My Personal Blog from 2003 to 2011
So, a sista get some braids and now all of a sudden I’m the new Janet Jackson without the booty?
Dang! My afro wasn’t that bad, or so I thought. I got me some blondish braids in my hair and I need a body guard to get around in this city.
I think I look just like I looked when I was in highschool. No big deal right?
What is it with men and their infatuation with women with long hair?
I had a rough day.
Why did my parents make me take 2 shots of vodka to calm my nerves?
Burp~
I’m out……………………….
Haters to the left. Haters to the right. What’s a girl to do?
Brush em off!
When a sista try to do right and live by God’s word all kind of opposition comes. It’s amazing how I live to help others dream and accomplish their goals and I don’t expect anything in return. My satisfaction comes from seeing others achieve more than they even dreamt they would. But somehow, through my kindness so many others want to try to squash my dreams and hate on me but you know what I know that God will never forsake me so the plans of my enemies will never overtake God’s plan for my life.
I believe that. I have to. If I didn’t I would be eaten alive by all the negativity being shot my way.
Be encouraged through all the hate. No one on this earth has the power to make or break you.
Live by the power of His word, not the power of their words.
I love you.
Everything is preparation for God’s will for your life.
Check this out.
A little over a year ago I started an email list that consisted of my close friends. The reason I started the email list was because my long distance was off the chain! I am the queen of keep in touch but it was costing me too much money to keep calling all of my friends who had moved away.
My former Pastor suggested that I keep in touch through email and one day at work I was bored so I wrote a story about what was going on in my life. My friends started emailing me asking me to keep writing more stories so I did. I added more people to my list and started writing encouraging words about my faith and sharing what I was learning in church and from my Pastor. My email list grew to include over a hundred people, all eager to read my crazy stories, poetry and words of faith.
Soon I began to develop my website, JUSTSAVED.COM and it took on a pretty good following. My desire to share encouraging testimonies snowballed because it seemed like everyone wanted to share their stories of how God moved in their lives. I had a few thousand people visit my website with absolutely NO ADVERTISING. A good Word travels fast right?
Later I came across someone’s weblog and you know the rest of that story. I am able to share about my life on a daily basis, the lessons that I am learning and the passion in my heart with so many wonderful people.
Then I made the big move. I moved to Miami to work for a newspaper and all of the stories and encouraging words that I love to share are getting published in the paper. Recently I was able to add another column in the paper which mirrors the purpose of my website. People write in to me and share their testimonies of how God changed their lives and I get to publish them to an audience of over 115,000 people a week.
All of those emails that I wrote, my weblog and even my website were all preparation for an even bigger audience. God is going to use my gift to glory Him and I am a willing vessel.
Even though I was just having fun, the lessons I learned through writing and sharing for the past year have given me the experience I need to be a better communicator.
Each step in your journey is just as important as the next. Everything builds from the bottom step. Don’t get frustrated at your humble beginnings. God has a plan if you will just allow Him to guide you.
Thank you for allowing me to share my heart with you. One day, In Jesus name, I will share my encouraging words with the world.
I don’t know why I’m so nervous.
I’m just going back to Gainesville to pick up the rest of my clothes, toys for the kids, etc.
I’ll only be there for a few hours and we’re right back on the road to Miami again.
What is this feeling that I am experiencing? I mean, I already moved away from there. I guess it’s knowing that once I give my key back and walk away, there’s really no turning back.
I’m glad my girl Marsha is coming with me. She’s a calming force in my life and she doesn’t mind doing all the driving since I hate to drive.
I’ll be there by 7am, we’re leaving tonight. Wow. It hurts so bad, but I know I did the right thing by moving.
Change is so uncertain. Change is so scary. But change is neccessary because change means growth.
I’m growing up. I’ll be 25 next week. Whoa.
As my sons fall asleep, tired from a hard day of play and I settle down to caress my boyfriend who I affectionately call, “The Net”, I have to smile at what an adventurous weekend I had and since I love to write I’ll share it with you.
