The Question

God,

I just had a nightmare that the white people busted in my door and told me that they are taking me away because I am crazy.

Sometimes I feel like I am.

I have this imaginary romance going full blast in my head and there’s no evidence of it in reality.

I have this dream that I am running towards that won’t allow me to stop running except there’s no one that I can trust to help guide me along the way. I feel like I’m always on the defense, having to explain why am I the way I am I’m but I am still being consistently criticized for wanting a better life for myself.

I have this ongoing dialogue in my head. I’m alone so much that I debate myself. The positive thoughts are fighting the negative ones and lately, the negative thoughts are winning.

I feel like I must be made of poison because no one wants to come near me to touch me and it hurts.

I speak to my sons and they are doing just fine. I’m glad they are not crying but…Sometimes I wonder if I ever did a good job of taking care of them and why none of my efforts lasted.

I love this opportunity that I have to help grow this website but I just don’t feel good when I’m in that office. Being criticized for working too hard confuses me and…it’s weird but… I feel like there’s this HUGE secret that everyone knows but aren’t sharing with me. Why do I feel like I’m the office joke or something? What are they hiding from me? I thought this was my place of blessing.

Am I paranoid?

I try to make my imaginary life just as important as my reality because if I don’t then I can’t get through each day. It’s because I can wake up and rise from the carpet while fantasizing about one day having a big king size bed, that I can smile and drive cheerfully to work.

It’s because I can make pancakes and imagine that they are full meals that I can smile happily and go to sleep.

I think I need to see my Mama and my kids to remind me of who I am and that once upon a time, people actually smiled when I walked into a room. Once upon a time, there were people who were glad when I showed up.

Am I crazy?

Huh???