Tag: Adventures With Steve

I’d first like to thank everyone who has written me to tell me that they like the Steve series I’m doing. I find it interesting that the qualities that Steve has is attractive to quite a few women. Maybe that’s saying that we all are basically looking for the same thing but are too afraid to really wait for it.

I’ll also answer a few of the common questions asked about Steve that I’ve received by email.

Is Steve real or based on a real person?
No, he’s not. I have never met anyone like him before I started writing. I made him up.

Why don’t you ever describe the way Steve looks?
I don’t know what he looks like. Except the fact that he wears glasses and is taller than I am, I have no clue how I want him to look and I don’t feel any pressure to commit to one description. He’s everything I find beautiful…and that has nothing to do with his physical appearance.

Does writing about Steve satisfy you?
No. I think writing about him makes me want to meet more men. I haven’t been writing about all the men I’ve been meeting and greeting over the past month but lemme tell you, I’ve met quite a few. Each one is more appealing than the last but none of them have lasted for whatever reason. I never get sad about it though because I can tell from jump what I want and no one is hitting the mark yet.

I may go out with someone again soon. There’s always another chance to try again.

Are you doing this as a Law of Attraction excercise?
No. I started this as a joke, but I decided to continue it because it’s really great excercise in fiction writing for me. I am sooo not a fiction writer and this is difficult for me to write because I have absolutely no basis to gain inspiration from. I’ve never met a man like Steve and his family so I don’t know how to make this up.

I’ll admit though, after I began writing about Steve, I have ran into like..6 men named Steve and plenty other men who remind me of Steve in distinct ways. I don’t look at writing this story as “creating my dream relationship”. I look at it as becoming comfortable with the idea of having a relationship. Before I wrote this I could have never imagined that someone could actually deal with me on a long term basis. I’m a hand full.

Will you turn this into a novel?
I have no plans to do that. I toyed with the idea though and came up with a few storylines that added drama and excitement but then I thought….Steve would never do any of those things, he’s too laid back and honest for any of the underhanded attributes that make for a good romantic novel lead character. Steve is always going to be wonderful to me. He’s my fantasy man. We aren’t going to have any drama unless it’s caused by me.

It’s 9am when I wake up. Steve is making noise in the kitchen, the radio is playing rap music and I hear the faint clinking of dishes.

“What are you doing boy?” I call out and wipe the drool from my cheek.

“I know you don’t like eggs,” he says. “So I made myself an omelet and I made you some pancakes and sausage. Come eat. It’s ready.”

I go into the bathroom to freshen up and by the time I get to the kitchen table he has it set up so nicely. There’s even a single daisy sitting in a glass vase next to my food.

“Who taught you to do all this?” I ask him as I sit down.

He smiles, “I’m…I’m experimenting with you,” he explains.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

He sits down to join me after pouring orange juice for us both. He cuts his omelet into small pieces and places his left hand in his lap, while he eats with his right hand. The look he gives me in between bites is thoughtful, yet expectant.

“Tee,” he says. “How long have we known each other?”

“Um..a little over two months,” I reply as I devour the soft pancakes. “Why?”

“Well, I hope you understand that I’m not in the game anymore, I’m done with the hit and runs and the playa lifestyle. It’s time to get serious about life.”

“What’s that got to do with you cooking such a wonderful breakfast?”

“Chill out…I’m gonna explain,” he says and stares into my eyes for a few seconds. “Ok. Tee. As much as we talk, I’m sure by now you see that I’m straight up about mine. And as much as I know you, I can see that you are honest about who you are and what you want. You’ll meet a dude and within one conversation you can tell if he’s right for you or not and you act accordingly by deciding what role, if any, this dude will play in your life.”

“Damn…you’re good,” I say.

“Yeah. I pick up on things,” he continues. “Anyway, it’s obvious that you’re feeling me because of the fact that we’re still talking after two months. To some women that may not be a big deal, but for you, who runs at the slightest sign of real attraction, it means a lot. I can understand why you’re afraid, relationships are a big risk. But you won’t ever reap the benefit if you don’t take the risk.”

Um..WHy is this dude preaching to me? What is he getting at?

“Ok, tell me if you understand where I’m coming from on this or if I need to break it down any further for you,” he says firmly and drops his fork on his plate. “When I first saw you I wanted you and I did what I had to do to get you. Now that you’re here with me, I want to keep you but I need to know if you want to be here with me too.”

I gulp. What the fuck? Am I mutherfucking dreaming this shit? Who the hell is he talking to?

As he gazes at me, waiting for a response I begin to feel nauseaus. I then hear Tamara’s voice in my head, “Tee, this is exactly what you always said you wanted. You said you wanted a man who would make an executive decision about being with you and be quick about it. You said you wanted it to be like a business decision. He just did that. Don’t trip. You always get what you ask for girl….”

I’m still blinking as he gazes at me, his head leaning slighly to the left.

Before I can catch myself, the tears are flowing down my cheeks. I wipe them away with the back of my hand and use my napkin to dry my nose. I’m not bawling, the silence in the room is overwhelming. I can’t believe he said that.

“Tee,” he says and pulls his chair next to mine. His knee is touching mine and he drapes his arm across the back of my chair. “I’m nto trying to scare you. I know what your past relationships have been like.”

I turn away from his face. This is way too much.

“Look at me,” he says. “I want you to feel me when I say this.”

I turn back toward him, still drying my nose with the napkin.

“I do not want you to be afraid of me. I am not anything like any of those dudes who came into your life before you met me. I want nothing from you except to see you grow into the beautiful, superstar that you are destined to become. I see you. I see how all those past experiences have made you think you are less than the queen you are.”

“Steve,” I manage to squeak out. “Why are you so wonderful?”

He sighs. “I’m not wonderful, Tee. I’m selfish. All you get is this nerdy looking dude who thinks you’re the shit and will worship your dirty draws. But guess what I get?”

“What?” I say and shake my head.

