Month: June 2005

Pen Pals

I just finished writing a letter to my pen pal. Crazy huh? In this time of advanced technology no one writes letters anymore, but I do.

My pen pal doesn’t have access to a computer. My pen pal doesn’t have access to a lot of things. At this very moment he only has access to a stick of deodorant and writing materials. He won’t even see the sunlight for the next 30 days.

My pen pal is in jail and has been for the past 13 years. The sentence he was given says he will never walk the streets again.

I don’t really remember him at all from when I was little. They called him Pumpkin, I remember that. I also remember being young and watching the news and my Mama saying, “That’s your cousin, he going to jail for a long time.”

When I moved back down to Miami I was at one of my family drunkfests and someone handed me the phone, “That’s your cousin Pumpkin, say Hi.” He had called collect to speak to the family.

“Hi Pumpkin, How are you?” I asked him and cringed.
“I’m good, man. What’s up with you? I heard you graduated college. You got two kids and shit. You doin alright.”
“Yeah, I’m doin alright Pumpkin. I’m glad to be back in Miami round my family. So you and LV (my cousin) keep in touch?”
“Yeah, she writes me sometimes. Not so much anymore. I’m working on getting out. Just a matter of time.”
“Hey, I love to write. I’ll write you if you want.”
“You shittin me?”
“Naw, I really love to write and I will definately write you a few letters.”
“Hold up lemme get something to write your address down.”

I give it to him and less than a week later I get a letter from him.

When we first began writing I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t ask how he was doing, I mean that would sound insensitive. I didn’t wanna brag about how much fun I was having. I didn’t know what to say to him and I wanted to quit writing because it made me uncomfortable. But I didn’t. I didn’t because if for some crazy reason, I was locked up, I would want someone to think of me. I would want to know that someone cared. I would want to be able to taste freedom, even if it is through the eyes of someone else.

So I started sending him stories from my blog. He liked them. I sent him my 101 Things List and asked him to write one of his own. He did- It was great! Something told me to experiment a bit and I started sending him excerpts from other blogs that I thought he would like. I send him stories from Brutha Code and Humanity Critic and he and his “boys” love them and ask for more.

When he writes me, he tells me stories about his children and how he wishes he could be a father to them again. He tells me how a stupid mistake will haunt him for the rest of his life but he is hopeful that he will get out one day.

In his last letter he asked me to send him pictures of women. LOL! Ohhhkayyy! I sent him this pic of Vivica Fox and this pic of Sanaa Lathan and this pic of Alicia Keyes. I don’t know, maybe he was hoping for something different, but I like those three pictures.

The letters I write to him are more difficult to write than anything I’ve ever written. But I won’t let him down. I’ll be there for him, entertaining him with my stories and the crazy stories of others so that maybe, his days will be a little brighter. Maybe he won’t hate himself until the day he dies. I know I can’t do anything to help his situation, but I do know that I can at least send a smile and a little warmth his way.

Me against Them

Someone in my life keeps asking me this question and I keep ignoring him because I don’t want to have to sit down and face the truth.

Answering this question will definately put things into perspective and I’ll be forced to come to a sad, sad conclusion.

I’m running from this because to examine this will be too painful.

He asked me: What do you have against men?

When I even THINK about this question I get upset. But I have forced myself to answer it, rationally and not out of my emotions.

What do I have against men?

Well, I know that all men have an agenda when they meet you.

I’ve learned that men want something from you and they will say what they have to say to get it. It’s not always about sex either. But beware, if a man tells you he doesn’t want sex, that simply means that he is having sex with someone else on a regular basis (i.e. a girlfriend).
Because he is getting his elsewhere. He can take his time with you.

All men want something. Whether it’s an ego stroke or dookey love, they have a goal when they meet you but it’s totally up to you whether they get it or not.

I used to be such a pleaser, man, forget it, I’ll admit it, I still am. I totally ignore my own desires in order to make sure that everyone else is happy. For example my love for giving oral pleasure, but my dislike for receiving it. Also, my ability to lend money, but my inability to borrow money. And let’s not forget my inclination to do nice things for people, but I feel bad when someone does something nice for me. I feel like I owe them.

So it looks like the men are getting what they want from me, (the booty, the gifts, the sweetness) but actually I’m giving what I want to give.

For me it’s out of kindness, the one quality that many of the men I meet lack, but for men, it’s about conquering.

What do I have against men?

It’s my male friends fault.

