He Had a Dream Too

My sons and I had a wonderful day today.

I thought I had to go into work even though it was a national holiday but late last night the Director of Events called me and told me I didn’t have to come but she would appreciate if I could stay late one night this week to assist her with last minute preparations for this event. I told her that I would try because I don’t have anyone to pick my sons up for me afterschool.

So I had the whole day to spend with my boys and we had a great time hanging out and watching TV as I told them what I knew about Martin Luther King, Jr.

“If he’s dead how come he still has a birthday?” my 5 year old asked.

“Well, sometimes there are people who do great things to help change the world and make it better. That’s what I’m trying to do and that’s what you should try to do too. Dr. King was one of those people who made a big difference and even though he’s dead, we still celebrate his life. Even when I die, you can still remember me on my birthday as a way to say I’m glad she was here.”

Who really sits back and focuses on Dr. Martin Luther King. Jr? Not too many Blacks do once they leave grade school but I think that it is important to reflect on the man, who I believe was the most popular Black leader in history. All across the country we get a day off to celebrate and most of us just get drunk or high and go to the MLK parade to show off our new outfits and flirt.

Regardless of how he came to be our leader, he rose to the occasion and stood up for all of us. He was scrutinized. He was targeted. He spent many nights away from his family all so that this fantasy, this dream of his could be made public. Many Blacks at that time had never dared to dream such a thing, much less speak it aloud to the multitudes. He dreamed and as he shared his heart with us, we began to dream too. Racial unity and desegregation became a realistic goal for us because Dr. King SPOKE it and gave this dream life.

He wasn’t the first big dreamer in history and he won’t be the last. Until we learn that our spoken words create our reality we will be bound to believe our circumstances dictate our future.

Dream. Dream loud. Dream strong. Dare to believe it.

Speak. Speak loud. Speak boldly. It’s not just a fantasy unless you decide that it is one.

We escaped slavery but we are still bound in our thoughts. We limit ourselves. Our shackles are self inflicted. We hold the key to unlock them but we don’t even want to try.

Speak life. Speak healing. Speak love.

Thank you Dr. King. Because you had a dream, I have one too. If yours could become a reality, so will mine.

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After many years of pain and helplessness I finally decided to stand up for myself. Check my Audioblog for details as I face one of my biggest fears tomorrow morning.

He got Served

Two weeks ago after writing a post called ‘We Suffer in Silence’ which showcased a small portion of the verbal and psychological abuse heaped on me by my children’s father, I made a decision. I decided that I had to do something about it but I didn’t know what I could do.

I turned to my friends to relay my feelings and my two closest friends didn’t know how to help me. One of them even laughed when I shared with her that I feared him and his wrath. That hurt, but I know that she didn’t mean any harm by it. How could she understand the fear this man instilled in me? When her child’s father started to act up all she had to do was ask him why he was doing it and that made him stop. That didn’t work with my children’s father. Neither did sending him emails asking him to stop or standing in his face demanding that he show me some respect. He just laughed at me.

Like Suezette said, “You can’t demand respect after the fact.”

So there I was feeling empty because I had released all of that hurt into the atmosphere but still feeling helpless to stop him from hurting me again. I grasped at straws hoping someone, somewhere could help me. No one could. My girl Tamara shared that her significant other believed that he was so abusive to me because he knew that I did not have a man in my life to stand up for me. He had no one to answer to. No daddy. No boyfriend. No big brother or close male friend. He knew I was uncovered and therefore a prime target because seemingly no one cared about me. At least not enough to tell him he was wrong and he should stop the abuse.

As a last ditch effort I called the Domestic Violence hotline and spoke with a counselor. She listened to me. She comforted me through my tears. She reassured me that it was not my fault and I was not the only person who had gone through this. She didn’t make me feel like I didn’t try hard enough to stop him. She told me that there was nothing I could do to stop his behavior because I can not control his actions. I needed to hear that.

I needed to speak to someone who knew what I was going through. So many people laugh at people when they seek professional help for certain issues. They say that you are weak or lazy or a number of things but their words reinforce the need to seek professional help. Those exact words are the reason why you SHOULD seek professional help, those people who call themselves friends won’t LISTEN. You need someone to listen to you. They say they are not judging you but they are. A real friend would never trivialize any feeling you have or try to diminish your situation by simply telling you to ‘let it go’. Sometimes you can’t let go and what you need to do is get it out by having someone listen to you. If you have to pay someone to listen or call a free hotline DO IT. Those same people who laughed at you or told you that you were overreacting won’t be there for you in the end because they don’t understand. They never will. And that’s a good thing.

At the end of the conversation with the counselor she told me that I could get an injunction for protection (Restraining order) against him. I confided in her that I didn’t think I could get anyone to believe me and she asked me to at least try because she had seen cases like this granted without threats of physical violence.

