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All These Men

What have I been doing since my vacation began?

Writing, taking afternoon naps and then writing some more. I feel more energized and it’s only been a day or so. I do feel kinda guilty about leaving all that work behind at my old job. There’s a part of me that feels like I let them down, but I have to force myself to understand that their needs are not more important than mine. I didn’t feel like I was appreciated. I actually felt like their little Black servant.

Today I got a call from an old friend from Gainesville who asked me if I would stop writing on my blog because I was getting so much writing work. Of course not.

Blogging is not really writing to me.

Blogging is like emailing back and forth with my friends about what’s going on in my life. It is literally effortless and I’m never at a loss for things to write about since everyday is a story to me.

Today I came face to face with a part of myself that I know I need to work on. My attitude. I can be such a bitch sometimes. I have this problem where I take things wayyyy out of context and put them in a negative light. Well, mainly from men. It’s not a good time to be a man and in my life. Hmm, I don’t think it’s been a good time to be a man and in my life for the past 5 years.

I hate that I’m like that. A simple statement could be turned around in my head because I’m always on the defensive.

I was at my Mama’s house this evening and my Stepfather was fixing food for my sons. I guess he made it just the way they like it because he turned to me and said, “See, I know your sons better than you do.”

Screeech!

I gave him one LOOK, like NIGGA PLEASE!

“Whatever.”

Then he gets upset and tells me that I always take things too far and that he didn’t mean any harm by what he said. I back down a bit because it’s true. I think I expect men to try to put me down so any statement they make is an insult to me and I jump back with venom because I want to put them in their place quickly.

Sigh.

I recently started chatting with my ex. THE EX. Of the first love variety. He’s doing well. It’s funny that after all this time I still have love for him though it’s more of a brotherly love than anything else. Hearing his voice brought back too many memories and I just had to laugh. We were such KIDS trying to act all grown up and in love.

But it sure felt real back then.

He mentioned to me that it hurt him when he found out that I was pregnant from my THE MONSTER. I shook my head when he said that. Join the club. I think he’s the 3rd man to tell me that. I don’t know what kind of drugs I was on or what. It seems that so many men were head over heels for me while I was with THE MONSTER. But I didn’t see any of them, only HIM and his ashy fingers. Love is soooo blind.

Where am I concerning romance these days?

Absolutely nowhere. I did meet someone a few weeks ago that was very nice to me. We hung out and had great ‘conversation’. He even helped me clean my house. So you know what I had to do right? Yep, I had to stop speaking to his ass.

I can’t even risk the chance of liking someone right now.

My horoscope said: A chance for love is right around the corner. Don’t be afraid. If you open up true love could bloom. (Or some crap like that.) That confirmed it, I DEFINITELY (Spelled it right,TRINA!!!) had to stop contact with him. I ain’t in the mood for that. I’m not used to guys being nice to me. That is some freaky mess. I’m looking at him like, What do you REALLY want?

Even the thought makes me want to vomit. I’m so glad I’m busy and I rarely think about guys like that anymore. I’m so filled with my vision it satisfies me. I’m so enamored by writing, it turns me on.

My writing turns me on. Today I had to sit back and literally PRAISE GOD for the gift because I honestly enjoy my writing. If no one else does, it pleases ME. That is very satisfying.

Oh gosh. This past Sunday I went to church. Yep. I sure did. My sons were sooo antsy I spent most of the service trying to get them to sit still. But I expected a WORD from God and I got one.

The WORD was on time but not something I wanted to hear.

The Pastor was actually preaching about creative people and how they want their voice to be heard, how they want to be free to create and grow but first they need to SUBMIT, be trained and THEN they can be released to go out and do what they do.

I shook my head sadly. I knew all of this in my heart. But I didn’t want to admit it.

If I ever want to truly walk in the fullness of my calling and my gift I have to submit to a Pastor. For those of you who don’t know what submit means it basically means go under the guidance of. Full submission means that the person who you are under submission to takes full responsibilty for you and giving you direction, therefore you should be patient, learn from them and follow their advice.

I’m no stranger to submission. I did it when I was in Gainesville but I didn’t walk away feeling good about it in the end. In the end I didn’t submit because I wanted to leave and come to Miami and my Pastor did not bless it and I left anyway.