Ever gotten so cool with a man that he tells you all his dirt? Lord, I tell you, it’s not a good place to be. To hear these guys scheme on chicks make me sick to my stomache. When I leave my brother’s barber shop I literally despise men. And when I talk to my boy E, EVERY SINGLE TIME, I tell him I give up on men period.

According to him, it’s all about bragging rights and booty. Who sexed the best chicks? (Yeah dawg, I banged this chick with green eyes…) Who sexed the most chicks? Who can get the most while giving the least? According to him, it’s a game. One disgusting game of selfishness and deceit. And he says men only get married after they finish looking around and give up on finding something better than who they already have.

What do I have against men?

My Baby Daddy did it. Wow. I realized that what I thought was love between us was nothing of the sort.

What do you do when you love someone?

You compromise. You accept them for who they are. You encourage them and challenge them in love. You take care of them and hold them in high esteem.

My entire 3 year relationship with him had none of those qualities. ~sigh~

I am just realizing that.

And while I sometimes wonder how he could love me so much then hate me so much, I have come to the conclusion that this dude never loved me. In fact, he never liked me as a person. He was never satisfied with me.

I was his first girlfriend. His first shot at some steady booty. And I was cute, ofcourse he had to take it. But he didn’t really like who I was. But he liked the steady sex, so he tried to change me with his criticisms. He tried to make me feel bad about who I was so that I would become who he wanted me to be. But it didn’t quite work that way. Instead of transforming into who he wanted me to be, I withdrew into myself and began to hate myself, which made him hate me more.

Now that I have a relationship with him where this is absolutely no sex, I can see how he feels about me. Without sex, there are no sweet words, no booty rubs or kindness. You can really see what a man is all about when you are not having sex with him.

What do I have against men?

Where’s my father figure?

Oh yeah, I do have a biological father right here in Miami but I didn’t know him until I was 23. In fact, I still don’t know him and don’t really want to. Dude is so emotional. I’m not used to men being like that with me. You want a hug? You want me to call you Daddy? LMAO! Yeah right. The only time I use the word Daddy is when I’m talkin dirty after dark.

But secretly, I’m yearning for a strong man to hold me close. To affirm me. To tell me that I am beautiful and that everything will be okay. To stand with me against my baby daddy so I won’t feel so uninformed and alone.

What do I have against men?

It’s my Stepfather, man. He has singlehandedly set the standard for how I allow men to treat me in my life. Notice that I wrote, “how I allow”? Yeah, I do believe it’s a choice. A choice that I am changing as we speak. Because he was so harsh, so frank, so critical, I seem to attract the same type of men and I accept it, because his actions set the standard for my definition of love.

But no more. If a black cats crosses my path while I’m even considering ‘liking’ a man, I will STOP TALKING TO HIM IMMEDIATELY. No more rough joking, no more ‘pushing me to improve.’ No more disapproving speeches. I am D.O.N.E.

But the crazy part is, little by little I have come to realize that all the things my stepfather said about men, are true. It’s wild but when I was little I had this fantasy in my mind of someone out there made just for me. And I thought men wanted to know me and be blessed by me and bless me back, but my Stepfather diffused that irrational thought. One day he told me, “Dating is just picking a DAY to MATE (f**k).”

Now ain’t that the the truth?

What do I have against men?

Ask my former Pastor.

We were so close. So tight. So cool. We talked everyday. Until I didn’t want to be a part of his church anymore. I think it’s been about a year since I spoke to him. Wow, it’s been a year since I’ve moved to Miami. Coincidence? Not. Men want you to do what THEY want you to do, when you don’t you’re OUT!

What do I have against men?

My body.

Damn. I can’t help it. Regardless of all this crap and all this proof that men are just a waste of time and out to take and not give, I STILL want one of their punk asses.

Why? Why? Why?

I don’t know.

I am bitter, yes I am. But inside, in the dark, dark recesses, where I won’t let anyone stop by or take a peek, I have a glimmer of hope that one day, one man will break through my insecurities and wrestle with me to prove me wrong.

~smirking~ Child please.

We’ll see…

Looking Ahead

It stormed so badly last night that I was forced away from my addiction, The Internet, for about an hour. I was devastated. First of all, my boys were already asleep and then the electricity kept flickering so I had to turn out all the lights.

So I’m sitting there on my bed and I’m not sleepy and it’s completely dark in my house. That felt so weird. So I did exactly what my Mama always told me NOT to do- I got on the phone. Yep, I called my friend Sylvia who ALWAYS has a wild crazy story to tell me and yes she sure delivered.