So I did. On January 5th I took the morning off from work and I went to the Justice Center and filed for a temporary restraining order. They granted it and set a court date for us to appear before a judge to se if it would become permanent. I was so surprised! I didn’t think anyone would believe me or think that his harsh words were harmful. I thought they’d blame me like most people do when they hear about the abuse.

The temporary restraining order said that he could not contact me under ANY circumstances or face the penalty. I felt a little relieved but I knew that I still had to face him in court and that was a very scary thought. Remember he’s trained for court battles while I’ve barely watched Judge Judy.

I could have had him served that same day because while I was at the Justice Center he called leaving a message saying he would pick the boys up from my house that night. I had already started calling my friends over to be with me when he showed up because my fear of his attacks had gotten deeper. I didn’t have him served that night because I knew that my son was the ring bearer in a wedding the next day that his dad had already bought clothes for and everything. I didn’t want to ruin our mutual friend’s wedding so I just let the police catch up with him to serve him at his firm.

After I learned that he was served I prepared myself for the trial. I received so many emails with advice from readers and those I knew in the law field about what I should do in court and I followed every one. It hurt me to know that he would probably be upset about what I did but I continuously reassured myself that I did the right thing.

A phone message left by one of my wisest friends confirmed that I had. She said, “When you’re on an airplane and it’s about to go down they tell you to take a deep breath from the oxygen mask before placing it on the face of your child. You have to get that breath, Ms. Tee so that you can take care of your boys.” I appreciated that.

Other people told me to control my emotions and not to break down. One reader shared that when she took her child’s father to court for a restraining order she became so distraught that she appeared unstable and the restraining order was not granted. She had filed the restraining order because her child’s father had come to her house and put a loaded gun to his head in an effort to scare her. But she was viewed as unstable by allowing her emotions to take over in the court room.

Also, the allegations I made in the sworn statement given to the police had several points and I was told that I should be ready to argue each point I made. My friend warned me that my children’s father would probably try to attack me in court by trying to prove that I am a bad mother but I had to remember that this court date is not about whether I’m a good mother or not, it is about proving that I have reason to fear that he will abuse me again. I had to keep my focus.

Last night I finished up a written statement to the court. I figured that if I became too emotional they could at least read it. I barely slept with the thought of facing him bobbing through my brain.

I dropped the boys off at school and headed Downtown to 1st street. 175 NW 1st Street to be exact. The courthouse. I parked in that damn expensive ass parking lot and walked inside 30 minutes early.

I found the right floor and I didn’t know what I was supposed to do next. I walked into a waiting area and there he was; my Baby Daddy sitting quietly reviewing some forms in his blue suit. I walked away and sat down trying to smooth my pink, grey and white striped shirt that I wore with a simple grey suit and black pumps. My afro was looking especially uneven but what could I do about that?

When they started the proceedings I was told to sit down in the court room with the other petitioners. We all had to stand up when the judge came in. She was a middle aged white woman with long blonde hair and a bored look on her face. For me every situation has a sound track and when I looked at her I kept hearing Jay-Z’s tightest verse on the remix of ‘Diamond’s from Sierra Leone’, “I do this in my sleep!” She seemed as though she had heard a million cases and nothing was new to her.

I was shaking from the inside out as case after case was tried in front of me. I noticed that the relationship between the judge and the attorneys is not exactly friendly. They seem to annoy each other. It was quite comical as each lawyer tried to have their say and the judge would cut them off getting straight to the point of things.

I watched as men tried to secure restraining orders against their wives/ex-girlfriends and neighbors. Most of the people spoke only Spanish only so the interpreter was in heavy rotation.

When the judge called my name my heart sank. I rose and sat down behind the glass covered wooden table marked PETITIONER. My Baby Daddy was called into the courtroom because he had been asked to remain outside until our turn came. He sat down at the table next to mine and opened his brief case and pulled out some papers.

The judge read my statement as the room became eerily silent. She read aloud all about the degrading emails, the past physical abuse and the threats. When she was done she asked me if I had copies of his emails. I told her I did. She asked to see them and I asked if I could come up to her and bring them. “Yes,” she answered.

“Tell me about the past physical abuse,” she told me.

I recounted the stories of two incidents. I was shaking a little and tears were flowing but I wasn’t boo-hooing or gasping for air. When I was done she asked me what I wanted and I said, “I want him to leave me alone. I’m trying to live my life and take care of my kids and he is intent on being an obstacle to that. He belittles me even in front of my children and verbally abuses me at any time. I’m tired of being paranoid and looking over my shoulder wondering what he will do next. Imagine having to look into the face of someone who hates you so much and see the disgusted look on his face everytime and have to hear those hateful words. I want it to stop.”

After she read one of the emails I showed her she asked him, “Why would you write such horrible things to her?”

“There are only two reasons why I send her emails like that, ” he began. “I enrolled my son in private school and bought uniforms for him. I bought the pants but not the shirts. I asked her to buy them since the store that sold them is in Miami and I don’t live in Miami but she said she didn’t have time to go get them. Out of anger I wrote that letter. The adjectives I used to describe her (pathetic, loser, only good as a carrier)…well, they’re all true.”