“I get this creative ass, intelligent ass, charming ass, brilliant ass, FINE ASS, SEXY ASS, redbone, dime piece with green eyes!” he exclaims. “Hell yeah! You’re a bad bitch. Every dude you were with knew it. You were the only one who didn’t.”

“Damn,” I whisper.

“Look,” he says and pulls me out of my chair and onto his lap, facing him. “We can make the decision right now that we’re going to see what’s up with us. For real. Just me and you…no bullshit. No games. I don’t know about you but it’s time for me to start the next phase of my life.”

I shrug. “How do you know you want to do this? How do I know you’re ready? I don’t even know if I’m ready. You make it sound so serious.”

“It IS serious,” he says and rolls his eyes. “I’m sitting here telling you that i want to work through whatever issues you got and I want you to help me get through mine too. And I know you’re ready. Wanna know why?”

“Yeah.”

“I peeped your resume. You haven’t had any kind of stability in your life. You’ve been hopping from city to city, job to job, dude to dude. That’s not you. That used to be you, but that’s not you anymore. You’re ready to prove to yourself that you can be grown up about shit and plant some real roots and really expand as a writer, a leader and a woman. The next job you get, you’re not going to run away when things get rough. The next place you get you’re going to make it into a real home for you and your sons. And the next man you meet who treats you the way you KNOW you deserve to be treated, you’re gonna soften up, open up and you’re gonna let all that love you’ve been holding back, you’re gonna let it out.”

“Damn Steve. That’s all that’s been on my mind.”

“I know girl. I know. But shit..I wanna get some of that overdue love. I’ve done a lot in life Tee. I’m ready for the next big thing. I’m ready to chill out and just be in this…whatever it’s going to be it’s going to be, you know. But damn..I would really like to be there with you while you grow into that stunning ass lady. I get to walk around and be like, ‘Yes sir! That’s ME! MINE! I’m hitting that erry night!”

I laugh. “You’re dumb,” I say and rub my fingers over the waves in his hair.

“I know but, you’re here with me so what does that say about you?”

“Nerd!”

“Yeah but that’s what turns you on soo….”

“Steve?”

“Huh?”

“You said you wanted me to help you get through your issues. What issues do you have?”

He laughs. “It’s that right there. I don’t let anyone see them. I’m too afraid to admit that I have issues. I show no emotions. Never let’em see me sweat. That’s why you fascinate me. You’ll tell the whole world that your cootchie is sweating and you don’t give a damn!”

“Yeah but…I don’t really care what people think and that’s cuz I know the majority of people are hiding their real selves trying to front like they got it together and they don’t. I wish I could make it cool to be real about yours. It’s so much more…authentic.”

“And that’s what I like about you,” Steve says. “You’re gonna make me look good, help me to grow AND we’re gonna make some mad money together’son!”

Sigh.

“Steve,” I say as I stare him in the eyes. I stand up from my seated position on his lap and keep his gaze as I slowly kneel on the wood floor in front of him.

Two minutes later I hop up and kiss him on the cheek. His head is hanging back and his eyes are closed. His entire body is limp.

“Hell nawww….” he mutters and a smile spreads across his face. “Like that?”

“You ain’t ready,” I say. “But get ready. I am going to be so good to you.”

In the months that followed that breakfast conversation, my entire life changed.

I don’t know what it is about having someone completely in your corner and knowing that they want to see you happy and will go to any length to see to it that you are…but man, it feels great.

I love that Steve is so consistent with me. I didn’t know how much attention and affection I required until one night he said, “Tee, you’re like a full-time job” as we snuggled on his couch.

“For real?” I asked him. “Am I that demanding? Am I too much?”

“Naw, you’re not too much, but yes, you are demanding,” he laughed. “But I don’t mind it because you give just as much as you demand.”

After all of these years, after all of the negative self talk, after all of the one night stands I have finally met someone who likes me just as much as I like him and isn’t afraid to show it. Although he’s only in town twice a month, for a few days at a time, I enjoy our relationship because when he’s here, I’m all over him and when he’s not I’m focused on school.

He gave me the keys to his condo. I love that he trusts me like that. My sons and I have grand weekends over there while we’re looking for our own place. Steve says he’s looking to buy again and he wants me to find a small house for him to rent out. I know what he’s doing. Honestly, it makes me cry.

I’m so used to dealing with my children’s father who points out everything he can that is wrong with me, my own parents who are very similar and ofcourse I can always make a long list of things I need to improve, but with Steve, he’s not like that. He never yells at me or says anything harsh at all. If he has a suggestion, he’ll calmly say, “Maybe you should try this…”

And because of the way he speaks to me, so lovingly, I do whatever he says.

He’s so smart and so affectionate towards me. You won’t believe what he did. He took me to the club. We went in together, we danced together all night and he did not leave my side for one minute. It was as though he wanted to let everyone know that he was with me. He was proud to be with me.

Proud.

And even afterwards as I cried in the car on the way home because I couldn’t believe that he treated me so well, he didn’t look at me in disgust or anything, he just rubbed my back and let me…be me.

Sometimes I do become scared because I wonder if he’ll hurt me. But when I talk to Anna about it she says, “Tee, please enjoy yourself.”

He has met my sons. It happened in a weird way for me.

One day I was with him and told him that I had to go because I was picking up my boys from practice and he stood up and put his shoes on and walked behind me.

I looked at him like he was crazy.

“Don’t you think it’s time that I meet them?” he asked. “I mean, telling them that you are staying at your friend’s house is cool and all, but I’d like to get to know them too. Are you afraid?”

I gulp. “No, I’m not. I’m just…I just…They will be glad to meet you,” I say and relax. “They used to tell me that they wanted me to get married all the time. They want more brothers to play with.”

Steve laughs and opens the door. “Have you mentioned me at all?”

“Yeah,” I blush. “I told them I met a nice man who makes me laugh.”

“What did they say?”

“They asked what your name was and I told them and then they asked if you were my boyfriend and I lied and told them we were friends.”

“You are so scary,” Steve says. “They are gonna love me.”