It was annoying always hearing No, you can’t do this and No, you can’t do that. Just sit and wait and learn. I wanted to go out and DO! I wanted to use my gift. But patience is the key and if you TRUST someone enough to submit to them you should trust their heart and their judgement. But in the end, staying in Gainesville didn’t feel right.

And the funny thing is, now my old Pastor has left that church and has informed me that he is moving down here to the Miami area. Yep.

Yep.

~looking around~

Yep. He’s coming.

I’m scared.

I love him. I still love him. I’m just afraid that I’ll be in the same place I was back at my old church where I felt like I had to prove my spiritual growth to him. That was not a good place to be in.

Aww man, I’m procrastinating. I have these artist bios to do and I’m not feeling it right now but I have a deadline. THIS, my friends, is WORK.

Let me get to it.

Later.

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Random Convos

Straight up this whole entertainment writing process has been so eye opening to me. I get to hang out in studios with hungry artists, engineers and producers as they dream big and try hard. Ya’ll I am probably the least qualified person to be writing about Hip Hop and I’ve been thrown into this and I’m learning as I go. Thank God for my Hip Hop lovin friends because I would make some asinine assumptions if I didn’t have them to correct me. ~geesh~

The other day I was interviewing a young hopeful and I asked him, “So, what is your ethnic background, if you don’t mind my asking?”

He paused, smiled and said, “Usually, I’m just chillin. I’m a laid back kind of individual.”

I waited.

And waited some more.

He smiled at me.

“Uh, ok. Next question…”

Yeah soooo…………

I’m on the phone with Anna this evening and she’s telling me about a Superbowl party she’s going to.

“So, when is the Superbowl?” I ask.

She pauses. “Tee, don’t EVER ask that question again. I’m serious.”

“Uh…ok.”

And then there’s………

The conversation I had with Sylvia tonight. I was explaining to her that I could not EVER date a man simply because he was nice to me. Sure, he’s nice and sweet and treats me well, having those things would be a step up from my past BUT…I also need for him to have some paperwork.

“Tee, what’s that?”

“Paperwork. You know, degrees, deeds, certificates of ownership, courses completed, newspaper articles, awards and honors, you know- PAPERWORK!”

“So you mean if a guy is really nice to you but he’s not successful, you won’t talk to him?”

“Absolutely not! That’s how chicks get caught up dating men who can’t even take care of themselves. I can’t live on a big d**k and a smile. He gotta come with some assets. I REFUSE. REFUSE, REFUSE to be with someone who is not just as ambitious as I am, if not more. I want to impact the WORLD, imagine me with someone who is content to work a 9-5. I’m gonna be looking at him like, Dude, are you serious? You’re comfortable where you are?”

“Well Tee, MOST of the normal women in the world don’t need all of that. We’d be content to have a man who treats us well and could come together with us and have a home and take care of a family. I just want a nice house, healthy kids and a husband who doesn’t cheat.”

~Raises eyebrow~ “Well you ain’t hoping for much. I’d rather be alone than be with someone who can’t push me to achieve my vision for my life while I’m pushing him to do the same. In fact, I’d rather we work together toward the same vision. That would be so great! He and I speaking and writing and doing business together uplifting the masses through the various arts and communication mediums.”

Ahhh….. That would be so nice.

But until then. I GOTTA GET THIS THANG STARTED!!!

So lemme get back to my writing.

Holla back!

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New Lessons

It seems like I spend my whole life in front of this computer. Clicking away.

Tick. Tick. Tick.
Chat.Chat.Chat.
Read. Read. Read.

But what am I really getting out of it?

Am I missing out on REAL life, REAL trees, REAL interactions because sitting here with no makeup in my old boxers and a white tee is more comfortable than risking going out and meeting some potentially scandolous people.

It’s safe online. At least to me. I can control who I know and how much interaction I can take.

Interviews aren’t a real source of socialization because I’m being observant, listening and writing, not enjoying the moment FOR the moment but preserving the moment in my mind, on my tape recorder and in my notebook for future use. I’m experiencing it, but I’m not fully in it.

Yeah.

Yesterday I read a statement on a website that brought tears to my eyes.

Someone wrote: Anything valuable is not easily attained.

Anything valuable is not easily attained.

That statement stopped me in my tracks. I had to leave the computer.