Since my boys will be spending the weekend with their father for Father’s Day, I plan to have as much fun as I can in the next two nights and three days. I am even taking a half day today just to get a head start on my weekend. I have multiple plans with multiple friends because with chicks, they’re so fickle, you always have to have a back up.

I am invited to a dinner party at my friend Andy’s house tonight. That is my first choice. He throws great parties. My second option is hanging with Sylvia at my place, just drinking and laughing. I also made my friend Dianna feel very guilty about not hanging with me in, oh, 5 days, so she said she’d hang with me on Friday night too.

I’m not worried, SOMEONE is gonna punk out on me. And I already asked Andy if I could bring a friend to his party and he said, “Sure, you know I’m a freak. I can handle you all.” LOL! He’s so dumb!

So everyone knows how much I love my job as a Development Coordinator. I LOVE IT! Right now, I’m more administrative support but I love being a support person because I love to serve others and I’m paid pretty well for what I do. But I can see Development/Fundraising as a potential long term career for me until my plan to take over the world goes into effect.

I am so excited about it too! I mean, my heart is in developing new businesses and helping them to present a professional image. My job at the newspaper gave me a lot of practice at that and this job at this private school is teaching me so much about going the extra mile to serve the parents (constituents) who will in turn take care of us when we take care of them.

Although I love this school and all the people here and my director and my co-workers and the parties and the food, I know that this is not my resting place. Sometimes I wish I was the type of person to just get settled and sit down but I’m not. I’m always looking toward the future. And in my future I see myself becoming the Director of Development for a Non-Profit organization. Maybe a school like the one I am at now, except I’d like to work at a Black private school like the one my kids go to. Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll start my own Non-profit and work to further a cause that is near to my heart, support for single parents and their families.

Non-profit work does not pay much but you DO get paid plus you know you’re making a difference in someone’s life. I feel all of that at my private school but I know that there are more people out there who need a helping hand. I am so excited about the task ahead of me. I am so excited about my future. I am so excited about the people I will reach through my writing and my speaking.

I guess I’m kinda excited about life, period. LOL!

Life is good. This weekend is gonna be great and I’m having fun planning my son’s 3rd birthday party which will actually take place on MY birthday in a couple of weeks.

Sending positive vibes your way on a beautiful Friday morning.

M.I.A. No More

Thanks for the wakeup call Kayla.

Something is definately wrong here.

I have 4 stories saved as drafts. For some reason, I can not finish them.

I am okay. Just experiencing some technical difficulties.

For the first time in my entire blog life, I am dealing with a situation that I don’t feel comfortable writing about. I want to write. I want to release..but I’m stuck, I can’t.

I’ve tried to write about other things but it’s just not working.

It hurts. It really, really does.

I feel…restricted. Like I can’t be me.

I’m sorry. I’ll be back when things have calmed down a bit.

Here Goes…

So all of a sudden I care about what you think of me? (Yes, that was a question.)

All of a sudden I’m worried about my Baby Daddy reading these words, my other flings from the past reading this and I’m worried about sounding like a chump because of my feelings.

Let me let go…

I realize that I can’t make you like me.

“You gotta love yourself before someone else can love you.”

I am tired of hearing that shit.

Hello! I am 5’1″, 135 lbs, and I am cute as hell! Sorry, not conceited, just real with myself.

I don’t wake up in the morning all grumpy and sad at the world, for the most part I’m happy. I love my job, I have great sons and I have a tight apartment that God provided for me and my sons. I am so blessed. I am so talented. I am so driven. I have so much energy and vigor and life and ambition and vision and… and…I know that I have come a long way and I can actually say that I am proud of myself. I am making it. I am doing my thang. I am being me and a whole bunch of people love me for it.

So why, why do I dwell on the people who don’t appreciate me more than I dwell on the positive people in my life? Why is it that one bad interaction or unreturned affection or dissappointment, why does it seem to turn my world upside down?

~sidenote~ I’m really having a hard time writing this because I KNOW that my children’s father will probably read this and laugh at me. It hurts to know that someone enjoys knowing you are in pain. ~end sidenote~

As much positivity as I try to release into this world, I am absolutely floored when it is not returned. A smile for a smile right? No, not always.

Am I too sensitive? Probably. Do I have esteem issues? Most def. Is something inherantly wrong with me, something that I can’t see? I second guess myself so much when it comes to relationships with men and women. I’m constantly asking my closest friends if there are things I can do to be a better friend/sister/mother.

I have this overhwhelming desire to do the right thing. And most times I am able to accomplish that, but then why, in the midst of my doing good for others, do I feel like I’m not REALLY doing anything good.