I hung my head in shame. Damn. Dude seriously hates me.

The judge looked at him and then looked at me and then she decided that she would order him to have no contact with me. Not a restraining order, just no contact. She said if he violates the no contact order then she wil lissue a permanent restraining order. Exchange of the kids would be done through his mother only.

He tried to speak some more saying that he had proof that I perjured the court or something but the judge was done. She closed the case and dismissed us.

Ten minutes later I received the order in writing and I left feeling relieved. On my way to my car I called my Mama and told her what happened and then I called my lil sister and told her what happened. They had been my biggest supporters in this process because they knew that there was no other way I could handle this even though they both wished with all their heart that THEY could have been his Baby Mama so they could deal with him directly.

Off I went to another interview with a very popular local DJ. When I got my assignment I knew that I had seen her somewhere before. I reached back into my old magazine archive and I came up with THIS PICTURE. That’s right. She was in the July issue of The Source looking quite yummy in a bikini. The interview was phenomenal. She’s a woman after my own heart actually. I don’t think I could have expressed how much she and I have the same goals and vision in life, and she probably wouldn’t have cared anyway. I’m grateful I made her acquaintance and I can’t believe that God is blessing me to meet so many driven, talented, successful Black people who aren’t afraid to share the secrets to their success or help a sista along.

Tomorrow I’m headed to a Buppie mixer on the beach. I promised the CEO of a major Black organization that I’d be there and I’m taking Marsha with me. I also invited the woman from Trick’s label to come along so that we can chat.

Who knows what will pop off when you mix success-hungry young professionals, free drinks and plenty of business cards. I hope I don’t scare everyone away. I can be a wee bit MIAMI and most of these young Black professionals are not even from here which is so amazing to me. The Black people doing big thangs in Miami are imported from other cities. It’s about time a Miami native came on the scene and shook things up a bit.

Let’s see if they can stomache a true CITY GIRL!

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Damn! Them twins on American Idol can SANG and they look good! Whoa, they’re 16? Get it Daddies!

Be Careful What You Pray For

It’s been a crazy week. Our fundraising event this weekend is taking up too much time at work. I can’t even relax and talk to my friends like I want to. The stress of it all is getting to my co-workers because they are being rather bitchy lately. Or maybe that’s how they always are but I usually don’t notice because unless I’m being given an assignment or handing them a completed one, I pretty much ignore them.

Awww. I’m not mean. I just like to sit back and watch how people interact with one another before I jump into the lunch dates and weekend hangouts. And after careful observation, I’ll pass on the friendships. These women aren’t scandolous and rude but…they wag their tongues a wee bit too much. Hey, to each his own but I can’t deal with people who gossip negatively and then hang out with the person they’re talking about. One chick said, “Eww, she thinks we’re friends but I’d never be friends with someone like her. She’s ughh.” The next day those two were laughing and going to lunch. HUH?

How mean! Even if you thought that about someone, why would you mention it to someone else? I guess she’s trying to influence others to think the same way she does. That annoys me. I bet they gossip about me. I don’t care too much because i’ll never find out since I don’t hang in the gossip circle. Give me an assignment and I’ll hand it back. That’s all I’m there to do. They are genuinely good hearted people it’s just it seems to be a cultural thing to talk shit and make faces when someone leaves the room. That really hurts me to see them do that hence my decision to stay away unless it’s work related.

Regardless I try to stay positive and cheerful in all situations at my job. I can tell even THIS annoys some people. Oh well, some days I’m in a zone and it’s just me, Kanye’s delightful voice and my computer and that’s all I really need.

Last night I went out to that Buppie mixer on South Beach and it was pretty nice. Ofcourse Marsha flaked out on me. You can’t depend on chicks these days. Thank goodness I don’t mind going out by myself or else I’d always be in the house waiting for the phone to ring.

I drove up to the spot and I knew it was the right place because I saw Black men and women entering wearing suits. The valet approached my car with a smile. “How much is it?” I asked him. “$10” “Hell naw!” I said and drove away.

I put 4 quarters in the meter and closed my door. I’m on the phone with the editor of the e-zine I’m working for and I politely excused myself from the conversation.

I say hi to the doorman and brace myself for my entrance.

Since I’m about to enter a room full of young Black professionals that do not know me from Eve I have to strut. I’m wearing my gray blazer and a short black dress with black heels. I pause at the doorway, pulll my shoulders back, put on my I-have-a-secret-and-you-know-you-want-to-know-what-it-is smirk and I high step into the room like I’m in the final 3 of the America’s Next Top Model competition and I’m doing the runway challenge! I smile at all of my future fans and say hello to a man standing near the bar.

I find the person who invited me and I wait for him to wrap up his conversation. While I’m waiting I introduce myself to the people around me and engage a woman in conversation. It turns out that she works for a MAGAZINE as the Marketing Director. BLING! I shoot her my card and she returns the favor.

