Month: December 2006

You Asked Me

I want to be published. What do you need from me?

If you want to be published in the magazine I work for please email me and I will give you the specifics. We’re looking for 250-300 word Op-Ed pieces only. This invitation is open to anyone with an opinion.

My question is if you fear that you’re sometimes too open on this blog?

I am able to write so openly on this blog because…ya’ll don’t know me. And even if you did, I don’t really care what you think. ~shrugs~ When you first meet me, I’m very stand offish, but once I decide that I like you, I am just as open in person as I am on my blog. My friends always say, “You write on your blog as though you are talking to me.” I consider my blog to be my friend. I rarely hold back because blogging is pure therapy for me.

Why are you so afraid of a healthy, successful, loving relationship?

I am not afraid of a healthy, successful, loving relationship. I enjoy many of these type of relationships with women and a couple of guy friends. Do I believe that I can achieve the same thing with a man? No. I believe men are incapable of relating with me (romantically) in a healthy manner. I no longer expect success in this area. Honestly, I’m just hoping for financial security and a couple more babies.

My expectations have changed, marriage is an option however, it will be treated as a business deal, carefully weighing all the pros and cons and what will benefit our futures the most. What is the likelihood that this merger will be successful? I don’t know. I’m just trying to see what works best for me. I’m open to revising my idea of the constitution of marriage. Who says LOVE should be the deciding factor? Ahh.. I’m just talking shit. I don’t have any of the answers. I know I’m just tired of hurting and not being enough…

A while back you mentioned that your sons father wanted to obtain custody of them and that he had gotten a family lawyer…or something to that effect. You never mentioned that again? What da dilly? Update please. : )

I try not to write too much about that on my blog. You know.. unless it’s really bothering me. Nothing significant has happened with that. They are still with him and he is taking excellent care of them. I really believe they need this time with him though, my selfishness wants them here with me. They need to know their Dad too.

All I want to know is what’s the deal with Dell…Is he gay, is he married, what’s really going on?

Gay? Married? Neither has been confirmed. The story will follow. You be the judge.

Also, regarding the types of men you choose to date, have you ever tried dating men who have children too?

I don’t really “try” to date men. I go out with the intention of staying far away from men but sometimes one catches my eye and I say, “damn…Here we go again.” And it always turns out the same. I have to find a new way to identify potentials cuz mine if obviously not working. Oh, to answer your question- believe it or not- I never meet men with children. Never. I don’t know where they are but I don’t run into them. I think it would be cool. I have lots of love for everyone involved.
When do you think you’ll have your kids with you full-time?I don’t know. I really don’t know. I feel like I’m starting over from scratch and it hurts to be like this.When you go out dancing, what style of dancing do you do on the dance floor?Um…I shake my ass. Is that a style? Pop- Drop- Shake… All that stuff.You mention Black & Milds from time to time. Do you smoke every day (I used to smoke but quit a few yrs. back)?Now I smoke everyday (again). I only do it when I am bored. And since I don’t have much of a social life up here..I’m alone alot and I light up. Bad habit.What do you think about the black journalist for the NY Times who got busted a year or two ago for fabricating parts of his stories?At the time I was shocked because I have a deep seeded ethical code and I couldn’t believe that someone did that because it never crossed my mind. Now that I’m IN the publishing industry…I believe it. I have seen it myself. I still don’t respect it or the writers who do it.I wanna know what happened with you and Dell.Man… The pressure. I’m gonna tell it. Stay tuned. It’s worth the wait.I want to know why you never took you children’s father to court for child support.I get this question often and I always feel the same way. Imagine if you’re 60 pounds overweight and you’ve spent years trying every diet you could but have seen no results. If someone walks up to you and says, “You should try to lose weight.” How would you feel? Just because you don’t see the result you think you should see, doesn’t mean no effort has been made.This year alone I have been to court dates TWICE. Over the past 4 years I have made multiple requests and petitions and have never seen anything come of it. When I went to Miami last week I went because we had a court date scheduled. Since I have no attorney and am now out of the state and he is one, he wins. We had our last court case today. I appeared telephonically. The result: He owes me no back support for the children because of all the loopholes and the fact that when I file for modification he immediately follows up with a motion for custody. How did they figure that? Man…I’m simply disgusted. And since they don’t live with me right now… he asked today if he can file for child support from me and they assured him that he could. Isn’t that sweet? Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder what the hell all this “do good” is for. If the good guys never win, why am I compelled to do the right thing all the time? Sometimes I feel like an idiot when I see how he prospers while I struggle. But…I can’t change who I am. God made me this way. I just wanna do right.
Why do you refer to yourself as gay from time to time. I know you’ve said because of your haircut people think that and you described your encounter not too long ago but what is the thing with being gay?I wish I was gay. Yeah. I said it. I wish I could desire a woman physically and emotionally in the way that I desire a man. I have great connections with my girlfriends but have never had that with a man so it took me a long time to let go of the fact that I can’t MAKE myself be gay. Now I’m okay with it. ~shrugs~How much of this blog is real or true? Do you make stuff up?What are memories? Are they a collection of visual scenes from your past tastefully colored to fit your perception of the event? LOL! I’m crazy.I would consider this blog to be fiction because there’s no real way I could remember all of those quotes that I use in my stories. I write to capture the heart of an event and I sometimes change the details to protect the involved parties but my emotions are real. At the heart of any good piece of work, there is truth.How are you handling being without your boys?I am not handling it well. Today I had a mental breakdown. I’ve come to a crossroad where I realize that having a job that I love with all of my heart isn’t worth being without my sons. I don’t know how God could have this in His plans for me. It hurts everyday. And I had to stand and face myself and admit, because I am unstable right now..the best place for the boys to be is with their father. I remember someone once commented: There is more than one way to be a good Mom. That changed my life. Being a good Mom for me, right now, is allowing them to get to know their father the way they know me. I would be selfish if I snatched them up from stability to float around with me while I try to make something of my life. Sometimes I want to be selfish. Sometimes I want to go grab my boys and hold them until we all grow old. For all of these years I have been their Mom, a blogger and a good friend. Those are the things I am proud of. I want them to be proud of me. I want to do well for them. It’s so much easier to quit and run away, but I know I’ll always regret it if I don’t see what happens with this. Lord, please give me the strength to smile and keep moving knowing that my heart is not whole without my beautiful sons.

Never Been Kissed

The last time I wrote about Dell, I was storming out of his apartment after screaming at him because I felt like I was torturing myself by being around him. I thought for sure that the man wouldn’t have any interest in dealing with my crazy emotions.