It all started when we got on the road Thursday night. It was around 1:30 am and my two baby mama’s Marsha and Racole and I are all inside this HUGE Enterprise rental van on our way to Gainesville to pick up the rest of my stuff from my apartment.
For the first 30 minutes we’re wilding out, updating each other on our personal lives, loves and hopes for the future. After that, we’re gossipping about everyone we know and laughing at the silly niccas that ae trying to get our attention. I can’t take it anymore and I crawl into the back of the van and sleep for the next four hours. When I wake up it’s almost 6:30am and we’re right outside of Gainesville.
We get to my apartment and assess the damage. It turns out that I had a lot more stuff to pack than I thought.
We all lie down to take a nap and I wake to the sound of Racole regulating, “Wake up! Wake up! It’s 11 o’clock, time to move!”
We get up and start cleaning and throwing stuff away. After a couple of hours and some Guthries chicken in our bellies, I shower and run out to run some errands. When I get back, these chicks are looking cute with pressed jeans and summer tops, hair all shiny and bouncy. They want to go hang out at the mall. I look at them and say, “Why ya’ll trying me like this?! We came up here to move and I didn’t bring a thing to be wearing out to no mall.”
“Girl you look fine,” Racole says to me. I frown at her. I’m wearing some tiny shorts, a wife beater and some $2 flip flops with a head scarf on my head. I know I’m a natural beauty but come on dawg. “Child please!” I respond. “Ya’ll go ahead and I’ll catch up with you later.”
I spend the next couple of hours running more errands and then coming back to my dusty apartment to read and enjoy the airconditioning on a HOT HOT day. I decide to start packing up the truck myself but after only a few trips, I realize I need help. I call my lil brother but he doesn’t answer so I call my mama and have her call my friend Miguel but he’s too busy to come help me so I resign myself to try to do it all alone.
Lil Bro to the rescue
Before I make my next trip out to the truck, I see my little brother Erick pull up and step out. Little bro to the rescue again. We take a break and sit down to enjoy some candy and beverages and I had the most interesting conversation with him than I ever had.
“See,” he says. “You have to read the book of Revelations. Its obvious that these are the end times and people need to get right. I may not be perfect but I recognize God in my life and I want to be better for Him. What happened to our uncle Fred is a sign to everyone in our family that they need to get right. He got cancer too quickly and without any warning and everyone needs to see that God is about to come back. I’m trying to go in the rapture, I’m not gonna miss that. It’s been wild getting right, but I’m willing to do what I have to do.”
He spoke about his girlfriend being pregnant and that child being a gift from God to bless the world. He said he knows that unless he cleans his life up, that child won’t be able to help the people that he is intended to help.
I was shocked and I guess my face showed it because Erick laughed and said, “I know you look at me as your little brother and think I don’t know much but I’m very intelligent and God speaks to me all the time. When I hear the good Word from my Pastor I go and tell my boys and now all of them are talking about getting saved.”
We start packing again and my cutie patootie baby mama’s (sons godmothers) show up. Racole immediately launches into a supervisory role. Thank God she was there because we needed some direction on how to pack up this mountain of stuff into this van.
Someone in Gainesville loves me
While we’re packing I get a call on Marsha’s cell phone from Leon, my old covenant group leader from church. He is in the neighborhood and he and his wife want to stop by. I get excited because I got Leon hooked on this blog thing and the chat thing and we communicate often since we share the same pastime of chillin on the net.
We kick it for a few and I give them both big hugs and thank them for stopping by. Outside of those two and my girl Mimi, who was out of town, I didn’t have any more friends in town really. Donell was going to work and besides him I had no one that I chilled with.
Pressed for time
These chicks want to go out to eat and hang out and since we FINALLY got my truck all packed up I go lie down while they are out. Marsha comes in and sets the alarm on her cell phone for 4am and a while later I hear Racole come in and try to wake us up, talking about, “Ya’ll wake up! It’s boring!”