“I think I may have come here tonight just to meet you because I am a writer and I’m very passionate about it,” I tell her.

She smiles. “Well, we’re always looking for new contributing writers, please get in touch with me about that and I’ll see what I can do.”

TRUUUUUEEE!!!

She sees that the CEO I’m waiting for is done with his conversation and she introduces me.

Peep how we met. At the end of last year while taking the Heiress’s challenge I decided that I wanted to meet more Black professionals. What better place to start than with the local African American chapter of the Chamber of Commerce. So I looked them up and found the CEO’s biography. I sent him a HELLO email and he wrote me back asking me to give him a call sometime.

I called him and we had a very easy going conversation at the end of which he invited me to their monthly mixer. Ofcourse I had to accept. ~hollup I just remembered to send both of them follow-up emails telling them that it was nice to meet them. Ok. That’s done~

I spoke with two more people during the evening. I find it quite easy to introduce myself to strangers and chat with them about any given subject because I believe I am intelligent and I always have something positive to add to any conversation. As long as the women are nice, I’m cool. Once I see someone who is showing her insecurity by giving me dirty looks I know to stay away and allow her to burn up on the inside FAR AWAY from me. Why do women do that? Why can’t we celebrate each other? This really bothers me.

So I glance at my cell phone and notice that the time on my meter is almost up. I say goodbye to the people I met and head on out. I’m on my way to meet with the woman from Trick’s label since I’m already on South Beach. By the time I reach her she is standing outside and she calls my phone as I pull up. “Hey, why don’t you join us for dinner?”

I follow her and her friend to a restaurant in the middle of the South Beach shops called Pasha’s. It’s very windy out and I’m slightly freezing in my little dress but I pretend like I’m fine as we walk 3 blocks from the parking lot to the restaurant. She has a guy with her who is kinda cute but not in a ‘damn lemme holla’ type of way. More of a brotha type although I know that women probably eat him up because he’s tall, light skinned, clean cut and drives a nice truck.

As we’re walking toward the restaurant we all stop and stare as two FINE ASS, scrumptious looking men walk by- HOLDING HANDS! They were gripping them shits tight too!

DAMNNN!!!!

I immediately thought of Dizyaboy and how beautiful he is and how I can’t understand how he could like men. Seriously, ALL of Diz’s friends are fine as hell too and if MTV weren’t the way it is, you know, showcasing all of those shows like NEXT where they have 4 gay men trying to date other gay men I would not believe that these men were really gay. How can a BLACK man THAT FINE be gay?

I don’t understand it. It’s so unreal to me. I’ve never had any gay male friends (that would admit it) so I’m blown away by all of the Black gay bloggers out there. And they are SOOOO FINE!!! SO FINE! I think they’re playing a trick on me. They’re not really gay. It must be a front or something. ~shakes head~ Why are they out to confuse me?

We sit and enjoy some steak and chicken over the softest, sweetest rice I’ve had in ages. She gives me the number to the A&R so that I can arrange to meet the artists and write their bios. I’m nervous because like I said earlier, “I don’t know NAYTHIN about music.” I’m afraid it will show inmy writing but if I keep getting opportunities to write in the entertainment industry then I’m going to take them.

Please, be careful what you pray for. At the end of 2005 I prayed long and hard asking God, “Please God, just give me the OPPORTUNITY to write and showcase what I can do. I PROMISE I’ll make you proud and be faithful with my gift.”

Now, I’m SWAMPED with freelance work! In fact, I sent a query to an editor I met at the nail salon and she e-mailed me today asking me to go ahead with the story idea as a trial. I’m nervous because all of this other writing I’m doing is just for the clips and the networking opportunities but this one is PAID. Maybe one day soon I’ll be able to call myself a professional ~paid~ writer.

One day soon.

Very soon. If I can get more disciplined about finishing my projects instead of waiting until the night before.

I have BIG plans in the works and I want you all to be a part of it, so stay tuned and get excited!

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You have to check out e-Wine and Words, an online book society that caters to the sophisticated book lover in you. We’re in very humble beginnings but like anything that I put my hands in, it’s going to become larger than life. Just ask Ms. Serenity or C2A my partners in this project.

Taste Buds

It’s been quiet for the past two weeks.

No name calling and no put downs. No arguments and no criticisms. No one yelled at me or told me I was a bad mother. No one sent me any nasty emails or was rude to me in my own house.

I feel so…free.

Imagine always having to be on the defensive because you expected an assault. Sometimes I would be in a bad mood in anticipation of seeing my children’s father. What is he going to say today? What will he have to complain about this time? What am I doing wrong now?

Now, it’s just…quiet.

I can hear myself think.

Some days I can hear his voice clearly. He’s telling me that I’m ugly. He’s saying that I’m not worth anything and that no man will ever want me. He’s reminding me that I will never meet anyone who is tighter than him. I have to shake myself when I hear that. I have to remind myself that I can not allow that ghost to haunt me any longer.