The next evening I called him to talk but before I could get a word out he said, “I wanna smoke. Come thru.”

I almost jumped for joy. He wants to smoke with ME! Yay! Shake that thang! I put on my clothes and drove downtown to his apartment. When he opened the door I gave him a kiss on the cheek and he responded stiffly but I didn’t care because I was happy that he didn’t hold my emotional tirade against me. At the time I was on the phone with my sons so I went into his bedroom to change clothes and he went into his office to finish up his work.

By the time I was done with my phone convo, I was wearing nothing but an old t-shirt of his. I went into the kitchen to load and start the dishwasher and threw a load of his laundry into the washer. I then went into his office and sat beside him to watch him work. I love watching him work. He sits seriously in front of his desktop computer managing programs that I have never heard of. He looks so cool when he’s making those calls and I listen intently as he speaks to his employees. He has a good rapport with them, speaking tactfully but firmly.

After a little while of me sitting there staring at him I began to feel like a groupie so i excused myself and went to the living room. I opened up his other laptop and leaned back. Ahhhhh….It felt like heaven. I don’t own a laptop yet but damn, now I see why everyone does.

Imagine…the comfort of taking your computer with you wherever you go! Wow! I sat and wrote a story that I knew was due the next day. I paused in between creative ideas. Wow. This is cool. He’s doing his work and I’m doing mine and we’re just happy to be in each other’s presence. As he walked into the living room and sat next to me, lighting a fat blunt and passing it to me, I promised myself that I would not stress him about paying me attention anymore. He needs to work. I won’t stand in the way of that. He’ll give me affection when he’s ready.

Before I could finish writing my story he looked at me and said, “I’m going to bed now. If you want to talk to me, bring the laptop in the bed and you can talk to me until I fall asleep.”

I felt like a little kid being given permission to eat dinner in the living room. He shook his head at my delight and smiled at me.

We both climbed under the covers and I placed the laptop on my lap as he lay face down on the bed to my left. I was so enamored by the glow of the computer screen that I forgot all about talking to him. Imagine sitting IN BED with your computer! Wow! I need a laptop. Oh my gosh! I was mesmerized.

I would marry my computer if I could. This was definitely the next best thing.

By the time my thoughts turned back to Dell, he was already asleep. I watched as his eyes fluttered bathed in the glow of my computer screen. My hand moved to touch him, but I withdrew quickly, not wanting to wake him.

As I inhaled the sight of his beautiful brown skin my admiration turned to frustration.

Wait a minute. I’m a woman. I’m Not bad looking…Sitting here in this dude’s bed wearing his t-shirt and a thong and dude has YET to try to touch me. I don’t get it. We have slept together so many times, how come he hasn’t tried me yet? Come on…It’s been 2 months. How much longer are you gonna make me wait? I wanna have sex with you. My eyes pleaded silently for him to wake up and notice my presence. I wanna feel you and I want you to feel me too.

I could feel my hands ball up into fists as I crossed my arms and stared at him angrily. What’s wrong with you dude? What’s wrong with me? I don’t get this. I scooted closer to him, to give him some encouragement and even in his sleep, he scooted away.

Hold up. I took a shower before I came. That can’t be it. I don’t understand.

Look, all you have to do is reach out your hand and touch me here. I’d return the favor and then I’d make you go Mmmm…. All I wanna do is kiss you all over and throw it back to ya. Why the HELL are you SLEEPING?

I hate him. He can just kiss my ass. I need affection and attention not this BULLSHIT he giving me. I closed the laptop, lay down and rolled my eyes in his direction. The back of his head stared back at me.

What a punk!

He turned in his sleep, this time facing my direction and I…I… I couldn’t help but admire this fine ass man.

This man is so damn fine.

So…damn…fine…

He has a body like Mos Def. A beautiful red clay skin tone. Big brown eyes with luscious lashes and a chiseled jawline. Best of all, he’s the perfect height, 5’8″. Mmmmm…..

Damn…

I’m not used to this. Every other man I’ve ever met has immediately tried to poke me, but this dude….This dude tells me, “We need to wait until we know each other better.”

I want him.

I want him right now.

~sigh~

No one has ever made me wait before.

I…I…I think I’m in love.

I turn over and face the wall, not wanting to look at him any longer. Why does this feel like rejection? He can’t reject me for long.

I…will..have…him.

Yes, I will.

Me, You and Him

The next morning he wakes up earlier than usual, gets dressed and goes out into the living room. It’s only 5am. I don’t have to be to work until 8:30am and Dell lives less than 10 minutes away from my job, as opposed to my apartment in Smyrna which is about 25 minutes away from work.

“What’s going on?” I call out to him.

He walks back into the room. “I have to leave early,” he tells me. “I got a run to make.”

I sit up and stretch, preparing my mind to make the drive home. Then I think to myself, “Hell naw. I ain’t wasting gas to drive all the way up there when my job is right here and I brought clothes for work.”

“I ain’t going nowhere,” I tell him. “I’m not wasting my gas like that.” I get right back under the covers. He goes back into the living room and I go back to sleep.

He wakes me by calling out my name, or rather, the name he has called me since the first day we met. “Babe..Come lock the door,” he beckons.

I rub my eyes and stumble out of bed. He points toward the counter top where a shiny golden key has been placed.

“Is that for me?” I ask him.

He nods.

“What time do you want me to be here to let you in?”

“I don’t know Babe. Just be in place. Hold me down.”

“Can I get a hug before you go?”

He frowns. “You want what you want when you want it, don’t you?” he asks me but gives me the hug anyway.

I lock the door behind him after wishing him a good day and I smile as I run and jump back into his bed and back to my dreams.

At 7:47 I wake up, shower and am out the door quickly. As I turn the key in his lock I turn around and smile.

Wow. He gave me his housekey.

This is nice. It’s also a little confusing. He gave me his housekey but he has yet to kiss me or touch me. Maybe he’s just being nice and didn’t want to have to throw me out of his house because he was leaving early.

Stop being so negative. He gave it to you and that means a lot.

He obviously trusts me because if I was crooked I could have some people over to rob him blind, all of the plasma TV’s and all of his computers would be gone and sold in a flash.

He trusts me.

Wow.

After my work day I go home to grab more clothes and I head back to his place. Someone is walking into the building as I walk up so I follow them in and into the elevator. When I reach his apartment I walk in and smile. I decide to do another load of laundry for him and clean up his kitchen.

I use his computer and smoke a little of his stash.

I must have fallen asleep because when I opened my eyes the clock read 7:30 am.

