Month: October 2005

Yeah so…

Well, I’m back from mini “ghetto” vacation.

You knowwhat that is– when you take a couple of vacation days in conjunction with a holiday and a weekend and manage to get 5 days in a row off. But ofcourse you don’t really VACATE, you stay your ass home and do absolutely nothing (because you can’t afford a REAL trip) but instead you play around online and call all of your friends at work and laugh at them because they’re at work and you’re not.

Yeah. That’s what I did last week.

I haven’t been to work since I left at midday the day I went to see Kanye in concert. I didn’t do anything really. I still had to wake up extra early to take my sons to school, and it was too close to the 15th (payday) so I didn’t have any money to go anywhere but I’m going to tell you I am so well rested. I took LONG naps everyday. I borrowed my Mama’s video camera and make videos of myself laying around. Did I do laundry? Hmm… I’m sure I did or else I wouldn’t have any underwear to wear.

Last week I also had my SECOND child support/custody hearing with my Baby Daddy. Yes, that man is STILL suing me for custody. ~shrugs~ He’s obviously trying to prove a point to himself because there’s no way that he can prove I’m an unfit mother unless he makes some shit up. I’m good to my kids and I don’t stress him, he’s lucky to have me as the mother of his children. He just doesn’t realize it yet. I think the thing that scares him the most is the thought of me getting child support from him. He acts like he would just DIE if I ever got took a nickel of his money and spent it on something that would improve my quality of life.

That’s the only reason he’s going for custody. He calls me a golddigger but dammit, he ain’t never had any gold to dig. I never got a quarter from him while we were together. Obviously I wasn’t there for the money. If anything, all he can call me is an “Investor”. he..he…

The good thing that came out of the hearing is the judge has transferred our case down here to Miami so I won’t have to attend the hearings telephonically anymore due to the fact that I can’t afford to drive/take the bus up to Gainesville where I case was started.

All I have to say is…karma. Karma.

I live by that rule. I think everyone should.

I know everyone thinks I’m in love with Kanye. Lemme set the record straight, I’m not. I admire him. I love the experience that comes with listening to his songs. Did you catch him on Saturday night live a few weeks ago? He was rapping with some white guy over some different ass beat and I’m sitting there and I feel like I’m having an out of body experience.

That is how I feel when I listen to his music. I don’t feel like I’m simply hearing the song, I FEEL the song. Whatever. I’m not a groupie. I don’t wanna hunch him, unlike Val swears I do. From one artist to another I have much respect. After all, he is a MAN. And you know what they are capable of.

My Baby Daddy sent me an email and part of it explained that he wanted our son, who is in kindergarten, to FEAR report card time. WTF? I disagree. I have told my son that report card time is time to celebrate all the hard work he’s done so far in school. I told him that I’m excited to see the result of his effort and I am already proud that he’s learning and I know he’s going to do great.

Call me simple, call me a wuss, but I believe in positive affirmations. I affirm my children everyday, all day. When they need to be punished, I don’t really have to hit them, I just stop affirming them and they miss me telling them how wonderful and special they are. When they don’t hear me praising them, they KNOW they have done something wrong and I can see the sadness in their eyes and they apologize profusely.

I’m doing alright. For the first time in my life I’m considering going on a diet, just so I can say I’m going on a diet. The only guaranteed way to lose weight is —DON’T EAT! That’s how I lose weight. I’m lazy as hell. I’m not going to exercise. I barely eat well. My weight fluctuates due to how much socializing I’m doing. If I socialize a lot I eat more. If I’m not really hanging out with anyone, I pretty much eat cereal.

Yeah I know, I need to take better care of my body.

Ya’ll not gonna believe this but last night I had a dream that was crazy. I was making out with a..a….a white man.

I’m not even gonna comment further.

I have decided to grow out my hair. Well, my barber/brother inspired this decision because he moved to South Miami and now I can’t get anymore free cuts. So I’ve just been dieing my hair and letting it go. We’ll see what happens to it as it becomes a low frow again. Although you know I have a long way to go since I usually cut my hair to the nitty gritty.

