She’s A Weirdo

I want to go to sleep but I can’t.

Which is pretty wild since I did not take a nap today and I’ve been on my feet all day long getting my house together and my self together for my new job which starts on Monday.

I’ll admit I’m a little nervous. Not because I don’t think I’ll do well. But because I have noticed this pattern that takes place on every job I take. I’m trying to figure out how to be different without compromising who I am too much.

I know I may never be the chick who advances up the corporate ranks because honestly that’s not a desire of mine. I don’t plan to retire from anyone’s job. I don’t plan to become a senior executive or run the company one day. I really don’t desire to stay in any job too long that I become bored with it. I want to move and learn more and grow. If one company has the opportunity for me to do that then I’ll stay but being in a position that requires a repetitive chore will not be enough for me at any time in my life.

I hope this company will teach me a lot. I hope this company has brilliant professionals who won’t be threatened by my eagerness to learn and excel. See, that’s my problem. Whenever I start a new job the people there are often threatened by me.

I’m not making this up. It’s not in my mind. I’ve had two co-workers on two different jobs talk to me about how they weren’t “threatened” by my presence because they know that they are good workers. This pretty much let me know that it had crossed their minds even though I tried to assure them that all I want to do is be a good servant and learn as much as I can.

But if you walk into any situation with confidence and you are well spoken and talented, you’d better believe that there will be people there who will dislike you immediately. Let’s not even mention the fact that I’m attractive. Shake your heads if you want to. Laugh if you must, but this doesn’t always work in my favor. Sure studies have shown that attractive people get jobs more easily than unattractive people but when it comes to dealing with co-workers, the insecure ones always want to double hate on you. ESPECIALLY when you do something well.

I rememeber when I worked customer service for that company last year. While I was still in training I would get customers who asked to speak to my supervisor to tell them what a great job I did. Usually when a rep gets a praise report from a caller the supervisor stands up and announces it to the whole office and everyone claps. When I got mine all you heard was *crickets*.

At the newspaper after I pulled off organizing and hosting the job fair I was so proud. How about one of my co-workers stood up and announced to everyone, (towards the end of the fair with applicants still in the lobby), “She think she doing something but she ain’t been here but a hot minute and nobody don’t listen to her!”

I was stunned.

If all I do is be my cheerful, fun, hard working self why does that make you so angry?

I’m told at my new job there are incentives offered for good work. ~shakes head~ I know I’m gonna win. How sad that I kinda feel like I should try not to win.

I really hate that I can’t just be myself because people take that as being a show off and being a kiss up. I like to compete. I like to win even more. But if you win too much no one likes you. They start being rude to you. If you dress too nicely people start to talk shit about you. Because I try to look nice and I’m vibrant and positive, people look at me like something is wrong with me.

Ugh. Why is she so happy?!

When I try to tone my personality down and not be so… me, I feel like I’m cheating myself. I don’t know why God made me so loud and rowdy and boisterous. I don’t know why I’m so encouraging and inspirational and confident. I don’t know why I’m so bubbly and excited by small things. Little things inspire me. Little things make me happy. I appreciate every little thing someone does for me.

What’s so wrong with that?

Lord, let me stop worrying so much about how other people will react to my personality. If they can’t handle me I can’t do anything about that. I just hope that this made-for-TV personality will end up where it belongs.