Well, I spoke to my Pastor today since he just got missing for a few days and Im used to talking to him on the regular.

I asked him what was his prayer over me. Meaning, when he prays for me, how does he pray. He said he prays that I will become joined and jointed to the family of God. I know what he’s saying. Ive been at this church for more than a year and a half and I dont feel what Im supposed to feel. Like, everyone there is big on being a family. They all love each other and it seems like its one big group. I dont know what theyre expecting of me. Today Pastor said that the family that God has joined to me (meaning the people at my church) should be the most important people in the world to me, besides my children.

I don’t know. I kind of feel like they consider my friends that do not go to my church to be sinners or something. Like unless the people I hang out with (like I ever really hang out) go to my church, then I am not “in” yet. He challenged me to ask God to help me surrender and embrace His family. Truthfully, I havent. Im extremely cautious with these people especially since the first relationship I had at church with this white girl was so crazy. I never want to experience anything like that again. EVER!

With white people I believe relationships are seasonal. Ive met some cool white girls in my day but they are only interested while they have something to gain. For example, if we are in a class together or they need you to cover for them at work, or they dont have a man so they want someone to occupy their time. But when that class is over, that job is done, they get a man, they seem to forget who you are. You know what, that hurts. Thats why I dont trust friendships with white people.

There has only been one white guy that I have been friends with and we ended up crossing that friendship line. I was blind because he represented himself as a man of God and I didnt think I could be attracted to him because he was white. I certainly didnt think a white man could be attracted to me. But if you Spend enough time with anyone they’ll start to look good to you. Point is, I dont trust men period with my heart, and I wont give my trust to a man just because he seems harmless anymore.

And I have been praying about embracing the family of God. I just dont see dismissing the people that i already love. These people who have been my family and yes I’m talking about my friends. They have been my family. They have loved on me and met my needs. Why must I dismiss their efforts and love to replace them with a group of people that I dont even know?

There must be something to all of this family stuff though. But right now I feel like I’ll lose more than I gain. I dont understand how God would bring me to this church if He didnt want me to embrace they’re standards of serving Christ. But I’m not feeling it. I love my church. Most of all I love the word. But all this “most important ppl in the world” stuff just doesnt line up for me.

But as you all know, I trust God. Completely. When its time He’ll make a move in my heart. After all I didnt get saved when I wanted to, I got saved when God called me and I didn’t ignore His call. So, it’ll all work out when its time.