Because if I was doing it the right way, then someone would love me. If I was doing things the right way then I would not be someone’s hated baby mama. If I was doing things the right way then maybe I wouldn’t be JUST getting to know my bio father and I wouldn’t hate myself sometimes.

Crazy. Yeah, it is. I don’t even think I’m making sense to myself.

I see them all the time, them being THEM, those people who are inconsiderate and selfish and mean. THEY have what I want, they have someone to love them. They have someone right there with them everyday, sharing their struggles and their hopes.

I am such a good friend to many. And when I mess up I always make it right. ALWAYS. I never let people down. I’m not fake. I don’t gossip. I don’t talk bad about ppl behind their backs. But all this do good, all this has gotten me is confused. Confused because I go out of my way to show love and I don’t get it in return.

And the funny thing is, with men, it’s like the more I show love, the less I get back. It really hurt me what happened with THE ATTORNEY. I hadn’t liked anyone in THAT WAY since my children’s father. I was so open with THE ATTORNEY. I was so free with him. So vulnerable. So loving and accepting and appreciative of the small amount of time he gave me. I just wanted to…make him smile and let him know that I thought he was great. (And I’m using him as an example, he’s not he only one.)

But dude didn’t even care. He lied to me the entire time and just, stopped speaking to me. Like I did something wrong. What did I do besides be a good friend to you?

Please tell me. All of you? What did I do that was so bad? For you to NEVER speak to me again? What was it? I’m not overbearing. I make sure to give you your space. I understand that a man needs time with his boys. I’m cool with that. I’m down for whatever kinda sex you like.

The worst thing you can do to a person is to walk away without an explanation. Even when they move on, they will question themselves, constantly wondering if every little step they take is what drove you away.

My friends are so wonderful. They keep reminding me that I am beautiful and special and I appreciate the love chica’s, I really do.

I just wonder if I have some kind of repellent for the male species. Or if, like I love to tell myself, it’s simply not my time to receive the complete family that I have been ashamed to admit that I want.

Delicious Black Men

There’s a new era emerging.

I can feel it in the heat. Something is happening. Is this a phase? Is this a stage? Can we the Black women of America in our mid 20’s to early 30’s be at the stage where we actually meet the love of our lives?

Amazing conversations all around as my girls check in with me on the status of their relationships. It seems like quite a few have found their winners. Quite a few have found men they describe as patient, loving and successful.

My friend Mil says when she sees her man, she can’t believe a man as fine as he is, wants to be with her. No, this chick does not have low self esteem, she is just that in AWE of his beauty and everything else about him, from the way he treats her, to the way he treats himself. Problem is, he receives everything she is giving him- all the love and sweetness. But because of his past pain with women, he doesn’t believe she’s being real.

The more she proves herself to be honest, faithful and kind- the more he withdraws from her. She’s waiting on him and believing that one day he will understand that she is real and she really does love him.

I feel him on his apprehension though. I mean, after a lifetime of dissapointment and heartbreak, some chick comes along and treats you well. You smile and accept it cuz they ALL act like this in the beginning. After a few months you’re looking for the big hairy monster but she hasn’t surfaced yet. All you’re getting is an educated, patient, big breasted chick who loves to have sex and thinks you are amazing. Come on! That doesn’t REALLY happen… But it has. And he does not believe it is true and he definately doesnt believe it will last! But it has. It’s been well over a year. She’s single with no children and she adores him. And most importantly, she’s willing to wait for him.

I’ll never forget my sorority sister. I brag about her all the time. After a series of unsuccesful relationships and men who place expectations on her that are hard to live up to, she finally found her match. The most beautiful thing she said about him is, “He is exactly like my father, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.” They are busy planning for the birth of their first child, their wedding and the purchase of their first home. God is so wonderful. Good things happen to good people.

My homegirl Anna is settling down too. After years of playing the dating game, she has realized one thing, her man loves her. He loves her stretch marks and her jelly belly. He accepts the fact that she likes to hang out. He accepts all of her, just the way she is. And unbeknownst to her, that is what she had been hoping for this entire time.

I can’t leave out my homie Mimi. Remember she got married last October.I called her yesterday because I was in the mood to hear a positive story about relationships and she gave me an earful. “He doesn’t have to do anything extra to get my love,” she said. “With him I feel emotionally safe.” Emotionally safe. Emotionally safe. We can all only HOPE to one day be with a man who we can trust all of our emotions with.