I laugh and roll over thinking, “You betta lay your hot behind down cuz we ain’t studding you.”
I blink my eyes to the sunlight coming in through the blinds. The sun can’t be up. We were supposed to be out of here before the sun came up. I nudge Marsha and ask her what happened to the alarm. She sits up and shrugs then jumps up and rushes us out into the truck. It is usually a 5 hour drive to Miami and I had to get back there, find my boys to meet me to help put all my stuff in storage and then return the rental by 4pm.
We get back on the road, Marsha’s driving again and in 4 hours flat we’re back in Miami. It’s a little after noon and I drop those chicks off and drive the fully loaded van up the block to my house.
I greet my mama who is getting dressed. “Uncle Fred died this morning. Take me to your auntie Linda’s house.”
Joe at my service
I call up my friend Joe and he gets there in a flash to help me move my stuff. We drop off my mama and I give him the address to the storage unit that already has my furniture in it. I had never been there because a couple of weeks ago my lil bro had packed up my big furniture and brought it down to Miami and put it in storage for me all without any help from me.
I’m figuring since Joe is a man, he’ll know where to go, but I was oh so wrong. We drive around Miami for more than an hour looking for the storage place. We’re all in Hialeah (another city) watching as the time gets later and later and we finally get some good directions and find the storage.
Joe sees that I am frustrated because we only have an hour to unload the stuff, take the stuff I want to back to my mama’s house and pick up my car then return it to Enterprise.
He tells me to sit down and let him unpack everything but I was so impatient that I ignore him and end up breaking my coffee table and two lamps. He looks at me and orders me to sit down. I comply, with one stipulation, that he takes off his shirt. LOL
Joe is a shorty with a banging body and he is as black as the keys on this keyboard which is oh so delicious. I watch in amazement as he pours with sweat, laboring over my pictures and random junk. There’s something about a black, oily sweaty man that is so appealing.
He finishes loading up the stuff and we hop in the rental truck heading back to my mom’s house to unoad the kids toys. I’m trying to call the rental car place to tell them that we’ll be late but I keep getting a busy signal.
We get back to my mom’s house, unload the stuff and I hop into my car following him to the rental car place. When we get there we’re 30 minutes late and the place is locked up.
My phone still isn’t working and it turns out that Metro PCS service had been down all day so that is why I couldn’t make any calls. Joe uses his phone to find a drop off location and I cringe when he tells me it is at the airport.
I’m so tired and hungry cuz I havent eaten all day and my hands start to sweat when I ask him, “Does this mean that we’ll have to get on the expressway?”
“Tee, you can do it,” he says. “Just watch my turn signal. Don’t give up now, we’re almost at the finish line.
Wrong Turn
Well, he must have forgotten that I was following him because Joe was hauling tail on that expressway. I’m gripping the steering wheel going about 40 mph because those turns are pretty sharp. I see him far ahead of me and I try to keep up with his tail lights but he’s going way to fast and those other aggressive drivers keep cutting me off. I see him make a U-turn and I think to myself, “I know this boy is not lost AGAIN! DAMN!”
I bust the U and keep focused on his taillights. My phone rings and it is Freddy and I’m telling him all about how I think we’re lost again. Suddenly I blink twice as my car catches up with the tail lights I had been following. I had been following the wrong van the whole time. Doh!
I began to freak out because the road is veering onto another expressway and I have no idea where this road was going. Freddy tells me to get off the phone before I crash and to figure out what I needed to do. I almost cried as I hung up. Almost. I didn’t let a single tear roll down my cheeks as I followed the heavy traffic off into oblivion. My phone rings again and it’s Joe.
“Baby, where are you?”
“I thought I was following you but you were going too fast,” I whimper.
“Calm down and tell me what you see around you.”
