My Personal Blog from 2003 to 2011
Blessings
This year is going to be the most life-altering ever. Unhealthy habits will be broken. Attitudes will be adjusted. Goals will be attained. Love will heal and bloom.
This is the year for reconciliation and re-focusing.
Be prepared for God to show off by showering you with His love.
Expect a miracle.
We suffer in silence.
Primarily because everyone around us is telling us that we are being weak because we can’t stand up for ourselves. We don’t think anyone will believe our stories, so we rarely tell. We shield ourselves from the judging eyes and pity by pretending everything is okay.
But then, after the kids are asleep, the dishes are put away and the house is silent, we are left to deal with the ramifications of the spirit killer.
Emotional abuse.
Verbal abuse.
They come in many different names but the result is still the same. They attempt to break you down by using their words to diminish your spirit.
I’ve dealt with verbal/emotional abuse all of my life. It started with my parents then moved on to my children’s father and then after much trauma and heartache I realized that I had dealt with various levels of spiritual abuse at my former church home.
What makes me so susceptible to people who seek to control me and kill my spirit? Do I seek them out? Can they recognize me in a crowd?
I try to run away but I just repeat my mistakes with different faces.
From having to hear, “you’re worthless” to being told, “maybe one day you’ll be worthy to wear my name” to learning from my old church home that strict obedience to our Pastor is the same as being obedient to God- all situations where I yearned to do right and please others, but in the end I ended up being taken for a fool.
The difficult part to grasp is, I don’t know how to stop it. In fact, some of my friends blame me for allowing it to go on. One friend said, “You teach people how to treat you. And you taught him that this is acceptable. He’ll never stop.”
After hearing words like that, I just kept the abuse to myself
I received the following email from my children’s father tonight. This is a follow-up to a conversation where he told me that a nanny could care for the kids in the same way I do.
YOU ARE A DISGRACE. YOU ARE WORSE THAN A NANNY. AT LEAST THE NANNY WOULD TAKE THE PARENTS MONEY TO SPEND ON THE CHILD. YOU WON’T EVEN DO THAT!
YOU DON’T HAVE THE TIME TO GET SHIRTS FOR SCHOOL, WHICH I WILL PAY FOR, YET YOU CAN WRITE ON THE WEB EVERY DAY?! YOU CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS, BUT YOU CAN AFFORD TO GO TO A KANYE WEST CONCERT AND BUY A CAMCORDER?!
YOU CAN’T AFFORD A BASKETBALL NET, YET HAVE THE NERVE TO THREATEN TO THROW AWAY THE ONE I BOUGHT FOR MY SON?! YOU ARE A LOSER!
NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I MET ANYONE SO CONCERNED ABOUT THEMSELVES THAT THEY WOULD HURT THEIR CHILDREN.
LISTEN GOOD: YOU CAN’T HAVE ME AND NEVER DID! I NEVER LOVED YOU OR RESPECTED YOU, AND NOW I CAN’T EVEN STAND YOU! SO GET OVER IT, GROW UP, AND DO MORE THAN LIP SERVICE TO “RAISING MY CHILDREN”. YOU ARE PATHETIC, YOU LOOK HORRIBLE, AND WHAT’S WORSE IS THAT YOU CAN’T EVEN SEE IT. YES, I’M SAYING THIS TO HURT YOU, BUT ITS STILL TRUE! IT WON’T DO ANY GOOD HOWEVER BEACUSE YOU LACK THE CAPACITY FOR GROWTH. EVERYONE WHO KNOWS YOU, EVEN YOUR “FRIENDS” AGREE.
DESPITE THIS, I TAKE CARE TO SEE MY SONS GET THE BEST I CAN GIVE THEM. RATHER THAN YOU HELPING, YOU MAKE EXCUSES. I’VE BEEN TOLD YOU PROBABLY STILL HURT. I DON’T CARE, NEVER HAVE, NEVER WILL! I AM THE TIGHTEST DUDE YOU’LL EVER MEET, AND YOU ARE THE WORSE BROAD I EVER TOUCHED. GIVE IT UP!