And the best BEST part about all of these women I have mentioned, they are all with BLACK MEN. ~smile~

There ARE good BLACK MEN out there. It seems like they’re all hiding out but these great women managed to attract them and we can too. These lucky women found their blessing in the place they least expected it. It’s time to step outside the box and try something or someone we never looked at before.

I hate mean People

By “mean” I mean people who intentionally set out to embarrass, ridicule or harm someone physically or emotionally.

I don’t like sarcastic people either. Sarcasm is meant to seem funny, but it’s actually a disguise for being mean without actually saying how you really feel. Sarcasm is for cowards. Or highschool vixens from those teen movies.

And while I’m on the subject of traits that people have that annoy me, I can’t forget the debaters. Whoo! I mean, you’re sitting there having a nice conversation and a difference of opinion over something like fast food preferences comes up. The DEBATER will sit there with mental charts and graphs trying to convince you that their opinion is the right one. It could lead to a full scale argument if you feed into it and that is what the debater wants. He wants emotion and drama and in then end, if you relent, he can claim VICTORY because all he wants is to feel superior. Kinda Diva-ish don’t you think? LMAO! They really make me laugh.

Seriously, I just laugh at them. I mean, everyone has their opinion. You sharing your opinion with me or heatedly forcing it down my throat, is not going to change my world. Geesh! (You know who you are. Stop callin me with that crap!)

So now that I have outlined a few traits that annoy the heck out of me, I can’t help but add my own personal annoying trait to the list.

I think I was being mean last night.

I wasn’t trying to. I really wasn’t. But a guy friend came over and we were having drinks and he loves to talk about dealing with women, but it’s crazy because he doesn’t have a girl right now. And once he was dealing with this chick who had three kids and when he first told me about her all he had to say was, “Man, I love going over there, she always cooks and fixes me a plate. And she has a fat ass.”

I was like, “Ughhh.”

And when he mentioned that she quit her job after her boss cursed her out ~sound familiar~ I told him, “Well, I guess the money you were saving is gonna be gone now.” Referring to the bills that he should now be helping ol girl pay since he was gettin booty and eatin lovely.

To which he responded, “Hold up. That’s not my house. Those not my kids.”

“But you eating up all of HER KIDS FOOD on a regular basis and gettin ass, how are you NOT gonna help her out?”

“Those not my kids. That’s not my house.”

I fumed.

So last night, he was over and we were chillin and I told him about a couple of men that I had been out with recently and he was just talking about something and I don’t know why, but something angry in me just clicked.

He’s all smiling and happy and laughing and talking about some girl that he wants to date but she has stood him up twice already.

“Look, don’t call her again. She has no respect for you.” I tell him.

“She doesn’t?” he asks.

“Hell no. And when or IF she calls you again, don’t do whatever she asks you to do. She’s only gonna call you if you have something that she wants.”

“But I have nothing to give her.”

“Well then she’s definately never calling you again.”

“Why not?”

“Dude, I’m not gonna speak for the entire womankind but, uh, women need a man who can bring something to the table. If not financially, then damn, please be sweet and considerate and give good head. I can not imagine dealing with a man with no job who makes no effort to satisfy some of my wants. I’d rather masterbate every night instead. I’d feel like I was settling.”

“See, that’s where you may be messing up. The man with no job could be the one to adore you and treat you the way you have always wanted to be treated. And you’re judging him because he has no job.”

“I hear you but understand that even IF a man with no job could EVER fulfill all of my emotional needs, I would never find out, cuz he could never get the number. In fact, I don’t even know where I would meet a grown man who doesn’t have a job. Where do they hang out? The ONLY way a man could holla at me with no job is if he’s between degrees.”

“Look, I keep a job so don’t be going off on me. Look at you all huffing and puffing. What kind of man are you really looking for? What do you want him to bring to the table?”

“I really want a professional man. A couple of degrees would be nice. But it seems like everytime I meet one of them they turn out to be assholes. Inconsiderate assholes who think they rule the world. But you know what? He doesn’t even have to have multiple degrees as long as he’s successful. While tight resumes get me extremely excited, ambition is what seals the deal. He could be a successful barber running his own shop, that would be just fine. As long as he set a goal and accomplished it. That’s why I put so much emphasis on a college education. Most of that junk we learned we will never use. But college is about setting a long term goal and completing it. That is all.”