I’m free.

I can’t believe it. I actually thought that I would be beaten down by his words forever. I never thought he would stop. I never thought I had the power to stop him. I hope I never see him again.

I feel like maybe now, without his voice and his words, maybe I can begin to deal with me. Maybe now I can start to see the woman that God made and appreciate myself more.

Even though I have watched all of my friends begin and end relationships countless times while I hold nothing more than booty call status with every man that is lucky/unlucky enough to come into my life, I’m still a good person. I’m just misguided in that particular area.

Everyone has something to say about my attitude towards men but I don’t think you can talk someone into changing their life. You can plant the seed and wait, but any more than that will be detrimental to your hopes for them. They may feel like you’re nagging them or worse, not accepting them for who they are at the present time.

Wow. This is a new feeling to me. It’s kinda scary because without his words, I have to define myself for myself.

I decided yesterday that I’m not going to look for a church to go to. Mostly because of the consistent nagging I get from friends about it. I don’t want to feel like I’m going just to please them. They should know that the best way to get me NOT to do something is to tell me that I need to do it. I’m obstinate that way.

I know they say it out of a good heart and because they want to see me healed and whole but when I think of going to church that is not what I think of. When I think of church I think of pressure and judgement and not being good enough for the crowd.

I’m free of one monster, I don’t want another right now. Right now I’m content to pray and chill with God like I chill with my friends, one on one and at my own pace.

Different people have completely different recipes for spaghetti but they all have a hunger for the same basic taste. Let me have my spaghetti the way I like it, with some sausage and turkey instead of ground beef and Italian sausage sauce by Ragu. Just because you don’t like it that way, doesn’t mean it isn’t satisfying to me. As long as I’m getting my nutrients you should be happy for me, and if you think I’m missing a key ingredient you can offer it to me when I stop by your place. Tell me all about it and allow me to sample it, but don’t force it on me if I think it’s too spicy.

Your taste buds are different from mine but as along as we are both full and happy at the end of the meal we can both smile and rest peacefully.

I’m enjoying my peace right now.

When or if God is ready to show me a new way to satisfaction He will.

Trust Him.

Because I surely do.

Share My Dream

There are many who have kept up with my blog for the entire 2 years that I have been writing and I am grateful for people like you. Others have joined in and Shared My World at some point during that time and have somehow grown attached to me, my story and my plight.

This week I want to share my vision with you as I move forward in aggressively pursuing my destiny.

My life has been nothing short of a miracle. Having survived years of abuse and self sabotage I am finally experiencing my awakening. My greatest hope as I share the intimate details of my life is that someone, somewhere would see a part of themselves in me and grasp even a portion of the strength that God has given me to move forward and dream even bigger than any person on earth has dared to dream.

My ultimate goal is to become a World Inspiration Leader. I’m not afraid to speak that aloud because I believe in the power of God and I believe in the gift that He has given me. I believe that I have the wisdom, the drive and the favor to succeed at encouraging and inspiring others to pursue their passions as they seek their purpose in life.

My heart will forever be touched by the stories of Single Mothers who want to be better mothers and friends. I hope that my struggle has challenged you in some way and I want you to realize that I am still on my journey toward righteousness so please excuse any ideas or attitudes that may not reflect God’s light. I plan to develop a fund which will be an aid to Single Mothers who need financial help for school, daycare or basic living necessities.

I have a heart for celebrities. For some reason I identify with their drive, their tenacity and also their struggle for acceptance and security. Regardless of their fame they all have something in common with us common folk; they need love too. I hope to be able to become a friend to many and a trusted motivator to those in need of encouragement.

I want to raise wonderful sons who respect themselves and others and also respect the Earth and it’s inhabitants. I teach my sons that it is their responsibility to change the world and make it a better place. I challenge them to think of ways to use their gifts to make others happy.

By and large I’m not a perfect person but I know that God lives within me and He has made me a person who strives to see others happy and fulfilled. While my heart is geared towards helping others achieve their goals and realize their full potential, I am sure that God will take care of all of my needs. I hope that others will take on this attitude. By making it a priority to be a blessing to others instead of concentrating on selfish desires, this world will see a massive change.

Today I ask you to unite with me in making a difference in this world. I can’t achieve my goals alone, I need your support. I am poised to move on to the next level in my quest to uplift and encourage. Their are several key elements that I need to move my vision forward and I hope that you will offer whatever support you feel comfortable with.

All this week I will be taking a look back at the journal entries that have helped define the woman that I am today as well as sharing a few other surprises with you to better help you understand who I am and where I am going.

In the immediate future I plan to build a newer, more professional website which showcases my writing, my blog and lots of other exciting avenues aimed to share the ideas of attaining righteousness and concern for all mankind while enjoying life to the HILT in the process!

The Cute Group has been solicited to design the website. They have quoted me the following fee:

Professional Website Design $150/no flash
Website hosting $5.95 a month/ $70 per year
Website domain name $12 a year

Please take a look at my WISH LIST. It lists some of the tools that I need to make my journey to accomplishing my goals easier.