“Wait!” I say, “Let’s do it like this. Let me go pick them up and then tell them that we are going to pick you up so we can hang out. That way, they won’t be shocked to see a strange man in the car when I go pick them up.”

“Ok,” Steve says. “Call me when you’re close and I’ll meet you downstairs.”

When I tell my boys that I want them to meet my friend, my younger son says, “Is he your BOYFRIEND MAMA?!”

“Something like that,” I tell them.

They both laugh and laugh. I can tell they are happy. To them he’s just someone new to play with.

When Steve walks up to the car, they are both quiet. We get to the park and all hell breaks loose. They are all over him, racing him, tackling him and beating him up like the wrestlers on WWF.

I’m sitting back going, “Dang..All that aggression.”

We all go out to eat at the buffet and then we head back to Steve’s house to get the boys ready for bed. After they both take showers, he invites them to watch a movie with us and they fall asleep on the couch with me while Steve sleeps in the chair.

We had such a good time that Steve comes down more often. He makes sure to plan his trips around the time when the boys are there so he can see them too.

I don’t know what’s happening here, but it doesn’t seem real.

Especially the fact that..Steve and I have still not done the DEED yet. We’ve been tested and re tested and he still says it’s not time.

I wonder what that’s all about…

“Did you know you have an inclination toward eastern thought?” Steve asked me late one night over the phone.

I was hanging out at his place after class and we were having our nightly chat as he wrapped up some business in New York.

“I do?” I asked, intrigued.

“Yes, western thought is based more on logical thinking, what we see is what we get. It kind of leaves out the whole mystery of existence. Western thinking is more of owning and conquering the world, but eastern thought is more of surrender to the universe. It’s more of living in harmony with the earth. Finding peace within yourself. Seeking the divine within. Look what happened with the europeans and the indians when they crashed on this content.”

“Wow,” I whispered. “You are so smart. Why haven’t we done it yet?”

“Tee. Chill out. We have plenty of time for that,” he spoke firmly. “I saw a book today that I thought you might like. I’ll send it to you if you’re interested. It’s by Dr. Wayne Dyer, it’s about the wisdom of the tao, another eastern philosophy.”

I frowned. “I tried reading his books years ago, but his writing style is so dry to me. It puts me to sleep. That audio book I told you about, the one with Jerry Hicks, man, that bores me too. I think it’s his voice. For some reason, I can feel the vibration behind people’s voices and sometimes I can’t stand to hear that shit. It’s like that with 50 cent, I hate him, but it’s only because when I hear his voice, I feel icky. Steve.Harvey is the same way. I can’t stand to listen to his ass!”

“Aww…You’re just saying that cuz you’re partial to Tom.Joyner!” Steve exclaimed.

“NO! That’s not it…Even before I worked there I couldn’t stand to hear Steve.Harvey’s voice. His jokes were never funny to me.”

“If you say so….”

“Boy leave me alone!” I replied. “Wait…Steve?”

“What’s up Baby Girl?”

“I’m feeling funny about something. I want to talk seriously for a minute.”

“What’s on your mind?”

“Well, remember last month when you came down and I was waiting for you in that black nightie with the red heels and the champagne?”

“Ahh..yeah,” He replied and then sighed.

“What’s up with that? It’s starting to hurt my feelings. Why don’t you want to have secks with me? I thought you were attracted to me.”

“I am.”

“But I don’t get it then. I know you wanted me to see that it wasn’t just about secks. I see that. I see that you care about me. But the way we interact, it sometimes feels like we’re just buddies. I don’t like that. It’s been 5 months since we met. Don’t make me beg…”

The line went quiet.

“Ok Baby Girl,” Steve began. “I don’t want you to doubt yourself because of me. It’s just…It’s my thing. I….Damn…I have this thing….”

“What thing?” I asked, becoming scared.

“No, it’s nothing like that,” he sighed. “Tee. Can you just trust me with this? It’s not time yet.”

“I’ll trust you,” I said. “But it doesn’t help. I feel rejected. Maybe it’s me. I’m so used to expressing myself sexually and without that, I don’t know how to say thank you for you being so good to me. I’m sorry. I can wait until you’re ready.”

“Tee,” Steve sighed. “Don’t do that. It’s not you. Don’t ever think it’s you when you express to someone what you want and they are not willing to give it to you. You’ve done your part and I haven’t done mine.”

“What does that mean?”

“I’m gonna have to tell you about somethng that I went through. Just listen okay?”

“Ok.”

“Ok, maybe about 3 years ago, I was seeing this woman. It wasn’t serious or anything. Well, it was kinda serious because we were sleeping together and…well, she got pregnant.”

I gasped, but kept quiet.

“And…I’m not into the abortion thing so I told her that I wanted her to keep it. At first she agreed but then she went ahead and did it without telling me.”

My heart began to ache. “I’m sorry Steve,” I whispered.

“Yeah, me too,” he said. “And now…I don’t know. I can’t..I haven’t…I haven’t had secks since then.”

“WHAT?!!!”

His voice dropped and I could hear the sadness. “I haven’t. I keep thinking about my shorty. I keep wondering if it’ll happen again. I don’t want that. I want a family. I would have been there with her if she had just kept my shorty.”

“Did she give you a reason why she didn’t go through with it– The pregnancy?”

“Yeah, when she finally told me it was like..3 months later. I was checking up on her and I kept asking her when we could go to the doctor. One day she told me she went and got rid of it. She said she knew I didn’t love her and she didn’t wanna be anyone’s baby mama.”

“I’m sorry Steve.”

“The thing is, she wouldn’t have been a baby mama. I would have been with her. I would have married her.”

“You..You would have?”

“Yeah. And she knew that. But she also knew I didn’t love her…And now…man…I meet women, right? But I just couldn’t get that out of my mind. So I didn’t try anything with anyone else. When I saw myself getting to that point, I’d just distance myself.”

“I understand, Steve. I’m sorry I was pressuring you.”

