Month: June 2006

Same Drama, Different Name

How do you “get over” someone you weren’t really “with”?

I mean, there were no labels, no declarations of love. But…you did spend more time with them than you spent with any of your other friends. You shared your body, your time and your heart with them in ways that the average person on the street doesn’t get to experience.

Still, when it’s time for things to end, when feelings get hurt or begin to run too deep, there’s a period of silence as you attempt to remember what life was like before that person came along.

I remember I was content to write every night and chat on the phone with my friends. To me that was a very full social life considering I didn’t get to bed until midnight on most evenings.

Then he came along.

My midnight bedtime turned into 3am.

I knew that five minutes into each phone call I would hear, “Hey, I’m comin thru. I’ll bring a movie.”

“I missed you.” “I missed you too.” became music to my ears.

He spent more time with me than at his own house.

His strong hands on my back, kneading and caressing became the necessary balm to an anxiety filled day.

Now I sit stiffly on a couch worn out by his presence. Watching movies alone isn’t as much fun. My phone doesn’t ring nightly anymore and my bed seems awfully big. There’s a collection of his clothes and condoms in a bag near my bed. I wore his shorts to bed yesterday just because…

Yeah, I know it was for the best. And I tried to do that whole, “I’ll use him until I meet someone new” thing but as loose as I am, I couldn’t do it.

At what age do you become too old old for booty calls?

I think it’s right around the time that you realize that secks isn’t enough to satisfy the soul.

We hope it is. We pretend that if we squint our eyes just right and showcase those skills we learned while excercising those kegel muscles, somehow a bell will ring and doves will fly out of the closet as a single tear escapes one eye. Ahh….love.

Nah dawg. Doesn’t happen like that.

It doesn’t happen like that.

But the ache in my heart is only temporary. See, I’ve been through all of this before. Dating prepares you for heart break. Dating around prepares you to sample the goods, make a quick judgement and walk away.

So you get used to the uneasiness of saying goodbye. You get used to feeling like you’re not good enough or someone else isnt good enough. You even go so far as to lump an entire gender into several classifications.

You erase their number from your phone, or even better, you change the name to DNA (Do Not Answer). In my case, I changed his name to DONE.

All for the better though. I sincerely hope he finds what he really deserves.

As for me, the pain of his absence is far easier to deal with than the pain of his presence and unrequited affection.

No more feelings of being “sprung”, just a bunch of memories and a weird sense of pride that, it didn’t hurt too badly this time.

I’ll be alright.

Men are like buses, every fifteen minutes another one comes along.

I wonder who I’ll be writing about next week. ~smile~

Oh No, Not Again

Regardless of what Cube may think…

Today is NOT a good day. 🙁

Summer Break With
My Lil Homies

This week has been simply marvelous.

My boys are out of school for the summer break and there’s really no reason to send them to camp so they’ve been home with me for the 2 week break. ~smile~

Now I see why some women enjoy being stay at home mom’s- We’re having so much fun!

If only I could figure out a way to make this last plus be able to afford a housekeeper life would be just grand. But what can you do during hard times? All you can do is make the best of it and we have!

I was chillin with my boys last night, talking and giggling about nothing in particular when I asked my 3 year old, “What is your favorite thing to do in school?”

He raised his head from my chest and sat up straight as we all were nestled in his bed. “My favorite thing to do in school is EAT ALL THE FOOD!”

I laughed and asked my 5 year old the same question. He sat up and replied, “Respect.”

Huh?

“I know that if I do all of my work I will get a good education.”

I laughed but he continued. “And I love it when I look at the paper and it says I made the honor roll. That makes me so happy!”

I laughed again. This boy knows he can make me laugh.

My boys are so different! I don’t understand it. While my youngest loves going outside to play my oldest would rather sit with me and talk. My youngest has told me, “I don’t ever want to go back to school, forever and ever.”

My 5 year old shook his head at that statement and said, “But you have to learn.”

My 3 year old responded matter of factly, “I already know my ABC’s Mama. I’m smart already.”

I just laughed. They make my day.

