Tonight?

I slept incredibly well last night.

Me and my pillows. No sons. I have finally got them trained to sleep in their own beds all night. ~whew~ It took forever. Especially since when I’m really uptight or lonely I would tip toe into their rooms and carry them one by one to my bed.

I have to train myself to sleep alone just as diligently as I trained them. It takes a strong women to sleep alone at night. To turn away from Mr. “He’s okay” and say, “I deserve more.” Even when “more” seems more like a fantasy than a plausible reality.

I meet men all the time. Like most women, as soon I step outside my door some dude is trying to say wuzzup. But I know that they just wanna rip, so I’m turned off easily. In fact, if you approach me you have a slim to none chance of hanging/dating me. I like to choose. I like to pick the man I get with.

I don’t know why that excites me, but it does. I always make the wrong choice like a dummy. For some reason I go for the guys who I feel might feel some sort of pride by being with me. These men aren’t necessarily cute but I hope they have good hearts and would appreciate all of the pampering I give to the special man in my life.

They don’t.

It pisses me off.

But I roll on anyway.

What makes a woman stay with a man who she KNOWS is not good for her? Why would she even put up with years and years of crappy treatment and immaturity when all she has to do is say NO MORE?

For some women, it’s about loneliness. They can’t imagine not being with a man. For others, it’s their upbringing. They saw Mommy or Big Sis rotate men out of their bedrooms for years and they think it is normal.

Some women don’t believe in the possibility of a man treating her well and coming into her life with good intentions so they say,”The mess I have now is better than the mess that’s out there.”

I have a close friend who is sure that ALL relationships have a healthy dose of drama, at least in the beginning. She expects it. So when she has drama with her boyfriend, she’s able to be more patient knowing that he’ll eventually get tired of the games and the secrets. She stays because she has seen the men in her life (father, stepfather, brothers) all start out as wild men and eventually calm down and turn into good husbands and fathers. She acts like the wildin out part is a part of the process.

I don’t know…

Why do I miss Dude so much? So many people will say it’s the secks, but it’s not. Maybe…50%. On the real, It’s his company. It’s the fact that he is the only person in Miami that I (used to) chill with on a regular basis. It’s kinda like he was my only friend. But since I was so frustrated because he wasn’t treating me like I was his girlfriend, I told him to leave me alone.

I kinda regret that.

But what can I do now? It’s a double edged sword. If I continue to see him and secks him, I know my feelings will multiply and a relationship is not where his head is right now. If I don’t see him, I’m stuck taking out my sexual frustration on my friends and making them stay on the phone with me until I fall asleep so I won’t call him and tell him to come over.

My girl Ruby said, “10 years from now, you’re gonna look back at this guy and laugh cuz he’s gonna be so far from your memory. Our whole lives are gonna be different.”

Yeah. That may be true.

But what about tonight?