ITS OK THOUGH!
EVERYONE IN THE WORLD CAN SEE HOW YOU TRY TO MANIPULATE ME BECAUSE IT IS THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN TOUCH ME. BUT YOU STILL CAN’T!! I STILL LEAD A WONDERFUL LIFE WITH MY WONDERFUL SONS WHO WILL LIKLEY GROW TO BE ASHAMED OF YOU AND THE WAY YOU BEHAVE! FOR YOUR SAKE, SO YOU DON’T GET IGNORED WHEN MY SONS COME TO STAY WITH ME, I SUGGEST YOU STOP BEING YOU, AND GROW INTO SOMETHING BETTER. (ONLY HOPEFUL)
YOU ARE PTITFUL PERSON, AND IT HURTS ME THINK THAT YOU WILL PROBABLY ALWAYS BE. THANK GOD HE DIDN’T GIVE YOU A DAUGHETR OF MINE. GOD FORBID THERE BE A WOMAN LIKE YOU IN THE WORLD WHO HAS MY LAST NAME. I’LL DROP OF MY SON’S SHIRTS TOMORROW AFTER I MAKE TIME TO GO GET THEM.
This wasn’t the first letter like this. I have many more with the same spirit. I face this spirit so often that I live in a zombie like state.
He reads this blog. He knows my thoughts, my fears, my mistakes, my hopes in the same way all of you do. I could spend all night debating his claims but there is no need to. No matter what happens he will find a way to criticize and try to hurt me. When I become a millionaire he will still have negative things to say, I have accepted that. It doesn’t mean it no longer hurts.
People say I need to curse him out, key his car, fight him and all this nonsense. But it’s really not my style. Anna says that he will continue to abuse me in this way because he knows I will not fight back.
I do fight back. But not in the way that he wants me too.
I fight with prayer. I have been for many years.
He was the same way when we were together. He would whisper insults in my ear and walk away. “If I wasn’t going home with you tonight, I’d be fucking her!”
I’d flip out and cuss and fuss and people would only see my reaction. They never saw or heard a word he said. So I’m the one looking like a deranged fool.
I don’t want this man dead, I want him healed and delivered from whatever it is that is making him be so horrible to me.
It seems like my prayers are not being heard because he has not changed yet but I KNOW that the God I love will rescue me from this monster. His words make me question myself all the time. And you wonder why I hate men? If all of the men I look up to abuse me, how can I trust again?
Sometimes I get weary from holding on in faith. I try to stay positive and remind myself that no matter what comes from him, I have two wonderful boys who love their mother. So I know all males aren’t bad.
I wanted this year to begin on a positive note but it seems like the harder you try to do right, the more shit you are given.
Why do you even care, Ms. Tee? I don’t give a damn what my Baby Daddy says about me.
I don’t know. All I know is that I wish I had a chance to heal, but it’s impossible when the person who hurt you is constantly stabbing you again and again.
I want to trust again. I want to love again.
I believe God will do that for me.
I believe God wants to give me a testimony for others to see!
He is real and He cares about me.
I won’t be in this state for much longer.
In Jesus name.
Today Is a Special Day
May your year be filled with wonderful surprises that make you cry with joy!
A Message
This message may not be for you. Or it just might be.
I believe I’m going through this rough patch for a reason. Lately I’ve been battling those old demons that tell me to believe what the men in my life have told me versus what God says about me. I hear their harsh words over and over in my mind and I have to FIGHT to get my affirmations through.
See, because I can’t physically fight and I constantly questioned my worth I always considered myself to be weak. I considered my successes to be a fluke and I knew that one day, everyone would be able to see the REAL me and then they would disappointed. The reason I am open like I am is because I don’t want to hide who I really am. I’m hoping that you will see me for who I am in and out of the spotlight. I’m secretly hoping that you will hate me too which will mean that the people closest to me who have always criticized and demeaned me were right about me. Then everything would make sense. Then I wouldn’t be in conflict because the me I know is a good person with good intentions who sometimes makes bad choices BUT I’m nowhere near the dispensible woman that they say I am.