I call his phone. He answers quickly.

“Hey…Where are you? I spent the night at your house last night, waiting for you. I thought you needed your key to get in.”

“Oh for real? Sorry Babe. I had to go to Lousiana yesterday and I’m on my way to Miami right now.”

“When will you be back?”

“In a couple of days.”

“Well, I don’t want you to come back and be locked out and I don’t want to have to jump out of my bed at any given time to meet you back here to let you in. Remember I live in another city.”

“Babe, don’t stress yourself about that. You’re alright. Just hold me down.”

“Ok. Be safe. I’ll call you later.” I go on to work and then go home to spend the night.

The next day I’m back at his place by 7pm. This time there’s no one to let me in so I have to call his cell from the call box so he can buzz me in. I’m sure he can recognize the number from his cell and he answers the phone laughing. “DAMN! You just moved in, haven’t you?”

I laugh nervously. “Um.. Are you upset?”

“No,” he assures me. “Enjoy yourself. But I may have to ask you to put in on the light bill.”

We both laugh and he buzzes me in.

Over the course of a week, he still hasn’t made it back in town and I’m enjoying all the comforts of his cozy apartment. We talk everyday while he’s away and when I go over to his place I text him to let him know I’m there.

By the following Monday, he tells me that he’ll be back in town on Tuesday so I go home to grab a heavier coat and head down to his place to make sure everything is clean and neat for him.

I call him from the call box and he sends my call to voice mail. I shake my head and call his cell from my cell. The call is sent to voicemail again. I scratch my head.

Is he doing this on purpose? Wait girl. You’re being paranoid. He said he doesn’t have a problem with you being there. He’s probably just busy.

Hmm..I text message Suezette, who lives in the same building.

Girl, I need to get in.
Call my code. she writes back.

She buzzes me in.

I take the elevator to the top floor and round two corners until I see 606 on the apartment door. I place my bag on the floor and unlock the door. Immediately a warm rush of air hits me.

Wait. I didn’t leave the heat on although it’s hella cold outside. I didn’t even use the heat last night.

I walk in and it dawns on me that someone has been here. The light to his office is on and across the way, there’s a light in his bedroom that has been turned on. There’s a faint weed aroma and a half finished bottle of Colt45 on the kitchen counter.

I walk into his office. No one is there.

I walk into his bedroom. Empty. I check the shower to see if he had been there. No signs at all.

I’m confused but excited that he’s back. Before I could even unzip my jacket, I hear noise at the front door. I peek outside of his bedroom and see that he is trying to get in with a key. I smile and allow myself a little happy jump!

He is so FINE! I can’t WAIT to see him! It’s been more than a week since he’s been gone. I’m gonna get a kiss whether he likes it or not. He may just get raped ’round this piece.

He’s still fiddling at the door and I realize that I locked the top lock and he won’t be able to get in. I compose myself and walk over to the door as he begins to knock.

“Who is it?” I ask cheerfully.

“It’s Edward. Dell’s friend.”

“Edward? Well, I don’t know you so…..”

“Wait. I was just in there 2 minutes ago. All of the stuff you see around, I put there. The beer bottle. The laptop on the table.”

Well damn…

I open the door and Edward walks in. He’s about 5’10” light skinned with a goatee. He’s slim but since he doesn’t have a haircut he looks scraggly. He smiles at me. I’m feeling nervous. You know I don’t like men. They make me so uncomfortable. He leans against the kitchen counter and looks at me with a smirk.

“I’m Ms. Tee,” I tell him and extend my hand for a handshake.

“I’m Edward,” he says and looks me up and down.

“Um…Did Dell tell you that I was going to be here?”

He shakes his head.

“Well, he certainly didn’t tell me about you.”

“Why don’t you call him?” he tells me. “See what he says.”

I pick up my phone and dial Dell. He sends my call to voicemail.

“He’s not picking up my call,” I tell Edward. I’m beginning to feel like I don’t belong here.

My phone rings and it’s Dell. I’m relieved. He’ll tell me if this guy is cool or not.

“Hi,” I answer cheerfully.

“Yeah.” he responds gruffly.

“How are you?” I ask nervously.

“I’m fine.” he replies harshly.

What’s wrong with him today?

“Um…I’m at your house and there’s a guy here…” I begin.

“What are you doing at my house?” he demands angrily.

I’m shocked. “I came to spend the night and go to work in the morning.”

He’s quiet.

He doesn’t know that I have him on speaker phone and his friend Edward can hear the entire conversation. Edward is standing near the kitchen counter with his arms crossed, staring at me.

When Dell pauses, Edward says, “I wonder why he’s so quiet now.”

“Dell, who is this guy? Why is he here? What do you want me to do?”

“That’s my business partner,” Dell begins in an angry tone. “And the fact that you have been staying there and you haven’t run into him yet means that he hasn’t been doing his JOB!”

I remove the speakerphone option and walk into Dell’s bathroom for some privacy. He’s obviously upset.

“So..What do you want me to do?”

“Look Tee…I think you’re doing too much. Way too much. I’m not ready for all of this.”

“I’m doing too much? So what does that mean? Do you want me to leave?”

“Yeah. I think you should leave right now.”

“FINE!” I scream. “I’m leaving then!”

“FINE! PEACE!” he screams back and hangs up.

This is the weirdest experience I have ever had. Edward calls Dell’s phone and I can hear him trying to explain himself. “I don’t know her schedule…I am here during the day. I do my work. I don’t know why I have never seen her man.”

I gather my bag, my coat and I look at Edward as he animatedly speaks on the phone with Dell.

This feels like some gay shit.

He’s telling me to leave while this punk gets to stay.

I know I’m paranoid about men on the DL but…this doesn’t feel right.

I walk out the door while Dell and Edward are still on the phone going at it.

I reach the elevator and remember that I left something important. I drop my bags and walk back to the apartment to find Edward still standing in the kitchen on the phone with Dell.

I walk in with my head high, march over to the refrigerator and jump up to grab the wooden bowl that I know is on top.

I’m taking all this nicca weed!

I place my sack in my pocket and roll out meanwhile Edward is giving Dell the play by play.

“She walked back in! She’s going over to the frig! She’s grabbing something! She’s walking out! She’s closing the door!”

My phone rings and it’s Ruby.

“Girl, Wait until I get back to my car. You won’t believe the drama I just went through.”

An Unexpected Caller

One week later

I didn’t expect my phone to ring at 12:50 am. The shrill ringing woke me up from a weed induced slumber and I squinted at the numbers on the small screen of my cell. An Atlanta number? I don’t know who this is.

