Lately, I’m finding that the same recurring fear keeps crowding my brain, limiting my joy at times. I know that I am worthy of love. I know that I am destined for greatness professionally. I know that I am a great mother and educator to my children. But I don’t know…
If my past choices with men will affect my life forever.
I have had unprotected secks twice this year. First time, it was knowingly. The 2nd time, the dude pulled the condom off without telling me.
Everytime I read an article like the one in the December 2008 issue of Essence about Black women and HIV I feel this pang in my heart. It’s fear. It’s fear that I have so much going for me yet I will die a horrible death infected by this disease.
Why is this the only thing I fear? I guess it’s a combination of guilt over past choices and subconsciously feeling like I do not deserve the kind of relationship that I want with a man. It scares me to admit this out loud but I believe that if I am ever confirmed to be a carrier that I will shut off all hope and possibility to finally receive the love I envision, the same type of love that I give to my children and friends.
I don’t WANT to be sick. No, I don’t. But then I have to ask myself why I keep thinking about it over and over again. What we focus on whether they are fears or hopes, are a direct reflection of what we believe we deserve for our lives.
Why do I believe I deserve to die as a punishment for not valuing my body and using men so flippantly? I don’t know. Maybe it’s that inferiority complex in me. Maybe I feel that a woman with so much talent, beauty and drive couldn’t possibly have it all.
I am working to change this belief but it’s hard. It’s hard because the evidence I see around me, the treatment from men I have loved in the past, the rejection- criticism, well…it envelopes me.
I deserve inner peace, perfect health, wealth, prosperity, joy and happiness. I deserve the greatest life my inner me can imagine. I deserve my latter to be greater than the past.
If only my mind could grasp that…
Then I know my body and affairs would soon follow suit.
I don’t deserve the thing I fear. I want to be able to meditate on the opposite.
Peace, joy, love and abundance.
Peace, joy, love and abundance.