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Crucial Conflict

Sometimes I just have to laugh at myself.

I’m sitting up here trying to write but I can’t because my kids keep bustin up in here showing me the pictures they colored or the new words they learned or calling me to come see the latest toy they saw on TV.

I don’t want to ignore them but I become very frustrated that I can not write while they are awake. This leaves me only the late night hours to work on my craft which leaves me tired at work everyday. I feel like I’m in a downward spiral, trying to go for mine while not neglecting my children.

Late at night when I’m in the middle of a particularly inspirational piece and I’m flowing and my heart is pumping and my fingers are floating across the keyboard I’ll hear a noise outside my room door. Uh, oh. I hear the door creak and see the little head peek from behind it.

“I’m sorry Mama,” my little one says. “I’m sorry.”

“You peed in the bed didn’t you?”

“Mmm, hmm.”

So I have to leave my state of euphoria and wipe down pissy booties, change clothes, change bed sheets and give extra kisses. By the time I get back to my computer I’m tired and unfocused.

I once heard comedienne MoNique say, “I want to thank my son for allowing me to pursue my career.” I understood exactly where she is coming from. Since I have been aggressively pursuing a freelance career along with a full time job I have had to get regular babysitters for my sons. At least once a week someone else sits with them while I go out and interview. Most times it is twice a week. They’re not getting all of their Mommy anymore. I hope they understand. I don’t think it bothers them as much as it bothers me.

I’m trying to change the world and shape the way people think and they want to run in and show me their Teen Titan pictures. ~smile~

Sometimes I look and them and just LAUGH! Like, if you only knew what I’m setting out to do, you’d probably give me a little more time to focus on my work then I’ll be able to come play with you. But they don’t know. My job definately doesn’t know. All they know is Ms. Tee didn’t get all the tags right on the Raisers Edge query and she missed some name tags for the event. Ms. Tee isn’t doing a perfect job and it’s annoying my co-workers. I’m just so tired.

So tired.

But so excited about the start I’m off to. Excited about the exposure I’m getting and the people I’m meeting, and a little annoyed that no job has or WILL ever work out for me. I’m not built to work a job. I find that everyone who is creative like me, is having the same problem. But we don’t have Mama’s like Kanye to finance our creative endeavors or tell us it’s okay to follow our dreams. We don’t have parents like Jessica Simpson who make it their mission to make sure we succeed. We have to work to live and we do so at the risk of not being totally focused on our jobs or our passions. We’re in constant conflict. Our passions wrestle with meeting our needs.

This is where the test of the true fighter comes in. How much are we willing to risk for sucess? How much can my body physically take while I attempt to balance a household, a JOB and the pursuit of my ultimate destiny?

Or maybe God will line things up for me. I certainly hope so cuz I need a vacation and I’m so tired.

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Am I Dreaming?

The phone call came right on time.

I was up one night tinkering away at my keyboard when I heard my cell phone ring. It was my former Pastor from back in Gainesville. He told me he was doing research on companies and found one that he wanted to tell me about. He began to read a description of a PR firm that was Christian based and minority owned. The projects they worked on seemed like so much fun and the creativity associated with the firm oozed from the description. Not only do they work with developing businesses and events, they also have an in-house studio where they film commercials and work on graphic design and photography. And it’s all owned and operated by a Black woman.

“Wow. That sounds great. Is that in Gainesville?”
“No, it’s in North Miami Beach.”
“Really, what’s the web address? Are they hiring?”
“I don’t know,” he says and gives me the web address. “This seems to be a great group to work in terms of ministry.”

I shrug my shoulders and hang up the phone. Never one to sleep on an opportunity to slide my resume to someone, I quickly punch in the web address and find the link that says contact us.

I type into the form: Hi, my name is Ms. Tee and I am a creative, talented writer and I believe that your business might be a good match for my skills. Please let me know who I need to pass my resume to. Thanks for your attention.

I only leave my email address on the form. I’m thinking they’ll email me with some contact info so that I can personalize my resume and cover letter.

The next morning I’m at work and my phone rings. Since a volunteer is sitting at my desk she picks up my phone. I see her pause as she asks who is calling. Damn, it’s MY phone..~rolls eyes~

“Ms. Tee, it’s Tammy from XYZ PR Firm.”

My eyes grow wide. Wait a minute. Is that the company that I just sent an email to last night? But, I didn’t leave my phone number?

I take the phone and try to sound cheerful as I greet the woman.

“Hi, this is Ms. Tee.”
“Hi, goodmorning. Our company president asked me to give you a call and give you her email address so that you can send in your resume.”
I pause, not believing what I am hearing.
“Uh, yeah. Sure.”
I write down the email address and as soon as 11 am hits I’m out the door and running to my car to get home to fix my resume and send it.

I send it in and call back two days later to check up on it. Tammy says she will have the president call me back as soon as she can.