You won’t let me believe them.
Because I have so many people who love me and are affected by my words I am in a constant battle with their definition of who I am versus my own. Some say I’m weak, insecure and worthless but I see something that they don’t see.
What weak person could stand under the pressure of YEARS of abuse and still smile, still be an amazing parent, still hope and dream? A weak person would choose death before enduring another day when the men who mattered most constantly predicted a bleak future for me. It is very important what we feed our children. The words we speak to them now will affect them for the rest of their lives. If you are constantly screaming and telling them that they are bad, they will be.
If you continually brush them off as annoyances, they will become an annoyance to society. Because I was constantly told that I wasn’t shit, I grew up to believe it. I hid it as best I could but as fate would have it, right now, this very day I am faced with a decision.
Do I give up or grow up?
No one is going to come to my rescue.
I don’t have a man to come stand with me and guide me through this. I have to make a choice.
Life or death.
Sit down and shut up or stand up and live.
There’s no sense in rehashing the past if it will not bring any closure to the future. Yes, I have been told time and time again that no one will ever love me and I am pathetic but there’s a voice inside me, however tiny, which screams that these are assholes sent to destroy my mission on this earth.
For my kids I will stand. For you I will stand. For every e-mail I get from emotional readers who have gone through what I am going through or has a bestfriend who is going through it now. I will stand, I will fight. For you. For my sons.
I am going to figure this shit out. I am going to get to the bottom of why some days I can’t eat or sleep with a constant recording of all the negative words spoken to me over the years, all the criticisms, playing in my mind over and over again.
This is not a joke. Just because you may have never experienced this doesn’t make it less important or silly.
I will come through this. I will share what it takes to get past this.
I refuse to lie down. I refuse to give up. I refuse to believe their words over God’s words. I wish I didn’t have this battle but it is mine. And I am open to the struggle. These arms are held strong by God’s promises. They are for ME. He meant ME too!
I will get up from this declaring victory.
Even if I can’t see how, I will still claim it everyday. This is not the end for me.
This is not the end for you.
New Addictions
Please listen.
Don’t try it, not even ONCE or I promise you will be hooked. It’s worse than crack and has less, um, side effects but there shouldn’t be ANYTHING that has control over you like this does.
Yes, I’m talking about MYSPACE!
I’m sure you’ve heard of it. Soli got me hooked and ever since I can’t, like, think right. Or even function..properly cuz um, I’m having too much damn fun!
Blackplanet– BLAH!
FACEBOOK– YAWN!
MySpace- THE SHIZNIT!!!
Since logging on there I have met up with some OLD friends from way back when. I mean BACK WHEN I was a size FOUR! Whoa! Yeah, that was so long ago. ~smile~
I even hung out with my friend Jessica who was my little sweetie back in school. Jessica was a freshman when I was a senior but she was such a cute kid and a good sport. Even during ‘Senior Snob Day’ when all of the seniors refused to speak to underclassmen she didn’t get too mad at me. During Senior Week we had an ‘Adopt an Underclassman Day’ where we adopted underclassmen and dressed like twins. Weren’t we cute? The other two in the pic are my bestfriend Anna and her underclassman.
So Jesse calls me and invites me to come hang out with her.
“Do you ever take the kids out?” she asks. Jesse has 3 kids, 2 georgeous girls and a 3 month old baby boy.
“Yeah, I take them out. What do you wanna do?”
“Well on Sunday nights I take the kids to the club with me.”
“THE CLUB?!!!”
She laughs. “Yeah girl. The club. It starts at 5pm and ends at 8pm and everybody brings their kids and all the little kids dance and have dance contests with prizes and everything!”
“Hahahahahaaa!!! Stop lying!”
“I’m not. We’ll go and you’ll see.”
“How much is it?”
“If you bring your kids, it’s free. If you don’t it’s $10.”
LMAO!!!
“You know what? I HAVE to go, just for the sake of going to see what kind of club you can take your kids to. I’ll call you tomorrow at 5.”
