Wedding Blues

My weekend went well. I was able to go out and buy a Christmas tree for my boys. They love it! They’ve been asking for one for the longest.

It’s a fake one. I put it together on Saturday morning. I had them follow me around the tree as I put the lights on and we danced to some Christmas music. The looks on their faces were priceless. ~sigh~ Yeah, this is why I signed up to be a Mom.

All I got was lights. I didn’t buy any other decorations. And I got the multi-colored lights which made my lil sister comment, “That is sooo ghetto!”

Hey, I didn’t buy anything else because I was overwhelmed and I never really had to think about Christmas decorations before.

When I grew up, we broke out the old dusty plastic tree and pulled out the same garland and threw away the bulbs that were broken and added some iceicles and that was that! A few years ago everything changed when I went to visit my sorority sister Stephanie in Tampa for Thanksgiving.

It was a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving in Tampa. She had to work those few days and I was able to sleep all day and all night with no one bothering me. But when we went out shopping she spent a lot of time looking for decorations for her tree, saying, “This year my theme will be white and gold angels.”

Theme?

There’s supposed to be a theme for your Christmas tree?

So late Friday night as my sons and I perused the wares at the local KMart, I was overwhelmed by the choices and I went home basically empty handed.

I don’t think they even noticed.

“We need a gold star for the top!” my 5 year old said as he smiled in satisfaction after the lighting of the tree.

“I’ll find one soon, baby.” I promised him.

Speaking of Stephanie, this coming weekend is her wedding. I don’t think I’ll be able to make it. Same issue, no money. Well, Nadia said I could ride with her boyfriend so I do have a ride, but I would have no place to sleep for the two nights and I don’t know anyone who lives in Sarasota, Florida. I feel really, really…unsuccessful. Yeah, that’s the word.

I BEEN finished with college and I still can’t afford to do simple stuff like attend my good friend’s wedding. I missed her graduation for the same reason although I tried to make it seem like that wasn’t it. I was too embarrassed to show up without a gift and I felt like a scrub because at the time I couldn’t come up with money for gas to drive to Tampa where she lives.

So I said I overslept and I hoped that she knew that I loved her with all my heart and I really wanted to go, but I just couldn’t.

Tonight I emailed her and told her what’s going on with me financially. I hate to back out at the last minute because I try to be a woman of my word, that is very important to me.

I hope she understands. I’ll make it up to her one day.

It won’t always be like this.

The only good thing about missing this wedding is I won’t have to face my Baby Daddy (who will be the best man) and his girlfriend. I really wasn’t looking forward to being at a social function with them. But I really, really wanted to see everyone else. My Baby Daddy and I have tons of mutual friends from college who we both keep in contact with, independent of each other. It’s going to be a pseudo reunion of sorts. But I’ll just have to miss out this time.

All I keep thinking is, it can only get better from here!