You Can Hate Me Now

I’m walking into my night job and I’m happy as usual because I like being there. I pass by this group of Black women and I smile and say Hi. They mumble their response and look away. I raise my eyebrow and stroll on. Must be having a bad day…



In the morning I drop off my sons at their school. Two Black female teachers that I have never met are standing outside. “Goodmorning,” I say. One walks past me without saying a word. The other says “Goodmorning.” and rolls her eyes.



I walk into a room full of people I don’t know well. One woman immediately starts to whisper to her friend and guestures toward me. They laugh. When I am within range of this woman I smile and say Hi. During our conversation she makes all kind of catty comments about women with afro’s and even the mentions the whole “house slave” thing.



I once had a friend tell me, “You know, after knowing you, I sometimes forget you are light-skinned.”

While generally, I’ve never had a problem with women I didn’t know, I can’t understand how someone can stereotype me because of the color of my skin.

In school I was always treated like I was someone special. EVERY YEAR, by EVERY teacher. I was always the teachers pet, always the class helper, etc. When I got older, around middle school I began to learn more about skin color differences and how guys treated light skinned girls differently (better).

As always, my nature had me rooting for the underdog, and I began to resent being light skinned. I couldn’t accept that I was just “sparkly”. Every time I won an award or a guy liked me I chalked it up to them just trying to give me favor because I was Red.

I hated it. If FOR ONE MINUTE, I thought a guy liked me because I had green eyes, I don’t care how fine he was, I wouldn’t give him the time of day.

In highschool I would sit on the bus stop with my girls Tamara and Anna, all 3 of us sucking lollipops with our legs crossed and matching sunglasses. As guys would approach me or typically in Miami they just yell out the car window, “Hey REDDD!” I would think to myself, “Would they still holla if I was darker?”

I think it goes back to my self esteem issue. For some reason I couldn’t allow myself to celebrate how great I was. I made up excuse after excuse for why I was successful and why people liked me. I didn’t allow myself to accept that I was great.

Over the years I actually tried to make sure that every woman knew I wasnt stuck up, especially dark-skinned women. I would be extra friendly and extra happy. I didn’t have any light skinned friends because I didnt want to be a part of a group of girls that were sterotypically cute. Does that make sense? I know its weird, but I didn’t want to be in the light skinned group. I felt like I had to apologize for being who I am and looking the way I do. And to prove I was cool, I stayed away from those who people deemed siddity and stuck up. I developed my own resentment for light skinned women as can be recognized in my steadfast Alicia Keys hating.

But seriously ya’ll, I’m so tired of dodging. I’m tired of ducking. I’m tired of hiding. I’m tired of trying to downplay my personality just so the next woman will feel better about herself. I’m tired of trying to prove to women that I’m still down even though I’m Red.

This grouping by pigment is too much! I mean, you don’t even know me and you already you decide you don’t like me. Or you just met me and already you decide you want to be my friend because we have the same skin color and level of cuteness.

What can I do if you don’t think you are as pretty as I am? I look pretty because I TRY to look good. If you tried you would feel better too. I’m not going to let your rudeness bother me anymore. You don’t want to speak to me, so be it. You want to whisper about me, go ahead. It’s you who are missing out on knowing a cool azz chick and possibly having a great friend.

I’m tired of feeling sorry about the way I look.

Hate me if you want to. Child please, I already have great friends. Friends who are secure enough to hang with a cool chick, cuz they’re cool themselves.