Did I ever mention that I love my job? I love waking up in the morning and coming here. I love the opportunity it presents to meet people in the community. The only thing is, I don’t see anywhere for me to be promoted to. That’s a bad thing. If I can’t climb higher and grow, then what will I do? I can’t stay stagnant. So, I guess one day I will move on, but for now I’m really happy. Wow!

Oh yeah…

Yesterday I did something that was not really in my heart to do. You know how your mind knows the right thing but your desires are totally in another place and you battle because you aren’t really convicted but you KNOW that you are doing wrong?

That was me all day yesterday.

After work I went to my storage unit to search through my stuff to find some important papers. It was hot, but manageable. My phone rings and it is Joe. I tell him where I am and immediately he tells me that he’s coming to help me. I try to convince him not to come but as always he doesn’t listen. He’ll do anything to help me.

So he gets there and I find the papers and we’re getting ready to leave when I jump in his truck and begin my speech that I had prepared.

“Joe, you know that us spending time like this is not right. I know it’s wrong even though I really don’t care, but I can’t just do wrong like this. You have a girlfriend and whatever it was that we had in the past needs to be squashed because if we don’t it will hurt our relationship in the long run. How can I help you basically cheat on your girl and then call myself your friend? You treat me like I’m your girlfriend but I’m not. You have her on your arm and me on the side and I’m worth more than that. I know you love me. I know you do. But I don’t want someone’s shared love. I want someone who will love me and me ALONE.”

He looked solemn. “So, what does this mean, Tee?”

I coughed and responded, “This means no more spending time alone like this. No more running to my rescue. I’m going to start to have expectations of you that you won’t be able to fill and I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to be sitting around upset that you’re with your girl and not me. I don’t see how we can continue to be friends when we both know it’s a facade.”

“I want whatever you want Tee. I hope you know you’re a permanent part of my life, but if us seeing each other all the time is causing you to feel bad about our relationship then whatever you want to do we’ll do,” he said.

I jumped out of his truck and turned to him. “Now this means you betta act right with this girl and don’t mess up! Cuz I could have just rolled on and enjoyed myself and messed up what you guys have, but I’m a real friend and I want you to be happy and if five years with this chick has been good to you, you shouldn’t step out of it for me. In a few years, you’ll thank me. When you two are getting married you’ll look at me and say, ‘You could have tried to mess up’, but you didnt. And I won’t Joe.”

And I got in my car and left.

I have to admit I cried on the way home. All this time I have desired someone who would say the things he said to me. I wanted someone who would come to my rescue like he does. I wanted someone who is just as physically appealing as he is. And it felt nice to have that even for a little while. But the fact remains, he wasn’t mine to keep. And even if I had decided to ignore my gut feeling about being with him, eventually I would have been hurt a lot worse.

I am not a second rate woman. I am a first round draft pick. Even though it looked like it was exactly what I wanted since I had known him longer, I am prettier and more driven than she is and I could have played all my cards to get him, I dont think I should have to win by manipulation.

I don’t want to win by competition either. If and when God decides to send someone my way, I want to knock everyone else out of the running as soon as I walk into the room. No ghost relationships from the past. No old desires to fight off. Just me. Just loving me.

And even though I don’t feel it yet in my heart, I know I did the right thing. And I will continue to wait.