel like I’m getting over it now. All I have to do is forgive myself for being so foolish. Ruby used to remind me, “Tee, you love PEOPLE.” It’s true, I want to be an asset to everyone’s life and when people share their dreams with me I feel like it’s my responsibility to help make them happen.

There’s a pattern that I see as I write these love stories. I see now that the connections are made between two people who are in the same places in life both profesionally and spiritually. Even with Kanye and his fiance, they have the same love of fashion. It takes a common passion to unite two people and I’ll wait patiently until I find that perfect match. No more trying to make prove myself or wreckless fantasizing on my end.

I have been working so hard on my website. It’s the closest I’ve gotten to really enjoying my career and accomplishing my dream of using my gift to help people achieve the success I want for myself. I have so much peace and excitement about it all and the happiness I feel when I’m working from home, doing interviews in my underwear and staying up late to write, lets me know that this is what I was supposed to be doing all along.

I’m feeling melancholy right now, thinking about the mistakes I’ve made in the past. But all of that is erased in my mind because I know that I am on the divine plane and God is directing my path.

I’m training myself to forget about what I thought was lost and to look forward to a bright future filled with FURNITURE, LOVE & LAUGHTER and a little bit of kinky secks too.

Kim texted me early this morning.

You gotta watch Oprah today.

I shook my head because Oprah is Kim’s idol. Her dream is to go on the Oprah show with me. Yeah, I know. It’s not my dream, it’s hers but I told her that if I ever appear on Oprah I’ll make sure that she is there too.

Why? I texted her back.

Cuz its about the same thing we were talking about last night.

What time and channed? I texted her.

ABC at 4.

So I tried to remember to watch the show. It took a lot since I don’t watch television regularly. I found the right channel at the right time and my eyes grew wide when I saw what the topic was: LOVE STORIES.

How ironic. Angela Bassett was on the show with her husband and they told their love story. I actually came up with the same idea to have Angela and her husband discuss their book as well as a discussion on love in the Black community a few weeks ago. I pitched it to the website along with the idea for my engagement story. They never responded. ~shrugs~ Maybe they didn’t think it was a good idea or maybe I need to leave them alone since I did leave there.

I think I’d make a great producer. I have so many great ideas and no one to give them to. I love to organize features and I’d actually be good at bringing the whole thing together. I began to feel a little sad because I feel like my talent is going to waste. It reminds me of my friend Kenya who is consistently in the same situation that I am in with so much talent and creative ideas and no one to use them or back them.

But when I thought about the interview I did earlier today for my site, I regained my peace. The woman I interviewed is a financial planner, speaker, radio host and author and she loved my website. She shared a few of her principles with me about knowing that God is your source and supply and how important it is to completely trust Him to bring to pass your desired end.

She said that fears come when we depend on ourselves but when we realize that God is working through us, we will have more confidence. She also talked about the flow of God and how He gives us gifts that others will need so there’s an even exchange of gifts for gifts. If we never break the flow by doubting ourselves or stepping out of God’s will, all of our needs will be met.

It reminded me of how I paid my bills for last month. Ross the photographer, needed a writer to tell his love story and I had the gift to do it. It was definitely a divine appointment and I am still grateful for the provision. When I think about that I don’t worry about my rent being due in 2 days and how I have no money for it. God is my supply and He won’t take away the home He gave me. I am through with sleeping in my car. I know that’s for sure.

~sigh~ I told you this journey is breaking me. I’m used to having what I want when I want it and I’m learning patience and focus as I concentrate on giving my gift and allowing God to move on my behalf.

I should definitely look into the producer job though. I wonder who could use me. I wonder if that’s where I’m supposed to go next. I know I’d be excellent at it, I just don’t know if a company could handle me. Damn I work hard when I have a job and no one can deny that. I don’t understand why I get complaints for doing too much, but I guess it’s God’s will for my life.

Mediocrity attacks excellence is the quote Kenya texted me a few days ago. I had to call her to discuss. She said that when people see you doing superior work they try to attack you because they don’t want you to force them to step up their game.

Oh well. What can I do but move forward? I trust that I am right in the palm of His hand and as he changes my heart and leads the way, I’m open to the flow of His divine plan.

I don’t know about you but I can find inspiration in anything. As I wait for my next miracle, expecting it wholeheartedly I look for messages in every phone call, every book and every song I hear.

Remember Rick Ross’s song from last summer, Push it To the Limit? My publisher in Atlanta and I had a conversation about that song because I told him that it was an inspirational song and he looked at me like I was crazy.

“They’re talking about trafficking drugs, Tee,” he said confidently.

“No they’re not. They’re talking about going after your dreams and not giving up no matter what!” I shot back.

He laughed at me. But to this day, whenever I think about the chorus it pushes me to keep going.

When I watch movies I look for the inspirational message behind them. And because I expect to find one, I usually do.

Tonight one of my old co workers invited me to a movie screening. I went because I enjoy spending time with her, we always laugh and have fun. We went to the movie theatre down the street from my house to watch Hot Rod, a comedy about a stunt man. It was hilarious! I even got a tattoo and a t-shirt. I laughed out loud plenty of times and I really had a good time.

This movie was inspirational to me because the main character, Rod, had a dream for his life but he wasn’t really succeeding at accomplishing his dream. Once he had a cause to push him to fight for the realization of being a successful stuntman he pushed forward with so much passion that it gave me chills. His faith was shaken when he realized that his dream was built on a lie and he gave up and tried to change who he was. But you know what, when your destiny is calling you, you can’t run from it.

Not even a day after he gave up on his dream, someone contacted him telling him that they had heard about his mission and they wanted to sponsor him to achieve his goal. It’s funny that this person had a dream too and saw the opportunity to propel his own goals through supporting Rod’s dream. In the end Rod accomplished his dream and his sponsor accomplished his too, but that’s not the main point.

The part that spoke to me was the feeling I got when I watched this man walk away and his destiny called him back. I guess you can think of it in terms of doing what you love to do. When people see that you are good at something, they keep calling to request that you do it again and again. Even though you don’t seem to be getting anything from doing it, you’re not making the money that you want to make or people aren’t giving you the gratitude that you think you deserve, that thing won’t go away. It keeps coming back.

I think until you decide to give your gift without expecting anything in return, you’ll never be satisfied with what you get. I want to give encouragement and wisdom through my website and ain’t nobody advertising with me yet. My website still looks like some old blog but I refuse to let that stop me from giving how I know how to give.

The same ideas keep coming back to me, my love for writing and encouragement, my love for producing great features and coaching people to succes just won’t go away. I won’t wait until someone pays me before I am satisfied in my giving. I’m still going to give and expect that God will take care of the rest.

I love where I am right now, emotionally. I’m at peace with myself. I love who I am and I accept every little thing about me as God’s unique markings of the person He wanted me to be. Who’d have thought that it would take for me to be seperated from every person that I know and love and to be totally living in a wilderness to get here? But I’m glad I’m here. The journey was and is worth it.

My affirmation for today read, “You will make bricks without straw. God will make a way out of no way.” I’m getting better at preparing for success instead of failure because I know the truth and the truth is…you ultimately get whatever you prepare for.