101 Things I’d Never Reveal on a First Date
(and other embarrassing facts you never wanted to know about me)

1. Sure I have a natural hairdo, plastic glasses and a thoughtful expression, but I’m not as smart as I look.
2. I never watch Jeopardy because I get mad when I only get one question right.
3. I have only three bras that have been on rotation for the past three years.
4. I usually wash dishes when all of the dishes in my cabinet are dirty.
5. I wear thongs almost everyday but I hate, HATE, HATE them. I just can’t stop.
6. Right now most of my clothes are in a big pile on the floor.
7. I don’t wear underwear in the summer.
8. My favorite place to shop is in my friends closets.
9. I am most self concious about my teeth.
10. I wear a size 10 shoe and I’m only 5’1″.
11. I deeply distrust white men.
12. I deeply distrust all men.
13. I sometimes pray and thank God that I am not ugly.
14. When my 2 year old is throwing a fit, I have to walk away when I began to imagine myself putting him in the closet.
15. I think I’m really pretty from far away, but up close- oh my God!
16. One of my breasts is bigger than the other one.
17. They both look like those things you use to write on the cake with.
18. My stomache looks like the view of the top of a pumpkin, you know, with the stem cut out. Yeah, that’s it.
19. I blow my nose, REALLY loudly. It’s so annoying.
20. I once cursed out my entire sorority when they were annoying me over some BS. They didn’t know that I had just found out I was pregnant with baby #2 and his father had just dumped me.
21. I have two kids but I have been pregnant more than twice, from the same man.
22. When I was 8 months pregnant I spent a night in jail.
23. One of my biggest fears is prison, so I try to do everything the right way.
24. In highschool I thought about killing myself everyday.
25. Funny how I was voted Most Popular and Senior Class President.
26. I secretly wonder how in the hell I acquired so many wonderful friends.
27. When I get sweaty I smell like corn chips.
28. Every morning in addition to brushing my teeth and putting on my make-up, I have to take out my tiny scissors and clip the hairs that grow on my chin.
29. Sometimes I just say, fugget it and rock my beard. Who gonna say somethin to me?
30. I ONLY wear padded bras.
31. I have been out of highschool for 8 years and I have only had one real boyfriend since then.
32. We got back together for 6 weeks in 2001.
33. That’s when we conceived our second child.
34. So if you don’t count that little affair, I have been single for five years.
35. There is one chick that I CAN’T STAND. Just one, on this entire planet.
36. She frustrates me because she is so unoriginal. I wish she could have a thought or an idea of her own.
37. The only chick I’ve ever been jealous of was in college- her name is Dianna B.
38. She is the only chick that I ever thought was all around tighter than me.
39. After getting to know her a little better, my feelings changed and I began to like her because I realized she wasn’t as perfect as I thought.
40. I still think she’s prettier than me though.
41. I wish her happiness and success because I feel guilty about disliking her over stupid jealousy.
42. I don’t think I am gay but I find women sexually attractive.
43. If I were gay I would definately be the “man” but feminine with it.
44. Women just aren’t enough for me though.
45. I was fondled (tried) by my good friend this year after a drunken night out at a party and I had to talk to a counselor about it.
46. I felt like I had been raped. I wondered what I had done to deserve it. I felt like maybe I had invited it. I hated myself. I felt like shit.
47. My friend is a girl and I haven’t spoken to her since.
48. After that incident it took me a while to recover.
49. The mere thought of anything sexual caused me to get pissed off and I had nightmares for a while.
50. I’m much better now.
51. I hate acknowledging bodily functions.
52. I won’t boo boo in public or at work.
53. I’m so glad I live close to my job cuz I can walk home everyday for lunch and handle my business.
54. I am extremely impatient.
55. Sometimes I think to myself, “If I hear the word ‘Mommy’ ONE MORE TIME, I will snap!”
56. I like to give oral pleasure but I’d rather not receive it.
57. I’m not afraid of death.
58. I’m more afraid of life.
59. I have a ‘friend’ for emergencies.
60. I am trying not to call him though.
61. And I brushed him off when he called me last week.
62. I’m stronger than I thought.
63. I don’t want to be with an unnattractive man because I am afraid our daughter will look like him.
64. I don’t want to have any daughters even though I used to.
65. I’ve cheated on every boyfriend that I have ever had.
66. Except my first.
67. He broke my heart. I realized that guys didn’t take relationships seriously, so I didn’t either.
68. I don’t care if you think I’m weird.
69. I think I’m weird too.
70. It’s a lot of trouble being my friend.
71. I’m an extremely jealous friend.
72. My number one rule is, “Thou shalt not have any other friends before me!”
73. You only get one chance to f*** up.
74. I can meet a man any day of the week, so there are plenty of assholes where you came from.
75. My favorite rapper is Eminem.
76. The sexy, crazy, cool chick you met is not the real me.
77. The real me longs to be closer to God.
78. The real me is still trying to figure out how to accomplish that.
79. I hate cleaning up.
80. I am very, very sweet but I know men don’t like that.
81. If I have sex on the first night, I won’t call you again.
82. What for?
83. I CAN cook, but I’d rather not.
84. I want to be spoiled, but I know it ain’t gonna happen unless I do it myself.
85. The last man to do something sweet for me was my friend Reggie. He bought me some clippers so I could cut my son’s hair. It was a nice surprise.
86. I don’t know how to work this damn Direct TV remote.
87. If you are nice to me, I’ll be the best friend you ever had.
88. I punched all kinds of holes in my wall trying to put up my curtains. But I did it!
89. Now I just need to figure out how to cover up all these extra holes. yikes!
90. The inside of my car looks like a garbage pile.
91. There are enough cookies and toys and magazines and junk mail to make you dizzy.
92. I always say, “I’ll clean it tomorrow.”
93. My house has been relatively clean for two whole weeks. That’s a RECORD!
94. I know I’d make a good wife because I am a good friend.
95. These aren’t my real eyes. ~just playin~
96. I love to fix myself a drink and chat online late at night.
97. I just LAUGH and LAUGH and giggle and it’s so much fun! LMAO!
98. I’m the dumbest geek you’ll ever meet.
99. I smoke every now and then.
100. I’ve never made love.
101. I’d like to, tonight, if possible.

Ahhh, what a relief. Every wacky, embarrassing fact about me.

Nowhere near perfect. I’m just me.