I told my sons we were going to a party. They were soo excited! Early on Sunday we had a playdate with the neighbors across the street. I felt so bad because I went over there and fell asleep on the couch while the kids were in the backyard playing. I woke up drooling and looking around. The kids Mom just laughed and said, “Go ahead and relax.”
I didn’t even realize it was 5:00 until my kids came running in all joyful. “Whats up with ya’ll?” I asked them. “Mommy! It’s 5:00! Time for the party!”
We drove over to Jessica’s place to meet her family. She is doing very well since highschool. She has a nice place, a novio que es muy guapo (Dominican~drool~) and beautiful children. She was still bubbly, loud and rowdy and lots of fun.
We head on out to this club called Le Boulevard on 36th street. It’s a Latin club with a live band, plenty of room for dancing and delicious but overpriced food. It was so funny walking into a CLUB with my kids. But when I saw all the little kids dancing and running around and having a great time, I sat back and relaxed along with the other parents.
All ages were represented there. There were small kids like my boys, from 3-5 and then there were bigger kids and even teenagers. Ofcourse there were the 20 somethings standing on the sidelines and the older adults who came for the opportunity to shake their thangs. It seemed very much like a family atmosphere. But you know Latino’s look out for each other anyway.
My boys ran right along with the Latin kids, chasing each other and trying to step on the flashing lights and chase the smoke from the smoke machines. I smiled and watched everything from the sidelines. I didn’t even dance. I havent done the meringue or the bachata in so long. And I still can’t salsa so I just gave up on that.
I’ve always been intrigued by the Latin culture. Latin men are soo damn sexy to me. It’s rare that I see one that isn’t fine as hell. Yeah, I still don’t understand why I have YET to get me one of dem chicos! ~sigh~ Such is life!
I had a beautiful time and my boys did too.
I’ll have to go back again and take my little cousins, I know they will enjoy themselves.
All In My Head
I think about it over and over again
I fantasize often.
It is very, very relaxing to release the stress and allow myself to float away into the fantasy of what could be.
I dream of a spotless house. Coming home to a warm dinner and a hug, knowing there is no ring around the bathtub and I don’t have to iron clothes for the next day.
I dream of steak dinners like I used to make back when food stamps were plentiful.
I dream of a nice clean desk. Where did all this stuff come from and if I push it off the side will it disappear?
I dream of legalizing marijuana. Come on, how can you send somebody to jail for a dime bag? Aren’t there more important crimes being committed? A sista just wanna relax without worrying about it costing my whole future. I have too much on the line to indulge but I remember the days when….
I dream of being told, “Shut the f**k up!” while my hair is being yanked and I’m being pounded from behind.
I dream of computers that never get virus’s. No frozen screens or pop-ups.
I dream of buying some more bra’s some day.
I dream of opening my front door wide to a sly grin across a handsome face who declares, “I can’t stay long, I just wanted to see you and give you this,” as he hands me an order of hot wings and blue cheese. “And this…” he says as he gives me a big hug and walks away.
I dream of living in my dream home and having my bestfriends and their families over for a few days. My girls and I sitting outside on the patio sipping on hurricanes and reminiscing. One of them starts to cry as she says, “Tee, you always said you were gonna live like this. You never stopped believing and WOW, look at you!”
I dream of being able to pay my car insurance on time. Or my phone bill. Or my cable bill. Either one.
I dream of lazy days in front of the computer in my draws drinking Corona’s and simply allowing the magic to happen.
I dream of one day hearing, “I love you” and being whole enough to believe it.
I dream of sons who grow up saying, “I have the BEST MAMA!”
I dream of you and me relaxing together with no inhibitions and no insecurities and absolutely no clothes.
I dream of a Kanye West marathon and another amazing album.
I dream of death and the sweetness of the hereafter. I imagine God would give me a BIG hug and cry because He is so happy I made it.
I dream of standing in front of a sold out stadium delivering a message of healing and empowerment.
I dream of overpaying my house staff and my yard maintenance staff with special bonuses when the urge hits me.
I dream of a flat belly.