This parenting thing is a trip. I try to avoid the mistakes my parents made with me but also continue to be a good example. While my Mama wasn’t the most affectionate woman in the world, she was always very good hearted and honest.

Sometimes I see women who are shady and I chalk it up to watching their Mama lie and scheme and gossip about people. I have even met a woman and her mama and they BOTH acted very shady towards me although I had just met them. (I don’t even know these biotches!) I was hurt at first but I figured that both mother and daughter had a bad case of Hateritis and we all know Haters are insecure.

Even when we don’t verbally TRAIN our children to develop certain characteristics, they develop them anyway by watching us interact with others.

Sometimes I recognize how I dismiss my sons when I’m doing something else and I hate that. I try to devote my attention to them when they are awake but it’s not always possible. Sometimes I go so far as to turn off my phone until they go to bed because I hate to shoo them away when all they want is a little (A LOT) of attention.

Hmm…It seems like everyone feels like their Mother messed them up. I try to be concious of that but I’m only human and I really don’t know what I’m doing. I’m just trying to raise considerate sons who will NOT turn out like the men I love to hate.

I’m praying and crossing my fingers on that one.

At least…at least let me get them to stop peeing on the toilet seat. I think that’ll be a success story all in it’s own.

Black Thought

While going through my little library of books, I found one that I have never read called Soul on Ice by Eldridge Cleaver. It must belong to my children’s father, or to one of his friends because I remember them discussing it at length when I was in school but I never had the desire to join in.

Now I know I need to get up on this. It’s time to expand my mind and delve into the various perspectives of other Black intellectuals of the past and present. Sometimes I think I was afraid to tackle political and social issues because maybe I wasn’t smart enough to have a solid opinion and express it eloquently.

After Val IMed me asking about another popular Black novel, I went over and grabbed my book again. It’s time to experience the revolution and evolution of Black thought. I know that I have a lot to say about the Black experience and through my honesty and observation maybe one day, one day, someone like myself could share in painting a portrait of the modern Black experience.

Help me to emerge myself in the best of Black thought whether it’s literature or personal memoirs. Are there any other books by Black authors that enlightened or inspired you intellectually or personally?

Lord Forgive Me

I can not sleep. I can not eat. I am burning with remorse for my most recent sin. I apologize to all who may have been in any way influenced by my most recent romantic decision. That was not of noble character and I am sorry that it went that far.

I don’t know what to say cuz I don’t know what happened. I had all of these rules all of these years about men and their roles in my life. Everything was very clinical and by the book. None had ever even SEEN my kids faces in the daylight and now this man is in my kitchen cooking us breakfast.

I disrespected myself and I disrespected my sons. No man should be that close to the family unless he truly deserves to be. You can’t have so many “friends” your kids lose track. What am I supposed to tell my sons now? How could I represent myself like that?

I’m not a wayward woman. I’m more of a reformed “ho” you know, I just keep it light and every once in a while I have fun. But him…..He snuck in there and something in him grabbed me and there I was acting like one of the women I swore I’d never be.

I have seen the light. I will never allow for my silly desire for love to cloud my judgement for the best interest of my children. I am wholly and lovingly devoted to their growth and development and I realize that no other two people on this earth are more important.
So…

Men..

I’m done with’em.

Kanye, It’s Ova.

I don’t have time for that shit while I go after my dreams in order to be able to take good care of my sons.

If you are going to get yours you gotta FOCUS MAN.

Advice from me to you:

Men are distractions. Fuck’em. DO YOU!!!

Again, I apologize.

May God see a way to grant me forgiveness and you too.

Two Stories

Ahhh….

I feel a little bit better.

Not 100% but most times I feel like I’m defective or something when it comes to men. But then I realized that if two people aren’t a good match for each other and things don’t work out, it’s no one’s fault. It just wasn’t a good match. Each style of shoe has one match to it. It can’t be upset because it’s a sneaker and the wedge sandals don’t go well with it.

We shouldn’t be upset either. You know…

But it sure does feel better to have this anger, this seperation, this bitterness. It’s what I’m used to and it comforts me. By pushing all men away I feel that I have the power to stop myself from being hurt. By being unresponsive to men I am guaranteed to never feel like I’m not good enough for someone.