In addition to the items on my wish list. The following items/services may be donated to my Share My Dream fund:

Business Cards
Stationary
File Folders
Babysitting
Housekeeping Services
Sidekick Phone

If anyone knows someone who could mentor me in the areas of publishing, writing and speaking I would greatly appreciate it.

Letters of encouragement, knowledge and general wisdom are also suitable donations.

Every person that donates money, a good or a service will receive a personal Thank You letter from me as well as have their name and/or picture listed on the SUPPORTERS page of my new website.

Thank you for Sharing My World for the past two years. Please share in my dream by contributing if your life has in any way been touched by my stories.

No gift is too small or insignificant.

Believe in me.

Watch me grow.

Share in my success.
Paypal me: ptygrneyez@yahoo.com
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Love,Ms. Tee

Satisfaction NOT Guaranteed

It’s weird how things happen and you don’t understand why until you take a look back and see things as God sees them.

I have always had this problem at every job I’ve ever had. I never fit in. Never. Once I got fired from a job because I didn’t fit in. Yep, that’s what the manager told me. I think it’s my non chalant attitude about interacting with people. I don’t feel like I have to talk to you and be friends with you just because we work together. I also have dealt with a lot of pain in my life so I am sure it was transferred into my attitude by me acting like no one could penetrate my force field and get close to me.

I’m stand offish, I know it. But it’s only when I see qualities in someone that are less than desireable like pettiness or gossip. I HATE negative gossip. Sometimes I can’t believe that grown people will sit around and talk shit about someone for FUN. Is that all you have to talk about? Is there nothing more important to discuss than someone else’s misfortune? Does it really matter?!!! LOL! I’m sorry, I’m stressed.

But I realized that everytime I get a job, it’s never what I REALLY want to do with my life, but I take it because it pays the bills and I’m a responsible adult, right? After a while I get into this groove and I’m considering just chilling and hanging in there for a while. I start to settle and imagine myself there long term. I used to ask myself, “Damn if you’re doing your J-O-B, why does it matter that you don’t hang with them?” But it does. People want everyone to join in on the hate-fest. It’s much more fun when everyone is being bitchy and gossiping as a family.

Except I never join in those reindeer games.

And thats where the heat comes in.

And that’s when they decide as a group that they’d be better off if I weren’t there. And that’s when the comments get even more rude. The stares get even more blatant and the attitudes start to flare. They start to do their best to let me know that I am not welcome even though my job performance won’t allow them to fire me. I can ignore it all for a while but… I start to realize that I can’t work like that forever. It’s as if as SOON as I get comfy, God turns up the heat and I have to make a move.

Sometimes I feel as though I’m being PUSHED out and into the next thing. Which always turns out to be a good thing since I learn so much from every job I take. If I didn’t know my purpose in life I’d be devastated after being disconnected time and time again at every place of employment.

Because I know where my talent lies and that this is not the end for me I gain solice in that. How can I allow myself to become stagnant in a job that I KNOW is not for me? I don’t think God will allow that.

I know He won’t.

I will never be comfortable and complete at work until I’m fulfilling my purpose which happens to be connected to a career. Some people’s careers aren’t related to their purpose in life so they can stay at a job and prosper. But for those of us with passions related to earning income and using that income for His glory, well, we’ll forever be discontent until we acheive our dreams.

Here’s to me, finally achieving my dream career and being so content that it’s no longer WORK but fulfilling my purpose in life.

Don’t give up, ma.

It’s coming.

It’s coming.

Continue to be faithful where you are and open to change. Until you achieve your dream you’re not going to be satisfied, so don’t expect to be.

Sacrilege?

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According to D Listed Kanye West will appear on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine in a depiction of Jesus Christ. Hmm…

My first thoughts were, ~giggle~ “He crazy.”

Then I realized why my friend sent me this link. She wanted to hear my thoughts as to whether I found this offensive. Her ol’ instigating behind! ~smile~ But I see her point.

As a woman of God and a lover of Christ I guess I am supposed to be offended but I’m not. The comments made by kanye as reported by DListed in the upcoming issue are no different from his usual brazen interview style.

“I’m the most controversial artist this year,”

“I’m saying that as an observation, not as a stunt; from the outside looking in, you know?”

He deserves to be on the cover, because:”You should give it to me because I’m doing my job,”

“I’m making good music, and it’s interesting and changing the world and everything, so you put me on the cover. I appreciate it. I don’t want to come off, like, ungracious, but I feel like I had to fight to get on these covers.”

Hello! Is anyone listening?

He’s telling the TRUTH.

When did being honest become a crime?

When did having an opinion become a crime?

When did believing in yourself become a crime?

Sometimes I think people are just itching for a reason to dislike Kanye. They are yearning for a reason to discount him as a good human being because secretly, they don’t want him to get his shine on. They’re jealous and insecure because a man has come along who recognizes his own worth and is not afraid to pat himself on the back.