“Joe! I dont see anything but traffic, there are no street signs!”
“OK, at the first chance you get, pull over and park and then describe where you are.”
“OK Joe. I’m in a parking lot. There’s a used car lot on the corner. It has yellow flags.”
“Ok, I can see the flags up ahead. Just wait for me there.”
I see the rental truck turn the corner and I reverse to back out of the lot. BAM!
Oh no! I hit someone’s car. I get out to see if there is any damage and there is none and I motion to Joe to come over.
“Joe,” I whisper. “I hit that car behind me.”
“Did anyone come out? he asks.
“No.”
“Well then come on. Let’s go!”
We speed out of there and 20 minutes later we’re pulling up at the airport Enterprise. I exhale as we hand over the keys to the rental van and Joe asks me if I’m gonna drive home.
“Hell no!” I say and roll my eyes. He laughs and plops into the drivers seat.
I drop him off to meet up with his father and he laughs as I thank him for helping me all day. “No problem Tee, I’ll call you later.”
Can’t sleep
I finally get home and I’m so happy because my sons are not there. Their daddy was in town and he had them for the weekend. I try to lie down but I’m too keyed up. I drive over to my aunt’s house to se everyone who has shown up to comfort my auntie and pay respect to her and our family.
My head is throbbing and I tell my mama that I’m going home to lie down. My cousin Simon follows me home and we chill for a bit and talk about growing up in our family.
It’s now midnight and I still haven’t slept but my headache is gone. Simon suggests we go out to celebrate my last night of freedome since my boys would be returning the next afternoon. I get dressed and we try to find a movie theatre that was playing White Chicks but we couldn’t find one. So, we grabbed some taco bell and he brought me back home.
I’m just about to put on my bed clothes when Joe calls.
“What’s up Tee?”
“What’s up Joe.”
“Let’s hang out. I know it’s late but I want to talk.”
“It’s 2 in the morning Joe. I can’t drive around this late I’ll crash.”
“Tee.”
“Whatever Joe, I’m not moving.”
We end up staying on the phone for 30 minutes just talking and it’s really nice to talk to someone who came from where you came from. We grew up on the same block and overcame the same hurdles. No one can understand you like someone who grew up around your way.
I say, “OK Joe, We may as well go out. I’ll be over there in a few minutes.”
I get up and pick him up and we drive to the beach. Both he and I hadn’t made the trip to the beach at night in a while so it was a sobering experience for us both.
If the ocean could talk
There is nothing like looking at the ocean at night. You step onto the soft sand and inhale the salty air. You catch glimpses of lovers holding hands, bums getting their rest and people just walking up and down getting some fresh air. It’s not crowded at all though and we both sit down by the waters edge.
It’s now after 3 in the morning and the sky is a cloudless, midnight blue. The horizon is barely visable and it seems as if the rolling ocean blends into the dark sky. The roar of the tide coming in is loud yet comforting. We watch the waves crash in and play with the sea foam on our fingertips.
“Tee, just think about how many wishes this ocean has heard,” Joe says. He’s sentimental just like me. “Just imagine how may promises were made to this sea.”
I smile and laugh cuz I know just what he means. Out here staring out into the dark sky it seems as if you can communicate with the heavens. With the quiet of the night and the feeling of being such a tiny part of the universe, it’s easy to start analyzing your life and assessing the areas that you want to change.
Under the dark night sky of the ocean you feel as though even if things aren’t going so well, you still have a chance to make it better.
Joe gets into his reflective mood and starts to talk about our relationship.
“I was very hurt when you got pregnant Tee. But what could I do? I always thought it would be me who would be there with you to experience your firsts, but I missed it all.”
I just stay quiet because I can tell he wants to talk.
“No matter who you’re with or what you do, you won’t ever be Tee to me. You’ll always be ‘My Tee’.”
I’m sure I fell asleep while he was talking because when I looked up he was sitting on the opposite side of me watching me.