See, I’m pretty comfortable with who I am. I celebrate myself more these days and have come to the conclusion that I am who I am and that’s okay. When I look at the things I once considered to be my flaws, I now see them as obstacles I need to get around, or over, or through. I’ve changed so much in the past ten years that there’s no way I will be the same person I am now in the next five years and while I look forward to change, well, it comforts me because I know the things that I struggle with now, won’t be the things I will struggle with later.

Anything valuable is not easily attained.

I have never valued my body.

Truth be told, almost any man who has wanted to sleep with me- well, he has. The only exceptions are men who say the wrong thing or men who have small penises. If you just be quiet and are a decent size and you try me, it’s pretty much guaranteed that you’ll score.

I have never valued my body. I was never taught to.

When I look at girls who make men wait before giving them sex I can understand why they do it, because they know it is their prize and the one thing a man can’t take from you because it has to be given as a gift.

But in my mind I am no gift and all men want is sex anyway so if I just give it to them early, they’ll go their merry way and I can move on without having to go through any prolonged pain of wondering when they’ll leave.

Once I give it to them, they always want more, no doubt. Who wouldn’t? That was too easy? But I usually don’t.

I feel kinda numb afterwards. And disgusted with them and with myself. Disgusted with them more so because there are very few men who last more than a few minutes with me. What’s up with that? If I could get paid every time I have heard, “That has never happened to me before.” ~rolls eyes~ Yeah right.

I’m always honest with my friends about my attitude towards sex and they have accepted that it’s just Ms. Tee. One of my closest friends told me that I am teaching men that all women are good for is sex by continually having these one night stands and never speaking to them again.

If it’s good I’ll call them again, a few months down the road. But that rarely happens so it’s a continuous string of yawns and unanswered phone calls as they try to figure out what happened.

“I thought the guy was supposed to stop calling after sex, Tee?” one victim said into my voice mail.

I laughed and deleted it. I haven’t seen him since.

I want to change. Not really into one of those women who have a 3 month dating rule for sex. I think I’d like to meet someone whose mind and spirit excites me more than my curiosity about whether he’d be the one to make me cum.

One of my good friends came up with this rationalization that has always stuck with me. She said, “Men force me to be promsicous. I give them a chance to be good to me and they’re just not the one, so I move on to the next one. If one of their asses would just be COOL and DECENT and know how to treat a woman, I’d definitely settle down. But as long as I keep trying and they don’t measure up, I’m gonna keep moving on.”

I used to be so upset with myself about my attitude towards sex and men and then one day, I accepted that I wasn’t raised to love myself and honor my body and I have to learn that now as an adult. I have to teach myself. It’s not an easy task but it’s a goal.

And I hope that God will allow me to see the realization of this goal.

Until then I accept myself and all of my 2000 parts. ~smile~

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Perspectives

You should always see the benefits of any situation.

I was just sitting here thinking, “Damn, I really want some hot wings and blue cheese right now.” Knowing good and well it’s not in my budget I sat back and started to sulk. If I had a damn boyfriend or any damn man I could have some wings and some company tonight.

But if I had some wings and company tonight I would not be able to finish this article I’m almost done with or this chapter I’m working on. If I had anyone in my life I was remotely interested in, I may not be so focused on my goals.

So maybe it’s a good thing I only view men as potential disappointments. If I didn’t my mind would be so far away from achieving the things that are in my heart to achieve.

Yeah…

That made me feel better.

It’s all about perspective.

Dude, do you realize that after I finish my writing for tonight I will go to sleep, wake up, take my sons to school and bring my Black ass home?!!!

HELL YEAH!!

I have never experienced anything like this before! It’s Sunday night and I don’t have to go to bed with the pressure of another work week on my mind.

It’s…Undescribable.

~singing~

So Unpredictable…

Have me feelin like I never felt before…

I LOVE MY LIFE!!!!!!

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Tellin Ghetto Tales

I’m not so different from them…

Though I’ve always thought I was.

I used to see them on the street corners sitting on crates looking shabby. I would turn my nose up at them thinking, “Why would they choose that life for themselves? Don’t they know there’s more?”

I couldn’t understand how we could come from the same environment yet have totally different ideals about life. Now I see that even though we are of a different fabric, the thread of our lives remain the same.

