Month: February 2004

PRINCE!

I just spoke with my girl Tamara in Tallahassee and shes doing OK. I’m so frustrated about her situation because I somehow thought things with her would be different. He boyfriend/baby daddy recently broke up with her and she’s left to be a single Mom too. Just like me. Just like my other bestfriend Anna.

I wouldnt wish this lifestyle on anyone. Raising children is not a process that one person should handle. The children will always be lacking in one area or another, even if they dont realize it. But with Tamara I hate to see her face this because shes such a good girl. Sincerely.

You know how some women are mean, insecure and sometimes sabotage their own relationships, Tamara is not like that. I can handle this pain, this rejection. I have handled it well I think. I’m used to being by myself. Not Tamara. She’s such a good girl. She doesnt deserve to be rejected like that. TO have her dream of a family crushed like that. I wish I could take all of her pain for myself so she would not be stung. I’m hard. I’ve been through it. Pain is familiar and so is rejection. I can take whatever and still manage. Tamara isn’t like me.

But you know, it all comes down to whether or not you waited for God when considering your mate. If you do things on your own, things arent gonna work. And if they do, just imagine what you could have had if you waited on God. I believe that 100%.

See, my church is a trip, I know, but they have some revelations about waiting on God that are hard to swallow if you want to do your own thing. I am so tired of doing my own thing. I want to do it God’s way or no way. All of this unhappiness around me with women who are dating outside of God’s will just further causes me to embrace the teaching at my church about not dating. I watch them as they fumble, they trip up and they sometimes score a touchdown. But the game is often upsetting and surprising and I dont want to gamble with my heart based on my own strength and skill.

Yeah, its difficult being a woman and having so much love inside. It’s funny because I think my sons may grow up thinking that all women are supposed to adore them. I smother them with kisses, with cuddles and I serve them like they are my kings. I do anything to see them smile and make them laugh. I sleep better when they are in my arms. Am i wrong?

Their daddy says I have misplaced affection cuz I dont have a man, but I think Im okay. I’m not inappropriate in my affection, I just have a lot of love to give an I am very affectionate and right now they are the only ones who stand still long enough to receive it. ~smile~

I’m not up here freaking out thinking that i REALLY need a man in my life. I used to want to hunch, but I dont want that anymore. I dont know what I want. I guess I just want whatever is supposed to happen to just HAPPEN ALREADY. Enough with the mystery. This waiting is getting kinda old. LOL I soemtimes feel like when I do receive my husband Im gonna look at him like, What took you so long? and roll my eyes cuz I have been handling things on my own for so long that there is really no need for him. But I guess if God has that for me then he will be able to fulfill some need in my life, although right now I cant see what that could be.

SOMEONE I know has to do things the right way. SOMEONE I know has to be happy. Enough with this cycle of drama and tears.

I cut my sugarpops hair today. My younger son Solomon is now a big boy with a low cut. Ofcourse I cried as his big afro hit the floor but I cant braid it and it was difficult finding people to braid it for me so most of the time he looked disheveled yet cute. Im happy with his cut but he doesnt look like my little baby anymore. ~awww~

Maybe he’ll start talking soon. He’s 19 months and he only says “MAAA!” Im having him set up for speech therapy classes but im not worried. His big brother and I talk so much he probably feels like he doesnt have anything to add. I’m sure he’ll be fine.

IN OTHER NEWS

It’s amazing how, when youre in Christ, so many people judge you and nit pick at how you live. They expect for you to be this perfect person the minute you profess to live for God. Especially those who arent living for Christ. They use your inadequacies as their excuse not to serve God. They figure if you cant get it right 100% of the time, then how can they do it and they dont want to pretend or play with God.

Yeah, I live for Christ. I hope my life brings honor to Him, but I know that sometimes I slip up. I know that sometimes my heart is not as pure as His. A life in Christ is a process, not a magic door that you step through.

When you start living for Christ you will see the evidence of His presence inyour life but its not going to happen immediately in every area. It took 21 years for me to get all screwed up, It;s not gonna take 2 minutes for everything to get all better.

I realized that God is working in me this weekend when I faced a seemingly scary situation. I went online to check my financial aid status because it seemed that some money had been deposited into my checking account from UF and I had no idea why it was there. I knew I had a hold on my school account because of unpaid parking tickets so I didnt expect to be able to see anything. But when I logged in, my holds were cleared.

I froze, wondering what had happened. I hadnt checked my grades from my last semester because of the hold on my account, so i looked at my transcript, you dont even want to hear what my GPA was. But the most frightening thing I saw was that I got a D+ in my computer class.

Understand, this class was the big obstacle I faced during my last semester. I was taking it for a math credit because every other math class I took I couldnt pass and this was my last hope during my last semester which was a lot of pressure. The entire semester I struggled in this class. I prayed so hard and practiced but it still looked as though I was going to fail. Just two weeks before the end of the semester, just before I took my last test, I went to the head instructor, instead of the TA and asked if she thought I would pass with my scores. She said No. But she took mercy on me and gave me extra credit and on the LAST day of classes I went to see her and she looked at my grades and gave me a hug and told me that I had done it. She congralulated me and told me good luck. I screamed all the way down the hallway.

