My life is a miracle.
But in this miracle I need some help. In particular, help with my research. I love my classes, I adore my program but I can not grasp the research part of my lessons.
I have spoken with my professor about it and she gave me some direction on how to come up with a research topic. I was clueless about how to do that. I contacted my girl Ana (not the one in Orlando) and she gave me a whole tutorial on how to begin looking at databases. I wanted to kiss her for doing that.
I went to the library and they gave me a short tutorial on how to search the databases. I was able to find an article to use as a reference in my first presentation, but that was only ONE article. Most people have 5-6.
I don’t know what I’m doing and typical me…I’m criticizing myself for being slow to adapt to this new world of academia. I’m just not getting it.
Can I do this? Why the hell not? None of these people in my classes are geniuses. They may have more experience since most of them were psychology majors in undergrad so they already know how to do the research but…I’m equally as capable.
I’m feeling so much pressure from this. You know you can’t make any less than a 3.0 each semester or they kick you out of school. I never made a 3.0 in undergrad. But this isn’t undergrad, this is different.
I’m under a lot of pressure these days because I feel like I’m behind on the learning curve. Add that to the fact that each day I am not able to provide a stable home environment for my sons through a stable income for myself, I feel like I’m just…overwhelmed by all I have to do. I feel like I have to do it all right now.
I don’t want my boys to forget about me. I have to keep my promise. I feel like I have to be successful at SOMETHING, really, really soon or I’ll explode at any moment.
~exhale~
I just want my boys back with me. I’m tired of having to go through their dad to see them. His girlfriend is a trip, calling me screaming and acting immature. I can’t even go on a fieldtrip with my sons without her signing up to go too. Can I please have some alone time with my sons? I’m sure it makes you feel important to play the Mama but…hello..they have a Mama. I want to enjoy my sons too.
Damn…You get to see them more than I do. Can I have a holiday to myself without you telling me, “I have plans with them already.”
I don’t give a fuck. Have some kids of your own! Damn! That man ain’t never had to TRY to get me pregnant..What’s going on with ya’ll?!
I’m sorry.
Sometimes I wish I could be mean. If I really think about it, there are lots of things I could say to hurt her feelings and his, but, I think I’d rather die than try to make someone feel bad about who they are or their situation in life. That doesn’t feel right to me. And I’ve dealt with those type of insults all of my life and I never fight back because I know how it makes me feel when my BBDD calls me names and I wouldn’t want anyone else to feel like that. So I suck it up and just take it.
They only do it because they KNOW I’m not going to snap back at them. They KNOW I’m just going to be quiet and try to walk away. I can’t help being like that, I just can’t insult people or intentionally try to hurt them. I can’t be critical like that.
I can’t even be around people who are constantly talking about how other people look or discussing other people’s lives. When I meet a person who does that, I immediately know that we can never be friends, cuz I don’t wanna hear that. That shit don’t affect me in any kind of way. Why the hell would I care what Janice wore to the club the other day? Why do I care that Sabrina’s man is cheating on her?
~shrugs~ I don’t care.
I’ve learned in class that people who spend time criticizing other people’s lifestyles and life choices are really masking their own dissatisfaction with their own lives. They’re saying, “Let’s take the focus off of my insecurities and place it on someone else in order to make me feel better about myself.”
That shit is wack. Just like crack.
But I’ll probably never say any of this to either one of them in person. I just can’t. I wouldn’t be able to sleep knowing I made someone feel bad about an issue they are probably sensitive about.
My BBDD used to ask me, “Why don’t you tell me I need to lose weight?”
Umm…Because if you don’t think you do, then I don’t think you do. Why would I create a problem that doesn’t exist? If you think you have a problem and you want my opinion, then I’ll support whatever you need to do to make you feel better.It’s not my place to pick you apart and tell you what you need to change about yourself. It’s no one’s place to do that.
Changing anything about ourselves is ultimately up to US. Anyone who pressures you to make changes is doing you a disservice because if you do decide that you want to change, you’re only doing it to make them happy.
And if you’re constantly changing who you are to please the people who say they love you, you’ll be stuck in that cycle forever and they will never be satisfied. Do you hear me? They will NEVER be satisfied with you.
~sigh~
It’s funny that all of my friends have the ammo to really hurt me because they know my sensitive areas, but not one of them has ever said anything to intentionally hurt me. Never. Not even when they were upset with me.
Today I’m proud of myself because I have developed great friendships that are based on mutual respect and trust. There’s nothing better than that.