You’re Gonna Find Yourself..
Somewhere..Somehow

I woke up early today.

I took a hot shower and pulled on my black v-neck sweater over a long sleeved purple button down shirt. I pulled on a pair of old jeans and my black heels and stood quietly in front of the mirror.

As I applied my makeup I thought of Ruby and the day we first spoke to each other on campus. I was standing at the bus stop in front of the J-School and she was walking by. We smiled and said hi and then I asked her why she was looking so cute that day. No one on campus dressed up for class, but here Ruby was… a full face of makeup, hair looking precise and jeans all nicely pressed.

“Girl…I have to look like this. I’m going to pick up my last check,” she said with a smirk. “Fuck’em. I will never let’em see me sweat.”

I laughed to myself as I applied my eyeliner and then my blush and last but not least, two coats of dark burgundy lip gloss and a coat of cinnamon lip gloss.

Damn you look good girl…

I admired myself in the mirror for a moment more and then I went into my living room for some quiet time. I read my daily affirmations and called on the peace of God and His infinite wisdom. I reminded myself that all things work together for the good of them that love the Lord and that every action, thought and wish that I send forth into this world will be returned to me like lightening.

All of the wisdom that had been passed down to me flashed through my mind as I sat on the floor, enjoying the quiet of the moment.

I will persist until I succeed.

Sometimes you have to just…turn the page.

If it hurts too much to maintain, you have to be smart enough to let go. Love yourself more.

God is my supply.

Every man/woman I meet on this journey is a link in the chain toward my greater good.

The life which is mine by divine right can not be denied by man.

I grabbed my red leather bag and went out to my car. I pressed play and my ear drums were invaded by the soothing sounds of Corrine B. Rae.

“You’re gonna find yourself..someway…somehow…” I sang along with her.

I played the song three times on the way to work, the message of her song, my only companion. Peace.

I parked in the spot that I usually do and on my way to the elevator the ground started to shake.

I closed my eyes and allowed the vibration to tickle my mind.

“Open your eyes,” a voice said.

When I opened them I stared across a deep chasm in the mountainside. I looked down at my feet and my heart trembled at the two inch ledge I was delicately balanced on.

Shit….

Shit….

“I’ve been preparing you for this day,” a voice said.

I stood frozen, knees trembling, my fingers desperately searching for a place to hold on to.

“I’m scared. I don’t want to do this again. I just want to do right. I just wanna find home…”

“Do you trust me?”

A single tear trickled down my cheek.

“God…you know I do. But this hurts. I’m so alone. I need you.”

“You’ve got me. Now step out and embrace me.”

The steady flow of tears turned into sobs as I gazed out over the deep sinkhole.

No…Not again… I don’t always want to be this strong Lord. Can I just…for a minute..Can I be weak? Can someone pour into ME? Can I just…be loved on, please? I’m always fighting. I’m always giving. I’m always trying to do right. I’m tired. Please… I just want to give my gift…

“Step out. Trust me.”

I closed my eyes and took a step forward.

Into the elevator, up through the lobby and into my director’s office.

“I trust you Lord,” I said with a peace that surpasses all understanding.

And so I jumped.