Thugs.

Hustlers.

Killas.

Dope dealers.

Whatever you want to call’em, they have souls too.

These past few weeks working with these hopeful artists has opened my eyes quite a bit. I used to be afraid of them. Their dreads, gold teeth and weapons, rough talk, criminal records and tricked out Chevy’s made me want to run in the opposite direction. It also turned me on a little bit, but that’s neither here nor there because I saw them as the forbidden fruit.

As I listen to their life stories I’m amazed. Utterly amazed. I knew these things were going on in my neighborhood, hell I saw some of it on TV and in the papers but I never got close enough to a guy whose life actually involved jail time, FED investigations and such immense heartache.

When I met them I was suprised that they were so polite to me. They were even friendly and sweet. Their goals have the same underlying fuel as mine; we can’t live like this anymore. We want to be better for our families. We want to make ourselves proud. We want to rise above the wicked circumstances of our births and make something good out of ourselves. We want to show others they way, the legitimate way to success.

They see their way up and out through the rap game. I see my way out through my ability to communicate. We all use our ability to express ourselves, to tell our stories, to cry for help.

We’re all tellin ghetto tales.

And hoping for a break to make the reality of today become far away

They are as much a part of me as my own family

I’l never shun them again because it took some time to see

That we are all hungry for relief from ourselves and our pasts.

We strive to create legacies that are built to last

Improve upon our parents, leave our pasts behind

Elevate our spirits and educate minds.

We’re all tellin ghetto tales

And hoping for a break to make the reality of today become far away

I’m sorry.

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Girlfriends

I was chatting with this chick the other night and she was sharing with me about how much of a blessing her husband is to her.

She said that no one has ever loved her the way he loves her, wholely and completely and she is amazed at his kindness and caring nature for her and their children. She said that her own mother never loved her so much.

I told her I understood how she felt because I feel the same way about my children’s love for me and she said it’s not exactly the same because her husband is not related and didn’t have to love her.

This caused me to sit back and think about if there were people in my life who loved me but weren’t related to me. People who loved me completely and without reservation, without harsh judgement or conditions.

After just a moment’s pause, face after face appeared in my mind.

Plenty of people love me. I have so many wonderful girlfriends.

Not girlfriends like friends who are good as shopping partners or gossip partners. Or girls to take up my time when I don’t have a man. I mean girls who are there for me like my future husband will be. Women who speak into my life as God would. Who encourage me like a mother or father should. Women who know the deep recesses of my being and help me celebrate those things.

There’s nothing like hearing my friends voices on the phone. I feel so lucky, they’re calling ME. They want MY opinion. They want ME to share in their joy. With a past filled with so much rejection there are a group of chicks in this world who not only think I’m great, they genuinely respect me as much as I respect them.

The love my friends show me is the same kind of love I hope to have with a man one day. I often tell my friends, “If I’m lucky enough to have a man love me half as much as you do, I’ll be one blessed woman.”

They accept me. Completely. Ride with me. Listen to my drama. Take me shopping cuz they know I hate to shop. Help me clean my house. Help me do my hair. Call me when they’re happy. Call me when they’re sad. Include me in their life decisions. Value my opinion. Trust me with their kids, their cars and around their men knowing that I’d never do anything to harm them.

They bare their souls to me. Sometimes that’s a bit scary but I do the same. We never hide or fake the funk. We get krunk. Get lifted off of each other’s company.

If any of them had a penis I’d propose tomorrow.

I love my girls. And I’m so happy that one by one they’re finding happiness and success. They’re taking steps toward big things and I feel so honored to be able to share in their joy.

Thank you for thinking of me. It makes my day to know that you want me there to cry with you in pure bliss as you receive all of the blessings that you deserve.

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Livin Single

My son woke up last night complaining of a belly ache. I asked him what he wanted and he said, “A sandwhich.” LOL! I remembered that he hadn’t eaten much of his dinner.

Then he said his mouth hurt. We stood in the mirror examining it from the inside and the outside but we couldn’t see anything wrong. Then he said his ear hurt. So I sat and rubbed his ear for him. Then he started crying saying his ear was really hurting. I sat with him and massaged the spot just beneath his ear until he fell asleep.

This morning he woke up still complaining of an ear ache and his big brother told me, “I’m sick. I keep couging. I need to see a doctor.”