“I met this guy once,” I continued. ” He was sooo cute! I mean, seriously, for real, for real. And he was sweet and everyone liked him. So he flirted and I flirted and we had lunch one day where he proceeds to tell me that he started college but had not finished because he was too busy partying. He lost cool points for that because I feel like I went through so much DRAMA and crap while in college and that wasn’t easy at all for me but I finished and I didn’t give any excuses. I finished! But then you know, I wanna allow him to redeem himself so I asked him what his next goals were. Know what? He didn’t have any? I knew right then that there would never even be a first date. I don’t want to be someone’s crutch. Ya’ll men ain’t shit! You really aren’t! Take, TAKE, TAKE! That’s all you wanna do! You wanna go to that chick house and eat but when it comes time to take care of her your ass gonna play the ‘this is not my problem’ role. I really don’t like that about you!”

I’m sitting there on my living room floor next to my coffee table and I’m heated. My face is balled up. My arms are folded. I’m watching as the condensation from my drink makes a stain on my Lucky magazine. I need some coasters dammit! ~ears steaming~

My friend looks at me and shakes his head. He reaches down from where he’s sitting on my couch and puts his hand on my back and gives it a squeeze. “Ms. Tee, you are very, very angry. And I never imagined you like this.”

I sigh. “Yeah, I am. It’s crazy. I don’t know how NOT to be angry. I don’t know what needs to happen.”

“Yeah, you need something, but I don’t know what?”

“Some good D***?” I ask and laugh.

“No, I don’t think it’s that.”

We sit in silence for a few minutes, each drifting away with the effect of the alcohol.

“I got it!” he says and looks at me seriously. “What you need is for your Baby Daddy to act right.”

I raise my eyebrow. “huh?”

“Imagine,” he begins. “That everything you are dealing with concerning him was the exact opposite? Think about it? Instead of you gettin mad cuz he’s reading your blog and making mean comments, imagine that he came on there with positive things to say about you. ~pretending he’s typing~ I just want everyone to know that my baby mama is the best mother to my sons. I appreciate her so much. They are turning into great boys…”

My heart skips a beat.

“And what if, instead of going through all this mess for some child support, what if he just broke you off whatever you asked for. ~pretending to write me a check~ Here you go, Ms. Tee, and he’s an extra hundred. I don’t care what you do with it, treat yourself to something nice. You deserve it. What if everytime he came around he was praising you and thanking you for giving him those two beautiful boys? I think that would make everything all right again.”

I couldn’t do anything but stare at him.

Is my Baby Daddy the reason I am always so angry?

Ahhh…Mango Season

Boy I tell you, ain’t nothing like Mango season in Miami. ~drooling~

For real… You can just walk down the street and find a tree, make sure no one is looking and toss a stick up there until one falls down. Then you’re moments away from having a nice sweet, juicy treat.

It’s like heaven when you first cut into the mango. The strong aroma invades your nostrils and immediately your mouth salivates. You slice off the mango skin and you have two choices, you can refigerate them for a cool treat later, or you can just bite down into that bad boy right now, allowing all of the sticky juices to dribble down your chin and you don’t care because it’s soo damn good!

I like to take my sliced mango, put em in some tupperware with a good amount of vinegar, some salt and pepper and put that mamma jamma in the frig overnight. Ooooh Lord! ~rolling eyes~

I could have had a mango all to myself tonight, but my sons saw it in the car. There is a mango tree right outside my office on our campus and the Mailroom man got one for me. I was trying to hide it but my sons are so nosey!

“Mama! Is that a mango?”
“F***!” I whisper under my breath as we are driving on our way home.

So I had to share, but I put a slice for myself in the frig and it has been CHILLIN for almost an hour now. After I finished my writing quota for tonight, I’ma go get that damn mango and it’s on!

Do Yo Thang BET!

Oh my gosh! Did you watch the BET awards last night? I usually don’t watch awards shows because they are boring as hell. Remember the one Will Smith hosted in Miami? I fell asleep after an hour.

But this one was spectacular. EVERY.SINGLE.PERFORMANCE- was breathtaking. Every act kept my eyes wide open. I had just put my sons in the bed and closed their door when I heard a familiar voice coming from the TV in my room.

Wait a minute. Naw… Come on…Is that? Is that LAURYN HILL? OH MY GOSH! ~screams~ Lauryn Hill is performing with the Fugees! It’s a REUNION! I sat at the foot of my bed, my mouth ajar, my hands clasped together, holding my breath. I’m examining her for signs of life. I’m looking to see how she looks. Is she alright? Can she still sing? She kinda looked like Sonny Bono from Sonny and Cher. She had on an outfit like he would wear and she had on a wig that looked like his haircut.

This woman.

This woman.

I love this woman.

