Taste Buds

It’s been quiet for the past two weeks.

No name calling and no put downs. No arguments and no criticisms. No one yelled at me or told me I was a bad mother. No one sent me any nasty emails or was rude to me in my own house.

I feel so…free.

Imagine always having to be on the defensive because you expected an assault. Sometimes I would be in a bad mood in anticipation of seeing my children’s father. What is he going to say today? What will he have to complain about this time? What am I doing wrong now?

Now, it’s just…quiet.

I can hear myself think.

Some days I can hear his voice clearly. He’s telling me that I’m ugly. He’s saying that I’m not worth anything and that no man will ever want me. He’s reminding me that I will never meet anyone who is tighter than him. I have to shake myself when I hear that. I have to remind myself that I can not allow that ghost to haunt me any longer.

I’m free.

I can’t believe it. I actually thought that I would be beaten down by his words forever. I never thought he would stop. I never thought I had the power to stop him. I hope I never see him again.

I feel like maybe now, without his voice and his words, maybe I can begin to deal with me. Maybe now I can start to see the woman that God made and appreciate myself more.

Even though I have watched all of my friends begin and end relationships countless times while I hold nothing more than booty call status with every man that is lucky/unlucky enough to come into my life, I’m still a good person. I’m just misguided in that particular area.

Everyone has something to say about my attitude towards men but I don’t think you can talk someone into changing their life. You can plant the seed and wait, but any more than that will be detrimental to your hopes for them. They may feel like you’re nagging them or worse, not accepting them for who they are at the present time.

Wow. This is a new feeling to me. It’s kinda scary because without his words, I have to define myself for myself.

I decided yesterday that I’m not going to look for a church to go to. Mostly because of the consistent nagging I get from friends about it. I don’t want to feel like I’m going just to please them. They should know that the best way to get me NOT to do something is to tell me that I need to do it. I’m obstinate that way.

I know they say it out of a good heart and because they want to see me healed and whole but when I think of going to church that is not what I think of. When I think of church I think of pressure and judgement and not being good enough for the crowd.

I’m free of one monster, I don’t want another right now. Right now I’m content to pray and chill with God like I chill with my friends, one on one and at my own pace.

Different people have completely different recipes for spaghetti but they all have a hunger for the same basic taste. Let me have my spaghetti the way I like it, with some sausage and turkey instead of ground beef and Italian sausage sauce by Ragu. Just because you don’t like it that way, doesn’t mean it isn’t satisfying to me. As long as I’m getting my nutrients you should be happy for me, and if you think I’m missing a key ingredient you can offer it to me when I stop by your place. Tell me all about it and allow me to sample it, but don’t force it on me if I think it’s too spicy.

Your taste buds are different from mine but as along as we are both full and happy at the end of the meal we can both smile and rest peacefully.

I’m enjoying my peace right now.

When or if God is ready to show me a new way to satisfaction He will.

Trust Him.

Because I surely do.