I dream of a steamy concoction of lust and love mixed with henessy and stirred with a spoon.
I am really happy right now. I’m excited about where I will be in the future but most importantly I can stand and say I’m proud of the woman I am today. I appreciate all that is within me.
I’m doing just fine.
Ride or Die
My day was sooo crazy!
I was so busy all day long because we have a big event coming up on the 21st. It’s our Campaign Kick-off and our Event Director is working overtime to make sure it’s elaborate and OFF THE CHAIN. Our theme is Premiere Night and we are turning our campus into a Hollywood Premiere complete with faculty coming dressed as celebrities to mingle with our guests.
Our Campaign goal is $10 million. So far we’ve raised a little over $6 million and our Director is doing a SUPERB job. She was BORN to be a fundraiser and so was our Annual Fund Director. They really make me proud.
This Monday I missed work because my son was sick and when I went back in on Tuesday someone was sitting at my desk. They hired someone temporarily to help out with our big event because we really need the help. It made me kinda nervous at first but then I thought, “Hey, if she’s here to take my job, GOOD LUCK TO HER!” My job is not difficult it is just tedious and never ending. I get all of the mundane tasks like stapling papers and making copies along with research and hosting parties. I pretty much do whatever they need me to help them with and I am paid pretty well for that so I don’t mind. I’m a well paid servant. LOL!
Things became even more exciting after work.
Last week my sorority sister emailed me asking me if I wanted to freelance for a Hip Hop website that is about to launch. Ofcourse I told her yes. So she told her editor about me and I was called with my first assignment. I was scheduled to interview some local artists during their photo shoot.
After feeding and bathing my sons I watched them walk out of the door with my little sister who was on her way to Bible Study and I gathered my portfolio and hopped into my car. My directions said the studio was in Plantation, Florida. Luckily I had just been up that way for my girl Marsha’s birthday dinner so I had some sense of direction as I hit I95.
By the time I found the house there were cars lined up back to back in the circular drive way. The house was huge and I touched a red brick before I knocked on the door.
“Hi, I’m Ms. Tee from XYZ website.” I introduced myself.
“Hey, I’m *local artist*, come right in.”
The house was beautiful. The studio was off to the left and the back patio overlooked a smooth lake. I introduced myself to the studio manager and he introduced me to one of the artists. We sat out on the patio for the interview and I fell in love. Not with the artist, who was pretty cute by the way, but with the interview process.
OH MY GOSH! I LOVE INTERVIEWING PEOPLE. I love hearing their stories and asking them personal questions and trying to get unique statements out of them. My first interview went well and he gave me a hug afterwards as he said goodbye. My second interview was with a producer who is working on Fat Joe’s new album. Funny how I don’t know a DAMN THANG about the music business so this interview process was beneficial to me.
After I wrapped up the second interview I waited for the editor to finish her interview. I walked over to the make-up artist as he prepared his make-up tray. I introduced myself to him and asked him a million questions about make-up and my style and what I can do to improve it. As the photographer set up his lighting equipment and took a few candid shots I asked him a few questions about how he came to be a photographer too! LOL! I know these people were like, “Why don’t this chick SHUT UP!” Well, I was very curious and I’m not afraid to ask questions so I did.
After bugging the photographer I wandered into the studio. The first booth was empty so I stepped inside. It looked like a tiny room, even smaller than a bathroom with just a microphone and a music stand to hold the lyrics. There was even a notebook with handwritten words on the stand. I scanned it and recognized the words ‘Grey Goose.’ I peered through the window of the little room and saw an even bigger room with all kinds of switches and stuff just like on TV.
I stepped close to the mic and said into it, “What’s up ya’ll this is your girl Ms. Tee in Mi-AMI!!!” I laughed and snuck back out of the room.
When the editor came out of the interview she smiled and thanked me for coming. She is beautiful. Beautiful long dreads and a pleasant demeanor.
“So, when do you want these pieces?” I asked her.
“As soon as possible,” she replied with a smile.
“Ok, I can do them by this weekend, Monday at the latest.”
“That’s great!”