Remember when she first came out with the Fugees? Man! Lauryn Hill was FIRE!!! And then rememeber when she came out with the Miseducation Of Lauryn Hill? ~faints~ Wasn’t that shit a CLASSIC?!!!

I remember me, my boyfriend, his roommate Kenya and her boyfriend sitting around listening to this CD over and over. We were all stunned by the magnitude of her talent. I even remember Kenya saying, “I can not believe that someone of this caliber is in MY AGE GROUP. She is one of my peers.” Wow.

That first album was about pain and her yearning to heal. It spoke to so many of us and captivated us. It held onto our hearts with every track. EVERY DAMN TRACK.

I used to love him, but now I don’t.
I used to love him, but now I don’t.

It’s funny how money change a situation
Miscommunication lead to complication
My emancipation don’t fit your equation
I was on the humble you on every station

No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain’t workin’ (it ain’t workin’)
And when I try to walk away
You hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy.. This is crazy…

Everybody told me to be smart
Look at your career they said
Lauryn baby use your head
But instead I chose to use my heart
Now the JOYYYYY of my WORLD is in ZION!

I used to sing this song to myself when I was pregnant with my first son, whose name rhymes with Zion.

I just couldn’t believe I was watching her stand there with Wyclef ol dirty ass-The man who tried her. I told my friend, “I can’t believe she up there with him!” and my friend remarked, “That is the power of forgiveness Tee. That is the power of forgiveness.”

Forgive deez nuts!

He ain’t nuttin without her! Ol dirty ugly self.

Ok, back to the show.

So after I finish crying because I am so happy to see her again, (Yes, I cried. I cry all the time when I’m happy ~shrugs~) I remove my sweat pants and move on to the living room. I never sit in there and tonight, for some reason I want to chill in the underused living area.

Sylvia calls me so we watch the show together over the phone.

Did you see Alicia Keyes?!!! I don’t even know what award she won but that chick looked so good. I love her body type. It’s not like she’s one of those super skinny chicks and she is not loose meat either, she is just right. In fact, let me just clear the air:

Dear Alicia Keyes,

I am sorry for hating on you all this time. I didn’t really mean it when I said I thought you were ugly. The truth is I can’t believe how tight you are. You are every woman. You are a beautiful woman with a great personality. You are amazingly talented and you exude a confidence that most women wish they had. No more hatin for me. Sorry…

Did you see the lap dance that Destiny’s Child did?!! All three of them went into the audience and pulled three men up on stage to sing their song called Cater to You. What a way to say goodbye! I almost got a woody watching that! And I was so embarrassed for Magic Johnson. Why would Michelle’s goofy behind pull MAGIC JOHNSON on the stage for a lap dance when his wife is sitting right there?!!! Kelly pulled Nelly on stage ~delicious~ And Beyonce pulled Terrence something or other on stage. Remember him? He was the guy in the Best Man who was light skinned with light eyes and was constantly actin a fool and playin the guitar hatin on women!

This is the same man who stood on the stage with my homegirl, EVA THE DIVA. I love her! He announced that he is going to be on the cover of next month’s Essence magazine. Mmm, hmm. Already got my subscription! I love magazines!

Anyway.. Mariah Carey came on and sang, well, I forgot what she sang but she sounded so good! I never really looked at her before. She’s kinda pretty. Go MARIAH!

So I’m mixing the order of the artists up, but it doesn’t matter.

I love that song with Missy and Ciara called Lose Control! I have YET to go and out and dance to that song and I plan to do it soon! The performance by Ciara was OFF THE CHAIN!

That chick really proved herself to be the next BIG thing. Like she will become a CLASSIC like Janet Jackson. She is amazing. I’m on the phone with Sylvia and while Ciara is performing we’re both quiet as a mouse.

I break the silence by saying, “I bet you can’t do that.”
“Hell no I can’t,” she responds.

So can you believe WILL SMITH was on there looking like a fool? When I heard that he and Jada would host the show I flipped. First of all, I love Will Smith in action movies, but outside of that, dude annoys me. Well, except for the whole “Swinging” thing. I found that VERY interesting, he he! But uh, anyway, I HATED him as the host of this show. Jada should have done it by herself. He is suck a dork. We are not kids anymore. No one wants to see him actin dumb like that. GROW UP WILL! ~rolling eyes~

Jada was sooo cute though. And so tiny! Did you see that white dress she wore at the end? Amazing! I seriously need to lose this gut that I have acquired. I am feeling so fat after watching her lil behind.

