Steady Tension

Do you hear that creaking noise?

That’s my neck, my back, my neck and my back.

I am so freaking tense I feel like I’m about to snap. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where I’m going or who I can trust. Why do I know I have so much to give to this world yet I am unable to find a medium to give?

Everyday I catalogue all of the things that I know need improving within myself. I’m not talking about big things like selfishness, greed or pride. I’m talking about the things that seem insignificant to most, things like countenance, tone and keeping my heart pure.

I place way too much pressure on myself. I just never meet my own expectations and that causes me to feel like a failure. Why can’t I be successful at anything? I want to be. I just feel like I never fit. I have began to become more withdrawn. I cringe at the thought of interacting socially because I’m afraid I will say or do something wrong.

I’m a smart chick. I know that. I just don’t know how to check myself. I need to see if my heart is coming across appropriately to others. I’m so…rigid and direct when I deal with people. People look at me like, “Damn Lil Mama…you’re too cute to be so abrasive.”

I don’t know if it’s because I’m only 5’1″ or what. Maybe I have the Napoleon complex. Maybe all of my dreams of success are to compensate for knowing that I was/will never experience true acceptance/love with the exception of my friends. I even fear that my sons will grow to be disgusted by me. One day they will be men too. I want so badly for them to be proud of me that I will die if I have to settle for a regular life.

Ya’ll don’t understand, wherever I go, people love me. It’s been like that all my life. I’m a natural leader because I have confidence and intelligence and I’m creative. I just feel like it’s all so false. I don’t understand why they love me like that. I don’t feel like I deserve it because I haven’t done anything great yet.

I don’t want to hurt anyone because I can’t control my emotions. I also don’t like to lay down and be a patsy for people to walk over either. Where’s the balance in that?

oh Lord, if I don’t get it together I’m gonna develop an ulcer because I worry so much about being a good person and being a good example to others and I never measure up to where I feel I should be.

Lately, my emotions are taking me all over the place. I spent the first couple of weeks after I was let go from my job, all excited and happy about my future. I was so sure that everything was going to be fine. In the back of my mind I feel like that now but…I just don’t see any evidence. I feel like I’m always the one people are worried about. I’m always the one floating. I’m always the one dangling.

As grown as I am-As much as I fuck-As much as I walk around looking jazzy with my makeup on, turning heads and breaking hearts— Right now all I really want is to be held and told it’s going to be alright.

Me sitting here on this floor, typing away hoping to release some of this angst- Me sitting here with all the vision in the world- Me sitting here sincerely wanting to be a blessing to everyone who comes into contact with me- Man I just never measure up to what I should be or what I could be.

I think it’s getting to me that both of my bestfriends are getting married next year and I’m nowhere near that. I don’t know Anna’s fiance that well but we have talked on the phone once or twice and I have told him that I want to love him too and I hope we get a chance to know each other. I just want to trust him to take care of her.

She’s so happy! You should have heard her on the phone with me yesterday squealing, “I got my ring girl!” She texted me a picture of it and I forwarded it to Tamara who said, “That looks just like my engagement ring.”

I ain’t no punk. I know how to delight in the happiness of my friends. I just…don’t know what’s wrong with me right now.

I’m just a fucking square motherfucking peg. I want what they have— with a man. Kim is like my boyfriend now but eventually she’s going to get a man too. She’s too beautiful not to.

Then what will I do? It’s just gonna be me and my stacks of money, book deals and promotional activities.

That will not satisfy me.

Maybe I’ll get a cat.

I would say that I need sex but I just had some with this fine ass tenderoni and it didn’t make me feel any better. It made me feel worse knowing that this tenderoni is going to become a fine ass, successful ass man one day and he will marry a woman similar to his mom who is beautiful, petite and just…womanly –and here I am…just a quick fuck.

What the fuck am I?

Am I just a cute face?

You should see Tamara and her fiance together. Sometimes I want to beat them up. They are just so cool together. He like, takes his time with her. He makes sure to show appreciation for her. He makes sure to tell her she looks good when we go out. He makes sure to remind her that he thinks she is so fine. He recognizes her insecurities and works through them with her.

You know what I hear when I share my insecurities with a man? “Um..I’m not gonna invite you over anymore because if you feel like this then what the hell are you doing here?”

Am I crazy? Yeah.. probably.

Man I’ll be alright. I’m going to see my boys this weekend. I need to see them so badly. At least for right now… I know they won’t care about Mommy’s inconsistencies.

I’m so tired.

I’m going to take a nap. Maybe the knots in my body will go away.