“I’ll call the doctor,” I told him. “But today you have to go to school.”

I’d love to take both of them to see the doctor but I don’t have the money for the co-pay. Once I even opted to take my son to the emergency room instead because they bill you later. It’s crazy because if they’re gonna be sick for real, they need to be sick NOW and not next week when I start my new job.

It’s so rough being a single mother and trying to work because employers look at you funny when you have kids and they know that you’re the only one there to care for them. I was lucky at my last job, with the exception of a few weird comments, no one made a big deal out of my having to take off work to take care of my sons. But I can understand where the employer is coming from when they are a little cautious about hiring a single mom.

We have to take our kids to doctors appts all the time. We have to handle personal business. Kids get sick. Kids get hurt. Kids act up in school. So even when you get sick, you HATE to use a sick day because you know your kids are going to need it one day. You don’t even go to the doctor for yourself because you know that you need to save the time to take care of them.

With my new job I’m not a salaried employee which may be a good thing (possible overtime)because I have never been hourly since I graduated from college but from my understanding when you miss a day you miss a whole day of pay. I can’t imagine having to choose between taking care of my sick child and paying my bills. That’s going to be a dilemma for sure. And I won’t even THINK about taking business trips with this new position. ~shakes head~ I’ll just have to fight that battle when it comes up.

Call me crazy though. These days when I find myself in a rough situation I sit back and smile. So, right now I don’t have the money to take my kids to see the doctor? Well, we’ll just see how God fixes that! For real, that’s exactly what comes to my mind.

I smile and expect an opportunity to make money or a blessing to be bestowed upon me. Maybe this week one of my articles will sell and I can take them to the doctor on Saturday.

Who knows? But I know that my boys will eat everyday. They will always have clean clothes and they will laugh.

The rough times always precede the joyous times.

Here’s to the joyous days ahead!

God has certainly not forgotten me and my kids…

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It’s a Spirit Thang

I have to be careful because if I don’t catch myself I’ll end up losing focus.

I don’t watch much TV but when I get stuck on E!, VH1, MTV2 or anything celebrity related I feel like I’m being hypnotized.

I’m definately one of the millions of regular folks who are all caught up in the lives of celebrities. I don’t really have a favorite blog anymore but it’s a rare day that I don’t make the time to click on Crunk & Disorderly to see what kind of comments she makes about urban celebrities.

Did ya’ll read when she wrote that Ashanti was the “broke man’s Beyonce”? LMAO! HELL NAW!!! That was too funny!

My own little sister visits my blog everyday but she doesn’t read a word I have to say. She only comes to click the link to visit Fresh. ~smirk~ No support, I tell ya!

I had to force myself to turn the TV off just now. If I watch the Grammy ‘Green’ Carpet special one more time I’ll be able to recite all of the celebrity responses. Ofcourse I half-watched the Grammy’s. Ofcourse I was disappointed that Kanye didn’t win all of them but no one who is expected to win, ever wins. It’s always like that.

I did catch him on the ‘Green’ Carpet with his ~cough~ girlfriend Brooke. Hmmm.. She aiight.

Ok, she’s beautiful. As my friend Ernest put it when he called me immediately afterwards, “She’s fine as hell!” Ok, damn! She looks good! So?!

Anyway. Did ya’ll catch the fact that when asked, “When did you two meet?” She answered, “2004” Hollup. That wasn’t even 15 months ago. Ya’ll just met. I’m pretty sure I remember seeing her when they came to Miami for his concert. She was on the same row as his Mama. But that chick got up in the middle of the show and walked out while he was performing.

I wouldn’t do you like that Kanye. I’d support you. ~smile~

It’s so funny because most people hear me talk about Kanye and think I’m a fanatic. I don’t really know how to respond to that except, fanatics know EVERYTHING about their object of adoration. I decided I liked Kanye before I even heard Late Registration. I hadn’t even heard all of his first CD either. I was so drawn to Kanye because of his spirit. I think the thing that draws anyone to someone else is more than physical, it’s spiritual.

But ofcourse those who would dare to even make a negative comment about the fact that I admire someone may be a weeee bit jealous because I don’t look at them in the same way.

Hmm? Maybe.