Many blessings to you on your journey to discover your purpose in life. We’re in the same boat. Don’t be discouraged if you find that you’re not as good as you thought you were. Like I tell my sons, try again or try it a different way. As long as you don’t give up- you already won.

Soft Shell

I can’t help it, I don’t know why. I just can’t do it.

Even though you can and you have fun doing it, I can’t. Sometimes I want to. Sometimes I REALLY want to, but damn…I can’t.

I can’t talk badly about people. I can’t rank on people. I can’t post anonymous mean comments or berate someone or intentionally try to make someone feel bad about themselves.

Sometimes I feel like a freak. Sometimes I’m sure I’m a freak because no one is as sensitive about this as I am.

When I was in school, I NEVER ranked anyone. I NEVER talked about anyone’s clothes or hair or the way they smelled. Ask any of my friends. They’ll tell you. Weird or not, I’m in such conflict about this. I don’t know why I’m like this. It seems like you all have so much fun cutting each other.

Let me try…

Yo mama so fat, she…she… ~hangs head~

Sorry, I have a Mama too and I wouldn’t want you to talk about her. I can’t do it.

One time in 8th grade English everyone was ranking on each other (except me!) and this boy said, “Ms. Tee’s nose is so big, I can stick my d**k in it.”

Everyone laughed.

Except me. I didn’t think that was appropriate. I couldn’t understand why he would say that. I was never mean to him.

I can’t even have a good laugh at my Baby Daddy’s expense without feeling guilty. Yes, since I wrote that mean verse about him in the Kanye Concert post I have been under this huge guilt trip.

Sometimes I want to cry because I don’t want to be this sensitive to other people’s feelings. As you can imagine, as sensitive as I am, I am very easily hurt by others. I don’t want to be like that either. But I am.

I feel like such a punk for being so soft. I cry anytime someone says BOO to me. The people I keep around me know this about me so they are extra careful with me and I’m grateful to them.

I am such a CANCER. Thin, tough shell on the outside, mush on the inside.

Why can’t we all just love and nurture each other?

Why can’t we all live in harmony and uplift one another?

Why isn’t the world flat?

— That’s just the way it is honey.

So I have to find a way to toughen up my soft shell in this hard, cruel world. If I don’t I’m going to be crushed.

Sing IT!

I once told myself that if I prayed hard enough and long enough that one day, maybe I..maybe I could SING!

I practice all the time though no one wants to listen.

But ha! Since I have your attention, you HAVE to listen!

Here’s my rendition of Whitney Houston’s I Will Always Love You!

Just playin, I won’t torture you. Yet.

Aside from imitating classic singers like Whitney, I LOVE to watch musicals.

Oh my gosh! Besides Romance Comedies, the Musical is my favorite movie genre. There’s something about being able to sing out your frustrations and emotions that appeals to me. Here’s a list of the musicals that get me wanting to stand up and sign along, loud enough for everyone I know to tell me to SHUT UP!

GREASE
Grease Lightening! Oh my goodness… From the first song, ‘Summer Lovin” to the finale in the amusement park I know ALL the songs. In fact, at the end of this movie, I cry and cry as I think about leaving my friends and moving on in life. My favorite song from this movie was ‘Beauty School Dropout’.

CRYBABY
This movie is on RIGHT NOW and I have to hurry up and finish this post so that I can watch it!
Favorite quote is “My brother wouldn’t touch your titties with a ten foot pole Lenora. He likes his women bad, not CHEAP!” I remember arguing with my sister over whether or not the female lead was the same girl off of Charles In Charge. I was WRONG!

A CHORUS LINE
Classic! This is classic story telling in song format. Everyone who auditions for the Chorus Line gets to sing their own story! I wish someone would let me sing my own life story! It would probably have my Uncle Luke on most of the soundtrack, a little bit of Mary J. and some Mary Mary as the finale!

BYE BYE BIRDIE
When a young Ohio girl is chosen to kiss a national music star before he gets sent off in the draft to war, her entire small town is turned upside down. When I saw Kanye I felt like I was seeing Birdie Conrad. When Birdie showed up in the small town, the whole town passes out! LMAO!
~singing~ You gotta be sincere, oh, you gotta be sincere! ~faints~ LMAO! You gotta see this movie! It’s great!