Two of my friends tried very similar approaches in contacting their ex’s last week. One friend has been broken up from her ex for a year. On the anniversary of her break up she called me whining about how much she missed him and she still believed he was her husband and how no man she has ever met compares to him and how well they related.

After being a little annoyed by her whining I told her to call him and say Hi. I figured damn, if I have to listen to this, he does too.

Ya’ll are both grown, there’s nothing wrong with a phone call. After a little bit of coaching she did it. She called him but she didn’t say anything when he answered. They both sat on the phone listening to silence until she hung up. It was the anniversary of their break-up. I’m sure he was thinking about her as well and he knew it was her calling.

The next day she sent him an email saying:

First, I must confess to you.

Last night, I called you twice. However, the words would not utter from my mouth. I apologize. Truly I do.

In light of the holiday, I could not avoid the reflection of my life a year ago. Even though I vowed to myself never to contact you again, I made an attempt. Did God place it on my heart to do so? Or, Was it was my desire? Hmmm. I don’t know and I’m not trying to figure it out.

By writing this email serves not to invade in your life. Regardless of how you may feel towards me, I still keep you in my prayers. I pray that God will continue to elevate and prosper you in all areas of your life — health, relationships, financially, and spiritually. I pray the VERY best for you. May God continue to bless and keep you. Amen.

He replied:

Thank you for the call, strangely enough u crossed my mind yesterday 2. Coincidence I think not but I couldnt call because I was afraid you wouldnt accept a call from me, Im going to Miami Thursday for 4 days and when I get back I hope you will accpt my call…if not I understand

BINGO!

They are both still in love with each other! When he got back from Miami he called her up and she said that she had never heard such excitement and happiness in his voice. He had been the one to walk away from her, due to his feelings of insecurity. He let her go. Since then he had dated a few women but none of them compared to her. She said he was surprised that she is not upset with him and is glad that she took the intial step to reconnect.

I told her, “Ya’ll gonna hunch next time ya’ll see each other.”

She laughed. They live in different cities but she had already planned a trip there in 2 weeks. YAY!

My other friend. Well, she has been broken up with her ex for over 6 years. They dated for a year while they were in college and experienced their firsts together. After crossing his fraternity he told her that he didn’t want to have a girlfriend anymore and broke it off even though nothing else was going wrong with the relationship.

She was extremely hurt and never let go. For years I had to listen to her try to rationalize why he let her go. She was stuck. So when she called me last week asking me for a favor she knew I wasn’t going to be down.

“Chick, look. I can’t write a letter for you. I feel like I’m begging him,” I told her after she asked me to write an email to him asking for some sort of friendship.

“I know. I just want to see what he will say. I need some closure.” This was her umpteenth attempt as getting a response from him.

“You suck,” I told her as I began to type trying to express what was going on in her heart.

This is what I wrote:

HI There,

It’s been quite a while since our carefree college days at UF. I must admit, after moving back to Gainesville, you are a large part of my history here so my thoughts often turn to you. I wonder how you are doing, how you are growing and if you are okay.

I know we don’t have much of a relationship now for whatever reason, (I’m still not sure why) but I would like for that to change.

You were my first love. You were my first everything. You were more than just my boyfriend, you were my friend.

We’re both adults now. We have both grown tremendously and I hope that we can put our differences behind us and at least be civil toward each other.

I dont have any expectations of you. I just…miss my friend.

I’d love to hear from you.

Have a beautiful day!

His response was very much like she expected:

Please leave me alone.

He said it in a nice way. Then he sent a mutual friend to tell her that he is considering filing a restraining order on her if she doesn’t stop contacting him.

She was devastated.

But she got what she wanted; closure.

Hmmm….

I’m supposed to go out with a man this weekend even though I’ve stated that I’m going cold turkey on that tip. The funny thing is, I’ve already broken two dates with him in the past. Not because he’s gross, but because he makes me nervous. I really don’t want to take the chance of liking someone again and having them not like me back or (in most cases they still want to be friends with me- they ALL wanna be friends for some reason.). He’s also incredibly attractive and I don’t trust men like that. (Who am I kidding, I don’t trust men period) But he’s also funny and easy to talk with.