Otherwise why would you even try to tear down a positive image in my life? How does it hurt me to think he’s great? Why is it a bad thing that he inspires me to actually GO for my goals? Is it damaging to my relationship with God? Is it causing me not to take care of my children? If not, then if you’re truly a friend, celebrate with me and send me those Kanye alerts I’ve been asking for, (and receiving- THANKS!!!)

If I can be allowed any small amount of pleasure, wouldn’t you want to be involved in that? Why ruin it for me by trying to tear him down in my eyes? Would that give you pleasure to have me realize that he’s not all I thought he was? Would that make you smile? Just a thought.

My fantasy for Kanye is much more spectacular than anyone could predict.

Imagine me as a bug in Kanye’s ear, Whispering the words to incite him to a greatness he has never even thought to imagine. He says his goal is to make “good music” but I could be the driving force behind him to help him become even much more than that. He has all of the tools and so much potential, I think he needs a little direction and someone who genuinely sees something in him and could paint the picture and help develop a strategy. It’s not all about being famous or making millions. If there was ever any hope to improve our everyday lives and restructure misguided thought patterns we need a medium to help guide us toward that. The ministry of music has proven itself to a be a powerful one.

The words we sing resonate in our souls. The lyrics of our favorite songs become our mantras. Imagine what the song, ‘Touch the Sky’ has done to my spirit. Imagine how you feel when you hear a good gospel song. It’s no longer a voice and words over a few instruments. Our hopes are aligned with the music we love. Using music as a segway to affect thought, Kanye could possibly plant positive seeds of hope and prosperity into the lives of millions. I wonder if he has any idea where he could be?

He reminds me of Tupac. I loved Tupac. I always thought Tupac would be someone who would one day change the way the world thinks and affect the lives of Blacks everywhere. I was devastated when his life was cut short and I am one of the ghetto ones who believes, ~whispering~ He’s not dead.

Even when Tupac was being, ‘bad’ we all knew that he was rebelling against the fiber inside of him that was destined to become a voice for the masses. When he spoke, we listened. When he spit, we rhymed along.

Yeah, it’s fun to see the people who seem to be perfect walk through the crowds, smile and pose. We love to hear about what designers they are wearing as they show off their perfect bodies. I love what The Heiress wrote on her blog a while back saying something like, Celebrities are just people like us who have more of a drive to be rich.

People like us.

Yes, people like you and me. But somewhere along the line they stopped believing what others said about them and saw themselves as wonderful. They ignored their cousin or brother who told them it couldn’t happen and they decided to try for themselves and see.

And look what happened.

And look what happened.

Everyone should be so in love with themselves that they believe they can have exactly the lifestyle they want.

They should believe they can have exactly the kind of mate they want.

They should believe they can have exactly the type of future you want.

Why not?

What are dreams except a subconcious desire for our unmanifested destiny.

For some reason you keep dreaming of a certain type of house. You look at your check stub and think, “ain’t no way.” But the dream won’t go away. The dream won’t go away because the house is yours. You’re seeing into your future but most of us are too lazy to do what we need to do to touch that dream and make it a reality.

If you can dream it, it’s yours.

If it’s apart of your imagination, then it’s tangible.

Really. It really is.

Why can’t you have the FINE but humble, affectionate and successful man of God that you desire? Why should you settle for less when people tell you you’re setting your sights too high or that God won’t give you exactly what you desire so you should be happy with what you get.

“Girl, he on drugs but, he say he love the Lord and he sholl do treat me good. I know God blessed me with him and just wants us to struggle a little at first. He’ll get a job one day. God will make a way.”

~raises eyebrow~ Chick, leave that dude alone until he gets himself together. Ain’t no way the God I love is gonna set me up with some dude I have to take care of. Why would He do that?

“It doesn’t matter what you THINK you want, God knows best, Ms. Tee. Be open to accept whatever God has, even if it’s not the kind of man you think you want. Besides, I think the greatest gift is LOVE not all the other credentials you’re hoping for.”

~raises eyebrow~Tell me something, why does it make you upset that I would want more from a man than just a back rub and a warm Sunday dinner? If that’s what will make you happy- SO BE IT. Love is important but it’s not all I need. If you can’t provide, your ass can RIDE! I want more than that and I don’t see anything wrong with asking MY FATHER GOD for it. Why do we feel we have to be bashful when we approach God with a request?