Meanwhile I go back to work and I’m dealing with so much drama. I’m requesting vacation time because I have only taken two days of my two weeks but my Director keeps telling me no. She says that I should take a day off every now and then and that I can’t take a full week. She then says that she is concerned that I do not seem to be enthusiastic about the position anymore and that I’m making too many mistakes. She tells me that I should decide if this is the right job for me.

This really hurts me because I know that I am making some mistakes in the new program I’m learning and managing the database but I’m trying my best and I always give 100% on projects. It hurt even more because it caused me to doubt my work ethic a little bit. I know that this is not my passion but I am passionate about helping people, which I do a lot of and I remind my Director of this.

She says that we will see how the next few weeks go and in the meantime she has me training a volunteer who is helping out in the office. The volunteer is a parent and has always been a treat to be around because of her sweet demeanor so I don’t mind working with her and teaching her what I know.

Things come to a head when my Director tells me that she doesn’t think it is a good idea for me to apply for my children to go to school there because, “What will happen when you leave? If you’re applying for them under the premise that you will receive a tuition remission how will you pay for them when you leave here?”

I’m confused. Who said I was leaving?

But I just smile and I understand. She has said all she has needed to say. Once again, I don’t fit in. I’m not “Energetic” enough for her and the staff. I try to explain to her that I don’t stress about this job at all and she suggests that I should be more enthused about what’s going on.

I don’t get it. What more do I need to do? I come everyday and participate and give what I can give.

It starts to get to me because once again..damn… Another uncomfortable situation. But this time it’s different because I have never had anyone I worked for complain about my WORK. Usually it’s my lack of socializing that gets noticed.

So I’m confused and I’m tired and I need a break badly but I have to go on and finish my writing projects. Remember the time I took my kids to the Family Club? Well, I called our major newspaper and told them about it and I convinced the editor to let me write a story about it. She was hesitant at first but after seeing my writing samples she said she’d give me a shot. If I can become a regular freelance writer for the Miami Herald I have really made it because that paper is extremely difficult to work for. When I first came down here they told me I had to start small with the Neighbors section and work my way up to the regular paper. Somehow, some way, I have favor and now I’m getting PAID to write this story. And it’s almost done! I can’t wait to link it!

So in the midst of the craziness at work I’m being blessed with so many new ideas for writing projects and freelance opportunities.

This Saturday I got up and I cooked breakfast for my sons then I sat down to write but ofcourse I couldn’t because they really wanted my attention. My phone rang at 11 am and I answered with a yawn then I say straight up in my bed.

It was the president of XYZ PR Firm. She’s calling ME, on a Saturday.

We chat a little bit about my current job, what she’s looking for and how she thinks that I will fit into her Firm. I’m definately at a loss for words because first of all, I don’t know what position I’m interviewing for. All I know is that I’m creative and driven and I excel at anything I put real effort into.

She asks if I can come by and meet with her in a few hours. I tell her SURE. As soon as I hang up I’m dialing number after number and no one is answering. Sometimes I feel like my friends SAY they’ll be there for me but when I really need their butts I can’t find them. I need someone to watch my kids for me while I go to this meeting. My little sister is getting her hair done and my Mama isn’t answering her phone.

I call my Mama’s cell phone and she answers it with an attitude. I explain to her that I have a job interview and I need her to watch my kids and she agrees but I can tell she’s busy with her tax clients and doesn’t really want to. But oh well, as long as she says yes.

I drop them off and high tail it back home to print out some writing samples and get dressed for the meeting. The business is very close to where I live so it takes me about 10 minutes to drive over there.

When I ring the doorbell she answers with a pleasant smile and a war handshake. She shows me around the 20,000 square foot building and we sit down in her office. She guestures toward a 3 inch stack of papers held together by a rubber band that is sitting on her shelf.

“We put an ad out for this position and those are all the responses that we received. You never even saw our ad did you?”

“No. I didn’t.”

“Well, how did you hear about my company?’

“Well, my former Pastor from my time in Gainesville called me up one night and gave me your web address. I decided to send you a note and here I am.”

She smiled and looked at me in amazement. “That is amazing! This is sooo GOD!”

I smiled back. I didn’t know what to say.

“You don’t have any agency experience which is your only weakness. But I’m willing to take a chance with you if you’d like. We can start at this salary and negotiate further once your 3 month probation period is over. Why don’t you think about it and let me know on Monday or Tuesday. We have so many accounts that I’m already thinking on having you work with. One of them is the Black Wire Service that I own which distrubutes African American news all across the country.”

I’m sitting there dumbfounded.

I can’t believe this.

I have a job offer on a Saturday making more than I make now and I’ll get to learn about PR and have connections to a country wide wire service.

Am I dreaming?

During our phone interview she even asked me where i see myself in 5 years and I confidently told her, “I plan to become a WORLD INSPIRATION LEADER. I will be a best selling author and speaker traveling and uplifting the masses while empowering them to change their lives.”

I drove away in a seemingly drunken state.

I called my old Pastor to tell him what happened but he didn’t answer.

Did this really happen to me?

Do I really get to go into work tomorrow and resign?

God really loves me so much. So much. I..I don’t deserve this.