I answered anyway out of curiosity.

There was static in the background. Loud static. “Hello,” I repeated 3 times and was about to hang up.

“Yeah,” a male voice piped in. “What’s up?”

“Who is this?” I ask annoyed.

There’s a slight pause and then I hear the words I had been dreading but at the same time looking forward to hearing. “It’s D.”

D meaning DAT DAMN NIGGA who drives me crazy because he is so fine and so handsome and so hard working that I find him irresistible. But most of you know him as Dell.

“Oh,” I replied calmly and yawned. “This number isn’t saved in my phone.”

“That’s okay.” He says and continues. “Yeah. I’m almost back in town. I’m about an hour away from 285. Where are you?”

“I’m at my house.”

“OK, I’ll call you back when I hit 285. Is that okay?”

“That’s fine.”

I hang up and then sit up.

Ok, me and this man are constantly bumping heads because he confuses me by saying he doesn’t want anything with me but I know he enjoys my company. I KNOW he wants me near him. If he’s coming to pick up his house key, which I told him to do, then it will be nothing. We never have to speak again. But he didn’t mention his house key. I don’t know.

Almost 45 minutes later I get a call from him.

“Where are you?” he asks and I’m a bit surprised he asked that because I just TOLD him I was at my house. “You at the house?”

I could assume he was referring to his house because that’s what he calls his house when I go over there but I think he’s simply being ambiguous.

“I’m at MY house,” I reply.

“Well, I’m on 285 and 75. What should I do?”

Huh? This man runs a tow truck company based out of Atlanta . He knows the city very well. In fact, he has a big map on his office wall that details where everything is. Why would he ask me for directions? I can feel that he wants me to meet him at his house but I’m not sure if I want to be there unless he expressly asks me to come. But… for as long as I’ve known him, he doesn’t do that. He beats around the bush a lot and puts the pressure on ME to express my desire to be with him so everything looks so one sided.

“OK, Ok. I’ll call you when I get to S. Cobb Drive.”

“ok.”

I pull on my GATOR sweatshirt and some sweat pants and I hop into my car as he calls to tell me he’s at the front gate. I drive to the front and I see his tow truck parked with the lights on.

I pull over and park too. Then I spend at least 30 seconds sitting frozen in my seat.

The last time we spoke I asked him, “Do you want me to leave?” and he said, “Yes, I think you should.” So I left and never contacted him again except to text him and let him know that I was stopping by his apartment to remove the rest of my stuff. I also told him that when he got back in town, he could pick up his key. He never replied. I never did either. I don’t want to assume anything. I want him to figure out what he wants and to stop sending mixed messages.

I tried my best to forget about his skinny self. I tried to convince myself that he’s gay and he is NOT the one. It worked too. Until I saw him standing in front of me.

He didn’t smile. He didn’t blink.

At 3am he and I stood face to face in the cold, each wondering what the other was thinking. Each too afraid to reveal the truth. Too afraid to say what we really mean.

“Hi,” I mumbled weakly and looked at the ground as I held up his key and he extended his hand to take it from me. “I’m glad you made it back safely.”

“You too,” he said and looked at me.
I looked away again.

“Ok, goodnight,” I said and turned toward my car, shaking my head in disappointment. He sure doesn’t look gay. He is so damn fine.

Maybe I’m just attracted to him physically. I don’t know. I watch as his truck pulls away and I turn the key in my ignition. No engine. I try again 3 more times before I smile and dial his number.

“Hello?” he answers.

“My car won’t start.”

“What do you mean?”

“I can’t get it to crank up. I don’t know what’s wrong?”

“Ok, I’m coming back.”

I sit pretty in my car wondering if he’s really coming back or not. I try my ignition again and it’s a no-go. Thank God its still not working because I wouldn’t want him to think I made a ploy to get him to talk to me.

He does arrive in less than 5 minutes and he’s very business-like.

“Start your car. Exit the vehicle. Does your car have an alarm?”

He takes my place in the drivers seat and turns the ignition. It purrs perfectly.

I look down at the ground.

“What did you do?” I ask him.

“It was your alarm. You should be fine now.”

“OK,” I say and sit down in my seat. “hanks again.”

He stands there watching me and I look at him with a confused expression.

“I’m just making sure you can pull out okay,” he says and taps the hood of my car when he sees that I’m about to back into his truck.

Oops.

I reverse properly and I head back to my apartment, watching as the flashing lights from his beautiful red truck fade into the distance.

I’m probably never gonna see him again since I promised myself I wouldn’t call him anymore. Sometimes I tell myself that he NEEDS me to call him. He NEEDS me to show him so he will be secure. Maybe it’s just me settling for a man who does not give me any return affection. But…He gives me his time and his attention.

But I really want affection.

And friendship.

A partnership. Just like I have with my friends.

I like him…A lot. Not only is he extremely georgeous, he has great habits. He has a habit of saving money. He reads inspirational books just like I do. He’s so smart and has a great personality. The way he is..his countenance…is so…manly.

He stands with his chin up. That’s confidence.

“I don’t know if I should call,” I think to myself as I stare at his phone number on my cell phone window. “I sure did miss him though.”

I wish I could have told him that last night.

I hate these games we play.

Time To Wake The Hell Up

So I’m sitting in my car for over an hour waiting for the police officer to come and give me a ticket after my early morning car accident. He does. I dont sweat it. I had been updating Dell on the status of the accident the entire time in between him taking business calls.

I text Dell and tell him that I am coming over so he can look at my car. No, I didn’t call first. He doesnt text me back so I call him when I am downstairs and he doesn’t answer. I call him again and he answers and I say, “I’m downstairs.”

He’s like, “So you think you can just come by my house without calling?”

I’m quiet.

He says, “I’ll be right down, man.”

He takes his poor sweet time coming downstairs and when he gets there he looks at my car and plays around with it a little bit, telling me I just need some new paint and a new mirror and I will be fine. I can tell he’s mad.

I’m standing there with my arms folded and he has his cell phone in his ear and he’s looking at me.

“What do you want from me, man? he asks and leans against my car taking a puff of his black and mild.

“I want you to be a friend to me. I want you to treat me like my friends treat me.”

“I don’t know you like your friends know you. You text me telling me you’re coming over and when I call you back you don’t answer.”

“I couldn’t answer, the police were there. You didnt leave a message.”