SCHOOL DAZE
Let’s not forget Spike Lee’s School Daze. Classic! My favorite song was when the two sororities were having a dance off at the hair salon talkin bout good or bad hair.

You’re just a jigaboo
Tryin to find something to do
Well you’re a Wanna be
Wanna be BETTER than me
Talkin bout good or bad hair!
Whether you’re dark or you’re fair!
Go on and swear
See if I care
Good and bad hair!!!!!!!

Come on, you have half the cast of ‘A Different World’, you got Laurence Fishbourne, you got, Tisha Campbell and many of us were introduced to college life through this movie.

Guaranteed fun for this weekend.

Go get ’em!

Made for Each Other

Ahhhh.

I just checked on my baby. Pressed my warm palm to his little forehead and smiled. I pulled the Spiderman covers up to his chin. He’ll be alright.

My baby isn’t feeling too well.

Last week the weather changed and almost everyone was affected by it. At work everyone has either a sore throat, a cough or a cold and my son didn’t escape the effects of mother nature.

His teacher called me at work yesterday to tell me that my 5 year old was very lethargic, which is unusual for my baby. I immediately told my Director that I had to go and I sped over to his elementary school.

I smiled at the receptionist at the front desk.

“May I help you?” she asked.

“I came to get my baby. He needs ALL my love.” I cooed.

She laughed and walked over to the clinic. A few seconds later my Sugarbar walked out, his head down, his arms stiff. Even though he has a solid brown complexion, his face was red. I shivered at the sight.

One quick touch to his forehead revealed that he indeed had a temperature. Instinct told me to scoop him up in my arms like a newborn and carry him to the car, but I didn’t want to embarrass him. I’d save the royal treatment for when we got home.

I couldn’t wait.

By the time we arrived at my house, his little head was resting against the back of the seat and his eyes were closed. He couldn’t even muster up the strength to unbuckle his seatbelt but I didn’t care. I wanted to do it for him anyway.

He didn’t have to walk. I carried him into the house and placed him on the couch. I removed his uniform and dressed him in a pair of sweats and a tee-shirt. After covering the couch with an extra sheet and bringing out his pillows and blanket, he snuggled into his nest. I gave him some tylenol and took his temperature. I gave him some juice and flipped through the channels until he found something he wanted to watch.

Then I sat there and I watched him breathe.

In and out.

Out and in.

What a beautiful sight.

He has my nose. ~smile~

He has my creativity too. When he learns something new he is so proud of himself and he has a passion for learning that is so remarkable to me.

My baby is so wonderful. He takes good care of his little brother. He’s a bit bossy at times, but I can’t get mad because I’m the same way.

I have a habit of blowing my nose like a trumpet and my son HATES that.

“MAMA!” he’ll say. “Don’t do that. It’s nasty.”

I always laugh and shrug my shoulders. His Daddy used to say the same thing.

Of all the frustration I have with men, Of all the dreams yet unaccomplished, Of all the hopes being reknewed in my spirit, when I see my son I KNOW that I have done something right. I KNOW that I have purpose. I was born to be a mother.

Nno one can tell me that he and I weren’t destined for each other. I know he wasn’t born under the best of circumstances and I know that while he was in my tummy I had doubts about my ability to be a good mother but now that he is here I value and appreciate the woman I have become.

I have purpose. I have excitement. I have found true love- in him.

We were made for each other.

Thank you Lord for such an AWESOME gift. I’ll treasure him forever.

My firstborn son.

Millenium Mommy

I’m on the net looking at pictures of the new hurricane when my sons come rushing in.

“Mmmmm! Mama, what is it? That smells delicious!” my 5 year old squeals.

I beam with pride.

“I’m ready to eat!” my 3 year old announces. I smile down at him and stand up. We all walk to the kitchen where the source of the magnificent aroma; a nearly ready lasagna is wafting through the apartment.

“Mmmmmm! It smells good!” my 5 year old says, his eyes growing wider.

I give them both a BIG Kool-Aid Smile.

“Go back in your room until it’s done. I’ll let you know.” I sing as they run off around the corner.