“No Baby Girl, Don’t be sorry. Just give me some time. I think I’ve come a long way and I think being with you and your sons helps me to not be afraid of trying again.”

“It does?”

“Yeah Tee. See…I don’t get you. You go on and on on your blog about how great I am and how I add so much to your life when you don’t realize, without even trying, you’re helping me in so many ways.”

Of course I start whimpering. “Steve, do you know that you are a dream come true for me?”

He managed a weak laugh. “You always tell me that, Tee. But the truth is…you make me want to be your fantasy. You appreciate me and you show it. Most women aren’t like that. They take everything for granted and act like you’re supposed to give them the world. Like you owe them just for giving you some of their time. Not you. There’s not a day that goes by that you’re not telling me how much I mean to you. It’s like…I feed off of that. I want to hear it more and more so I do more. I’m just trying to please you. I like feeling like I’m an important part of your life.”

“You are.”

“Thanks, Tee.”

“Well, I have some other tricks up my sleeve. If you don’t wanna do the deed, there’s plenty more we can do. We’ll leave that for later and see what we can come up with! But only if you’re kinky…”

“You’re a trip, man…”

“I miss you.” I typed in a text message to Steve.

Although it was mid-week and his trip down to Miami wasn’t planned for another week, I sent him the message to let him know that I was thinking of him.

After another eye opening Human Sexuality class, I flopped down into the drivers seat of my car and turned the ignition. My phone chimed, alerting me to a text message.

“10pm. American Airlines. Steve.”

I looked at the clock on my dash. Wow. He’s coming! Since it was already 9:30, I drove over to the airport in record time and he was just walking out of the sliding doors as I pulled up.

“Hey Big Head!” I greeted him.

“Hey Baby Girl!” he said and gave me a big hug.

“You are too cute! Thanks for coming to see me. Have you eaten yet?”

“No, what do you want to pick up?”

“I know just the place, it’s up north though so get in and let me tell you all about class while we drive.”

As I drove us up north to pick up the food I explained to Steve what we had just discussed in class.

“So tonight’s class was about sexual abuse. When I saw it on the syllabus I didn’t know if I could handle being there but I told myself that I would have to deal with clients who have been abused so I have to get over my own hang-ups about my past.”

Steve remained quiet as I continued to chatter.

“We talked about a case where a young girl admitted that her stepfather had touched her innappropriately,”I said, then I sighed and shook off my own baggage.

“Well, since we’re family therapists, we don’t have to deal with the how’s of what happened and we don’t ask the client to relive their pain, we focus on helping the family to get themselves in order after such an incident. So we decided that in this case, we should counsel the entire family. My professor said that if an abuser wants to heal the family relationship after abuse, then the abuser must apologize to the victim. This takes away the victim’s feeling of helplessness and validates her belief that she is important and her feelings are important.”

“Really? You mean, there’s hope for a woman who has been abused? I always thought they never get over it and end up being hoes for the rest of their lives.”

I shook my head. “Yeah, that happens most of the time, but I wouldn’t call it being ‘hoeish’ I’d call it acting out sexually. When a sexual abuse victim doesn’t heal from their pain, they usually lose their sense of self worth and allow their bodies to be used because that feeling of being used when they were younger stays with them and it’s hard to shake.”

We were quiet for the rest of the trip up 27th avenue. I was lost in my own thoughts about the lesson I had learned. When my professor showed the patterns associated with sexual abuse victims, I was dumbfounded to read that every single attribute described my sexual behavior and outlook on relationships.

“Wait in the car and I’ll get the food,” I said to Steve.

“Nah man. This doesn’t look too safe.”

I shook my head as he followed me inside.

“What are you ordering?” Steve asked me.

“Fried conch and shrimp rice! Have you had it before?”

“Conch? Nah…”

“You’re gonna love it!”

After our food was prepared and boxed we took the 826 back to 95South and got off on 62nd Street. We walked to the elevator and I watched him as he juggled his bags. He never lets me carry anything so I didn’t even offer this time.

Once we were settled inside we gobbled up the food and sat down on the living room floor to play tunk.

I won the first game but he won the second one and we were both talking trash the entire time. I took a minute to give him a good once-over. His t-shirt and basketball shorts. His white socks. His glasses that kept sliding down the bridge of his nose, causing him to have to push them back up every so often.

I laughed.

“What are you laughing at?” he asked me.

“You. You’re so cute.”

“Yeah righhht.”

“Steve…I wanted to say I’m sorry for calling you gay that time.”

“What time?”

“Remember the first time we came up here and I wanted to do it and you didn’t and I called you gay?”

“Oh yea..You almost got a beat down,” he laughed.

“No, I’m serious. I was talking to my therapist and he said that when I do that I’m being manipulative and that’s not what I want to be. I shouldn’t have pressured you like that, so I’m sorry.”

Steve paused, dropped his hand of cards and stared at me.

“I love you,” he said calmly.

“Huh?”

“I do.”

“Aww Steve you are crazy!”

“Yeah, I am. And I’m acting like a girl right now, but I don’t really care.” He then grabbed me by the arms and pulled me close to him. I rested my head on his chest as he rubbed my head and neck and shoulders with his big hands.

“Man Steve this is unreal to me,” I whispered. “It hasn’t even been 6 full months since we met and everytime I see you I feel like I’m floating.”

“Why are you always counting the time we’ve spent together? None of that matters anyway,” Steve said with a slight hint of an attitude. “But yeah…I saw my Mom today. We had lunch in the West Village. I was telling her about you and she asked me when we were going to get married.”

I jumped up and pushed him in the chest. “Boy! What did you tell her?”

“I told her how I feel about you. I told her that I love you.”

“Dude you are sooo gay!”

“Whatever, man…” Steve said and pulled me back against him. “You know you been talking to your girls about marrying me. Has Anna helped you pick out your wedding dress yet? I know how ya’ll are.”

“Naw..Actually we haven’t. Well, Tamara did ask me if I could see myself marrying you and I told her I hadn’t thought about it.”