I don’t know. I guess I was wishing he would give up after 4 months but he hasn’t. I’d rather spend my kid-free weekend in my house alone though. It’s easier that way. Easier to not take a risk.

I just got an IM from him asking if I’d come up with an excuse to cancel yet. ~smile~

I replied: Not yet.

Is This a Dream?

Oh my gosh. I have posted and deleted this entry five times. I’m afraid to rejoice this time. I hate this feeling. You know what? I’m gonna let you know what is really going on regardless of how nervous I am about it. I’m trying to understand what just happened so bear with me as I put it into words although I still don’t believe it myself.

I’ve been enjoying my time of “freelancing”. The hours are perfect although the pay is virtually non existent but it’s still a noble career. Creative people struggle, only because they are so full of spiritual energy and that kind of energy can’t be properly contained. I couldn’t be contained. I looked at each job I held as training ground for something greater although my heart sank with each failure.

Although this blog may not be the best indicator of my desire to inspire and empower (sorry, you get the funky Ms. Tee with all the cracks and ever present PMS) my professional writing always aims to reflect empowering of women, sisterhood and overcoming obstacles. Take a peek at the collection, it’s growing.

With all of this in my heart it’s safe to say that businesses and corporations weren’t really feeling me. But I had to survive so I did what I had to do and changed jobs one after the other, always trying my best but never quite fitting in.

Where’s the job description that asks: Do you want to inspire others to greatness?

I was worn out trying to figure out my path until I received a phone call last week. It was a woman who had gotten my resume and writing samples somehow. I don’t remember sending them to that company.

She invited me into her office to discuss bringing me on as a freelance writer. I’m thinking, ‘This is different. No other editor has ever wanted to meet me in person.’

I had no idea I would be meeting a woman who owned her own company and wanted to expand by producing a magazine. After reviewing my past experience and objectives, she thought I’d be a perfect fit to help shape the content and style of the magazine. The magazine is geared toward women, but that’s all I’ll say for now. She needs someone to write stories and bring in other freelancers to help too.

“What if I told you that you have an entire magazine and you could say anything in it that you want to?” she said to me during our first meeting.

I sat there speechless in my Boondocks moment.

Are you serious?

Are you ready for my vision?

It turns out she is a motivational speaker and a therapist who has written two books that she also needs help revising. Ofcourse I offered my freelance services and she accepted. ~bling~ Her ‘calling’ in life is inspiring and healing women’s minds.

Crazy huh?

Immediately self doubt kicks in. Oh no…Here’s another black woman I’ll be working for and the two I’ve had in the past were nothing nice to work under. And here I go again, getting all excited about a job before it really settles in. Hey, it’s just freelance writing and editing. It’s a contract, it’s not forever.

I get a call from her yesterday and she has a quick question.

“Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I definately want you on board to write and edit for the magazine,” she tells me.

“Thankyou,” I reply.

“I was just about to give this woman a call about the administrative assistant position I’m hiring for and I thought I’d call and ask you first. I know you may not have thought about it but..would you be looking for some extra income?”

Hmmm?

“I know you’re a freelancer but we could use your experience as we set up the office. I want to build a strong team and we’re just getting started. What do you think?”

Hmmm?

Administrative assistant again? Yeah, I think I liked those jobs when I did them. Wasn’t too long ago? LOL! This would be a full time position though.

“What are the hours?”

“It’s 9-4 and Friday’s 9-1. And remember this has nothing to do with the work you are doing for the editorial part of the magazine. You will be paid for that seperately. It will be everything you were going to do before PLUS this income. I thought that might be helpful to you.”

“Wow.”

“So what do you say?”

“I…I accept. I can do that. I can handle both jobs for now. I can set up the office for you and make some guidelines and protocol and do some research…oooh. I’d love to do that.” I realize.

Setting the vision is my LIFE!

“I’ll do it.”