See, I needed to pass that class with a C in order to graduate. All of my other classes were journalism classes and I did well in them so I didnt have to worry. So, I went and walked in my graduation ceremony two days later and celebrated with my friends and family.

So, when I saw the D+ I was shocked. I wondered if this was the reason I had financial aid in my account. Did UF still consider me to be a student? I checked my degree status and it said: No degree received at UF. I stared at the screen blankly.

My worst nightmare.

But you know what? I didnt cry. I didnt shake, I didnt fall out like Im so used to doing. I just said to myself, I did everything that I could do last semester. I did my best.

Today I went to talk to the instructor and she changed my grade, saying that I had come up short by just a few points on the last exam and she gave me some more extra credit to do to get those points. I was really cool about it. I cant believe that.

God must have done a work in me because Im so emotional I would have flipped out but I didnt. I kept my cool. And Im fine. It turns out that extra financial aid was really my award money for that writing competition I had won. I didnt expect it to come into my account. I was waiting for a check in the mail. So, it turned out to be my money after all. Yay!

This is exactly what we have to do when faced with any kind of trial or upsetting news. It’s not our battle to fight. God is in total control. Your whining or crying won’t make anything better, though it may make you feel better for a moment. Just chill and let God do His thing. Save yourself some tears.

I’m going to save mine for the happy days.

Love,

Tee

You know, I get lots of people who write to me and tell me how much Ive impacted their life with my honesty. I guess some struggles are universal and so many people realize they see themselves in me.

Most times I dont feel like Im struggling though. Most of my struggles come when other people try to speak into my life and tell me how I should be living and what I should be feeling. Then I struggle and wrongly so, because it’s not God I’m trying to please it’s them.

And Im guilty of being one of those people who try to push my convictions on others. I realize its out of love when I do it, but its still the same ‘ol thing. Until God moves, the thing you want your friend/disciple/co-worker to become convicted about, will never change. I’m not saying dont say anything to them. Mention it and then leave it alone. I’m so tired of feeling like I dont measure up and more importantly Im sorry I make my friends feel like their effort is worthless.

Any effort is better than none at all although you should aim to raise the bar in your standard of living for Christ on a consistent basis. But who wouldnt get tired of hearing that they dont measure up to what you think they should be? It’s been over a year and a half of that- Its getting really old.

But will I stress it? Im past that. I’m so tired of trying to please people. I will just continue to celebrate those who accept me for me- even with all my mess.

I once wrote a poem about expectations. I cant remember the whole thing, but the first few lines went like this:

Your Expectations are like wishes for me

As if my wishes arent enough

Too bad I didnt know you expected anything

Until I didnt measure up…

Hmm….

I think He knows…

Sometimes my son looks up at me and smiles. His little hand just doesnt seem to want to let go of me. He grins at me with this look on his face that says, “You are the greatest!”

My heart is warmed and I give him the biggest hug imagineable and my thoughts float back to the day when I had decided not to have him. When I got pregnant with my second son, Solomon, my heart was broken. His father and I had just gotten back together and things were going pretty well, except for the fact that I knew I was out of God’s will by being with him.

When I found out I was pregnant, a mere two weeks after we had gotten back together, we decided that it wasnt beneficial for either of us to have another child. My career was just looking up after my first son. Somehow I had managed to get back in school and had even received internship offers that would make any budding journalist proud. To have this child would mean I would have had to give up my internships, take a break from school again and struggle even more financially.

I found my old journal that I kept during that time, you know I am always writing. It chronicled my thought process and brought tears to my eyes. I wrote a poem to my unborn child, trying to explain to him that it wasn’t feasible to have another child right now. I apologized to him and asked his forgiveness for what i was planning to do.

Then God stepped in, I know it was Him, because at that time I couldnt see the favor that God would grant me. I just knew that I couldnt go through with it. Everything went just as my sons father had predicted before he left me; I lost my internships, went back on welfare and stopped going to school.

At first I thought all was lost, but now I understand, it was all my gain. I have everything I have ever wanted, two beautiful sons who adore me, my degree (PRAISE THE LORD) and even a good paying job. And for some reason, in those beautiful brown eyes, I see a little boy who knows a good woman when he sees one.

Through my difficult circumstances I made wise choices though they didnt seem that wise in the natural realm. People kept telling me to think about myself. I chose not to. I thought of my son. I thought about God.

It took having my second son to see the truth about his father. He wasnt down for me. He didnt love me like God does. And now I am glad that I honored the ONE who truly loves me because he has kept me even through my disobedience.

I may not live like you think I should live. I may not love like you think I should love. But Im here and God loves me so much and regardless of who believes it or not, regardless of if you think I deserve it, he showers me with blessings everyday.