“You haven’t?” Steve asked, peering down at me over the top of his glasses. “I thought that was every girl’s dream- to wear the white dress-have all of her friends standing by her- cut the cake- all that jazz.”

“I think it probably is MOST girl’s dream, but I never allowed myself to think about any of that before. I don’t know..I’m not typical in that way I guess. I never fantasize about a wedding.”

“Never?”

“Well, I did before. Back when I was in the church. It’s like all the single women in church do is talk about becoming a wife and I guess it rubbed off on me. But I don’t want to be like that anymore. Marriage is not the key to life. It’s not when life begins. I think they think like that because the church teaches all that sin stuff about pre-marital secks. I don’t believe in that anymore. I feel like marriage is a socially constructed idea and it’s not a case of ‘I please God if I marry’ Not to me anyway.”

“So you’re gonna stay single for the rest of your life?”

I shrugged. “I’m not saying that. I’m just saying..I like how things are between us and I don’t need a ring for me to feel like you care about me. I already know you do. We can stay like this for a long time and I wouldn’t mind.”

Steve raised his eyebrow. “What if I said that I wanted to wait until I had a wife before I had secks again?”

I looked at him like he was crazy. “Why would you say something crazy like that?”

“Tee. I’m not going to go through what I went through with that chick again. I have to be careful.”

“Man, I feel you. I’m just sayin…Don’t you think there should be another reason to get married besides ‘God won’t bless me if I don’t’ or ‘People are gonna call me a sinner if I don’t’? I’m just not under that fear anymore so…it’s not any pressure in my life for that.”

“Well, what is a good reason to get married then?”

“I don’t know, Steve.”

“Well, I look at marriage like this. When you love someone, and I don’t mean love them like you get butterflies when you see them, I mean love them like your life isn’t as enjoyable when they aren’t with you, then you should get married. When I get married, it’ll be because I want to be there to take care of my wife, to have a family with her, to be the MAN of the house and create the best life for us and our kids.”

He stops and kisses my neck, trailing tiny kisses down to my arms and fingers.

“Don’t you want to be taken care of?” he asks softly.

“Hell yeah!” I reply flippantly.

“Are you gonna let me take care of you?”

“Steve! Stop trippin!” I stand up and march into the bedroom doorway. “Let’s go to bed. I’m tired!”

I see him shake his head and slowly rise from the living room floor with a tired look on his face.

I don’t know why he’s rushing things. I like things the way they are.

My phone rings at 10 pm, I smile when I look at the caller Id.

“Hey Tamara,” I greet her.

“What’s up girl?”

“Girl, you know me…I’m always writing. But I can take a break. What’s going on?”

“Girl..It’s the funniest thing. You haven’t said a word about Steve lately. How’s he doing?”

I take a moment before I reply. “Girl, I don’t know what’s going on with him. A couple of weeks ago I called him and he didn’t return my call for 3 days. You know I have my one day rule where if a man doesn’t return my call within 24 hours, I erase his number from my phone.”

“You crazy!” she laughs. “So what did he say?”

“He was sounding all tired and he said that he has a lot going on right now and he thinks we should take a step back.”

“Oh my gosh! So he broke up with you?”

“Yeah..I guess. I asked him what’s wrong but he said he didn’t want to talk about it. He’s so secretive, it’s hard to get him to open up.”

“How did the conversation end?”

“Well, I just told him that I understand. I mean, what else can I do? If a dude wants some space, I give it to him. No big deal.”

“Tee,” Tamara said. “It’s no big deal? Are you for real?”

“He wasn’t all that anyway,” I replied sadly “I didn’t really like him. He’s always too busy for me….”

“You okay?”

“Yeah girl. I’ve been single for far longer than I was with him. What was that? Six months of being with him. I can move past that easily. He’s just a guy. They come and go.”

“Alright girl. Well, we’ll talk tomorrow, my baby just woke up.”

“Aiight.”

When I hang up the phone my chest is hurting. The fact is, I was so used to men walking in and out of my life that it never bothered me..But now it does.

I don’t see how you can be so into someone one minute and then forget about her the next. This isn’t like him. I wonder what’s really going on.
It doesn’t matter. I’ll just continue doing my thing and I’ll forget about him soon enough.

Hopefully…

I’m about to fall asleep when the professor announces that class is over. For some reason tonight’s round of presentations did not appeal to me.

I yawn and walk out of class quickly. It’s dark out and I don’t like how spooky the campus looks at night.

As I approach my car in the campus parking lot, I blink twice.

“Steve?”

He smiles and walks toward me a sly grin on his face,

“What are you doing here?” I ask.

“Well, first can you tell me why haven’t you been answering my calls and texts?”

I clear my throat. “Well..um…hey. You said you needed to step back. I just gave you your space.”

He shakes his head and chuckles. “I didn’t need that much space Tee. What? You wanna get rid of me?”

“Hey. I don’t sweat Dudes. That’s not me. If you need a break, I’ll give you one.”

I’m trying to keep my face from breaking out into a smile but it’s hard. It’s been a month since I’ve seen or spoken to him and to be honest, I’ve missed him everyday. I just..I felt that it would be best if we broke things off. It gave me a sense of relief. I’m used to breaking up. What would I do if we actually had a continuing relationship? I don’t know how to handle that.

Breaking up is easy.

“Tee,” he says and takes another step toward me. My instinct makes me take a step back.

“Tee. You don’t want to do that,” he says.

The ghetto girl inme rises up. “What the hell you mean? I do what I want!”

He laughs. “You are so cute when you do that,” he says and grabs pulls my arm, bringing me close to him.

“Steve. I’ve been busy. In fact, I have some work to do tonight so we’ll talk another time,” I say. His eyes are intensely focused on mine. I can feel his breath on my face.

“I have something to tell you,” he begins.

“What?”

“Tee, I said that to you, not to make you stop speaking to me.”

I shrug.

“I told you I needed to take a step back because I had some big decisions to make and I didn’t want you to feel pressured to help me.”

“So?”

“So? Tee, have you been to my place lately?”