Do you not think that Kanye knows exactly what he is doing when he makes those bold comments and poses in controversial pictorials? Do you want to know what he’s doing? He’s being himself. But people don’t appreciate someone who dares to be themselves. We want the fantasy of celebrity. We want the hype that surrounds the success but not the reality behind it.

Yes, Kanye posed in a depiction of Jesus Christ but let’s take a look at that idea shall we.

Jesus Christ came to tell the Truth.

Jesus Christ’s presence shook the world.

Jesus Christ was persecuted for doing what God sent him to this Earth to do.

Jesus Christ’s words changed the way people acted and affected their thoughts.

Kanye came and tells the Truth.

Kanye’s presence has shaken the world.

Kanye is being dogged out because he is doing what God sent him to this Earth to do.

Kanye’s work has affected the way people think and the way they regard music as a whole.

Oh my GOSH!

Did this chick just compare Kanye to JESUS?!!!

Sacrilege!

No she didn’t!!!

~rolling my neck and eyes simultaneously~

Yes.

I.

Did.

Aren’t we all supposed to compare ourselves to Jesus?

Didn’t Jesus come to set an example for us?

Shouldn’t we all strive to be more like Him? (Jesus)

Hot gossip will get you all the attention. Kanye knows that and is willing to be a sacrifice himself to gather the attention he needs to get his message out. If you listen carefully you will hear a message of hope and the reality of recognizing the root of the problems we face. Celebrities have a distinctive opportunity that even the most passionate advocate doesn’t have. They have the public by the ear lobe and many celebrities are not using their power wisely. Instead of promoting themselves or immoral behavior I believe that celebrities should use their status to bring awareness to worldwide issues and provoke action and healing in our lives.

Some celebrities get it. Others don’t. It’s a privelege to have power like that. To whom much is given, much is required.

If you don’t get it, maybe you’re not supposed to. I’ve always felt that REAL people recognize REAL people. Just like GAME recognizes GAME.

As the realist person I know, I have to say that this man is the genuine article. He may not have been sent to save the world but the One who sent him has a purpose for his presence and it will not be denied.

Every genius that walked this earth has had opposition despite the truth of the magnificence of their work. But I wouldn’t call Kanye a genius. I’d call him; fearless. He is fearless enough to be different and develop his own style and not wait around for someone to believe in him before he set out to achieve his goals. He is fearless enough to speak from a place in his spirit that so many people try to deny.

Kanye will forever be one of the most talked about entertainers both positively and negatively because people hate on others who do things that they are unable to do. The REAL artists will give props to the man who has stepped up his game challenging them to step up their game. They aren’t AFRAID to be challenged because they believe in their art and they are always striving to be better.

The TRUE sign of an individual with a sad, sad life, is one who is constantly criticizing and putting others down. Get a life. Figure out your purpose, GRAB THAT and CELEBRATE, don’t HATE on others who have accomplished things that you don’t think are possible to achieve in your lifetime.

Unless ofcourse, you’re a gossip columnist and your job is to poke fun, then make sure you at least spell his name right.

K-A-N-Y-E!!

Thank you very much.

A Change Gonna Come

Yesterday I got a phone call that I never expected to get.

“Hello.”

“Hi, Ms. Tee, this is Ms. Jackson from XYZ Elementary School. How are you?”

“Just fine. Is my son okay?”

“Yes he is. He’s fine. It’s just.. He has been really misbehaving lately to the point where I would call it Out of Control. He won’t sit down in his seat. He won’t walk in a straight line. He talks all the time with his friends. And his posture is horrible. When I ask him to do something he looks at me and says, “Ok.” but he doesn’t do it.”

“Wow. He’s not like that at home.”

“Well, I’d like to meet with you at school for a conference. He’s too brilliant for this!”

“Sure, I’ll be there in the morning, first thing.”

“Good. See you tomorrow.”

After receiving a phone call like this, I expected to feel anger or disappointment in my son. But really, I felt disappointed in myself. I went over in my mind all of the things that I say to him and do for him to help him to do the right thing and here he was, actin up at school. He never acts up too much. He’s just very active.

I even went so far as to tell him, “I want you to treat people how I treat you. Would I call you names or hit you when you make me mad?” I try to be an example. I talk to him and talk to him.

That phone call made me want to cry. Not only because it is embarrassing for your child to act up with strangers, it’s just…damn…I don’t even know how to handle this.

What can I do, punish him? Take away his books? His favorite thing to do is read. He tries to hide books under the covers at night so he can sneak and read them after I send him to bed. He also likes to color. Throw away his crayons?

~shrugs~

I have never understood my mother more than I understand her now. This parenting thing doesn’t come with instructions. What works for your child may not work for mine. I am going to talk to him once again about his behavior and explain to him that it is not pleasing to me or to God. I wonder if he’ll care…

I don’t know what goes on inside that tiny head of is. When he’s with me hes the sweetest thing. He really is. I don’t know what happens to him at school.