He pulled me up to my feet and we walked along the shore for a while longer and then we drove home.
I got in around 5:30am. I was beat. Dead tired. I didnt even change my clothes I just fell out.
Wrapping up
When I woke up it was 11 am. My cousins called me to take them to run some errands and I did then my other cousin Simon came to take me out to the movies to see White Chicks, which was the funniest movie that I have seen since the original Friday. Everyone needs to go see it.
All in all I had a good weekend. I got me some delicious conch salad too. I’m still a little tired but I’m glad I wrote this story, it was fun for me.
I hope you enjoyed it. I’m going to bed now.
Goodnight.
Did I ever mention that I love my job? I love waking up in the morning and coming here. I love the opportunity it presents to meet people in the community. The only thing is, I don’t see anywhere for me to be promoted to. That’s a bad thing. If I can’t climb higher and grow, then what will I do? I can’t stay stagnant. So, I guess one day I will move on, but for now I’m really happy. Wow!
Oh yeah…
Yesterday I did something that was not really in my heart to do. You know how your mind knows the right thing but your desires are totally in another place and you battle because you aren’t really convicted but you KNOW that you are doing wrong?
That was me all day yesterday.
After work I went to my storage unit to search through my stuff to find some important papers. It was hot, but manageable. My phone rings and it is Joe. I tell him where I am and immediately he tells me that he’s coming to help me. I try to convince him not to come but as always he doesn’t listen. He’ll do anything to help me.
So he gets there and I find the papers and we’re getting ready to leave when I jump in his truck and begin my speech that I had prepared.
“Joe, you know that us spending time like this is not right. I know it’s wrong even though I really don’t care, but I can’t just do wrong like this. You have a girlfriend and whatever it was that we had in the past needs to be squashed because if we don’t it will hurt our relationship in the long run. How can I help you basically cheat on your girl and then call myself your friend? You treat me like I’m your girlfriend but I’m not. You have her on your arm and me on the side and I’m worth more than that. I know you love me. I know you do. But I don’t want someone’s shared love. I want someone who will love me and me ALONE.”
He looked solemn. “So, what does this mean, Tee?”
I coughed and responded, “This means no more spending time alone like this. No more running to my rescue. I’m going to start to have expectations of you that you won’t be able to fill and I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to be sitting around upset that you’re with your girl and not me. I don’t see how we can continue to be friends when we both know it’s a facade.”
“I want whatever you want Tee. I hope you know you’re a permanent part of my life, but if us seeing each other all the time is causing you to feel bad about our relationship then whatever you want to do we’ll do,” he said.
I jumped out of his truck and turned to him. “Now this means you betta act right with this girl and don’t mess up! Cuz I could have just rolled on and enjoyed myself and messed up what you guys have, but I’m a real friend and I want you to be happy and if five years with this chick has been good to you, you shouldn’t step out of it for me. In a few years, you’ll thank me. When you two are getting married you’ll look at me and say, ‘You could have tried to mess up’, but you didnt. And I won’t Joe.”
And I got in my car and left.
I have to admit I cried on the way home. All this time I have desired someone who would say the things he said to me. I wanted someone who would come to my rescue like he does. I wanted someone who is just as physically appealing as he is. And it felt nice to have that even for a little while. But the fact remains, he wasn’t mine to keep. And even if I had decided to ignore my gut feeling about being with him, eventually I would have been hurt a lot worse.
I am not a second rate woman. I am a first round draft pick. Even though it looked like it was exactly what I wanted since I had known him longer, I am prettier and more driven than she is and I could have played all my cards to get him, I dont think I should have to win by manipulation.
I don’t want to win by competition either. If and when God decides to send someone my way, I want to knock everyone else out of the running as soon as I walk into the room. No ghost relationships from the past. No old desires to fight off. Just me. Just loving me.
And even though I don’t feel it yet in my heart, I know I did the right thing. And I will continue to wait.