They call me a crazy genius.
But I’m sure they mean it in the most positive light. I don’t mind because their labels only hold the merit that I attribute. At this point I just discovered Carl Jung’s Red Book, a book that some describe as the rantings of a psychotic mind.
A psychotic mind?
Well then label me the same. Aren’t all great thinkers psychotic in some way? Who have you ever known that followed the grain and ended up accomplishing something magnificent? I’m not good with names and dates so the specifics don’t matter much to me but I remember studying one psychologists life and he battled with polio in his youth. Through this paralysis, he was still. He was silent. He couldn’t move or communicate. All he could do was THINK. And THINK he did. From the depths of his soul, staring out the window at a tree, i think, he came up with some of the most fascinating theories about the mind.
We who, are afraid to fall, are afraid to be still or be pushed out do not recognize the gift of being thrust into quiet contemplation. We are afraid to NOT walk the path of the proven success stories when it is quite necessary to fall off that path if we really want to achieve great things.
Out of the depths of your solitude or your failure will arise a great stroke of genius if you do not allow shame to overtake you.
I am struggling with a particular situation right now. Each time my mind wants to address it, i push it out because I’ve come so far. See, my internship, my on site practicum and my experiences with the academic world have given me a certain distaste for the field in general. Nothing about it satisfying. Nowhere near as satisfying as sitting in class and being exposed to all of these new ideas. It seems that in practice, I am at a loss for practicing what I discovered. Maybe it is because my actual WORK is so streamlined. Ask these questions verbatim. Don’t use your favorite model, use the one I like.
Be quiet. Shut up.
Be like me.
Like you?
Bitch I would NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER wanna be like you. I would NEVER want to participate in a system like this. If you are the product of this profession then this is NOT where I belong.
But what of the experience? I have thoroughly enjoyed the learning process so far yet, I am beginning to feel like this is not where I am supposed to be.
Where to next?
What to look forward to?
To a career of reading assessments verbatim from a computer like a robot?
This is my first time in my entire graduate career that I do not look forward to my week.
I do not know what to make of all of this. I’ve come so far. I’m almost qualified to become a part of this system yet I have no desire to be like any of them or work alongside of them.
Although I know I have to still my mind to hear the voice of my next direction i am nervous because I have no clue where it will lead. For so many years I have endured change after change and those changes equaled loss and instability and hunger.
I’m tired of that.
but I guess the wheel must turn and in turn I must watch it.
No matter what may come, I can not stop it.
So I wait to see where this “crazy genius” will end up next cuz I feel that these spokes are drifting away and I will not hurt myself trying to hold them in place.