It’s been a happy two days. Most of it comes from the fact that I am no longer going to my internship. I haven’t had that anxiety like I’ve had for the past 3 weeks since it started.
These days I’m battling internally, like, this issue I’m facing and don’t want to write about. It’s embarrassing to say the least. Its really embarrassing because no one I speak to understands what i feel and everyone says to get over it.
If I could I would. I really would but that hasn’t come yet so it has me feeling weak minded, like something is definitely wrong with me in my head. Most people agree. Some days i would too. I am different. I think differently than most. My life is a reflection of that. I’ve been trying to really confront myself, my INNER self, those parts of me that I want to hide. Those parts of me that make me say “I’m Sorry” to myself when I’m having anxiety. I apologize for not being stronger. I apologize to myself for it all the time.
Funny how I got a phone call from an old school blogger this morning. She had so many great things to say about me and my writing and how it has impacted her life in a good way.
“No matter what you go through, you ALWAYS come out on top,” she said.
I stared at the phone, and then glanced at my messy apartment. On top?
I wonder what it is that people see in me that makes them so glad to know me. I wonder if it’s just the way I write these words. Maybe I hypnotize you or something. Most people who meet me say I’ve lost my mind. Does this translate on my blog too? Even if it does, for some reason you keep coming back to see what’s going on with ol Crazy Tee.
Today was kinda an exciting day for me. I felt that blissful feeling as I formatted my book. THE book I wrote in 2008 and put it away after no one wanted to publish it. I just said, “fuck it, I’ll publish it myself” So I signed up with a new POD program and I’m waiting for my copy editor to read it and my graphic design friend to send over images and maybe soon, really soon, I’ll be ordering my first copy of my own book from Amazon.
I’ll get to hold it in my hand, see my name in print on a glossy cover for the first time. I’ll kiss it. Take a picture with it. Sleep with it. I’ll be an author. A real one. Yeah, I’ve published many ebooks but its not the same.
I’ll be an author like Carrie Bradshaw. Like Maya Angelou. Like Alice Walker.
And ofcourse it won’t stop there. I’ll write and write and write until I have a whole slew of books for sale and maybe that will be the way I can take care of myself. It sure does feel good to work on those writing projects.
“Your karma’s gonna catch up with you,” my old school blogger friend said on the phone this morning.
I smiled. Oh yeah?
For real?
I wonder what that’s going to be like.