I go boldy before His throne and ask for healing, a good relationship with my sons, wisdom to use the gift He gave me for His glory and one day, a helluva man!

“Girl, you’re asking for too much.”

Do I have to remind you that people who say things like that are not really your friends? What friend wants you to settle for mediocrity just because they did and WILL continue to do so for the rest of their lives?

Child please! I tell you I do not have ONE close friend near me that would EVER tell me I’m dreaming too big. I have some friends who believe IN me, but my closest, BESTEST homegirls are dreaming WITH me. We’re all trying to figure out a way that we can work together towards lavish lifestyles while being in right standing with God and maintaining (or pursuing) our integrity.

Those are the type of people I have around me.

What kind of friends do you have?

Well, I’ve been sick for the past two days and I this is the first thing I’ve written in all that time so excuse my jumbled thoughts.

A word of caution. Be careful of those who speak into your life. Everyone who smiles and laughs with you ain’t really your friend.

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She’s A Weirdo

I want to go to sleep but I can’t.

Which is pretty wild since I did not take a nap today and I’ve been on my feet all day long getting my house together and my self together for my new job which starts on Monday.

I’ll admit I’m a little nervous. Not because I don’t think I’ll do well. But because I have noticed this pattern that takes place on every job I take. I’m trying to figure out how to be different without compromising who I am too much.

I know I may never be the chick who advances up the corporate ranks because honestly that’s not a desire of mine. I don’t plan to retire from anyone’s job. I don’t plan to become a senior executive or run the company one day. I really don’t desire to stay in any job too long that I become bored with it. I want to move and learn more and grow. If one company has the opportunity for me to do that then I’ll stay but being in a position that requires a repetitive chore will not be enough for me at any time in my life.

I hope this company will teach me a lot. I hope this company has brilliant professionals who won’t be threatened by my eagerness to learn and excel. See, that’s my problem. Whenever I start a new job the people there are often threatened by me.

I’m not making this up. It’s not in my mind. I’ve had two co-workers on two different jobs talk to me about how they weren’t “threatened” by my presence because they know that they are good workers. This pretty much let me know that it had crossed their minds even though I tried to assure them that all I want to do is be a good servant and learn as much as I can.

But if you walk into any situation with confidence and you are well spoken and talented, you’d better believe that there will be people there who will dislike you immediately. Let’s not even mention the fact that I’m attractive. Shake your heads if you want to. Laugh if you must, but this doesn’t always work in my favor. Sure studies have shown that attractive people get jobs more easily than unattractive people but when it comes to dealing with co-workers, the insecure ones always want to double hate on you. ESPECIALLY when you do something well.

I rememeber when I worked customer service for that company last year. While I was still in training I would get customers who asked to speak to my supervisor to tell them what a great job I did. Usually when a rep gets a praise report from a caller the supervisor stands up and announces it to the whole office and everyone claps. When I got mine all you heard was *crickets*.

At the newspaper after I pulled off organizing and hosting the job fair I was so proud. How about one of my co-workers stood up and announced to everyone, (towards the end of the fair with applicants still in the lobby), “She think she doing something but she ain’t been here but a hot minute and nobody don’t listen to her!”

I was stunned.

If all I do is be my cheerful, fun, hard working self why does that make you so angry?

I’m told at my new job there are incentives offered for good work. ~shakes head~ I know I’m gonna win. How sad that I kinda feel like I should try not to win.

I really hate that I can’t just be myself because people take that as being a show off and being a kiss up. I like to compete. I like to win even more. But if you win too much no one likes you. They start being rude to you. If you dress too nicely people start to talk shit about you. Because I try to look nice and I’m vibrant and positive, people look at me like something is wrong with me.

Ugh. Why is she so happy?!

When I try to tone my personality down and not be so… me, I feel like I’m cheating myself. I don’t know why God made me so loud and rowdy and boisterous. I don’t know why I’m so encouraging and inspirational and confident. I don’t know why I’m so bubbly and excited by small things. Little things inspire me. Little things make me happy. I appreciate every little thing someone does for me.

What’s so wrong with that?

Lord, let me stop worrying so much about how other people will react to my personality. If they can’t handle me I can’t do anything about that. I just hope that this made-for-TV personality will end up where it belongs.