“So you just come over? I’m WORKING. Yes, I am sitting at home but I’m still working. I had to transfer 4 phone lines to my cell phone so that I can come down here and take care of you. I’m being responsive. I’m here aren’t I? I’m gonna take care of all of this. Youre just trying to make me behave like you want me to behave when I TOLD you I wasn’t going to do that.”

“I’m not desperate you know! I can’t believe myself, I feel almost like I’m running behind you. At first I told myself he’s worth it, but now Im not so sure. I just want you to treat me like I treat you. I want you to be a friend.”

“No you don’t. You want more. Look at you man. You about to cry. Why it gotta be like that? It’s not about whether I’m worth it. It’s about my position and I TOLD you that I am not gonna be that with you.”

He just stands there looking at me. A car pulls up. I dont pay it any attention at first. The driver gets out, looks at us and begins to pull fast food out of the car. Food for two.

Dell looks at him and says, “Man you got a screw driver?”

The guy responds and Dell goes over to him to get it.

The guy looks at me and says, “We know each other.”

My nose is wrinkled at him.

I can see the guy begin to walk away from his car and I stare at him with my eyebrow raised as if he’s the other woman. He walks by and smiles with his fast food and dissappears upstairs. I can just FEEL that he’s going to Dell’s house.

“Is that the guy from the other night?” I ask him, referring to the guy I caught in his apartment.

“Yeah,” he says and fiddles with my car.

“Are you about to spend the day with him?”

“What the FUCK you mean by that?!” he asks harshly.

“Ughhh.. i said ARE YOU ABOUT TO SPEND THE DAY WITH HIM?”

“Oh, I thought you said ‘do I have to spend the day with him’. He works for me. I send him out on jobs. I’m sorry about that,” he says, calming down.

My heart is breaking at this point.

We both stand there looking at the ground.

“I’m not going to be what you want me to be. I can’t give what you want me to give.” he says.

“I just want you to care about me.”

“I do. I just…don’t owe you anything.”

“Well… it’s my fault. You have consistently told me that you don’t want anything more and can’t give more and I’m still sticking around hoping for it anyway.”

We stand still for a few more minutes and then I hand him his clipboard from the roof of my car.

“Thank you for your help. I appreciate it,” i say glumly as I sit behind the wheel. He just walks away.

I drive away, still shaky from my early morning car accident. And I realize that once again, I’ve attached myself to a man who has no intentions on showing me the same car anf affection that I choose to show him. I am not under the belief that it takes months and years to love someone. I believe love is a choice just like all other choices in life. I don’t feel that love is emotional. It’s a decision. I decided that I would treat him with the same care and understanding in which I treat my friends.

I am such a fool. I basically begged him to be with me. I threw myself at this man.. ~laughs~ I am such a trip. Such a trip. So lonely acting. So desperate for love. So desperate to give away my love.

Always begging to be loved and always being pushed away.

I’m not that sad. I’m used to it by now.

But…it would be nice to be touched. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so invisible like I do these days. I feel like I’m a walking time bomb that no one wants to go near.

Even if Dell did turn out to be gay, it wouldn’t change how much I admire him and respect his style. His honesty turns me on.

But I don’t turn him on.

And there’s nothing I can do about that.

I think it’s time to evaluate myself again. Although he possessed so many admirable qualities, he wasn’t giving me the one thing I needed: affection. Was I willing to sacrifice something so important just to be near him? Yes, I’m afraid I was. But it was torture because I need to be rubbed and touched and told that I’m pretty and wonderful.

Why am I considering settling?

Because I don’t really believe that a man will ever give me that so I better take what I can get, even if it hurts sometimes. All love hurts. Well, the love between a man and a woman. It never feels good. It always feels like I’m trying more than they are and I care more than they do.

It has nothing to do with looks.

I read a quote the other day that spoke to my heart after Ruby sent me the audio file to the song ‘Aint Really Love’ by Mary J. Blige.

The quote read: Never make someone your priority, when it is clear you are only their option.

I’ll leave Dell alone now. I need to reshift my focus. Life isn’t all about having someone to hold you. That’s not guaranteed. What is guaranteed is the fact that if I try hard enough, I will be able to use my gift to secure the financial futures of my sons.

Time to shift gears and ask God to kill that stupid desire to have a partner.

Let’s get it!

Get My Head Right

Me at work yesterday

It hurt me to read your comments yesterday especially the ones who mentioned that they think Dell is gay. I know that I have a paranoia concerning men, especially men in ATL so that is why I may have painted the picture in that way. You can only see things through my eyes because my eyes are always expecting to find some DL behaviour. I would hate for my story to damage his reputation because I believe he is a good person, he was just uninterested in me. I don’t really think he’s gay. I just think he was not interested in me. Placing him in the category of homosexual allows me to ease my mind as to why yet another man was not receptive to my being.

Regardless, it’s not about him being gay or not, it’s about me knowing what I want and not settling for less. In this case, I settled. In many cases I settle but in this case I settled big time because affection is very important to me and he expressed that he could not and would not give that to me because he doesn’t like it. I still pushed for it though, forcing him to be responsive or seem rude. I see why he called me manipulative. I didn’t think I was, but I was.

Dell did a few nice things for me. He would compromise by turning off the football when I was there and he remembered what kind of wings I liked when he ordered my favorite treat, hot wings and blue cheese. He also smoked me out whenever I wanted and he completely fulfilled his obligation to Ruby by taking me out and showing me a good time.

I’m not a bounce around the city type of chick. I don’t like to socialize, be out and be all up in stranger’s faces. For me, a perfect night is a funny movie like Friday After Next, a blunt and some cuddle time with a fine man. I’m not a clubber so I don’t accept invitations to hang out in that capacity. I like to drink but I don’t drink and drive, so meeting up for cocktails is out of the question.

My friends used to ask me the same questions some of you ask like, “Why don’t you ever go OUT with these guys?” Cuz…I don’t want to. I don’t like to be out. When I meet a man I like to see how he lives and how he chills in the house because that’s what I like to do most. Some people want to be wined and dined, I want to be fed and rubbed. It’s my personal preference. If I met a man who was always going in and out of different events and parties and he expected me to go with him, we wouldn’t work because I would want to stay at home and wait for him to get back. I’m not into the fake social scene. I’d prefer a smaller group or one on one, of people I know don’t mind sharing their true selves with me instead of politicking to gain something.

I’m not even going to sugarcoat it, I still have some form of feelings for Dell. Actualy, my feelings have not changed a bit. Even if Dell was bi, gay or even if he had HIV, I would still want to be with him, to take care of him and show him love, whether he showed it back or not. Crazy right? Yeah I know. But I already told you that I decided that I would be a friend to him and the kind of friend I am, loves unconditionally, understands that every action is fueled by an underlying situation or emotion. I always forgive.

