Where Do I Go?

I didn’t sleep at all last night.

It wasn’t on purpose. I sat in bed talking to God and enjoying random visions of my future. Were they a gift from God? I don’t know. But they were very, very nice.

I saw myself sitting down in a chair in a room full of people and a man introducing me as I stood to walk to the front to introduce myself.

“I’m Ms. Tee and I’m a Cancer..” I said. Everyone smiled. “I was born and raised in the county of Dade. That’s Miami in case you didn’t know. My motto is ‘Don’t Stop GET IT GET IT!”

A few snickers were heard around the room and I continued my brief introduction. Then I sat down and smiled.

I saw myself pack up my car once again and hit the freeway. I don’t know where I was going. I never got there but I knew that I was about to start over again. This time…I wasn’t scared at all. I wasn’t nervous. I’ve proved to myself that I can move to a city with nothing and become established. Now my only concern is finding the right city for me and finding the perfect fit for employment.

After enjoying multiple fantasies I got up and walked outside to call Kim at around 6am.

Today was her last day at work and I wanted to send her off with a blessing and a prayer.

“Remember just a little over a year ago when I was on my way to Trick Daddy’s group’s house?” I asked her.

She laughed.

That night I was on the phone with Kim as I drove up to the makeshift recording studio that Trick had built for his new group. I had my tape recorder in hand as I went to interview the guys in the group, one by one, to write their bios for their media kit. That was the beginning of my freelance career.

That was certainly a challenge because my writing style is inspirational and NOT street so I had to enlist the help of Ruby and Vernon to get some of the style I needed. I don’t use cutting edge street slang and I’m not so um…HIP and they laughed at me as we practiced saying things like, ‘stepping fresh and correct’.

Kim has been in my ear for years, encouraging me, dreaming BIG with me, believing God with me. I’m so glad to know her. I’m not sure if any of my other friends and I have a similar relationship. She’s the only one who truly understands where I’m trying to go and she believes FOR ME when I start to waiver.

After talking to Kim and telling her to send a blessing to all of her co workers before she leaves, I called my boys. They sounded sleepy, but happy to hear from me.

“Did you get the card I sent you?” I asked my 4 year old Boo Boo.

“Yes!”

“Did your brother read it to you?”

“Noooo… Sugarbear! Why didn’t you read Mama’s card to me?” he whined.

“I DID! I DID READ IT!”

I laughed. “Well, I was just calling to tell you that God loves you and so do I.”

“Are you really coming on April 13th?” Sugarbear asked me.

“Yes I am.”

“Is it only a Saturday and a Sunday?”

“No, it’s a Friday, Saturday and a Sunday.”

“Yay Mama!”

“We’re going to have so much fun! Now go get ready for school and I hope you have a great day baby…”

“Ok Mama…You too.”

I have the strangest sense of peace even though today I realized something very important: I am not a journalist.

I am not a journalist.

Journalists report objectively. I don’t do that.

I am a writer.

Damn..I need to get some new business cards then…

I am a writer. I creatively manipulate words to tell stories. I am a story teller. I’m an inspirational writer.

Every word I write oozes triumph over hard times. Every word I write has its own soul.

That’s why I’m not connecting with the writing at work. When I’m there I feel like I’m a blues singer being asked to take the emotion out of my songs.

I just…can’t make that happen. I try and try to NOT be inspirational in my writing. I try and try to NOT be descriptive and send love through my words. I try to be objective because news writing is not anything like my usual writing style.

Just like those press releases I couldn’t get right…I’m finding that I’m not a good fit for news.

I’m an inspirational writer. God’s divine ideas flow through my mind into my fingers and onto the screen to uplift and empower.

I have no idea how to make money with that. I’ve tried writing a fiction novel but…I don’t have that much of an imagination. I’m not good at making stories up. But I do love to tell TRUE stories.

~sigh~

Where do I go from here?

My job is challenging me more than I can explain. I want to give back to the company because she has blessed me with so much in these past 4 weeks. I want to return the favor with good service and I feel like I’m letting her down.

All I keep hearing is Tamara’s voice saying, “When it’s the right job for you, you will know it because it will work out.”

I hold onto that in peace knowing that as long as I give it my very best try, God will handle the rest.

I will find my place of prosperity. I will find the perfect match for my skills.

I also realized that I’m not lonely, although I do spend most of my time alone.

I guess God answered my prayer from a month or so back. I wanted to return to that spiritual place where He was my everything and I spent the majority of my time talking to Him and praising Him and basking in His peace and love.

I’m certainly in that place. I have my moments of intense frustration but then after I release all of that…I’m better.

I’m doing just fine.

I have peace that God is leading me.

I have no other choice but to follow.

I’m grateful for one thing and you will probably laugh when you hear it: I’m grateful for you.

Today I was sitting and meditating on all of the times I found myself in a wrong fit for job situations, friendships and relationships. I began to feel very unsuccessful because I know I’m smart and talented but I have yet to find a place to showcase my gifts. I have yet to figure out where I’m supposed to be and how I’m supposed to give out of the abundance of my heart.

I guess I got a little down as a result of my mental search of my past and it seems like things never go right for long when it comes to me…

Then I remembered the book. It said: Living in the past is a failure method and a direct violation of spiritual law.

So I shrugged off my dissappointment and began imagining myself as the successful artist, teacher, speaker, money maker that I am going to be, eventually.

I will not live in the past.

I will live today, giving my best, believing that I will receive the best and thanking God along the way.

The reason I’m grateful for you is…I don’t know if you’ve noticed but…sometimes I tell a little TOO much on my blog.

I’m the same way in person and it often scares people away. You know I’ve never met a man who could handle my honesty and my intense love.

But YOU, you still love me. Sometimes I try to put things out there that would make me seem undesirable. I want to tell the truth so maybe you can help me understand what’s wrong with me and I can fix it so that I can receive love one day. In all the madness, I expected you to hate me just like the men and run away but you’re still there.

I feel your presence. I sense your love.

You haven’t given up on me.

You hope with me. You cry with me. You encourage me and you…you LOVE ME. I feel it.

And I thank you.

Cuz all I really want is to be myself and have that crazy, emotional, dreamer of a woman be accepted and loved just as I am.

And you fulfill that for me in a sense.

So thanks for reading and sharing my world all these years. Thanks for supporting me and dreaming with me and praying for me.

Thank you for being the one who didn’t walk away through all of my mismatched emotions and trying times.

Thank you for being a friend.