I may not meet up with man’s approval. I dont seek that anymore. Sitting here in my apartment, enjoying the peace and quiet while my boys sleep, I know that I am pleasing to God. I know He is proud of me and the choices that I continue to make. He gives me favor and grace and His hand is over me. He gives me the strength to move on, even when it seems hopeless.

Guys, I am so in love with my FATHER. The only one who has even been totally pleased with me. I choose not to confuse Him with man who will always look at me through jaded eyes and I choose to make right choices for myself and my children through His guidance. Im not racing anyone. I’m not competing for your blessings. I am moving at my own pace, guided by God, ordained by His will and motivated my love for Him.

I am in Him and He is in me. Always.

Everyday during my lunch break, I come home and call my friends and chat because I cant do it at work.

Its my favorite part of the day, besides leaving work and picking up my kids.

I like Charlene. She is my co-worker. She is older than my mother but she is a very nice lady. She has this countenance about her that is magnetic. Everyone genuinely loves her and she has a great attitude about life. I hope some of that rubs off on me while I am working there. I’m glad that God brought her into my life.

By the way, I love me some Mimi. OH YEAH! I almost forgot! Get ready for the story of how Mimi met her fiancee’ WITHOUT DATING HIM! You’re gonna fall out! I’ll take some time to think about this before I post this story. Stay tuned!!

I’ve had a hard day today.

But because I love God and I know He is taking care of me I choose to trust Him.

In light of my dissatisfaction with my current job, I am stepping out on faith and starting my job search again. This time I am not limiting my search to the Gainesville area. I have attacked Monster.com viciously sending out resumes to over 10 companies tonight. I know that I am talented in communications. I know that I am driven and hard working. I have a vision that God has given me and I must believe that it will come to pass even though I cant see past my frustrations right now.

I just have to breathe deep and stay firmly rooted in Him. I pray that He will open only those doors that He has for me to walk through. I am quite unhappy with my current situation and I figure I can be unhappy anywhere. I dont need to limit myself to this one town.

I ask that you pray for me to be sensitive to God’s voice and to control my emotions during this rough patch.

God’s desire is to give life abundantly.

Abundantly. He doesnt desire for His children to be stuck and unmotivated. He didnt give me this gift to sit on it. He wants me to use it to glorify Him and I will, if given the opportunity.

I have finally realized the truth about ppl. And it almost drove me to the edge. I quit my job last Friday, for two hours.

But let me back up. Ive been working at my office for about a month now. And since day one there has been so much tension and rudeness directed toward me that I have dreaded going there everyday. Im not pulling the race card just yet but I am the only black person who works there full time.

Ive been reported for humming on the job. Yes I said HUMMING! child please! People have rolled their eyes at me and made rude comments and not invited me to office functions. The one person who introduced herself to me as a sister in Christ was the main one who was trying to encourage me to leave and get my boss to fire me. I didnt even know it. She would sit in my ear all day and plant seeds of negativity about my happiness, the job and my boss Neale, all the while pretending that she had my best interests at heart. She complained about him all day, saying that he was incompetent and that no one respected him and she had to speak the truth to him. She would say that she recognized talents in me that were not going to be nurtured at this job and that Neale made a poor decison when he hired me.

I began to feel sad for him and even worse for myself because let her tell it, everyone resented me for being there because I wasnt hired under normal circumstances. I began to feel like a loser. I took all this into my heart because I trusted her because she said she was a Christian. I realize now that the title does not certify, the condition of the heart does.

And after I spoke with my Pastor about it, he reminded me that with favor comes persecution. Ofcourse no one there understands how I got that job. It was FAVOR. Ofcourse they want to try to run me away. I dont look like them, Im not old like them and I’m not into kissing anyone’s behind.

I’m still hurting though. this has been one horrible experience. I havent even mentioned what this one lady said and did to me, but you know what, its all good. im not gonna let this make me revert back to the old days when i blamed an entire race for what a few had done. I wont go back there. This is a test. And Im gonna pass!

And guess what, until God moves me out of that place, I dont care what anyone thinks of me- I AINT GOING NO WHERE!

~rolls eyes~

I told you my friend Tamara was a little off. WHy did this chick call me two nights ago telling me that she getting ready to go to the club and that she wasnt feeling well at all. She said the only reason she was going out was because she heard that a shot of vodka can cure a cold.

I sat, stunned. And I laughed. People say the craziest things.

I must admit I like that guy, you know the guy who sang ‘She Bang’ on American Idol. In fact, that was the only time I have ever watched that show and for some reason his performance stuck with me. His name is William Hung.

Yeah, he was really bad and rhythmless but he actually thought he could make it on American idol, THAT is what is amazing. Its always those cute, clueless guys that seem to get next to me. Their innocence is very appealing. I hear that hes got some fame now. People recognize him everywhere. Well, thats good! I hope he makes some money off of this thing. He wasnt afraid to stand up there and look stupid. He didnt even know he was bad. He just did his thing, the best way he knew how.

And thats admirable.

Meet Will Hung