Yep. A woman like myself takes damn good care of her boys. A hot nutritious meal after a hard days work.

Millenium Mommy!!!!

I turn around and bend down to peer into the tiny window of the microwave.

Only 5 minutes left.

Damn… I’m such a good cook.

Two Sides

I didn’t want to be unprepared for this hurricane like I was last time so I made up a list of the essential hurricane supplies. Things that won’t spoil if we don’t have power for a few days.

water
Pop tarts
Chips
Snacks
Fruit cups
Vienna sausages
Peanut Butter
Jelly
Bread
Juice
Ice
Flashlights
Batteries

Then I e-mailed the list to my Baby Daddy as kind of a ‘you can help in this situation TOO’. Not really expecting anything, but doing it just to give him the opportunity to deny or help.

He called me at 5:30pm today.

“I’m coming by the bring all the stuff.”
“What stuff?” I asked, surprised.
“The hurricane stuff you said you needed.”
“Oh.”

He brought everything.

That’s how he is.

He gets everything I ask him for.

But ofcourse when I ASK he has to give a slick ass comment or a lecture about why I’m in the situation I’m in then he ALWAYS hangs up in my face.

But he gets everything I ask him for.

But why do I always have to ASK? Man, I don’t know.

It’s like being punched in the stomache and then given a thousand dollars. You need that help, but you can do without the abuse. But you need help and you appreciate the help, but you don’t appreciate what comes with it.

How do you feel love and contempt for one person at the same time?

Rain, Rain Go AWAY

Enjoy this meme while I wait for the storm to pass.

I got this from Kayla.

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you.
Yolanda

2. Where was your first kiss?
I was 13 years old in the 8th grade. We were riding the carousel at the now defunct Omni Mall on Biscayne Blvd. We were both sitting in the carriage and he looked at me. I looked at him and laughed. He moved closer, I moved closer. Then he kissed me. It was very sweet and very gentle. I’ll never forget him. His name was Maurice Morgan. He had pretty brown eyes and we were together for 6 whole weeks!

3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else’s property?
No way.

4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?
Not for real, in a real fight. I don’t fight. Fighting is for the inarticulate.

5. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people?
I wish.

6. What is the first thing you notice about the preferred sex?
His shoes.

7. What do you order at the Coffee Bean?
Coffee tastes like old rusty water to me.

8. What is your biggest mistake?
Not recognizing my worth.

9. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?
I have hurt myself on purpose by constantly reliving those hurtful moments in my past. I had to stop doing that to myself.

10. Say something totally random about yourself.
I don’t know how to paint my own toes or do my own hair.

11. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Just recently. And she’s a supermodel. VERY nice compliment!

12. Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?
All the time.

13. Did you have braces?
Nope, but I need some.

14. Are you comfortable with your height?
I LOVE being short!

15. What is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you?
~rolls eyes~

16. When do you know it’s love?
~thinking~ Why did I do this damn meme?

17. Do you speak any other languages?
Estudie espanol para tres semetres en UF. Estudie espanol para cuatro anos en mi escuela secundario pero me gustaria hablarmas pero no tengo una amiga Latina.

18. Have you ever been to a tanning salon?
I get natural tans.

19. What magazines do you read?
Essence, VIBE, Lucky, Allure, Self and whatever else I can get my hands on. I was a Magazine Journalism major, darling.

20. Have you ever ridden in a limo?
Once, at my grandma’s funeral.

21. Has anyone you were really close to passed away?
No.

22. Do you watch MTV?
Everyday.

23. What’s something that really annoys you?
I have a FIT when I see people spit on the sidewalk. Just DISGUSTING!

24. What’s something you really like?
Meeting successful people.

25. Do you like Michael Jackson?
Fo sho!

26. Can you dance?
I’m just a nano second off beat but I can fake it pretty well.

27. What’s the latest you have ever stayed up?
Whenever I go out with my girl Tamara, it’s pretty much WRITTEN that we won’t get in until after the sun comes up.

28. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?
Yes, a little over 3 years ago. I was in a car accident and I was pregnant with my second son.
29. Do you actually read these when other people fill them out?
I love interviews! I read every word. Well, if I already find the person interesting.