“Is there anything else you need help with? I LOVE to write. No, for real. It’s my passion.”
“Well, now that you mention it. I have a friend who works for Trick Daddy’s foundation and she mentioned to me that she was looking for a house writer. If you’re just looking for clips that may be a good place to start. She needs someone to do artist biographies.”
“Yeah. I can do that!”
“Great. Let me give you her number and I’ll give her a call tomorrow morning to tell her to expect your call.”
“Thanks!”
I FLOATED all the way back to Miami. I barely remember driving. I am so excited! My next interview is next Tuesday. I’m interviewing one of the local radio personalities, I’m doing a personality profile. Yay!!!!
I got an even nicer surprise when I got home to check my messages. “Hi, this is XYZ from ABC corporation. I was forwarded your resume for our Marketing Coordinator position and I’d like to speak with you about it. Please give me a call at your earliest convenience.”
WOW!!!
Double WOW!!!
Just because things start out on a bad note, doesn’t mean they have to stay that way. Expect a miracle and you will surely receive one. My miracle is a joyful heart and freedom from the bondage of feeling like I don’t deserve happiness.
I do deserve it.
I will have it.
If someone does not see the good in me, that’s THEIR bad and THEIR problem. Anyone lucky enough to be on my team will prosper because I take care of those who love me. Point blank.
I’m going places and you have a choice, you can either ride or die.
MUCH LOVE!!!
Writing Ain’t Easy
I have the initial interview done and I can’t believe what a challenge it is to mold these random quotes into a story. Blogging has definately taken me off of my A-game but I’m not worried. My most mediocre work is better than what I see in some magazines. ~shrugs~ Just being real.
After the initial interview I put the skeleton of the story together by typing all of the quotes and stories and putting them on the screen for me to arrange. I usually start by taking out any weak or redundant quotes. Then I come up with an interesting lead sentence. Something that will make the reader want to read more. I try to pose a question without actually posing a question. I like to follow up the lead sentence with a visual to get the reader’s senses going.
Then I tell the story usually in pyramid format, which is a typical newspaper way to tell a story by placing the ending at the beginning of the story then going back to explain how that ending came to be.
I tell the story by choosing the strong quotes and connecting them with my own language and style.
For example, if the person said, “I like basketball because it soothes me.” And then they said, “Nothing like a slam dunk to get my blood rushing.”
I might write it like this:
He’s tried football, soccer and even lost his temper trying to learn golf, but nothing has proved quite as therapeutic as palming the lightweight orange ball. “I like basketball because it soothes me,” Jerrod said as he rested his chin atop a newly purchased Spaulding. But basketball has also given him a stamina that he never knew he had allowing him full use of his damaged lungs in a way that most asthma patients never get to enjoy. It’s as if the air up there repairs his condition. “Nothing like a slam dunk to get my blood rushing,” he says as he smiles up at the basketball net. In his case, basketball has saved his life.
See?
They give me the main indegredients to a story but I have to mix it together to create something edible, uh, readable.
Blogging is NOTHING like that. When I write on my blog it may take a while but the blog gets the first draft. It’s unedited, it’s raw.
So I’ve been up for hours working on my stories. My goal is to have them done by tomorrow night because I have other projects I’m working on including an article for one of my favorite sites called Bahiyah Woman who have just accepted me onto their writing team. YAY!
So I gotta run, I never want to deliver less than the best. These artists are depending on me to make them look good.
I’ll leave you with a clip of one of my college profiles. It’s a short one, but it’s sweet.
Bye Bye MySpace
I had to get the hell off of MySpace so I deleted my page late last night.
It was fun while it lasted but at some point you have to get tired of guys trying to holla at you online. I’ve been on BP for YEARS and that shit is soo old! There’s nothing you can say to me to make me want to meet you or be interested in you so unless you’re a published author or a writer. I don’t really have time to play, “let’s get to know each other”. For what? So you can try to come over and hit? Dude, I’m straight. I have a wealth of people I can call for that.