If in some way I am dreaming all of this then it won’t matter because you’ll never read this anyway. Man, It feels like a dream.

I am now working for a magazine.

I am now employed by a magazine on it’s editorial staff.

I work full time for a brand new magazine and I will help shape it’s future.

I work for a magazine.

I actually work for a magazine.

A print magazine with a glossy cover.

A magazine about women.

I can let all of my writer friends write stories and I get to pay them.

Guess what my major was in college? YEP! Magazine Journalism

Does that mean that I am actually working in the field that I received my degree in?

Am I on my way to become a magazine editor?

Do I get to update my amazing resume?

Ahh.. Shit.

This feels like a dream.

I can’t believe it.

Feelin the HEAT

I feel fat right now.

Maybe it is that friend bologna and cheese sandwhich I just ate. It was good though. ~licking fingers~

So wow. What a weekend. I went out on Friday night. Down to SoBe for a social at the Sagamore Hotel. It was cool. Open bar. Nice atmosphere. I didn’t know a soul there and I hate going to parties alone but B made me feel guilty about staying home by saying, “I volunteer you to be a part of this group and you don’t even go to the things they have.”

Damn.

So I went. Alone. And got a drink and sat down next to two ladies who I later learned were on vacation from New York. So we chatted the evening away about everything Black people talk about these days; the re-election of Ray Nagin, the state of Black women in society today, race relations and the possibility of race mixing becoming the solution to racism in America.

While I don’t mind confessing that I have no clue what to talk about when I am in a room full of caucasians, whenever I see a Sista who happens to be cool, I am certain that we have a common bond in our struggle to overcome obstacles and better ourselves.

Hey Sista girl. How you doin?

Fine girl. Maintaining.

I hear ya. It’s hard out here for a Sista.

Who you tellin? But I stay on my toes and I’m always on the grind. I’m gonna get there!

That’s the right attitude Sista. Cuz if it’s not one of them, it’s one of us. We need to get our acts together and start supporting each other instead of always seeing each other as the competition.

That’s real! I don’t think that Black women understand the immense opportunity for all of us. I never believed that the American pie was only so big. If I see another Sista doing her thing, I am ready to congratulate and imitate. Too bad most Sista’s aren’t like that.

There’s an unspoken bond between Black women that exists in the deep recesses of our hearts. When insecurity takes over there’s no room for the heart connection to grow hence the reason why some Black women take delight in the failures of others.

I ran into this one chick a month or so ago. She and I went to highschool together and she invited me out for breakfast. Now remember in highschool I was pretty well known and no one in the world would have guessed that I would have children out of wedlock and be struggling like I am. I’ve been told many times that I didn’t seem to be a person who could be swayed because I was so focused on my goals.

Oh well…Funny what lies beneath the surface.

So this chick runs into me and over a plate of salmon and grits I tell her about my latest endeavors, successes and failures. She can’t believe what she is hearing.

Two kids?

Just lost my job?

Freelance writing?

Hustling everyday?

No boyfriend in sight?

As I’m talking I could sense a bit of restrained excitement over the news of my unrest. She swallows a bite of her breakfast sandwhich, suppresses a smile and says, “Well, plenty of people want to see you fail. They are just out there waiting for you to mess up. What you gonna do?”

I sit in silence as she sizes me up.

“Keep trying,” I tell her. “This world is much bigger than my situation right now. There’s nothing that any other writer can do that I can’t. I have a unique voice. I’m just trying to be heard.”

She smiles and looks down at her plate.

“Well, you know. As far as these raggedy ass men are concerned. Sometimes I think that it would be better if we just left them alone period. A woman would treat you better, don’t you think?”

I raise my eyebrow. Is she recruiting?

“No, I don’t think so. That is sexually unsatisfying. Besides I wouldn’t want to deal with all of those emotions. I’m emotional enough as it is.”

I don’t think lesbians have a “look” anymore. But whatever vibe they have going on, I must have it too because it’s not uncommon for a woman to try to be with me. But I’m not interested soooo……….

