Release
I have to release this or I’ll explode. I don’t want to pick and choose what I share, trying to create an image for you guys. I’m not an image. I am me. And I am good at being me. Or bad at it. Depends on how you look at it.
I woke up this morning feeling crazy. My heart was literally in my draws. Feeling kinda bad. Wondering WTF is going on with me.
I remembered a conversation I had a couple of weeks ago. My Mama was telling me that my lil brother’s girlfriend had called her crying over something he did.
“Hmm,” I said aloud. Though more to myself than to anyone in the room. “I don’t think I’ve ever called any man’s Mother to complain about him.”
“Well why would you?” My stepfather interjected. “What man wants you to meet his mother?”
“Ha, ha ha…You’re not gonna hurt my feelings today.” I told him.
“Who’s trying to hurt your feelings? I’m just telling the truth. I see you waltsing your ass out of here with men. Whose mother have you met? Have any one of them ever loved you? No man is gonna love you Ms. Tee because you’re evil. You’re disgusting. You’ll never be nothing more than an after midnight booty call. The other woman. The hoe on the side. No one is EVER gonna want you. Am I lieing? Who loves you? Anybody? I didn’t think so. You run every man away. You’d even run a dead man away.”
I sat in silence. So used to these conversations. So used to him telling me that I am unloveable.
When the barrage begins, I usually try to think of a positive. I remind myself that I am fun. I have lots of friends. I am honest, generous, have good p***y, and uplifting to those around me. SOMEONE is gonna love me. Or are they?
I try to convince myself that I don’t want love anyway. That maybe God sent me my two sons to show me love and that’s all I’ll get. I fantasize about being successful in my career with my two sons. We’re living in a big house, I get to buy them nice cars and they just adore their Mama.
And then I sigh…And I think about almost all the men in my life. Even the ones I meet now. The ones I DON’T like, won’t leave me alone. The ones I DO like, ALWAYS leave me alone. And it’s not like they do it sweetly, they are very harsh with it.
I’m trying to swallow this lump in my throat as I write this because to some, I got it going on. I have OVERCOME. I have did my thang. I am a SURVIVOR. Haha…~sigh~
I am. I’m just still healing from all of these men in my life who constantly remind me by their words and their actions that I’m not loveable.
But DAMMIT, I know I am! I also know I’m a handful. A person can’t be THIS dysfunctional in relationships when all she does is care a lot. Sometimes I want to call up the men who reject me and ask them why. If I don’t fight with you. If I don’t play games with you. If I don’t reject you, then why, WHY do you push me away like that? What the hell is wrong with you? Or better yet, what the hell is wrong with me?
It’s pretty harsh, the things my stepfather and my children’s father say to me.
I remember my children’s father told me, “You’ll never do better than me. No one else is gonna want you.”
Mirror images they are.
Same spirit.
Sent to crush and destroy.
My joy.
So I’ll never enjoy…
Real love
If it ever finds its way
This way
But the truth of the matter is, so far
They are absolutely right.
Sad…