Maybe that’s my downfall. Maybe I should forgive less and demand more but frankly, I can only be me. Being me means loving the people around me, anticipating their needs and trying to meet them and placing everyone on a pedestal because I think everyone needs to be admired at some point in their lives. I want to be that person that tells you how wonderful you are. I want to stand you in front of a mirror and point out your valuable qualities.

That’s how my friends treat me.

That’s how I treat them.

And that’s what kind of friend I wanted to be with Dell, but he didn’t want that. ~shrugs~ My type of friendship isn’t meant for everyone so I did what I had to do; I deleted his number from my phone for the last time.

Leave it alone. Wish him well. Have other things to do with my life besides force him to accept my love.

It’s time to focus on me. I need to get my head right.

The Rest Of The Questions

You’ll never guess who has been occupying most of my free time. I can’t believe it either.

I’ve been hanging out with….don’t beat me up ya’ll. I’ve been hanging out with…~blushing~ a college boy. A young tenderoni from Morehouse that I will call BEEF. Beef will be a lady killer when he grows up but for now he’s doing a good job playing the role of my sometimes boy toy. LOL! Just playin…he got on my nerves very early by saying, “You can stand to lose a few pounds.”

I know! Dude is definitely young. Grown men and men with MANNERS know not to say anything like that to a woman, even if it’s true. And it’s certainly not true in my case, I love being on the thick side. He’s dumb. Had to leave him alone quickly. Gotta love these ATL men, huh?

Where is my side job taking me this Saturday?
You gotta love my side job. I work for a tour company doing PR on the side. They need me full time and I’m working on making that possible but for now I have to squeeze their work in when I’m not at the magazine. That weekend we went down to Alabama for half of the Civil Rights Tour. You guys, this tour is AMAZING! Imagine going down to Montgomery and seeing the very house that was bombed when Dr. King’s wife and daughter were first born.

Then imagine standing behind the pulpit where Dr. King gave one of his first speeches. I learned so much that day I couldn’t even charge my boss for the time because I sincerely felt that it was a gift to me. We visited Tuskegee University where I learned that George Washington Carver carved out the ideals of Blacks using physical labor to grow economically,versus Booker T. Washington’s emphasis on education. Correct me if I’m wrong because I was always bad at history. But this didn’t feel like a history class. This all day tour made Black History come alive and I can’t WAIT to begin actually pitching the information about this growing company. My goal is to have a feature story in as many publications as possible just in time for Black History Month. I have a lot of work cut out for me so I can’t waste any time! Yeah!

Which two of my friends have set wedding dates for 2007?
I think I already answered this question but damn…It’s hitting me that BOTH of my highschool bestfriends are getting married in 2007. Anna has set a wedding date for June 20 and Tamara’s wedding date is December 31st; a New Years Eve wedding. Now we just have to make sure that Tamara doesn’t chicken out. It’s a damn time with that girl!

My current lease ends on December 1st. Where will I be living next week?

When my lease ended, I really didn’t have anywhere else to stay. I didn’t look too hard for an apartment because…well…I’m lazy. I decided to stay in the apartment where I was so I only applied there and it took forever to get all of my paperwork in. Everytime I went to give them the deposit, something went wrong. They closed early, the money order machine was out of order, they changes policies on how they accepted money.

It was as though God didn’t want me to be in that apartment. I really felt as though I wasn’t supposed to live there but I couldn’t just sit and wait on God. Well, I could have but…not with Tamara as a friend. She was like, “DO SOMETHING!” So I did. After the apartment gave me a deposit requirement I couldn’t afford I turned to Craig’s List to find a place to stay and boy was I blessed!

I am experiencing an adventure I never though I would. I am now living with a total stranger in a beautiful condo in the Vinings area. That’s inside the perimeter of Atlanta. My roommate is a white girl who actually graduated from the illustrious UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA ~How bout dem GATORS?!!~ It’s my 2nd night in the apartment and we haven’t had any fights yet. In fact I make sure I’m in the room when she gets home and I don’t come out until she goes to bed.

I have no furniture and I’m sleeping on the floor and it feels like a camp out. LOL! This is so adventurous to me! Last night was my first night here and one of my co workers came over to help me unpack and he smoked me out on the patio and we talked for hours. After he left I went into my room and closed my door. I just stood there shocked. What the hell am I doing in some strange chick’s house? And she’s a white girl. Who’d have thought…

Wow. We’ll see how that goes though…

What happened between my editor and I that has made a dramatic improvement in our work relationship?

Well…from jump that chick has been unsupportive, overly critical and sometimes even childish in her interactions with the other people at work. When I first met her I was not impressed and you may have noticed that I never wrote about her because I didn’t have anything nice to say about that bitch. When I look at her I feel sad. Just sad.

So when she tried to get loud with me one day I had to call a meeting with the CEO. During that meeting I told her that her behavior was unacceptable and unprofessional and that I am not a child to be yelled at. I told her that she was not creating an environment in which a driven young professional could thrive. She insisted that I was not a good fit for my position and she thinks I should be demoted to a staff writer but I know for a fact that her opinion was out of her own personal insecurities because I enjoy working hard and long. Nothing ever goes smoothly but I never leave things unfinished and I always make sure that my staff knows I’m keeping an eye on what they are doing even when I’m not there. I take OWNERSHIP of my responsibilities but she makes it seem as if every inconsistency in the magazine, missing photos or stories that run late are my attempt to sabotage the damn magazine.

Everyone at the magazine, including the leaders have expressed how much things are running more smoothly since I got there. One by one they pull me to the side to give me advice or tell me I’m doing great. She’s the only one with the problem.

Imagine how sad a person has to be to sit and criticize someone all day. Anyway, after our conversation, she flipped. She never said anything negative to me at all again. In fact, if she had a correction to make, she would simply write it down with a happy face.

I was surprised when she called me into a meeting and told me that she was bringing someone else in to “help” me with my position. She hired someone else to do what I do. All of my friends were like, “THAT BITCH trying to fire you!” But I had peace. I have peace. She can’t take anything that God has for me.

MY LAST QUESTION about me waking up in a strange bedroom and not knowing how I got there- well, that will have to wait because I have work to do.

Let me let you in on a little secret. Between last weekend and today my life has completely changed 100% in every way possible. I’ll let you in on the details soon, but you will most certainly be shocked and amazed by what you are about to read. Those who have joined my email group will get the juice FIRST so check your inboxes!