“No. What? You want your key back. I don’t go over there anymore,” I say and take two steps away from him, breaking his grasp.

“No I don’t want my key back. But if you had gone there you would notice something different.”

“What? You remodeled?”

He chuckled again, folding his arms and leaning against my car.

“No.”

“What you playin games for? Tell me what happened.”

“Tee, I moved down here. I live in Miami now.”

Huh? I couldn’t speak.

Living in Miami? Huh? Whah? No.

I shook my head, unable to make a sound.

“Why?” I manage to squeak out after what seemed like an eternity.

He just stared at me.

“I want to see you more than twice a month, that’s why.”

~crickets~

“You should have asked me first,” I mumble.

“Why? So you could tell me that I shouldn’t come? And why would you say that? Oh..I know. You’re scared of what would happen if we spent more time together, right?”

I whimper.

His eyes are so beautiful. He’s so wonderful. I’m so scared right now.

“So, are you coming with me back to my place tonight?” he asks and touches my arm.

“I don’t think so.”

“You know you’re still mine, right. I’m not letting you go anywhere.”

“I…I think we should be friends, Steve.”

“Is that right? Well, it’s not going to happen. We can’t go back to friends.” His fingers grip my right arm and slowly pull me back toward him. He squeezes me tightly and kisses my forehead.
“Don’t do that again, Tee. Don’t ignore me like that. I missed you so much girl.”

I sigh. “I missed you too.”

“Damn you’re beautiful,” he whispers.

I stand close to him, smelling his cologne, feeling his strong arms.

“Come on,” he says. “Let’s get out of here. Follow me to my place.”

“Steve…I have something to tell you too.”

“What’s that pretty green eyes?”

“I met someone else.”

He pauses and studies my face. “Oh yeah? You can tell me all about him over a glass a wine,” he says and opens the door to a black Nissan Crossfire. “Let’s go.”

“What the hell is going on?” I asked myself as I drove numbly through traffic following Steve to his house. Did he really move to Miami?

It had been a month since I last spoke with him and here he goes showing up at my school dropping this bomb on me. I can’t do this. I can’t take this. He said he needed some space so I left him alone. I’m so content being single that it was kind of a relief.

I really don’t need him in my life. I liked things better when he lived in New York and his trips to Miami were like adventures for both he and I. But now he’s saying he’s moved here.

~shaking head~

I don’t know how to take that. I don’t want him to be all up under me all the time, asking questions, expecting things from me. Damn…

I pull up to his building and park next to his car. He’s standing there in all his glory; nice fresh Jordans, pressed jeans and a black t-shirt with the word DANGER written across the front in orange letters.

“Damn he fine,” I mutter to myself as I walk up to him, smile a half smile and he turns to walk into the building.

We don’t say a word to each other as we ride up the elevator and exit on the 10th floor. We walk up to the front door and he turns to me.

“Use your key,” he says.

I reach into my purse and fish around for my keyring. I unlock the door and toss the keys on the small table near the entrance. I kick off my shoes like I used to do and plop down on the sofa, grabbing the remote and switching on the TV.

He soon joins me and I notice that his shirt is off now and he’s wearing a pair of basketball shorts and socks. He scoots closer to me and I scoot away from him.

I can feel his eyes piercing through me but I don’t give him the satisfaction of looking back. I mean, what does he think this is? I don’t even like him like that anymore.

“Look,” I tell him, my eyes glued to the television set. “I met someone else. He’s very nice and we’ve been hanging out for a month.”

Silence.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah and…I don’t know why you just up and moved down here like that Steve. We were cool and all but, it wasn’t that serious. I think you move too fast. I’m not ready for all of this…”

Silence.

The next moments fly by in a blur. In an instant I am overpowered by his touch.

His hands move quickly to draw me close to him. I feel his warmth, smell his strong scent, moan under the roughness of his hands gripping my waist and placing me on his lap, my face inches from his.

His eyes meet mine and we sit there for a brief second before my arms encircle his neck and my face is buried in his neck.

Damn..I missed him. I sigh, unable to release the words from my lips.

“I missed you too, Tee,” Steve whispers, gently kneading my back with his hands.

I can feel the heat rising in me as his lips then tongue tickle my neck. His kisses become more insistent, more urgent as though he’s trying to communicate with me through his touch.

My bra and blouse comes off in one easy swoop and his hands find their way to my heaving chest.

“Oh my gosh,” I whisper as he undresses me and pulls me to the floor.

I’m frozen in time, unable to even assist him by raising my hips or wiggling out of my jeans.

He dives right in, face first and I cringe at the thought that I have not taken a shower yet.

“I miss your smell,” he tells me. “I miss everything about you. You’re so beautiful.”

Yuhhhhhhhh….. My head is spinning, my eyes are in the back of my head, I can’t see anything but random bursts of light as his lips move inch by inch up my stomache to my neck.

Yuhhhhhhhhhhhh… I gasp.

I hear the crinkle of plastic and I see a shadow above me.

The tears start to flow as he slides gently inside of me. My legs grip his hips and we rock, we rock, we rock.

“Baby, open your eyes,” he whispers.

I shake myself and force my eyes open.

He’s staring at me so intently.

His movements become more aggressive now. I’m gasping at the amazement of the moment, while sweat glistens across his chest as he continues his fierce work out.

“There you go, Daddy,” I tease him, thrusting my hips forward.

“Oh yeah? You like that? Give it to me!” he commands.

“I got you, Daddy….”

“Tee…” he says.

Yuhhhhhh…HELP! I’m gonna explode.

“Tee!” he says again, grabbing me by the throat, not missing a beat in his saucy rythm. “This….Is……MY……P***Y! You heard me?”

Yuhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. HELP! I think I’m going to burst open!

“YOU HEARD ME?!”

Huhhhh??? HELP! Who am I?

Ahhhhh…

“Say it bitch!”

Ahhh….. ~gasping~

“I love you, Steve…”

“That’s right. That’s right. Take that,” he whispers in between strokes. “I’m here now. I ain’t going nowhere. You betta get used to it.”