Besides the caliber of men on MySpace is sad. There was not ONE man on MySpace that I ran across who had accomplished ANY type of goal. They are all still in the process of trying to figure themselves out and while that is a very important step in the growth process ~yawn~ I’m over the desire to play the inspirational role in a man’s life. I don’t ever want to feel like I have to PUSH a man to want more for himself again.
Futhermore MySpace is an absolute waste of time. I have too many goals that I want to accomplish to spend time laughing at some random meme or wasting my brain cells entertaining someone who has nothing better to do with their time than write random strangers notes.
I’ve always been the type of person who wanted MORE for myself. I want to be a better person, I want to change lives, I want to make a positive impact on the WORLD, I want to be rich. I just can’t be around people who don’t at least want SOME of that.
My girl Anna says that everyone can’t have the same dream. She says everyone can’t be millionaires and I guess I agree. To me life is more than a party. It’s more than a designer handbag or a meeting the right man to marry.
For me life is a mission.
I will only get one life to try to make a difference in this world. I can’t waste it politickin with people who have no goals. The worst thing you can say to me is, “I have no plans for my future.” Immediate turn off.
I don’t see myself accomplishing what God has put in my heart to accomplish by rubbing elbows with petty people. I can’t just sit back and relax and frolick my youth away. There’s too much to be done. Too many people to reach. Too many people to encourage. I’ll take a break after I make my first million.
I feel like Mr. Schindler in Schindler’s List. Remember at the end when he stood outside with all of the Jews he saved from death in the Holocaust? He looked at each one of the workers he had purchased to work in his factory, a factory that never actually produced anything. He purchased them so that they would not die in the gas chambers. And even though he saved so many, he still noticed the ring on his finger and cried because he realized that if he had thought to sell it, he could have saved two more lives.
I have a burden on my heart. My heart says SAVE THEM. I want to rescue those who are imprisoned by the hatred of others. I want to rescue them from hating themselves. I don’t want another day to go by where someone is continuously being conditioned to hate themselves because the people in their life don’t know how to love. I want to rescue everyone from the feelings I experienced for the first 26 years of my life.
My mission is to love, to encourage and to help others build a better life for themselves. I know it sounds grand. I know it sounds far reaching but I honestly believe that I can do anything. There’s no difference between me and Maya Angelou or Oprah Winfrey or even Sojourner Truth except, well, they have had a few more years on earth than I have had.
But don’t consider your dream too be small just because my dream seems so big. Anna’s dream is to have a loving husband and wonderful kids and to enabling her family to live off of one income just in case something happens to her or her future husband. Her dream is no less significant than mine. I try to remind her to believe that it will happen for her one day. See, she wants a family as much as I want to save others from their personal hell.
Whoever you are, develop a dream for yourself. Dream bigger than anyone you know and realize that if you can SEE IT in your mind, it is attainable. No other human being on earth has superpowers that helped them to accomplish things that you could never accomplish. Those that you see who are successfully living the lives that you want to lead may have had some economical or social advantages but it is STILL attainable.
Just think of all the people around you who are without hope for their lives. If you make it, it will impact them. If you step out on faith and believe and TRY, it will encourage them. You can change your entire lineage by making a decision to TRY. Even if you fail, which you won’t if you never give up, your kids will see your tenacity and will take the ball from there and keep running.
Don’t just think about today. Be excited about tomorrow. Give up those brain wasting habits like MySpace as well as entertaining people in your life who have given no though to their future and the future of their children.
Unless ofcourse, you have already accomplished your goals. Then you can CHAT away and BLOG all day!
Keep Your Bags
Today was a phenomenal day for me because I came to a life changing conclusion.
Without going into the details I have learned that when people are rude to me and I haven’t done anything to them it’s NOT my fault. Their anger and attitude is NOT my problem and I don’t have to allow it to affect my day.
I would usually analyze their mean behavior trying to understand why I was the recipient but NO MORE. That’s THEIR baggage and THEIR horrible home life. If someone can’t project happiness it’s because they are NOT HAPPY.
And you know what? That’s not my fault.
I won’t allow them to pass their misery on to me any longer. They can act out all they want. I have decided not to receive it.