Stay tuned…

Mommy’s Wish

My Mama called my phone today to check up on me.

I told her that I was fine and working on some projects.

“Oh, a friend of yours died today,” she said casually.

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“I spoke to your Baby Daddy today and I asked him how he was doing and he said he was a little down because he found out his good friend died in a car accident this morning.”

“Who was it?” I ask nervously.

“A girl you went to school with. A Cuban girl named Lissette.”

“No. Not Lissette.”

“Yeah. He said ya’ll were in the same college and you knew her.”

“She was a twin, Mama. She had a 5 year old son, Mama.”

“Yeah. He said all of that too. The little boy was in the car with her and she had a head on collision this morning. He survived, but she didn’t.”

“Not Lissette.”

“Well, Ima let you call your Baby Daddy and talk to him.”

I hung up the phone and called him, still in shock. Usually when he sees my number, he just gives the phone to one of my boys but this time he answered and I told him what my Mama said.

“Yeah,” he confirmed. “It’s Lissette.” He was very close friends with both she and her twin sister. I only know her because of him but I grew to like her as I got to know her better.

“Check the website: www.nbc.net The story is there. Earl called me and told me that he was watching the news and he saw it.”

After I told him that I was sorry we hung up and I went to visit the site. Her picture stared back at me. Her smiling face just as bright as she always was. You see things like this all the time. I remember watching the news with Dude when I was in Miami and him saying, “The news answers one question, ‘Who died today and in what crazy way?'”

I laughed because he was right.

But today the news report didn’t bring a tragedy that made me shake my head and turn the channel. This tragedy hit home.

Here was a young professional just like I was. She was a journalism teacher too. In fact, when I was invited to speak at that Journalism conference a couple of years ago, she was the one who set that up.

Her death, coupled with the shocking news of the death of Bebe Moore Campbell has forced me to confront the reality of my own mortality. Last week I was in a car accident myself. Everyday I go flying down 285 doing 80 easily on sharp turns, feeling like I’m invincible.

But I’m not.

What if something happens to me? What if I don’t die and I get paralyzed or something like that? Who will they ship me off to? I have no one to take care of me. I have no partner who will love me regardless and nurse me back to health, mentally and physically. I am not a part of anyone’s household.

If I died today, no one will miss me being by their side. I feel like a leaf floating in the wind, hoping for a chance to be a part of something and maybe come to life again.

I’ve never been afraid of death. Death is guaranteed peace. I guess I just want my life to mean something to someone. I don’t want to have cried, laughed and worked for so many years and then I’m gone and my presence had no affect on this earth.

I prayed and asked God for more time with good health. Please give me more time to fulfill my dreams so that my boys will know that Mommy wasn’t all talk when she took them to the bookstore and told them that one day Mommy’s name and picture will be on books on those same shelves. Mommy wasn’t lieing when she said they will turn on the TV and see Mommy’s smiling face one day. Mommy wasn’t dreaming when she said that one day she would buy a big house and we would have people to come clean and cook for us. Mommy claimed it all.

But Mommy doesn’t have any of that yet.

God, please help me to show my sons that dreams come true. Allow me to live long enough for them to run into my arms and hug me tightly, coming home to Mommy, happy and proud that Mommy worked hard and did what she said she was going to do.

May God give strength to Lissette’s husband Ed, her son Kaleb, her twin sister Yvette and the countless other friends and students who were blessed by her smile, her giving nature and her fire for life.

I Love My Friends!

Ahhh…

There’s nothing like a nice big glass of Merlot to relax your mind. I promise you this week has been the most fucking crazy ass week of my damn life. I mean, think about it. Life changes so quickly for people and you have no control over what happens.

I thought about Lissette all day. I looked at her picture over and over and what I remember most about her was that she was always so neat and clean. I’m a fucking mess! I would love to go to her house because that shit was always nicely decorated. She was one of those model wives type chicks who drove a nice car, had the quintessential big black husband and had great friends who were all doing great in their careers. And she was doing well too. That chick was a part of my life. She was there when my first son was born. She watched as he came into the world. She would send us presents in the mail and send email updates to let us know how her son was doing you know.

Most of all I loved her because my Baby Daddy loved her and I loved her for being such a good friend to him.

So now she’s gone. Like, I’ll never get another email from her. I’ll never get another update from her. I’ll never be able to shoot her an email and say, “Girl I’m doing well!”

I don’t know I’m rambling but I thank you for your attention as the burgundy liquid takes over my mnd.

You know what else I’ve been feeling? Peace.

It’s like I don’t have that hurt feeling in my body anymore. That tense feeling that made me cry and feel like I was so alone.

Yeah. I think about having someone come over and touch me. But when the thought comes, it doesn’t overwhelm me. I just shrug it off and continue to work on my proposals and ideas to achieve what I need to achieve in life.

It’s funny how the absence of concrete goals allows for disatisfaction to take over. An idle mind is a terrible thing. Now that Im so gung ho about starting my own business well…It’s all I dream about. It’s all I think about. It’s all I live and I will achieve.

My roommate is silly. I think I need to be exposed to her. She’s this down ass white girl who makes tons of money as a salesperson and is just..cool as hell. She loves to party and has this bestfriend who is a guy and he’ll probably end up becoming her husband. She’s nothing like me. I worry a lot and plan a lot and think a lot about my future and how I HAVE to make it or I’ll die. She parties and goes on trips and laughs with her friends and pays for cooking classes and juggles men like it’s no big deal. I like that about her.

The only reason I know all of this is because the internet connection in my room is not ready so she has offered me full use of her laptop which means I’m in the living room when she gets home and she sits down and talks to me about her friends.

Yeah.

I’m so used to living alone dude.

This is one fucking crazy ass life I’m living. How the hell did I go from being at home with my sons all the time addicted to the internet to living out my dreams in a strange city as a single woman? WHo’d have ever thought that would happen?

The best part is…hold up…lemme refill my glass..I’m not driving or going anywhere so I can get fucked up if I want to…who is gonna know?

I’m back. So.. Did I mention that I don’t get horny anymore? I don’t know what’s up with that? Maybe its cuz I live with a stranger and though I masterbate silently, it’s kinda weird knowing someone is in the house with me and I can’t get comfy doing it.

I’m watching Mean Girls on TBS. Didn’t you just ADORE teen movies when you were growing up? Oh my gosh! Teen movies lie, totally shaped who I am. Heathers. Can’t Buy Me Love. The Breakfast Club. All those movies with Corey Haime and Corey Feldman. There was this one movie that I’ll nevr forget. Wait… I forgot it. LOL! Hollup. Ohhhh!!! It was called Something Special. Did anyone ever see that? It was about a girl who woke up one day with a penis. LOL!

