My wishes have been coming true lately. I think it’s because of my New Year’s wish that “every one of my positive wishes comes true IMMEDIATELY all year long.” =)
I’ve been experiencing some ups and downs lately but EVERY SINGLE TIME the situation is resolved I sit there and think, “That was very stupid of me to worry about that, look how it all worked out with no effort on my part.”
I’m TRYING To remember that but it sometimes seems so natural to fret, just a little bit.
Today I was talking with Tamara on the phone, she’s still snowed in in Atlanta. I cringed when I heard her guy friend in the background and then I realized that this “situation” I am facing is bothering me more than I am willing to admit.
I’m really trying to be strong about it because I’m a counselor so I should know how to get through this but I feel like my emotions are flip flopping and even when I have a good day, by the time night falls, I’m feeling anxious again.
“Prince,” I told my best friend. “The sound of [His] voice scares me.” I was referring to her guy friend. Prince answered with a twinge of annoyance, “Why does it scare you?”
I didn’t respond. I changed the subject.
But really, the idea of her alone with that man makes me fearful for her.
I try to grasp the good thoughts about the men that I’ve encountered I really do. I try to believe that there exists men who want nothing more than to be a good friend but it’s hard.
I feel like I’m back at square one with every man being an enemy. Which is hard to deal with since everywhere I go, men approach me to ask me out. But I don’t want to sit across from them. I don’t want to let them know me. I can’t.
They don’t deserve it. They take my kindness for stupidity and they get mad when I won’t be who they want me to be in their lives. When I am not who they want me to be, they act like children, trying desperately to sabotage any other positive relationships I may develop with others so that no one else will possibly have a positive relationship with me.
They lash out with criticisms. They try to make me believe that I am not a good person. While I know that I define myself for myself I am just weary of standing strong against these childish reactions to their lack of control over me.
I am so tired of meeting childish men.
But instead of complaining and feeling sad I want to do something different, I will MAKE myself believe that the OPPOSITE of what I just experienced will come to pass under grace in perfect ways.
And I’ll leave it at that.