I can’t believe it. Is this for real? I feel like someone is playing with me.

How can all of my dreams be coming true?

I am so HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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On Vacation

I was nervous as hell going into work because I didn’t know how I would feel after I resigned. In fact, I was still a little doubtful about the whole thing. It all seemed too good to be true. I was half expecting a phone call from the PR/Marketing agency telling me they changed their mind.

So when I walked in I immediately called them to ask a few last minute questions. The Company president greeted me warmly and told me that she was just about to email my job description over for my approval. She asked me to review it and if everything was agreeable, to email her back letting her know what day I’d like to start.

I reviewed her email with astonishment. Why do all of the projects that I’ve been assigned to list the words: Research, interview, copy write, community outreach, profile interview, etc. in their descriptions?

Whoa!

After reviewing the email I knew it was time to turn in my letter of resignation. My Director and 3 other staff members were out of town at a conference leaving me alone with the volunteer and the database manager who usually stays tucked away in her little cubby hole.

I walked over to the Business Manager and she smiled at me. She is always so nice to me. So many people say they don’t like her but for some reason, I LOVE her because she’s so cool and no nonsense. I closed the door and she asked me to have a seat.

“Um, I have another job offer,” I said.
“Ofcourse you do,” she said quickly. “You’re bright and nice to be around. I knew some company would snatch you up.”
I pause.
“Well, My Director isn’t here for me to give her my notice.”
“No problem you can give it to me.”
“Well, there’s also another matter I need to discuss. Well..” I clear my throat. “I was never allowed to take a vacation even though I’ve been working here for over a year. So I still have all of my vacation time.”
“Ok, we’ll pay you for that time once you leave.”
“You will?”
“Sure, unless you want to take the vacation now and leave early.”
“Is that okay?”
“Sure is. When will be your last day?”
“Tomorrow.”
“Ok, just write me a letter letting me know when your last day will be. You don’t have to worry about telling your Director since you’re leaving I’ll take care of everything.”

I walked out of her office numbly.

Dang. It all worked out. My Director has no idea that when she and the rest of the team get back, I’ll be gone.

I sit down at my desk and finish the last project that I’ll ever do for the school. I open up a new email and write a short note to our faculty and staff list serve.

Hey Everybody!

From the first day I walked onto this campus as a temp I have felt the positive energy radiating from every staff member. I’ve learned so much from my co-workers and I have especially enjoyed the Faculty Affairs committee’s special surprises. I can’t imagine any other company treating its employees as well as MCDS does.

Another career opportunity has presented itself to me and I am excited to take advantage of it. Regretfully, tomorrow is my last day here.

Thank you for all of your smiles, your warmth and your encouragement as I move forward toward my destiny. No plan is ever out of reach for you and no dream is ever too big. I will not waste a day of my life because I believe I have something positive to contribute to society. Look for me all over the place as my writing career takes off.

Remember to be a blessing to others.

Love,

Ms. Tee

After I send the note I am bombarded by shocked replies to my announcement. Everyone wishes me well and remembers how much of a bright spirit I was and so many of them reminded me of how I helped them with a smile and they appreciated it. I never thought that I was appreciated because you rarely get a word of thanks that isn’t given to the whole group. And lately all I had been hearing were criticisms from my Director.

Here these people took the time to let me know that I was a gift in their life. I really needed to hear that.

One by one they stopped by to give me a hug and to wish me well. They were all curious to know where I was going and what I would be doing. When I told them PR & Marketing they mostly smiled and assured me that I was perfect for that line of work.

At the end of the day I packed up all of my stuff from my desk and took the pictures off of the wall. I knew that when I returned the next day I would only be coming to put together a portfolio of the work I created while I was there.

It felt so good to be in that office and not have to jump up attending to someone’s needs. I realized that all day long I was the Go-To girl who had to do all the running and all the helping whenever anyone said they needed it. “Ofcourse I can do that,” was my most used statement.

No more.

Today I went in and sat down at my desk. I looked behind me at the pile of papers that needed to be filed and turned my head. I checked my email requests and forwarded them to my Director for her review when she gets back. Anyone that stopped by was asked to come back on Wednesday when the team would be back in full force.

The Go-To girl had left the building.

I put together my portfolio and I snuck and gave goodbye hugs to everyone in the other side of my building; the business office. “I’m giving you these hugs now because I don’t want you calling me out when I sneak out of here early,” I half joked.

After that was done I gathered the last of my things and told the receptionist, “I’m going to put these things in my car.”

I walked away from that building for the last time.

Hell no I don’t feel guilty for leaving early. I’m home relaxing and writing and talking to my friends.

I have 2 weeks before I start my new job. This is the going to be a great vacation for me. I am very grateful.

Let me go lie down for the rest of the afternoon.

Edit********************************************************************************

I just heard that Coretta Scott King died. My heart dropped. I remember back in college I portrayed her in a show celebrating women. To me she was the quintessential model of womanhood. What woman could stand beside so great a man and not be great herself? Her life will forever be celebrated.