My mind says he may be bored at school since his kindergarten class is still learning letters and putting sounds together and this boy can read books. So, I called the school and asked to have him tested for gifted and they said they’d send the paperwork home with him.

I hope it doesn’t happen again. I have too much drama going on in my head with all of these editors I’m stalking and stories I’m writing.

You won’t believe this but, uh, the first story I submitted for the Bahiyah website was REJECTED! LOL! I wrote it like I write my blog and the editor said it was too aggressive.

I had to laugh. Yeah, my writing is not made for TV. So I wrote a little safe piece on how sororities are beneficial and they accepted it for publication. YAY!

I have so many more stories to tell, but they’ll have to wait because my body feels like it is giving out on me. I need a vacation from work. It’s affecting my work. But everytime I ask to take some time, my Director tells me it’s not a good time. So I’ve been working there for a full year and have watched EVERYBODY take vacation (summer break and Christmas) in my department while I have to stay there and be the back-up.

~sigh~

I talked to my director about it and she STILL said it’s not time because she’s going out of town, blah blah blah…

Having two weeks of vacation means absolutely nothing if I can’t use them…

Grrrr……..

I’m annoyed.

Funky Stuff

I can’t believe my best friend TAMARA finally got hooked up.

Not with a man, with YAHOO MESSENGER! YAY! I think it was a year ago that she finally started using her email regularly and now this! What is this world coming to? This chick moved to Atlanta and hooked up DSL, so a few days ago I talked her through signing up for the YAHOO IM. We’ve been doing the PC to PC chatting for hours at a time while we do things around the house. It’s lovely!

We were discussing my blog one night and how different commentors responded to my Kanye post. I laughed a lot while she thought some people were just confused because, “They don’t really know you, Tee. You talk like that about people all the time.”

Yeah. I had to pause a minute. She’s so right.

In my eyes none of my friends are ‘ordinary people’. Every one of them are SUPERSTARS. When I think of my girls I see the magic in them I see the glory in them. I never see the flaws or the failures. The part of them that is most shiny and most admirable is what I focus on and I remain in awe of every woman close to me. It’s not because they’re super beautiful or super focused, it’s because there is a shining star in everyone and I choose to pinpoint that quality and magnify it out loud every chance I get.

When I have a friend or there’s someone I support I am without a doubt in their corner. No one can say ANYTHING negative about them in my presence because then I will turn into the old Ms. Tee who would have her ‘fits’ and go off on people.

To be supported by me means you always have someone who is singing your praises and going to bat for you when you need it most. I’ll help you dream. I’ll be on your team. I’ll be the WHOLE team if I have to be, in hopes that one day you achieve true happiness. Whatever that may mean to you.

Recently I’ve defined success as the completion of your goals. (I’m always redefining it). However significant or insignificant your goal may be, once you’ve achieved it, you are successful. Although this may seem to take the thunder out of the word SUCCESS, this concept is really a tool that will help you to celebrate yourself more. We are often so hard on ourselves that we never achieve happiness. We bog ourselves down with rules and deadlines as we seek to conform to other’s ideas of what we should be.

I believe true happiness comes when we define ourselves for ourselves. What makes you happy? Is it wearing granny panties everyday although you know your man doesn’t want to see that? Well, make a choice, are you more concerned with his happiness or yours? Sometimes it is okay to compromise for our partners. If more people would consider their mate when making decisions and have their mate consider them when making decisions, relationships would go a lot smoother. But always know that without that person you still are going to be you.

Imagine leaving a relationship and shedding all of those expectations placed on you by your ex. Imagine the relief. Whew! I don’t have to eat with my napkin in my lap anymore. Oh my gosh..I just realized that I never liked smoke, I only tolerated it because of him.

Why can’t we go into relationships knowing ourselves and being comfortable with that? We build these super perfect images in our minds of how we should be and we strive for it wholeheartedly having the desire to be perfect but no woman ever will be. So we put on the pretense that we are. We hide our flaws. We wear our make up. We suck in our bellies during sex. We hide our beer habits and our true desires because we’re afraid that if a man were to see who we REALLy were, they’d run like crazy.

I just want to be me.

Not saying to relax in your mess and succumb to bad habits, we should always strive for excellence. But in doing so, remember to celebrate who you are at all times. The good, the bad and the funky stuff because if you don’t no one else will.

I’m getting comfortable with the funky stuff. I don’t feel like I’m so bad after all.

Sometimes I feel like my way of thinking is soooo way off that no one will ever feel me. Sometimes I think I’m crazy. And sometimes, I just feel okay with myself.

One thing I do wish, I wish I wasn’t so frustrated all the time. It’s a fight to NOT define myself by society’s standards. It’s a struggle to accept that I don’t want to conform and I will not conform. Naw, I’m not one of those hairy legs and buckwheat under arms chicks, but, I feel like one inside.

~smile~