Then she made friends with this guy who ended up falling in love with her/him and being upset because he thought he was gay. I don’t know why that fascinated me but it did.

Hey… LOL! Remember those late night Cinemax movies? LOL! Thats what introduced me to sex. That’s why, to this day I don’t get turned on by real porn. All those slippery wet body parts make me gag. But when I flip it to Cinemax and the soft corn porn is on… you know with the dumb plot and the fake breasted blondes…man… I like that.

I like watching people have sex. I like it better than engaging in the actual act. Is that wrong?

Today I was texting this dude I met and we were talking about sex ofcourse cuz I’m sexual dammit and I can’t WAIT to meet a dude who loves sex like I do. I miss Dude.

I miss the way he would always come over and hunch me. Whether I was tired or not. Everyday he would call and come over and we would do it over and over and over… LOL!

Sometimes my kids would be playing in their room and he would try me. It was exciting during that time. He has a big one. And he knew how to use it. LOL!

Am I saying too much?

There’s this show called My Boys on TBS an it is THE BOMB! The main character is this chick who’s kinda boyish. I identify with her because I’m on he boyish side too. Maybe I’m not but I feel like a man on the inside sometimes. And sometimes…I want to have secks with my Baby Daddy again.

I don’t know why. I just want to feel him and I want him to melt inside of me. His girlfriend could watch. I don’t care. Am I saying too much tonight?

Oh no. I hope not.

I think about Dell sometimes. I shake that shit off quickly though cuz that bitch ain’t thinking about me. His fine ass. I bet he woulda like it if I woulda just took control and took aht dick.

He was trippin… For real…Damn…I wanna be submissive and shit but…these dudes want to be with a bitch. I can be that but I’d rather not. I’d rather cater to your every whim and be your love slave. LOL!

I’m crazy-deranged. Remember when MARTIN was the best show on TV? They don’t have shows on TV like that anymore. Remember Married With Children? And the best show EVER- In Living Color?

Man…The Wayans family should be honored. Oh I gotta go. I got a phone call.

I love everyone and all the advice and encouraging words you give. Thank you. You are so wonderful for accepting me as I am and celebrating with me and believeing with me. Cuz sometimes I get so down and I go through all my old emails from the readers who said that I encouraged them and that encourages me.

THANK YOU!

I love you.

You inspire ME!

THANK YOU!

I need you! I love you!

Ms. Tee

This is Why I Don’t Watch TV

THE REAL WORLD DENVER

What the hell is this crap they are showing on TV?

Besides the fact that The Real World gives major competition to the folks who produce the girls gone wild video this season’s Real World makes me want to throw up, run, hide and fight all at the same time.

Forget the fact that there are the usual stereotypes in the house. Who cares? MTV knows what kind of people to cast. The only episode I’ve seen made me want to curse. In fact, I did curse and scream at the TV while I watched this Black guy Tyri act an ass confronting the white guy Davis about not standing up for the other Black guy when some club bouncer called him a nigger.

Ok, first of all, other Black guy, if someone calls you a nigger, why do you expect a white boy to take up for you? LOL! Oh my gosh! Are we in elementary school? Dude, you are roommates with this guy, not bestfriends! Why the hell do you expect him to fight for you? Take care of your damn self!

So I’m watching this show with my roommate (she turned it on, not me) and it’s kind of hard to watch and NOT make my usual comments so I decide that I won’t mask my true feelings for her, but ofcourse I won’t be disrespectful. (Lord, please get my internet connected fixed because I would stay in my room the entire time and would never have to interact at all if I had a connection…~sigh~)

So after the other Black guy leaves the club where the bouncer called him a nigger he goes home and tells Tyri that the white guy Davis didn’t stand up for him. Tyri gets all upset and starts jumping around like a gorilla banging on his chest and shit. He goes up to the white guy Davis and demands that he get out of the hot tub so he can talk to him. Davis is in there chillin with some chicks looking like, “What the hell?”

Davis is obviously scared so he complies with Tyri’s demands. He steps out of the tub and Tyri proceeds to scream at him about not standing up for the other guy. I’m like, WTF?

Tyri is like 280 pounds and built like a big linebacker or something and Davis is this skinny white boy who looks like he never got into a fight in his life. I just wanna PUNCH Tyri in the face for acting the way he was. Dude was punching walls- stomping around and shit like a 3 year old throwing a temper tantrum. He even had his hand in Davis’s face.

Davis looked like he was about to cry. Davis stood there, waiting for Tyri to hit him because he knew that Tyri would be kicked out of the house. He even tried taunting Tyri a little bit and eventually got on the phone with someone and screamed, “I’m leaving the house because this nigger is trying to kill me…” or something like that.

I gasped!

My roommate looked at me sideways. “What happened?” she asked me.

“That white boy just called him a NIGGER!” I said looking her straight in the eye.

She looked away and returned to her telephone conversation….

~raises eyebrow~

And get this… at the END of the show, why is big Black Tyri actually seen WALKING UP TO DAVIS and sitting down with him and telling him that he thinks he should stay in the house and they can work it out.

Work it out?!!!

LMAO!

He just called you a NIGGER!

Un-Fucking-believable!!!!

But come on…be for real…if I were Davis I would have probably said the same damn thing! Imagine how many times we’re driving and a white person cuts us off or whatever and we think to ourselves, “Cracka Ass Cracka!” You KNOW you do it!!! We’re all so caught up on skin color and labels that it’s a shame. I’m no different.

I have racist tendencies too.

We all do.

It’s our way of making ourselves feel better about the differences in our cultures. People who put others down, are only trying to make themselves feel better. And with white people (and Black people) I believe racist attitudes are taught from childhood.

When I told my sons that we were going to move to Georgia my 6 year old asked me, “But Mama, don’t they hate Black people there?” He learned this because during Black History Month he saw a video about Civil Rights and learned how Dr. King used to live in Atlanta and how he struggled to help Blacks gain the same rights that whites had.

I had to explain to him about the struggle for equality and I couldn’t help but wonder how tis conversation would shape his personality. Would he grow up like me believing that whites and Blacks can’t truly be friends?

We’re taught that we weren’t valued. We’re taught that we have to fight for equality. By doing all of this “Black History” learning we are actually teaching our children that they have no value and that white people hate us.

We need a new curriculum for instilling pride into our children.

Somehow, some way it’s gotta be done.