Yeah…I went out with the guy on Saturday. I drove all the way to Ft. Lauderdale to meet him and we had lunch by the river at Las Olas. It was a nice spot. The day was sunny, but overcast. The breeze made us want to take a quick nap. The date ended quickly though and less than two hours later I was on my way back to Miami with a nice surprise courtesy of the guy. Very thoughtful of him.

By the time I got home I was so tired that I took a few phone calls and then took a nap. I woke up to the sound of my cell phone ringing. It was Kevin. I met him over a month ago but I hadn’t had time to go out with him yet. I was supposed to meet up with him after the social on Friday night but I was tired of being on the Beach so I went home without calling him.

He wanted to hook up with me later in the evening. I paused and looked to my left where Dude was softly snoring buried beneath my blanket.

“I’ll give you a call later,” I told Kevin. “I’m still not sure if I’m coming out tonight yet.”

I never called him back.

At 10pm I woke Dude up and we went to my bestfriend’s family’s house for a party. I knew he would enjoy all of that reggae music because he’s Jamaican. ~shakes head~ He laughs at me because he knows I can’t understand a word they say in those damn songs and it irritates me.

At close to midnight I’m completely gone off of the 3 glasses of Alize that I had been drinking at the party and Dude brings me home.

Today I woke up and I was still out of it so I drank a glass of water and took a sweet nap for most of the afternoon.

My boys came home this evening and we played around a bit before I sent them off to bed. The game should be starting soon and even though I really don’t like sports, I can’t miss this HEAT game in the FINALS.

I love Miami!

Everything about my hometown makes me so proud to be from here.

Miami- Why live anywhere else?

It’s Hot Down Here

I had the silliest dream last night.

In my dream I was sitting at my computer writing and I needed a new word for WINNER. So I sat and I thought for a few seconds and just like the miracle that always happens when I need inspiration, it came to me in flash of light and jubilation.

MAVERICKS!

Huh?

I woke up and looked around my room. Why the hell would I even be thinking something like that? I’d never even heard of the Mavericks until last week.

Well, God never told me I was a prophet so I rebuke that thought in the name of the NBA finals.

In other news….

I watching the Cosby Show the other day and something weird happened. I realized that I no longer identified with the kids. Theo seemed silly and annoying. I can’t believe I used to think he was hot. Dude is corny on that show. Vanessa seemed whiny and immature. Somehow the parents jokes and perspective seemed more interesting to me.

Same thing with the show My Wife & Kids. Same thing with that show Gilmore Girls.

When did I grow up and become a sitcom parent?

Life Is…

Wow. That was a lot easier than I thought.

I watched the ENTIRE HEAT BASKETBALL GAME last night. From the first quarter to the last second. I was on my couch JUMPIN and SCREAMIN and beggin for a chance to win!

~wipes brow~ See, God loves me. He let us win.

I’ve been chillin all day with my sons. We lounge and roll around and go out to play a bit then we relax some more and cuddle. What a life?!!!

I’m really going to miss hanging with them when I start my new assistant job at the magazine on Monday. Those boys are pure entertainment!

So after I put them to bed I sat down to work on my presentation for tomorrow. I meet with the company owner to show her my ideas on content for the magazine. I procrastinated ofcourse and tonight, when I sat down to create…it didn’t matter. It all flowed so well.

I actually did a power point presentation that details my job description duties, my plan to attract and retain writers, my strengths and ofcourse suggested content themes (and sample article topics) for the upcoming year.

Man…I hadn’t touched powerpoint in a minute so it was really fun re discovering how to make the presentation come to life. I still have some tweaking to do but I’m sure I can handle that in the morning. I LOVE Microsoft Office! (Sorry, it’s the admin assistant in me. I love doing that stuff.) I STILL haven’t found a babysitter for my sons yet so cross your fingers that I don’t have to take them with me!

Life is life and I’m amazed at the path I’ve already walked. Geesh! ~shakes head~ It hasn’t been boring at all, I can say that.

And through it all here I stand (or sit), ready to whine and complain and cry and shout and write and flirt and dream and run and love and hide and embrace and chill with the best of them, everyday. No matter what.

Life is kinda wonderful isn’t it?