Can I just say this to be real? I won’t go into detail and I ‘m usually not like this but I can’t help it. FAT JOE is ugly. For real. Ugh…. Ok, I’m done.

John Legend and Stevie Wonder performed live together! I was about to die! After all these years and some serious weight gain for Stevie, he still sounds JUST THE SAME. His voice was as strong as ever and I am still in awe over the life he led and the obstacles he overcame. And John Legend was so adorable. I’m sitting there and I’m thinking, “I bet even before he became famous, he prolly got all the chicks.” He’s a true artist. Much respect to him and I hope for longevity in his career.

My girl Mary J. was there singing with some guy called The Game. Who is this dude? Why do I have to keep reading, excuse me, skipping over articles about him and a feud with 50 cent– WHO I HATE!? Who cares?!!

I don’t give a damn about you Mr. Game. Get the hell off of my TV screen. ~rolls eyes~

T.I. was there! I think. I mean, he was so short I couldn’t believe that was him. His videos make him seem so much taller. ~raises eyebrow~

And ugh, did I see Michael Ealy on there looking like a crackhead. He was NOT cute AT ALL last night. I am removing your picture from my desk honey. Daddy Yankee is getting your spot. Sorry…

But remember my baby Nick Cannon? ~sigh~ He was looking so delicious last night. He still makes my heart jump, but like my friend said to me the other day, “He look like he play too much.”

Usher, Kanye and Denzel all won big awars but none of them showed up. The person who wrote the speech for that dude who announced the Humanitarian award for Denzel and his wife should be given a raise! That speech was very well written. I should be a speech writer, I could definately do that. And oh my gosh, the speech that his wife Pauletta gave- my GOODNESS! Talk about an articulate and wonderful woman. I felt her spirit leap out and touch me with its goodness. I hope to stand as a remarkable woman right next to a remarkable man someday.

All in all, I stayed up until the very end. I spoke with about 4 friends on the phone while I was watching the show (Hey, Ruby went to Canada yesterday) but I managed to divide my attention enough to enjoy the wonderful evening that BET presented. I am very proud of them.

All’s Well…

Just last week I kinda freaked when someone decided that they wanted to teach me a lesson so they would no longer be financially responsible for my children’s education. I mean, these bills are so serious but I am so grateful that my sons don’t have to grow up in the neighborhood that I grew up in and I am glad that I can afford such a nice place

Do you know how good this feels?! My boys will never know the projects. They will never know growing up in the hood. They will never see da boys on the corner, unless we’re driving through. Because I surround myself with upwardly mobile people, my boys will be exposed to all kinds of professionals from an early age. This will shape their mindset and give them tangible evidence that Black people CAN succeed. And for them, it won’t be just a dream, it will be a definite reality.

I am amazed sometimes when I think about it. And I am so grateful.

So when I realized that I would be providing for them all on my own, my heart nearly stopped. I mean, what good is having a professional baby daddy if he’s not gonna provide? Yeah I freaked out, did my budget a couple of times and sighed. I can make it with my current salary but EVERYTHING will be so tight that I can’t breathe financially. Tight, but not impossible.

I decided that we can do this, and we HAVE to do this. I relaxed a little bit. I put them in another school. Goodbye private school education. The school they are in now is in my old neighborhood (da hood). It’s the only affordable school I could find and it came highly recommended. After their first day my boys rode home giggling the whole way talking about their new friends and how good the food is there! LOL! I was so happy that they were happy. They don’t even know Mama is struggling financially. They are not supposed to.

I had a talk with them and let them know that we can not eat out every week like we used to do. And certain other things would change, like wild out trips to Chuckie Cheese and random toy shopping when they are good. But I promised them that we were gonna have a NEW kind of fun, with BETTER places to go. They were so excited. ~smile~

We can do this. Without him. If he doesn’t want to help. So be it.

Yesterday I had my weekly meeting with my Director. At the end of the meeting she gave me my new contract for the upcoming school year. I didn’t open it until I got inside my car. Once my door was closed I ripped open my package and scanned quickly for the bottom line. Those magic numbers.

I smiled.

I screamed.

I got a RAISE!

And it’s JUST enough to help me breathe again.

I won’t choke.

We won’t choke.

We will be okay.

And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is how God provides for his babies.

I learned that all this time I depended on their father for help when I shouldn’t have. Even if he decides to give $21,000 a month it won’t be him providing, it will be God. And right now, God is showing me how to stand up and take care of my family.

I am doing alright guys. I was scared for a minute, but you know, I am doing alright.

I am sooo happy!