HELP! God? Please? Help? Anna? Mama?

“Get used to it, bitch. Turn your ass over.”

Ahh…

Oooh…. I love him.

While basking in the afterglow of our first intimate experience, my head on Steve’s chest, his fingers lightly tracing random patterns on my bare back, I realized something very profound and I decided to share.

“Steve,” I whispered.

“Hmmm?”

“I feel safe with you.”

“You do?”

“Yes. And I’m sorry I ignored you for the past month. I was scared. I am scared.”

“Let me guess,” he began. “You’re afraid of ‘us’, right?”

“Yes. I am.”

“I spent so much time sweating over the happiness of my friends that I didn’t really believe it for myself. In a way I kinda thought they deserved it and I didn’t.”

“You deserve more than you know, Baby Girl.”

“You think so?”

“Tee. I don’t ever want you to think that I’m with you for any other reason than the fact that with you in my life, my life is better. You add something that was missing before. And the crazy part is, I didn’t even know it was missing because I was happy when I was single and I was all about working and making progress. But now that I have you…I don’t know man, it feels like I’m really moving forward in life.”

“Man…this is so unreal. I feel like calling Tamara to talk to her to make sure I’m not dreaming,” I sigh.

“You can call Tamara and when you’re done I’ll be right here. Shit…man, I’m just trying to be here with you, that’s all. Can we keep it that way?”

“For how long?” I ask.

“For as long as we both shall live,” he said and laughed.

“Shut up!”

We giggle and I tickle him, but he’s not ticklish so it doesn’t affect him at all.

“Tee?” he asked in a serious tone as he pulled me from the living room floor and gently guided me to the bedroom.

“Hmmm?”

“What do you want?”

“What do you mean?”

“What do you want to happen right now?”

“Tonight? Or in my life?”

“In your life?”

“Well, that’s easy,” I began and flopped down on the bed, pulling him closer to me. “I want to hear back from the show I applied to, you know, the producer position. I think that would be an ideal gig for me and a great asset to my portfolio. I want it to pay me more than enough to find a nice safe home for me and my sons and then I want my sons to have a smooth transition back into my home. I want that job to be flexible, yet interesting and I want them to be appreciative of the skills I bring to the table. I want it t be my segway into the next phase of my career. I also want my sons to be proud of me..And I want all of this to happen within the next couple of months.”

“Is that all you want?”

“All? You don’t think that’s a lot?”

“Of course not. You’re very talented and even if God doesn’t have THAT position for you, something great is on the way. You speak it all the time. You believe you deserve it. You’re constantly helping others to believe in themselves, nothing but great things are coming for you.”

I sigh. “Steve, I love it when you talk like that.”

“Well, I learned it from you. You and my Mom. It’s like you guys read from the same book or something. I believe in you, Tee. You ARE that best selling author, that TV personality, that radio show host. You are that woman that will inspire so many through your life.”

“Aww..Thanks Steve. That means so much to me. Cuz I know that right now, I don’t have so much to show for all of my dreaming and fantasizing and even through all of that, you still believe the best for me. I need that and I really do appreciate it.”

“You deserve it, Tee. I only speak the truth. But guess what? I have good news.”

“What?” I ask, eyeing him to sense the vibe of his news. His facial expression doesn’t give it away and I punch him as he remains silent. “Boy, you better tell me!”

“Well, my Mom asked about you the other day,” he started.

“Uh oh….What did you tell her?” I was a bit nervous about his response because I had been ignoring him for the past month, not taking his calls, or returning his emails or texts.

“I told her that you were doing great and she asked me to let her know when she can come down to meet you and your boys,” he smiled at me.

“Shut up! Oh my gosh! I don’t know if I’m ready for that, Steve.”

“Well, get ready because I’m thinking that she can come for the 4th of July weekend. What do you think?”

“Um…Well, I planned to go see my boys over that weekend, you know they’re with their Grandma in Gainesville for the summer. I miss them soo much!”

“Well then, I guess we’re all going to Gainesville then.”

“What?”

“Yeah. We can do that. She’ll like that. I think it’s time.”

I couldn’t believe it. I wanted to cry, laugh and run away at the same time.

Was this for real?

It has to be.

But it feels like a dream come true.

My phone rings and it’s Tamara, my bestfriend from high school.

“Hey Prince!” I say.

“Hey, Tee! What you doing?”

“Girl, I’m sitting here waiting for Steve to pick me up,” I reply. “He says he has a birthday surprise for me.”

“Oooh! Go Tee! Go Tee!” she sings. “But wait, your birthday isn’t for another week.”

“I know, but he said this is the pre-birthday surprise. Prince, he’s so nice to me.”

“That’s what you always said you wanted, Tee.”

“I know but it’s scary to have what you always wanted. I keep thinking that he doesn’t mean it or that he’s trying to trick me. I keep preparing myself for the day when he changes his mind like JB did or meets someone else like my BBDD. So it’s like…I enjoy it, but I’m still on guard, waiting for him to decide he doesn’t like me anymore.”

The phone is silent.

“I’m sorry, Prince,” I say. “I just…I’m scared sometimes because I feel like I can trust him to be my friend but then again my head is telling me to prepare for him to leave.”

“Just chill, Tee. Enjoy it for what it is.”

“I know. Alright chick. Lemme go, here he is.”

“Have fun! Send me pictures!”

I walk out of my dorm room wearing my white princess sundress with silver sandals. Steve is standing beside his car looking like Carlton Banks. I swear, this man has more ‘looks’ than a fashion magazine.

“Happy early birthday,” he says and gives me a hug. I can tell he is holding something behind his back.

I step back and hold out my hand. “What you got for me?” I ask eagerly.

He produces a bouquet of…

“Baby breath?” I ask him.

“Look closer.”

I peer into the folds of the tissue paper and then I laugh. There’s one…two…three….four…

“Steve!”I screech. “You bought me a bouquet of GAS CARDS?!”

He grins.

I immediately start crying and he shakes his head at me and opens my door for me. I take out my phone and text Anna. Steve just bought me gas cards. Did you talk to him and tell him that’s what I love?

A minute later Anna texts back. LOL! Happy Birthday, dawg!

“Are you hungry?” Steve asks and adjusts his glasses.

“No, I had breakfast already. Where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise, put this on,” he says and hands me a black cloth headband.

“Uh..This doesn’t match my outfit.”

“Use it as a blindfold, genius. Come on..It’s a surprise. We have 15 minutes to get there.”

I pull the headband over my hair and down to my eyes, peering suspiciously at him before covering my eyes completely.

“Here, listen to this,” he says and places an Ipod in my hand. I plug int he ear pieces and I squeal when I hear Jodeci crooning through the head set.

Lately, I’ve had the strangest feeling…..

Before I know it, the car stops and Steve helps me out asking me to leave the blindfold on and the ear pieces in.

He better not be taking me near no water because I just got my hair done, I think to myself. And he know I can’t swim.

“Trust me,” he whispers into my ear as though he can read my mind.

We go inside a building and then up an elevator. I can’t hear anything because R. Kelly is in my ear singing 12 Play.

He guides me inside a doorway and I bump my hand and then he sits me down. A couple of minutes later he pulls my hand and guides me through another doorway. We walk for a few feet and then he takes my hand and I hear a door close behind us.

“You ready?” he asks me. I can tell he is so excited.

“Yeah boy! Hurry up!”

He removes the ear pieces first and I hear silence. He then removes the blinfold. I’m confused as I look around the room.

The door opens again and a woman in a white coat pops her head in.

“Hello Ms. Tee. It’s nice to meet you. Your doctor will be right in for your annual check-up. Go ahead and get undressed and have a seat.”

I gasp.

“Steve?”

He smiles down at me but doesnt say a word.

“Steve? You brought me to see a doctor?”

My throat tightens up and I know I’m about to cry again. I have not been to a doctor in years. I haven’t had insurance. I’ve been praying for a chance to get a check-up and this man…for my birthday…he..he…

I’m bawling now.

He shakes his head at me.

“Waterhead. You gonna cry like that all day?”

I laugh. “Shut up! You know I have to release my emotions. I’m a Cancer. I appreciate this so much Steve. You have no idea.”

“Yes, I do. Now go ahead and get undressed. I have more planned for you today.”

The ‘more’ Steve mentioned, turned out to be the biggest, most excellent gift that I had ever gotten.

At 1pm in the afternoon, Steve and I walked into an office, hand in hand and sat down with…

A dentist.

He showed me books and plans and explained procedures.

Then he deep pressure cleaned my teeth and did some heavy work, fillin in a couple of cavities and pulling one tooth out.

I was slightly embarrassed but Steve didn’t seem to mind. He sat there texting or emailing or whatever he does when he’s on his phone.

My mouth was numb as we walked out together.

“And he says I can get them all straightened out with veneers after I finished getting the cavities filled! He’s gonna fix my chipped teeth too! I can’t believe it, Steve! My smile is gonna be PERFECT. Well, almost perfect because I want to keep my overbite but I want everything else to look way nicer!” I told him while holding a paper towel to my lip to catch the saliva dripping down my chin.

“You’re already beautiful, Baby Girl,” Steve says. “This is just gonna enhance it a little.”

As soon as we step into the car I decide to thank Steve…

I move toward him and give him a sloppy kiss on the lips and then my hand moves to his belt buckle.

“No.” he says firmly.

“What do you mean?”

“Tee. We’re not doing this now. I know you want to thank me, but you don’t always have to thank me with a sexual favor. That’s not why I’m with you. I here because I want to be.”

“What?”

“You ain’t a hoe, Tee. I didn’t pay for your time.”

“What the fuck you mean by that?”

“I’m sayin…Why is everything all about sex with you?”

“Cuz it is!” I pop my neck.

“No, it’s not. You’re not a sex machine. That’s not all you can do. Do something else.”

“Fuck you, if you got a problem with it, then don’t come around. I don’t beg you for shit. I’m doing this to please you.”

“Yeah, babe, but look. I pay attention and I do things that please you the way you like to be pleased. Yeah, I like head. Who doesn’t. But have you paid attention to how I really like to be pleased? If you stop thinking I’m some young cat with his brains in his balls, and really pay attention to how I like to be pleased, you’d see that all I want is, I just want to see you smiling and talking to me. I just want to hear your voice. That’s all I want. You don’t have to go all out with the whip cream and the acrobatics and shit all the time, Tee. You don’t have to try so hard.”

“I wanna go home,” I tell him.

He sighs. “I hate when you do that. You can tell me what you like and how you like it but when I tell you something, you ready to run.”

“Take me home,” I demand.

“I’m not finished with your birthday.”

“Fuck my birthday. Take me home!”

“You being a brat, right now. I’m not interested in this right now. Don’t play with me.”

“Take me home NOW!”

Steve clenched his jaw and his grip on the steering wheel tightened. I rolled my eyes at him and turned away, staring out the window. He doesn’t take me home, instead he drives me to my favorite place from high school: Captain Crabs.

I gasp. “Who told you about this?”

“I’ve been stalking you since you were 9.”

He orders a jumbo bucket of crab legs and I almost DIE when I smell the oily garlic as they hand the bucket to us.

“I’ma fuck this shit up!” I announce proudly.

Steve laughs. “Damn..you’re so different. I like that shit.”

“I bet you do. Where are we going to eat this?”

“This pier down the street,” he looks over at me and shakes his head. “You’re a trip you know that? A real BRAT. Sometimes I wanna…” he wrinkles his brow and shakes his head at me. “But then….you look at me with those eyes and man..I just wanna empty out my wallet in your lap.”

“So you’re saying all I gotta do is…look at you?” I laugh.

“You’re a gold digger…” he says and pinches my thigh, smiling over at me.

“Diamonds, baby. Diamonds. I’m worth it,” I say.